Two Months Later
I lie in our bed just staring up at the ceiling. That's all I ever seem to do lately. I can't make myself get up and do anything with the pack. Mary has tried to get me to go out with her to buy some more clothes for little James, but I can't make myself get out of this bed for longer than it takes me to shower and brush my teeth. Food is brought to my room, but I only eat enough to get by for the baby. I'm not hungry… I'm not anything anymore.
Randy and Jason have been taking care of everything dealing with the pack. I haven't seen much of them since everything happened. Randy assured me he would handle things while I pull myself out of this. But as more time goes on, the deeper I seem to go. There is no getting out of this. This numbness, this darkness I feel, is forever. I'm slowly coming to accept that.
It's been two months. Two long, excruciatingly painful months without Mason here, and every day the pain just gets worse. I don't want to live like this, but all the will I had is gone with my mate. If I wasn't pregnant, I'm almost positive I would have died by now. The only thing my wolf is holding onto is the fact that we have a part of Mason growing within us. Ace stayed for a couple of weeks - much to Jason's irritation - and helped Randy get things settled, but he had to get back to his own pack. He'd already put off going far longer than he should have. He told me he's only a phone call away if I ever needed his help with anything. I know this is all coming out of the guilt he's feeling about Mason. He feels responsible for not being able to bring Mason home, but his guilt does nothing for me.
Both Emma and Randy have been over to the house, trying everything they can to get me to come to interact with the pack… but I just can't bring myself to do it. Everyone keeps repeating how the pack needs their Luna right now because we are all mourning the sudden loss of our Alpha, but how can I go out there and act strong for all those people when I can't even do it for myself? I'm broken inside. There is not a piece of me that isn't shattered. How am I expected to listen to all of them talking about how much they miss him when it's my mate that's gone? They all had so much time with him, while my forever was cut short. Because of me. I just can't do it.
I'm going to be giving birth soon, the doctor told me any day now actually. That's the only thing keeping me going these days. This grief is so overwhelming that my only hope for pulling myself out will be seeing my baby girl for the first time. If there is anything in this world that could save me at this point, it's going to be her. She's the last thing I will ever have of Mason. Knowing that something that Mason helped make is going to be with me again, helps me deal with the fact that he isn't coming home.
I don't know where he is, but I know he's not dead. I know it in my heart. Our connection is still too strong for this to simply be my wolf holding onto it through the baby. Everyone keeps telling me that it's all in my head, that I'm just not ready to accept that he's gone, but they're wrong. He's alive. I know he is.
But if I'm right, if he's not dead… then where is he? Why hasn't he come home to me? Why hasn't he come home to see his daughter being born? Why hasn't he come home to take care of his pack? If I'm right, what could possibly be more important than him not coming home. Part of me wishes I could accept he was gone, because maybe then I would be able to eventually pull myself through. But knowing he's out there, feeling him… it just makes everything that much more confusing and harder. I feel like crying, but there aren't any tears left to cry. There's no emotion left in me.
"Alaina?" Mary's voice echoes through the room as she lets herself in. I hear James fussing in her arms, but I don't move from my spot on Mason's side of the bed. His scent is already starting to fade. I don't want to leave this spot and come back to his scent being gone for good. I don't want to lose this part of him too. "Alaina, could you watch James for me, please? I have to go help Brandon with something and there isn't anyone else to watch him for me." She comes further into my room without my invitation. I do my best to hide my irritation.
"Where's Aiden at? Why can't he watch him?" I ask as I manage to push myself up on my elbows to look at her. It's getting so hard to move around with my belly, but it just gives me another excuse to stay in bed all the time.
"Please, Alina, just watch my son for a little while. I won't be long, I promise," she pleads as she comes closer to me. Her scent starts invading my senses the closer she gets, blocking out Mason's. I bite my lip to keep from growling. James' fussing gets louder and I can almost feel a tug at my heart. James is just shy of turning two months old, and he's a good baby from the little bit I've seen, but that doesn't mean I want to watch him. I'm barely taking care of myself, why would anyone trust me to watch their child? I close my eyes and sigh quietly. I hear Mary's scoff and when I open my eyes to look at her I'm met with a hard glare. I almost flinch away from the hard stare, but I don't.
