"I have a pen. I have an apple. Apple pen. I have a pen. I have pineapple. Pineapple pen. Apple pen. Pineapple pen. Pen pineapple apple pen." - Daimaou Kosaka.
"There was one weapon to rule them all. One weapon that made the demons tremble in fear for once. It was the pen pineapple apple pen." - Einstein.
The demons are almost entirely gone from our world now. Now they hide within people and lurk where no one can see them. Weapon technology has made them as afraid of us as we are afraid of them. For hundreds of years, we have been at a stalemate. But recently they have tricked humans into performing a terrible human sacrifice ritual that may revive the demon king Kramos and have opened up hundreds of invisible portals that only demons can go through in the world. The Travis Scott astroworld concert was this human sacrifice ritual.
Kramos was trapped inside and possessed Travis Scott since he was an infant however Travis Scott, although he was possessed by Kramos, was never powerful. It was this ritual that could finally turn Kramos back into his true, dangerous, and demonic form. In fact, Kramos's dark spirit could be spotted gliding across the intentionally packed crowd to return to its body. However, Kramos's dark spirit has not returned to his body yet. Kramos's body must be destroyed before his spirit reaches his body, for if it does so Kramos will be resurrected into his true, dangerous, and demonic form. If it does so then Kramos, using his great power, will try to conquer earth and make it another territory of hell in his quest for power. If it does so he will warm the globe further spreading and increasing the intensity of the fires that demons are already spreading across the world, further melting the polar ice caps that demons have already raised the temperature of the world to melt, further causing the flooding of coastal regions that demons have already devised.
Demons have been planning the end of the world as we know it for hundreds of years and reviving Kramos in his true and powerful form is what they need for their plan to end the world and it is just the start of it. Unfortunately, no one knew what their plan was… Kramos's body was invulnerable to mortal weaponry. However, there was one weapon forged by the fairy king that was powerful enough to stop Kramos from taking over the world. That weapon was the pen pineapple apple pen (or PPAP for short).
The vast majority of people did not believe that demons existed but George did. A demon killed his father right in front of him. He sought vengeance but he never knew how to get it until one day while he was taking a midnight stroll in the park, unbeknownst to him, he found the most dangerous weapon in all of history. As he was walking a landslide happened right in front of him. It didn't surprise him. Nothing surprised him anymore. Poking out of the dirt he barely saw the tip of a pen through the moonlight.
"Why would someone bury a pen there?" he said to himself.
As he pulled it out of the dirt he saw an apple that the pen was shoved through the center of and then, as he pulled it out further, a pineapple that the pen was shoved through the center of. He was surprised by something for the first time in forever.
Out of curiosity he picked it up and examined it. Immediately the dirt disappeared off of the PPAP. Again, this surprised him and made him even more curious. The pen extended 5 inches out from the end of the apple.
The pineapple glistens in the moonlight. It looks moist and sweet. If you were to lick the pineapple it would be surprisingly sour and bitter but it would also be sweet at the same time. However, as one can easily know from a moment's thought, it's a very ineffective writing tool.
The pineapple smells of gin and whiskey. I run my fingers across the slick and gooey pineapple's surface feeling dull thorn-like things poke me softly and feeling the depressions in between each panel-like unit. I lift my goo-covered fingers up off the pineapple and the juice drips down each of my fingers at the same sticky pace as mucus. I lick it off of my fingers. It tastes like sap, whiskey, demon eggs (I didn't know it at the time), and gin had all been mixed together and it made me feel kind of powerful. I had never tasted anything like it.
The apple glows with golden sparkly light in the dark night. As I run my hand over it my hand tingles and I feel as if my hands are hovering at a comfortable distance above a campfire while I am enjoying the heat. Some of the sparkles stay on my hand and I brush them against my face and then feel the tingling warmth. I wondered what it would feel like to eat the apple and feel the golden sparkles tingly warmth inside of me. Instead, I decided to eat a few of the golden sparkles. The feeling on my tongue was just like the feeling on my skin except that I tasted the tingles. Unfortunately, there is nothing that I could even remotely compare that taste to, so you, reader cannot get even a tiny fragment of an idea of what it tasted like. When the sparkles got into my stomach everything changed. The warmth and tingly sensation were no longer in one spot on my body. They both radiated all throughout my body in waves. He wrote in his journal with a strange pen. Directly in front of the moon clouds came together to form a moon-sized face. The moonlight illuminated it. The face began to speak and a voice boomed down from the sky.
