" And wherever you run into it, prejudice always obscures the truth. "
August 7, 2001
As I linger much longer in this room with Laura, I've noticed a pattern of confusion.I'm appalled to think she hates me and have a sudden suspicion she's been cheating on me.She has been working at this liquor store for a while now and comes home around midnight but the place closes at 9 pm and I don't I know anymore.I am confused if I should confront her about this feeling or just ignored.It seems selfish of me to do so.
What the hell am I saying, I went from a young man in high school enjoying life and now I'm just a has-been one hit wonder star bound loser.I miss my old way of life, the small drama the way, the way the neighborhood would come together on small occasions; I miss the old birthdays, I miss Ryan.A part of me wishes him and the rest of my old friend group could see me now and another part of me loathes them seeing my appearance now.
It's 2:37 am, a cold night as I look out the window onto an empty and bland neighborhood that I lack to interact with.Laura sleeps in her uniform as she awakes at 9:00 am to go to work.I also feel ashamed that I seem like a slob, a sort of cancer that she can't get rid of; I've gambled my luck at kids but she's not for that.
I'm in my boxers and slippers as I light a cigarette, it's disgusting to live like this now.All that movie stuff is behind me, I'm a changed man, a freeman.I have a small itch for music but it won't fill the void of nothingness.
Maybe I could give this all up, this whole genuine despair and live a new life.Go to Mexico and start a family then abandon them to make a new family back here in America.I open the window slowly as it had small creaks, i let the cigarette play its final course as I can hear Laura snoring.She sleeps with no care and I love her for it.
You know that feeling of when you die and get those special memories all in one, a small recap of your life.I'm feeling that now, it starts slowly as I throw out the cigarette; such a waste of a good death.She continues to as I walk out of the room with the cigarette box and lighter in hand.I closed the door slowly as I walked the hallways into the kitchen.
I tend to have a small knack for things like this, I find them so cliche to be feeling this way.Father always said to be a man and live well but what's good being a man if he can't express himself.I sat down as I felt such a cold sweat when I pushed my chair in to get more adjusted.I need no introduction to my life as you should've been following along by now but just realize it's soon to end.
Not in the way of demise or death but in the way of peaking.It's kind of like those people that visit their old high school or go to high school football games after graduating; it's so saddening.You can see that's when they truly felt at peace and happy.I can confidently say I am not one of those people or I think I'm not.I never did any of that stuff but I everyday miss the good old days.I smoked another cigarette as I began to have all those memories again.
When Me and my old friend group hung out and felt free, when me and Ryan would stay up and watch movies together; when I first met Laura again and fell in love.This point in life is such a disappointment when high school didn't teach me to be this way, it taught me to prepare for a future I didn't know I had.
Maybe it was my fault for always slacking around and not focusing on my education that I'm living like this.Sure I made one mediocre film but it's not as entertaining as being remembered how Presidents will.They could be gone for decades and they'll still be remembered in a historical and cultural aspect.Hey why not live til the right age and run for President, that'll be fun ? Ah to hell with that, I'd be an awful President.
I had panda eyes as I haven't slept right in weeks and I have such a dead face due to lack of interaction.The last time I had a decent conversation was with Laura about getting a cat; I sadly said no because I fucking hate cats.
A single tear dropped from my left eye as I stared out the kitchen window that sort of overlooks the city.Suddenly that tears began to multiple and multiple until waterfalls tore itself onto my eyes.I sobbed like a dog and cried like a crow as I couldn't bare the weight of so many things occurring in life, I have so many ideas and dreams but have no jumpstart or motivation to do it.I have no Will to live but no time or commitment to end it all tonight.
I haven't even noticed I've finished my cigarette, I dumped in the nearby ashtray on the table as I started another.I puffed as I began to play with the lighter, I waved it in the air for fun as I accidentally dropped it.The flame stopped but I still jumped as it tapped my shoe.I picked up as I got back to my sitting posture but hit my head on the table corner,
"Ahh fuck !" I moaned as it gave me a migraine.
I rubbed my head as it stung for a moment, it felt like a bee with an anvil-sized stinger had been dropped on it, fuck this pain.
I got up and went into the kitchen and began to cook food, I was hungry I suppose.I put down the skillet and added some cooking oil; not too much but just enough.I had the little fan and light on as the skillet pan slowly began to heat.I still had the cigarette in mouth as I turned on the tv which is positioned to face the entire kitchen.It was showing some episodes of "The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air", I love this show.
I got out a half a pound of ground beef as I placed the bag of it on the kitchen table.The moonlight from the outside poured in as it gave some reflection of why there's a small reason to keep being upbeat.I looked at the clock on the wall as it 3:00 am exactly.I whistled the tv show theme song as I the pan was hot by now.I say some bread loafs in a plastic bag on the table as I opened it up. I took one out as I reached over to a drawer to get out a good clean and sharp kitchen knife.
I began to cut the bread in half as with one I made a sandwich cut and the other I had cut into small slices, mimicking garlic bread slices.I have added Salt and vinegar with some garlic and chili powder to it, hell I was making a mess but who cares.
I did the same to the other half of the bread as I quickly got out the ground beef and threw it in the pan.I sizzled like it the cow was begging to be let go, it was mesmerizing.I got out a big spoon as I began to chop it up in the pan some more.I lowered the heat level as I began to add salt and chili powder to it.Not too much salt but an atomic bomb of chili powder, i over spice and I'm fine with that.
