In his office Jin sat leaning on the chair in front of his desk. He had done all his work today. All the important files had been cleaned up.
Jin was really good. Everything in his life was neat and tidy. He didn't like things to fall apart, he thought it would be troublesome in the end if it happened.
It was past 7 pm, he looked at his watch. He should have been able to go home but for some reason, his head felt tired and he was too lazy to go home. He didn't sleep much though.
He leaned back in his comfortable work chair. And lengthen his legs, which were long indeed. He picked it up and put it on his desk. The chair was automatically pushed back to adjust the length of his body. He adjusted the back of his chair to fall back 45 degrees. His hands were placed behind his head. He looked up at his office ceiling. Staring blankly.
"It's always like this.." he thought.
He felt emptiness when he was alone. He felt lonely when he was alone. It was always like this. The same thing would repeat itself from time to time.
Last night his boyfriend Brian Davis, a young executive of an automotive big company, asked to break up with him. Jin actually liked Brian, he was a nice guy. But Jin could never love him. He just liked him, not more. Could not be more of it.
Actually, a year ago, when Brian confessed his love for him, Jin accepted it only out of compassion and Brian was a good partner in bed. Besides, he didn't want to be alone. He was afraid of being lonely. Sometimes he felt that loneliness would kill him. Therefore he accepted Brian's love almost with open arms. Brian had done a lot of good in helping him during this time. Especially in helping Jin to manage his broken heart. They had been friends for a long time since they met in London. Brian gave Jin a lot of encouragement so that he was excited about getting his life back together. That reason made Jin unable to refuse Brian. And he needed Brian to fulfill his biological needs.
Jin was a jerk. Typical badass. He lived his life as it was, according to him. Took it or lived it, that's the motto.
"Jin, we need to talk," he said over the phone.
Jin never really liked the word "live together". He was not. No longer. No matter how good and how much his boyfriend loved him, Jin would say no when they asked him to live together.
Therefore he was not living at the same home with his lover Brian.
"Come." Jin agreed.
"I will come as soon as my work in the office is finished. Wait for me at your house," said Brian.
Brian arrived almost midnight. He came with an unsightly face that if one could see, that face would say " Hello.. I'm not in a good mood "
Jin greeted him by handing him a can of beer. But Brian refused, "I need to talk to you."
Jin chuckled, "Oh c'mon!! Brian! It is just a can of beer, nothing more and you can still talk to me with a clear head after that. What's the matter with you? Don't be against me!"
"I am not against you!! I'm just annoyed to see you are never serious." Brian shouted.
"Hey!! Calm down.. What's wrong with you? Tell me if I'm wrong it's fairer than you coming madly mad at me like this. Tell me. Hmm?" He cupped Brian's face with both hands.
Their eyes met. Jin was waiting.
Brian let go of his hand, "Let's break this relationship."
Jin raised his eyebrows, his big beautiful eyes looked directly into Brian's.
"Did I hear right? Aren't we good all along?"
Brian avoided those eyes.
"Oh C'mon, Jin!! Don't look at me that way!! We're not fine!!! At least I'm not!!"
Jin sighed, he said, "Okay, if that's what you want. I'll do it."
He sat down and lit his cigarette. He inhaled deeply and exhaled the smoke into the ceiling of his apartment.
"Jin, this is very easy for you isn't it?"
" What? "
"Starting and breaking up a relationship is something easy and normal for you, isn't it?"
"C'mon, Brian. You chased me a year ago, right? And tonight you decide too? Don't be too complicated, Brian. Don't blame me!"
" Damn you, Jin!! I love you so much but you repay me half-heartedly! Do I deserve it, Jin? Do I not deserve your love? "
Brian lowered his face and covered it with both hands.
"Damn you, Jin!"
"I'm sorry I couldn't live up to your expectations, Brian." He downed his beer and took another puff of his cigarette.
" Forgive me.. "
"Can't you forget him, Jin? He betrayed you. He treated you cruelly. Why do you still love him, Jin? Don't deny it!! I know you well! Why?"
