His kisses peppered her face and neck. Each nibble heating her insides to melting points. She felt him beginning to tug at her hemline. Somehow that made her hotter inside. Is this how it's supposed to feel? He grabbed her closer. He was ravenous. He swallowed her up and she held on for dear life. The space between non-existent. She wanted to be a part of him and him a part of her. He picked her up. Grabbing her ass in the process. The momentary feel of his hands so close made her senseless. She moaned into his mouth. His fingers slipped under her shirt, making quick work of her bra clasp. Yes, she thought. Please. She wanted all of him.
Today was the day. Her insides trembled with what had to be anticipation. The pain a cross between hunger and the stomach flu. She hadn't seen him in over ten years. A decade. How coincidental it was start of the new decade. Her horoscope said she would be reconciling with a past love. It had to be him. The one who infiltrated her waking thoughts and dreams. The one who had always been her "it". He had disappeared from her life because of family. How serendipitous he should reappear just the same.
She had been relegated to holding up the wall a long time ago. The memorial service went off without a hitch. The usual wailing of close family members. The stoic silence of distant friends. Nothing out of the ordinary. She stood back to allow others their time to grieve and greet. Funerals were what family reunions were to other families. People greeting long lost relatives. It was hard for some. But her task was done.
She was told he would be visiting. She kept a loose track of him over the years. Knowing that they were destined to be. Now her horoscope confirmed it. His wife wouldn't be able to make the trip. He was her sole caretaker. She didn't know how he would make it happen. Not wishing the worst for him but hoping against all odds she would get to see him. Drop a hint or two. Or if not, subtlety let him know she would wait for him.
Just as she was giving up hope, she saw him.
He walked into the room with confidence. His 6'2 frame still slim but muscled. His burnished copper color skin gleamed in the artificial light. His hair beginning to grey yet couldn't hide the childlike glint in his eyes. He wore a black suit with blue pinstripe shirt and a black tie. She didn't remember when he looked so polish. She remembered a playful spirit in jeans and t-shirt. Here was a mature man who carried himself with grace. Her dreams come to life.
She stood frozen. Her eyes taking it all in. Lars took a deep breath. She was sweating. All of the haze in her dreams were filling in. She could not unsee the details.
She must have closed her eyes. When she looked up, he was standing right in front of her.
"I know that face anywhere. Hi beautiful." He reached towards her. The hug she knew was coming, came.
Her heart skipped several beats. This is what she expected. Was it her imagination? Did it last a little longer than normal? Sweat began to bead on her back. Flustered she stepped back and looked up at him. He was the reason she always liked tall men.
"Hi yourself. I didn't know you were coming." A little lie. Couldn't let him know how much she wanted him to be there. How she imagined crying on his shoulder.
"I'm so sorry Larsy. I would have come sooner had I known he was sick." He called her by that nickname since grade school. She didn't allow anyone else to do so. He always got the pass.
"I understand. He would have loved to see you again." She teared up instantly. Too soon to talk of her father.
"He helped me out when I had no one to turn to. I owe him a lot." His voice clouded with tears unshed.
They moved over to a quiet spot outside the repast .
"So how are you holding together?"
"It's been hit or miss. I have my good days. But mostly it's heart-wrenching. I don't know how I will be able to push through. We became close the last few years."
"Yeah, I remember when my father passed. I couldn't function for days. Even months later I sometimes felt unanchored. You know what I mean?"
Lars choked a little on the tears. Talking to someone who knew her father always made her tear up. It brought it home.
"Yes, I understand. It's hard to think about him at times." She squared her shoulders. This is not what she wanted.
"So how are you doing? Are you still married?" She jumped right in. If she didn't it would never happen.
He looked at her quizzically.
"Yep still married. My wife had a stroke a few months back. She's not doing too bad but has some trouble walking and speaking."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear." Lars already knew this. She had to keep telling herself not to wish evil on his wife. But she knew this was her man. Nothing in the world would keep her away from him.
"She's strong. Doctors say she will be around a long time," he said wistfully. He had a dreamy look on his face. Lars realized he loved his wife. It hit like a punch. Her stomach clenched. Damn. Hopefully it wasn't food poisoning. She knew the feeling came from not having him. She wanted him to be happy. She also wanted him to be hers again.
She reached over and touched his hand.
"She is. She's lucky she has you to help her." He looked down at her hand and back up to her eyes.
"Do you know I sometimes think about you? I wonder what it would have been like to have you as my wife."
Lars snatched her hand back. As usual, he had no filter for her. She wondered as well. But her father would have forbidden it. At least years ago he did. By the time she was old enough to not care, he was already married.
She looked down. Trying to decide whether the time was right to let him know her heart.
"I wonder as well," Her heart burned in her chest. This was it. Let him know how much she loved him still. The one person who always knew her heart and soul. The one person that time stood still because of.
"I owe you an apology. It's years too late but it has always eaten me up." She looked down at her hands. Somehow the tears she kept bottled up all these years started to slip past her armor.
"Why, what for?"
"I'm sorry I never stood up for you. When Mom and Dad kicked you out. When people asked about you and I. I should have told them that we were together. I was so scared that they would stop me from seeing you. You were my first in everything and I let you go because I was too scared to stand up to them."