"You know what? Never mind, Alaina. It's obviously too much to ask that you'd watch my infant son for a little bit while I help my mate, but whatever." She shakes her head and shifts James in her arms. He cries quietly as I see his little hand reach out and rest against her chest. "I get you're suffering through Mason being gone, we all are suffering with you, but sooner or later you are going to have to face the fact that he is gone. There are a lot of people who are depending on you!" She sighs and turns to leave the room. I lie back and stare up at the ceiling again as I wait for her to leave my room.
Her footsteps stop at the door and I can feel her gaze so I look over at her again. "Mason would be ashamed of what's happened to you." I wince at that comment. "You're our Luna, and we need someone to look after this pack. Alpha Randy and Jason can only do so much. We need you, but you aren't there mourning this loss with us. You've locked yourself away from everyone who loves you and this pack is going to suffer for it."
Her words cut through me like a knife.
My eyes well up with tears as her words settle over me. Does she think I'm not ashamed of myself for this? Does everyone think I want to feel this way? I don't want any of this! I want to get up and be able to smile at everyone. I want to be able to feel something other than this sorrow that's consumed every cell in my body. I want this weight to lift from my chest so I can finally take a breath. I want to feel happy that so many of our people came back home safely, but without my mate by my side, I can't feel anything!
Mary frowns and moves back towards the bed. "Alaina, listen," she whispers, "I know this is hard on you. I was without my mate for a time, but I at least knew where he was. Losing Mason has been hard on all of us, but now we feel like we are losing our Luna as well. We need you. You're about to have a beautiful baby girl and how are you going to take care of her if you're stuck in this house - mainly in this bed?" She sits down on the edge and reaches out to hold my hand with her free one. "I will help you, and you know Brandon and Aiden will too. You have friends in this pack, you have your mother and Mason's parents. We all just want to help you. We know what you're dealing with. You just have to let us in." She rests her hand against my belly. "This baby is going to help heal everyone. We all need to see that there is still something of the Alpha left to take care of us all. But you are the only one who can do this, Alina. You have to make the first move."
I close my eyes and fight the tears. I thought I'd cried all the tears I had left in me, but apparently not. I know she's right. I just don't know how to go about even attempting to fix myself. "Mary, how am I supposed to be okay when I know he's out there somewhere?" I ask as I struggle into a sitting position and scoot to the edge of the bed. "I know you all keep saying he's gone, but I can still feel him, Mary. This isn't the baby I'm feeling. He's out there. And if he's out there, then there has to be something preventing him from coming home. I know you all think I'm crazy, that I just don't want to let him go, but it's not that."
"There is no way to know, so for now we all just have to keep moving forward. Alpha Randy will still help you settle into things, and so will Jason and Brandon and anyone else you think you need. You just have to start by letting us help you," she says as she tries to fix my messy hair.
"You and Brandon are still settling into life as parents, I can't expect him to just drop everything to help me with anything," I mumble as I fiddle with my fingers.
"You know we don't mind helping you. Besides, James is a good baby for the most part." Mary's fingers sift through my hair, doing her best to get the knots out. "I will give you this, at least you're still taking care of yourself. Most people who lock themselves away won't shower or anything. I'm glad to see you still remember your personal hygiene," she jokes as she stands up from my bed and smiles at me. She does her best to help me stand, but with a baby in her arms, there is only so much she can do. I manage to smile back at her as I look down at James. He looks up at me with those light brown eyes that he got from his mother and coos as he chews on his fingers. He really is a beautiful baby. He may have gotten his mother's eyes, and his skin tone is closer to her darker tone, but not quite as brown as hers. Everything else is all Brandon.
"I'm a werewolf, Mary. My sense of smell is too good to not clean myself," I chuckle out as I grab James' little hand. The shock that I actually chuckled is washed out as he smiles up at me and coos loudly as he grabs my finger. I missed his birth because I was locked away in this room. Mary went into labor a couple of days after we learned the news about Mason. That was the first of many things I missed these last two months. "Let me have him," I whisper as I reach my arms out for him. "Go help Brandon with whatever you need to help him w-" I stop mid-sentence when I feel something rush down the inside of my legs. I freeze and my eyes widen as I look down. I can't see anything past my belly, but I can definitely feel the wetness on my pants and I immediately know what's happening. "Mary, my water just broke," I whisper.