"Shut up Brian!! Don't bring it up. I hate him to the bone." Instantly Jin became icy cold.
"Okay. When you're done, I'll go to bed. Go home..."
"Jin..."
"Go home, Brian. I'm tired. We can still be friends after this. I understand. Totally understand. Just go home now .."
Brian unsteadily stepped towards the door to get out. His heart ached but he had to choose to break their relationship. It was not good to continue. Not very good.
Before he left he said, "Jin, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend him. But you have to start facing the truth. I'm sorry."
He opened the door, without looking at Jin, "It's time for you to make peace with yourself, Jin. Forget him.. If you really can not forget him, then forgive him. Then you will be able to tear down the fortress that you built all this time. Bye, Jin. Promise me to make peace with your past."
Brian disappeared behind the door, Jin locked the door with a frozen heart. He turned off the lights, only with his music player and a candle.
He sat contemplating, his back against the sofa.
In the dark night with the dim light a song from R. E. M sang...
" When your day is long and the night, the night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go 'cause everybody cries everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, hold on
If you feel like letting go, hold on
If you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone
No you are not alone
Well, everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries, so hold on..."
He continued to smoke all night, his eyes wet, he silently muttered a name, a name that had been long stored in his heart, and always accompanied his loneliness. The name of someone who for the past ten years had been haunting him. Filled his mind. Filled his days with misery. A name and a person he would never forget. Until whenever.
Jin just fell asleep when morning came. When he woke up he found himself still leaning on the sofa. And today he went to his office with puffy eyes.
According to Brian, Jin never really loved him. Always chose to keep himself busy with his work. They always discussed this issue.
According to Brian, Jin always ran away and kept his heart tightly closed. As they talked, last night Jin knew that Brian was suppressing his anger and trying to be patient. Therefore he could still advise Jin.
Brian thought Jin did not deserve him. Jin never really loved Brian, he always gave half his heart (if you're lucky) to his boyfriend. That was according to Brian, but the truth was that Jin never gave his heart to anyone. And according to Brian too, Jin did not know how to love properly. It was true that Jin never returned the love of his lovers with all his heart. Jin only needed sex from them. Vice versa, Jin thought. They just wanted his body, according to Jin.
Jin never really wanted them. Because they weren't what Jin wanted. Jin never really gave his heart to his lover. He lived the relationship heartlessly, without feelings. For him, his heart was dead, long time ago. Died with the memories of his first love. He was building a huge layered wall that no one but himself could tear down. Over the years he built the wall so that it was as solid as a fortress. He tried to keep himself as far away from the thing called love as possible.
According to Jin, if he didn't love, he would be protected and no one would hurt him. So he always took refuge in the fort.
Jin closed his eyes, still leaning back in his work chair with his legs outstretched on the table. He recalled all the pain in his heart. He nurtured the pain very well, until it grew into hatred. He hated himself for not being able to erased the face of his first love in his mind. He could not forget that man, he hated him to the bone.
"How long has it been like this?" Jin asked himself.
In fact he knew that if he still couldn't forgive him and come to terms with his past, he would not be able to love anyone else. But Jin did not try to come to terms with any of that. He continued to torment himself with his hatred of Ryu. But deep down in his heart he always hoped to meet Ryu one day. His heart is doubled. He had always hoped for it. It was just that he always denied it. Otherwise, why would he go all the way from London back to Yokohama and open a cafe here. While all his family was in London. He couldn't shake off his feelings. All that he did was just because of the hope to see Ryu again. He suppressed all his yearnings. The only hope he had was : wanted to see his face again. Only that. Jin didn't expect Ryu to make up with him anymore. No. Never. Because he knew that Ryu had been married to Narumi and maybe had children. And Jin would never ruin it. He only wished to see him again even if only from a distance. To satisfy his heart's longing for his first love. But would it happen?
"I wish....someday" he thought.
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