Lars looked up at him. She saw something in his eyes. A spark. With it a shiver went down her spine.
"You don't owe me an apology Larsy. In fact I owe you one. I had no idea what I gave up. You were so innocent then. I thought it was too soon for you to commit to me. I should have fought harder for us."
She leaned towards him. Eager to show him just how much he meant to her. The pull caused an ache so great that it consumed her. She shivered. The same reaction his kissed caused so many years before.
At that moment, her aunt came walking out of the repast.
"Lars, this is where you disappeared to," her aunt exclaimed. "Sorry young man. There are some family members Lars needs to meet before they leave."
She reluctantly separated from him. She drank in every aspect of him. From his speckled grey hair, his cinnamon tinted skin to his long graceful fingers. She wanted to remember this moment.
"Please don't leave without giving me your information," she called out to him. She didn't look back to see his response.
"I wouldn't think of it."
She spent the next hour connecting with family members and friends. She glimpsed him talking to others as well. Whenever it seemed she had a free moment, he was amid a conversation. She wanted to pick up where they left off.
Her moment to breathe came just as he walked up to her.
"Hi,"he said with a smile.
"Hi again."
"Do you want to get away from here?"
"Sure. I came with my daughter. Let me text her so she doesn't worry."
Lars felt all kinds of giddy. She also felt conflicted. This was her first love after all. This was the man who taught her all manner of things; sensual and non-sensual. He was also the only person who listened to her; the only person she ever talked to openly. She also knew about Karma. If they do anything she dreamt of, there was no chance in hell of this going any further.
"Let's go get a drink somewhere."
"A drink?" He looked perplexed. He could always read her signals. Obviously, he felt the sexual tension building between them.
"Look Damien. I am all for rekindling things between us. But you are married. And you're taking care of your sick wife. That's all kinds of universe wrong. So, let's get reacquainted in a public place."
"My hotel has a bar."
"Slick, you know that's not what I meant." She punched him on the arm. But that was how easy things were between them. How it had always been.
"I understand. Somehow every time I am around you, I lose my focus on reality. I don't know if that's good or bad."
He was always so honest around her. She felt like she was kicked in the stomach. All those years spent away from him and they had picked up where they left off.
"Maybe it's not a good idea for us to be alone," she said backing up. She wanted so much to act out her dreams. Those hotter than hot moments being back in his arms. Those kisses down her neck. The moment his lips touched hers. Him picking her up...
She shook her head.
"Damien, my love for you is the same it was years ago as it is today. I made a mess of everything years ago. I want us to be together, but I want it to be a clean start. Not hiding behind your wife's back. That is not how I want us to be. That's not the type of man I want."
"I know Larsy. I spent the last 20 years wishing she were you."
"But you chose her. And now she needs you to be there for her. Not cheat on her with me the first chance you get."
"I know. She has been there for me too. I owe her." Damien put his head down. "I love you both. You were my first love as well. I just love her differently."
"I know," Lars reached for his hand. Her heart was breaking. She knew that until his wife passed, nothing could happen between them. "Let's…"
"Hey Lars, Damien? We're getting ready to take family pictures." Lars' brother Lamont came up behind her. His eyes taking in them holding hands. His eyes glinted a quick warning to Damien. Always protective of his older sister. He nodded his head in greeting.
"You coming?"
The next 30 minutes Lars devoted herself to documenting family. Her family tended to gather only at weddings and funerals. With so few weddings these days and so many funerals, there was always one side frowning while the other smiled.
During the rush of organizing everyone, she lost sight of Damien. The idea of meeting with him kept the smile on her face, even with such a solemn occasion. Her mind kept going back to that smile. With it came the shivers of anticipation.
"Girl, why are you so happy? I thought you would be over here crying your eyes out," asked her sister-in-law.
"Uhm, well you know. Just thinking I love seeing family. Even though this is a sad occasion. Family makes it worthwhile." That was part of the truth. Nothing would make her mention her true feelings. At least not now. Plus telling her sister-in-law Mack meant her brother would soon find out. The less he knew the better.
"Really, is that the reason?" asked Mack slyly. "I thought it was because of Damien. Silly me." With that she walked away humming.
Shock went through Lars' body. Damn. Here we go again. Not even one full night and people already saw through the ruse. Her love for him clearly on display.
At the end of the night, she made her way through the remaining throng of friends and relatives. She could not find him anywhere. She saw her brother talking to a few relatives at the door. He had made himself the unofficial doorkeep. She rolled her eyes. Just like him to be the center of attention.
"Lamont, you seen Damien?" She ignored the side eye from the woman that had cornered him.
"Yeah he left out of here about 30 minutes ago."
"What? What do you mean? Did he say anything?" Her world crumbling. She had looked for him so long. It couldn't be that he left her without a word.
"Nope, just said good-bye and left," the nonchalance dripping. "I guess he said all he needed to say."
Lars stood for a moment. Shock written all over her face. She felt like her world crumbled. It took all of her strength to not breakdown. Even the death of father paled to the loss she experienced then.