"What?" she asks, looking down quickly. I watch her eyes widen too, confirming what I'm feeling. "Okay, just breathe and I'll go get Brandon. Can you walk? Are you okay?" she asks frantically. I blink at her questions as I try to force my breath back into my lungs.
"Yes, go get him and I'll meet you downstairs," I reply as I grab a different pair of pants and start changing. She nods her head and quickly leaves the room with James starting to fuss in her arms. I look down at my belly and I can't help but smile. For the first time in two months, the smile on my face doesn't feel forced. "In just a short time, you will be here and I'll be able to hold you. I only wish that your dad was here to see this."
I change my pants as fast as possible and throw my hair up into a messy bun before heading across the hall to the nursery. I grab the bag and look around the room. Brandon and Mary finished it for me, working on it at the same time they were working on James'. Brandon even had it painted the way I wanted with little clouds around the room. Yet another thing I missed out on.
I leave the room and head towards the stairs when a sharp pain shoots through my stomach. I gasp and grab my stomach as if holding it will keep the pain away. I know I'm having a contraction, and God does it hurt! I can't move so I lean against the wall and try to breathe through this pain until it passes.
"Alaina?" I hear Brandon ask from the bottom of the stairs. I shake my head and reach a hand out for him with my eyes still closed. I hear his quick footsteps sound against the stairs as he says, "I'm coming." He lifts me up into his arms and hurries back down the stairs as I groan at the pain. "Little Everleigh is going to be here soon. Just focus on your breathing, Alaina. The pain will pass."
"Yeah," I groan out as the pain finally starts to subside, "I'm just going to have to go through who knows how long of painful contractions and pushing her out of me… but she'll be here soon." I close my eyes and hold onto my stomach. "I wish he was here for this, Brandon. I'm scared to do this alone."
"You won't be alone," he says as we make it out of the house. I listen to the sound of a car running but keep my eyes closed and focus on my breathing. "You have me and Mary literally in the house with you, and we can stay in the room with you if you want. Your mom is going to be there, and Mason's parents. You're not alone in this, Alaina. I promise," he explains as he settles me into the backseat of the car. I try to get more comfortable when the other door opens and someone slides in beside me. Aiden's scent invades my senses and I relax as he shifts me so my back is pressed against his side. I hear little James cry from outside the car. I manage to pry my eyes open long enough to see Mary bending down to look into the car.
"We're in the car right behind you," she assures me. "I will meet you at the hospital. Brandon's parents are on their way to watch James so I can help you through this," she explains as she reaches in and squeezes my hands. I nod my head as another contraction hits me.
"God, it hurts," I whimper as I reach for something to grab as the pain intensifies.
"I know it hurts now, but when you're holding that baby in your arms all this pain isn't going to matter anymore," she reassures me before pulling away and shutting the door.
"Brandon, hurry up," I grit out. I don't know much about human labor, but I do know they have it better than we do. Werewolves go into labor and it's fast. Our contractions are almost back to back. The pain starts and pretty much doesn't stop until the pup is born. It's also extremely dangerous, especially when one's mate is not there to help with pain management.
"Do you want to squeeze my hand or something? I'm pretty sure you're going to break the headrest if you keep squeezing it," Aiden comments as he pries my fingers from the leather. My wolf takes over for a second and pulls my hand away from his touch. She doesn't want anyone touching us right now. He isn't Mason, and that's who we need right now. I look over my shoulder at him apologetically before placing both hands on my belly. "You got this Alaina," he encourages. I try to nod my head, but the pain comes back again.
'I want mate! This hurts and mate will make it go away,' my wolf whimpers in my head. I agree with her so much, but there's nothing that can be done about that.