"You have been chosen to defeat the demon king and forever banish him from the earth"
Startled, George stared off into the distance for two seconds. He then poked himself hard as if trying to wake himself up and then quickly contemplated whether someone had drugged his coffee that morning.
"Why me?" George finally said.
"You have experienced pain, suffering, and loss that few have knowingly experienced as a result of a demon. I know you. You want revenge, you want to kill that demon, and few want revenge more than you. You've suppressed your memories of your father being killed by that demon. You've told yourself that you were crazy and that it never happened. You've told yourself that the demon-killing him was just a coping mechanism that you invented to pin the blame on something. Deep down you know that all is bullshit. You saw the blood, the pain in his face, the sadistic glee of the demon as it struck your father dead. You. The Travis Scott concert has forced that part of you deep down that knows the truth to resurface? Hasn't it?"
"How do you know all of this?" asked George.
"I know everything about everyone," the voice from above replied.
"Then why didn't you warn my father about the demon?" George said angrily.
"You wouldn't be able to comprehend it," said God, "you are holding the tool that will get you your revenge."
A compass dropped from the sky right at George's feet. He picked it up.
George watched the clouds depart and become normally shaped clouds again. He then stared down at the PPAP and wondered how two strange fruits and an oversized pen would help him slay the demon king.
He examined the compass. It was engraved with gold and diamond. On the back it said "this compass points towards the most powerful being on earth whether that power is awakened or unawakened. As of writing the most powerful being on earth is the demon king."
"So he's more powerful than god" George thought. "Great. I think that my father would not like me to go on a suicide mission if he were alive. Besides I can't even get this damned pen to do anything."
He drove home. As he was driving there he listened to the radio "demon portals are popping up all over the world. Is it the end of days? How can you know if a demon portal is close to your home? Find out after the ads. Have you ever wondered why car insurance is so expen -"
One moment he was driving on a perfectly normal street. The next moment his car was hurtling towards a massive pile of crashed cars and bloodied dead bodies. He veered to the right barely missing the pile and launching himself over a steep incline and a small lava pool. He looked around and gained his bearings.
"Where the hell am I?" he said. "Precisely" a voice said from behind him. He got out of his car and looked behind him. He saw her limping and bloodied, walking towards him.
"Look around you" she said. There were lava pools, trees with red bark and no leaves that looked to be in a constant state of decay, and large boulders. The cars had crashed into one particularly large boulder. There was thick seaweed like grass surrounding them. They appeared to be in the middle of the valley a mountain range but there was no life, plant or animal, to be seen. There was a lava waterfall falling down one of the mountains. A strange pterodactyl-like creature with red skin flew above them.
"We're in hell" he said, "this strange version of it."
"That's right" she replied, "listen, there is no time for us to chat or feel bad for the people who crashed. We've gotta get out of here ASAP. Demons patrol this area and we're lucky that we haven't been spotted yet."
Of course, of course he thought. By trying to avoid attempting to slay the demon king he ended up in literal hell. And figurative hell. The PPAP started to shake and somehow he knew that that meant that they had to get out of there immediately.
"Jump in," he said. She hopped in and he noticed something about her immediately. She was tightly grasping a baby's clothing. She must have lost them in the wreckage.
They drove around the lava pool to where they saw the wreckage but an enormous demon saw them and threw massive boulders on either side of the portal.
"Where are we going to go now?" he said.
"There is a portal to our south. It's usually guarded by demons but with your car we have a chance of making it through."
Just then he noticed something peculiar. Standing in front of the giant demon, as if to taunt him, was a demon with the same strange scar on the top of their head. The same exact one that the demon who had killed his father had had. The PPAP was glowing with a strong white hue at this point. He remembered his fathers death and it infuriated him. He remembered the bloody hammer, the sadistic grin. It was wearing that same grin as it eyed him right then. His nails dug into the apple. Why had it killed his father? Out of all of the people it could have killed? He thought that it killed him because it did not care who it killed. He supposed that it enjoyed killing everyone equally. But was there some greater purpose to his fathers death? He very much wanted to find out. It intrigued him and he felt like understanding his fathers death would make him mourn less about it. It had been 20 years and it was time to move on and get his life in order. So he would do everything that he could to know why his father was killed.
The PPAP burst with a beam of searing light. It flew towards the demons but missed and hit one of the boulders shattering it to pieces. The giant demon shrieked in some low raspy hellish sounding language. Red terridicatal like creatures flew towards the portal and other demons walked out of a lava pool behind the portal and blocked the portal as well. He tried to shoot the beams of the PPAP at them but he only managed to shoot a single hellidactal. He had no control over it.