I put back the bottles of flavors as I had let the ground beef roll around and drenched in the powder and salt twice now; only do it twice.I got another pan ready as I heated it up but added the smallest fractions of cooking oil I could, it's for the bread.I got butter out as I added the smallest amount I could, I hate butter but don't mind it on bread, especially this bread.
I don't know what type of bread this is where it's soft on it's feeling but crunchy when biting into it, a literal illusion of taste.I sat down as I let the two pans battle it out with its heat, the beef one being very low and the other being very high, only high for the moment.
I waited a minute as I looked over to the tv ad I laughed at this episode, it was a scene where Uncle Phil hustles some guys in a game of pool.You see it's stuff like this, this type of stuff that I want.This famous life and how you're so loved like how Will Smith is.
I turned back to the pans as I began to raise the heat in the beef and lowered the empty pan.I began to add the breads, as many as possible.I had them sit there as I hovered over them and kept watch.You have to with these or else they'll burn really fast, it's key to be focused on the bread.
That juice from the beef began to have its battlecry as it sparked the oil.I was intrigued but kept my focus as I flipped the bread slices with some tonsil I had ready in hand.
They were flipped as I put the tonsil on the kitchen table and got the big spoon that I had laying aside the ground beef pan back with me.I began to music it around and give it cuts as each little stab to the beef was another bad memory gone, I think I've found my true passion.
I had no more sweat as I was focused on this dish, I can't fuck this up.I'm being honest when I say I can't remember the last time I cooked something for myself, Laura was never usually able to do I'd rely on fast foods mainly or microwaves foods-
My god the breads ! I got back to them as I idiotically left it on a high heat, I hadn't even noticed, I'm an idiot.
I got the tonsil as I began to flip them ad a majority of them were burnt, only two or three of the nine were cooked well.
"Screw it !" I said as I got a plastic plate out and poured the breads on it as I had only the two big slices left for the main sandwich.I lowered it this time as I got back to the beef.
I flipped it around a couple times as each flip was a couple cuts into it, it was nearly ready.It was no longer pink so now is the fun part, more chili powder !
I got the bottle and poured it in with no mercy, I know the consequences that will occurs I could care not of the punishment.
I stopped after three dabs of it around the beef, I placed it back with the other bottles.I checked in the breads as I quickly got the tonsils and flipped them, they were crisp and good.I flipped the beef around as to let the new chili powder emerge with the old chili powder in such a short amount of clarity.
I now sat back down as I looked back at the tv, still hilarious.What you might remember is the cigarette, this whole time it's in mouth as I let it simmer on it's own with little inhales and exhales, note:
If you're making this dish don't smoke while doing it, it kills the flavor; I only do it because I'm starving I assume.
Well I threw out the cigarette into the trash bin nearby as I now got up and flipped the bread slices, they were perfect.I had another plate ready as I placed the two slices down as I turned off the heat going into the empty pan and threw the pan into the sink and poured it with cold water first then hot water; I rinsed it good.
I went back to the ground beef pan as I moved it around some more as I left the heat at it's max.I sat back down as now is the waiting game.Most people would turn of that flame and get beef out but I like it crisp so good it pops when I get it out the pan.
I watched tv for a minute as suddenly Laura walked into the kitchen wearing a baby blue bathrobe.
"The hell you doing ?" She asked as I gave a smirking expressive face and replied
"I'm cooking, you want some ?"
She sat down aside me in the kitchen as she gave a disappointed sigh.I got up again and looked at the ground beef as she said
"You're burning it …" she sounded tired,
"You sound tired, what are you doing awake ?"
I said as she opened the kitchen window to let the aroma leave.
"The smell woke me up …." She replied as I couldn't tell if this was a good or bad sense of smell.
"Oh that's a good thing I hope ?" I questioned as she took a bite of the cooked buttered bread slices.
"This is burnt too …" she said as she still ate it.
"I know " I replied as I turned of the flame and poured the ground beef into a bowl with the big spoon.I placed it back down as I then got out another bowl and began to pour the rest into it for Laura.The scraped any little bits out as Laura was now eating a second burnt slice of bread.
I put the pan in the sink as I drained it in cold water tube switched to hot as I rinsed it.I put it there as I got two spoons out of the drawer and placed one on each bowl.I got the bowls off the counter as I got them to the table for us.She got her as began to eat slowly as I sat down and poured the ground beef into one bread slice and began to make my little atrocious but delicious sandwich.
She notices this and asked
"Why didn't you just make it into a patty shape ?"
I really hadn't thought of that but I liked how it came out regardless.
"Well then it's less of challenge when eating …" I say this to not make myself look stupid but I think she noticed because she started laughing.
We both got back to eating as she ate that burnt bread as she said
"You know this right here causes cancer …."
I then pulled out the cigarette box and reply
"So do these …hehe "
We both started laughing as we ate, she remarked
"You should really quit smoking though .."
I quickly added on
"I will one day "
This whole night was a unique experience you don't get much but you deserve.Well this is how I finish my little life, from school to suffering.In the short time frame I've had I don't feel accomplished.I'm being honest when I say you're still young so stop feeling so old-fashioned.Don't here that boring saying of time will tell- actually wow it's 3:22 am, I see on the clock.
Well anyways, stay humble and stay focused and to hell with it, you can 60 years old and finally feel accomplished; doesn't matter now just know you matter when it comes to self-righteousness.Don't ever feel the urge of growing up so fast or being something in life, with the right people or right understanding of things you can feel whole.Never be afraid of risk and never be scared of change for that change is the risk.Damn this food is good, once again I've made a masterpiece.
THE END