'I know, but he's not here. We can get through this on our own. We have to. We'll get through this and then we'll have a beautiful baby girl here that we will have to take care of,' I answer her as another contraction courses through my body. I wish I could have the drugs that dull the pain, but since our metabolism is so fast, our bodies burn through them too fast for them to be of any use. We all burn too hot for anything to work. There is a poetically beautiful aspect to everything being so natural, bringing us all closer to our roots.
"We're here, Alaina," Brandon calls from the front as the car pulls to a not-so-gentle stop. I rock forward slightly, but Aiden thankfully keeps me from falling into the floorboard. "Aiden, get her inside to the doctor. He's already ready and waiting," he instructs sternly. The power in his voice is something I haven't ever heard him use. I glance out the window to see the door already being held open by one of the nurses working under the doctor. "Good luck, Alaina. We will be right there in a second." I wave my hand in his general direction in acknowledgment as Aiden helps me slide out of the back. He moves to pick me up, but my wolf releases another growl. I give him an apologetic look as he resorts to just helping me waddle across the lawn.
"Everything is ready for you, Luna," I'm greeted as Aiden guides me through the door. "Her room is right this way," she instructs Aiden as we all hurry down the hallway. We make it into the room to see the doctor setting things up.
"Luna," he greets me with a nod of his head as Aiden helps me up onto the bed. "Okay, I'm going to need you to change into this gown so we can get you settled and checked," he explains as he hands me a gown. I stare down at it for a second, realizing I may actually need help to get changed since the pain is already bad. I glance over at Aiden and I can't help but resent him for not being Mason.
"Okay," Mary's voice rings out thankfully saving me, "everyone out while I help get her changed." I look at her with so much appreciation as she shoos everyone out of the room and shuts the door. I lean back against the bed as she helps me slide my pants off while I quickly pull my shirt over my head and then slide the gown on. Mary quickly ties the strings before helping me lie back on the bed. The others come back in and start getting everything hooked up as another contraction hits.
I do my best to breathe through the pain as I grip Mary's hand. I feel her slight wince, but it doesn't quite register as the pain consumes me.
"Okay, Luna," I vaguely hear the doc say, "I'm just going to check you and make sure everything's going in the right direction and check your progress." I don't even know if I manage a nod as the pain intensifies again. I groan as I curse everyone and everything. I feel the contraction end, but the pain doesn't stop. My breathing hitches as I let my heavy head fall back against the pillow. My eyes seem to blur as I look up at the ceiling.
"Alaina?" I hear someone calling for me, but I can't answer. My lungs seem to burn with each small breath I manage to pull in. I shift my eyes around the room, but I can't see anything. Everything's all just one giant blur of colors. I try to focus on one thing, one person, anything to help me understand what's happening to me. I feel pressure on one of my hands, but I can't respond to it. I don't even know who it is with me right now. Mary was by my side, but I don't know who else came in with the doctor.
"What's wrong with her?" another voice mutters. I fight to keep my eyes open, but I'm fighting a losing battle. I do my best to push away this pain long enough so I can see my baby. "Why isn't she responding to anything?"
"You were here when Mary had your son, Brandon. You saw how much pain she was in," the voice - this one had to be the doctor - explains softly. The voices sound like they're in a tunnel and they keep getting farther and farther away from me.
"Yes, but Mary was nowhere near as bad as this. What's going on, Doc?"
Panic starts to fill my entire body as I listen to the muffled voices. Something's wrong with me, and if something's wrong with me, then something could be wrong with Everleigh. I feel myself start to drift further out of consciousness, but I fight it with everything I have in me… which isn't a lot at this point. Spending my days lying away in a bed wallowing in my own self-pity seems to have done nothing to prepare me for this moment.
"Mary wasn't this bad because she had her mate beside her. Mates share a bond that… we've never fully understood how it works, but it helps the mothers through this process. With the Alpha gone," I wince as those words manage to come in slightly more clearly, "the Luna is going to have to do this all on her own, making it more dangerous and painful. Her wolf is in pain and she doesn't have her mate to ease her through this. If we can't keep her conscious, I'm going to have to do an emergency cesarean to get the baby out safely. It is a rare procedure done on wolves because the amount of drugs needed can be very dangerous to both mother and pup, but these circumstances are quite different. We have to do what's best for both of them."