"You know that you can't control that. We need to go to the other portal!" she said. He shot two more shots. He was standing outside of the car now.
She hopped in the driver's seat and spun the wheels in place loudly. "Are you mad?! I'm going to leave you behind unless you don't get in the car right now!" she said frankly.
The tires screeched, the speedometer jumped quickly, and they sped off at full throttle. He tried to shoot the demons behind him more to no avail. They ran over a demon and it flew through the windshield shattering it. He placed the PPAP under the demon's chin and disintegrated its head into black dust. There were quite a few blackened holes in the car now. Hellidactals swooped through the windows, shattering them. One of them started pulling at the seams of her shirt, pulling her out the window. She lost hold of the steering wheel and was trying to punch the hellidactal off of her. The car was headed towards a massive boulder. Briefly seeing the bloodied bodies from the wreckage against the other boulder in his mind he grabbed onto the steering wheel and swerved the car to the right just barely missing the boulder. He climbed over her lap and put the PPAP straight against the hellidactals head blowing it into black ash. Then he pulled her through the window back into her seat and climbed back over her lap and returned to his seat.
"If I'm ever getting out of here alive the first thing that I'm doing is getting a drink" he said, "care to join me?"
She just glanced at him with a 'now is not the time' kind of look. He looked forward. Demons seemed to be surrounding something but there was nothing there he thought. Oh, they must be guarding the portal. She plowed through them while he made a few more unsuccessful shots. They flew through the portal and crashed through a building. He looked around. A startled bartender jumped back in surprise and dropped their customers' death and taxes. A man, unfazed, seemed to be getting in a bar fight while playing bass guitar.
"Was anyone hurt?" The bartender asked. A few customers were already looking under the car. "No, everyone is fine," a customer said.
"Well, you got what you asked for" she said to him, "If the demons don't come through too soon I say that we get a drink."
They sat at the bar and bought a few drinks. The bartender looked at them as if they were insane and then said "that was the most entertaining thing that I've seen all week. Here are your drinks. For the record, if my boss asks, I have no idea that you are the ones who crashed."
"I like big butts and i cannot lie".
A man appeared from a portal.
"Hi, i am Devin. I am the CEO of hell. It seems that you have caused quite a disruption. It's my job to make sure that no one escapes from hell. Well it's my job to order people around who order people around who order people around to make sure that no one escapes from hell. But this matter is of the utmost importance. No one has escaped from hell in 13 billion and 26 years."
He wore a cape with fire coming off of it. It flamed nicely.
"Do you like big butts?" the CEO of hell said.
"Yes", he said.
"Well, I can see that you've developed a love interest there."
"No, i have not" he blushed and stammered britishly.
"Pawpow!!" said the CEO of hell. He flicked his finger to her ass and flattened it.
"You asshole!" he said.
"Ahaha. I'm the devil, what do you expect baby." laughed the CEO of hell.
She felt her flattened ass is disbelief.
"You won't be laughing for long. I will get revenge on my father" he said under his breath clenching his fists.
"What's that? Just kidding, I don't care. Tahtah. My demons will follow. They're getting paid minimum wage but they won't go on strike hehe because they love torturing humans hehe."
"Welp Sharon i say let's get out of here. Oh come on i still like your ass" he said as Sharon was gripping her ass.
"Heeyy!! You guys are fighting demons, huh? Count me in." said a 50 something year old man that looked like if guitar hero was a human.
He shrugged and remarked "wtf is happening?"
Demons started appearing through the portal. The 50 something man started playing punk rock from his guitar. The punk rock rattled out of the guitar in blue waves slaying the demons with pure badassery and music genius.
TO BE CONTINUED? Let me know if you want to read more! (-:
A DELETED SCENE
A sigh boomed from the sky then God said "back to it."
Sound boomed down from the sky "No, Rose, they are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs … Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there?"
"Are you watching the office?!" said George.
"Oh! I.. I.. must understand why the layman decides to watch this 3.3 times on average. I believe that it may hold secrets to the world. Yes, secrets that are even secrets to me."
Another voice boomed from the sky: "Reminder: Vex has come out." said Alexa.
"Is that the new league of legends character?!" said George.
"I have important matters to attend to," said god. God was not heard from again.
IDEAS FOR LATER
Another way to slay demons is extreme badassery combined with extremely skilled electric guitar and electric bass playing.