I feel pressure on my hand again. I roll my head to the side, but my vision has shifted from a blur to black. I try to reach out, for what I'm not sure, and I feel someone else grab my hand.
"Alaina, can you hear me?" someone asks. I try to nod but fail. My head lulls to the side as all the strength I have inside me starts to dwindle away. I can still feel the pain, I know it's there, but as much as it hurts… I'm starting to go numb to it all. "Will she be okay if you do the procedure? Will she survive that?"
"She'll be fine if we do it as quickly as possible. She'll heal quicker than humans and it is a safe procedure. The only thing is her wolf is already in so much distress from losing the Alpha and now this pain, it can make things more unpredictable."
I don't care what they have to do as long as my baby is safe.
I want Mason here with me. He should be by my side as we welcome our daughter into this world. He's out there somewhere and I can't find him. He's going to miss one of the most important moments of our lives. I don't want to do this alone, and I shouldn't have to. I can see those beautiful amber eyes staring down at me as I lie here in pain. He would take my hand and tell me that everything is going to be alright as he pressed his lips against my head. He would assure me that all of this pain will be worth it because we're going to have a daughter after this. He would tell me he loves me more than anything and he would stay by my side until this was over and Everleigh was in our arms…
But he's not here. He's not here to tell me anything. He's not here to help me through this. Without him here, I don't think I can do this. My body goes limp as my mind drifts further into my memories of where Mason is holding me in his arms. I think back to the first day we met, I ran into him in the woods and without even knowing my name he protected me from those trackers that had been chasing after me. If I had never made it to him that day, I would probably be dead. I would be dead, but Mason would be safe and leading this pack instead of out there doing God knows what. I know he wants to come home. I can feel it. If I can still feel him through our bond, then I know he can feel it too. He has to feel it.
'Alaina,' I hear someone say in my head, but it's so distant that I don't even attempt to respond to it. Nobody's talking to me. I'm gone and that's all there is to it. I'm weak. I can't even stay awake and hold myself together long enough to give birth to my daughter. I'm weak. 'You're not weak, my love.'
I know that voice.
The fog clouding my eyes begins to fade away and I find myself standing in my room. I look down to see my swollen belly is gone and I'm in a beautiful purple sundress I've never seen before. I feel someone behind me and I can't hide my gasp as I turn around.
Mason.
"Do not ever call yourself weak, Alaina. You are so much stronger than you know." I stand there in shock as I stare into the eyes that I haven't seen in two months. My breath hitches and I sob quietly. He's here. But... where is here? I was in the hospital in labor and now I'm standing in our room back home. My hands reach for my belly out of habit and it finally sinks in that it's flat again. Fear spreads as I try to figure out what's going on. Am I dead? Please, no I can't be dead. I didn't even get to see Everleigh. I didn't get to see my daughter!
"Mason," I speak softly as tears fill my eyes. It feels so good to say his name again and have him actually standing in front of me. "What's going on? Where's Everleigh? Where have you been these last two months? Everyone keeps saying you're dead, that you're never coming home, but I know that's not true." Question after question falls from my lips, but all he does is smile at me. "Mason, what's happening?"
"I love you, Alaina. Always remember that, okay?" I nod my head as he steps toward me. I try to reach for him but I can't. "I can't come home, so that means you have to take care of our pack. You have to take care of yourself. You have to take care of our daughter."
"Am I dead?" I ask through trembling lips. Please tell me that I'm not dead and that's why I'm seeing him. Neither of us can be dead, this is all just a dream… it has to be. I try to focus on what I remember happening before I heard his voice in my head, but it's hard to think past him right now.
"You're not dead, you're unconscious. The doctor is in the middle of performing a C-section and everything is going smoothly. You're going to be fine. You're going to raise our daughter and you're going to take care of the pack without me. Always remember, Alaina, you are stronger than you realize. You can do more than you know." He reaches out to touch my arm, but as he inches closer to me, he begins fading. No! He can't leave me again! I just got him back, even if it's only for this little bit of time, but I'm not ready for him to go just yet. "I love you," he whispers softly before disappearing altogether as tears pour from my eyes.