"What're you up to, Seraph?", Chopper asked, taking a seat beside me.
I myself had no clue what I was up to. Everything looked fine. Lady, the Valkyries, and Valhalla too.
"What happened to the letter?", I asked.
"What letter?"
I didn't yet know where to place myself. I stayed silent.
"What's up with you, kid? You know I can tell that you fought someone", he scrutinized me.
Even I didn't know that I had fought someone. I looked at myself. And though I didn't find any trace of being out of place, I realized that I was aching all over. I could tell I had gone all out. The remnants of Nasty's grip caused my body to hurt this much.
I was sitting near Lady's bathing pool and Chopper had joined me. He'd never been here before. But most importantly, Lady didn't know we were here. If she found out, she'd have sent us on another grueling mission.
"Oi, kid, I'm talking to you. You good?"
I think it was then that I lifted my gaze finally and looked at his face. At first it felt like I couldn't recognize him or this world at all.
I kept staring at him like an idiot till all the pieces started to come together and become one into his form. It was Chopper alright. That very rigid but almost too young a face was definitely Chopper's.
Chopper had his moments where he looked much younger. You could tell that at times like these, he was laid back and not on guard.
"Ch-Chopper-san?", I stared at him, my mouth half open.
"Huh?", he was perplexed.
"How...how've you been?", I quickly averted my gaze and started looking down at the cold stream of water.
"Huh? Oi, oi, Seraph", he stood up, "Let's get you checked. Sight'll do."
"No, no, I'm quite all right, Chopper-san..."
"You don't look it, kid."
"I meant to tell you", I said, only to get him off my case and to get him to sit back again, "I meant to tell you something."
"What?"
"I said I meant to-"
"Yes, what did you intend to tell me?"
"Uhh...sit down, will ya?"
"Look, kid-"
"Chopper-san, come on. It's not that bad here. I'm tired. Sit down please, will ya?"
Chopper eyed me for a good minute or two but then decided to sit down after all. We watched the water in silence for another moment or two.
"Eso is carrying your child", I said, very plainly.
"Huh?", he turned his head to confirm if I was serious.
Silence ensued for a while. When he'd confirmed I wasn't pulling his leg, he looked back at the water.
"It couldn't be mine", he declared, "The woman is lying."
"Do you really think so?", I asked.
"That she'd lie? I'm sure she would. You didn't find her in the best of situations, I can bet. And a woman like her, in a time like that, will most definitely lie", Chopper seemed to be lying himself.
I didn't deny him anymore.
"She wanted you to know. Maybe give it a name...", I was more focused on the water now than before.
"I wouldn't want to give anyone a name. That's not my kid", Chopper declared again.
The truth of the matter became clear to me three years later when I met Eso for the last time. She was on her death bed then. And she trusted me with her son. I understood, just by looking at the face of that kid, that under the shade of a huge tree, while we watched the cold water of the stream, while my entire body was hurting, Chopper had told a lie.
I took the kid with me. Gave him a name and adopted him. That kid was all I had left of Chopper.
"What if I'm still redoing my memory like back then?", I asked Chopper as wind blew past.
The water splashed the rock I was sitting on. I moved back up beside Chopper on a huge tree root.
"Redoing it?", he looked up.
"I forgot all about Annaisha because I erased the existence of her memory from my head", I answered, "My sister, Annaisha."
Chopper was staring up at some birds in the blue sky.
"Annaisha", he mumbled to himself.
"What if I'm doing it again? I wouldn't even know, would I?", I asked, almost musing to myself.
"You wouldn't", he answered, "Are you redoing the world right now, Seraph?"
I hadn't expected him to catch on that quickly. I never intended to tell him the truth but I felt I had no choice anymore. For one, I wouldn't have minded sharing it with a friend.
"I've done it about thrice now. At least those I can remember. I don't suppose...I think I may have done it more times though, Chopper-san", I confessed.
"That seems plausible."
I wondered for a moment if Chopper was even paying attention. But I suppose he was. He seemed thoughtful and careless whenever he was paying attention.
"Well...if I've done it more than a couple of times, then...by your standards, the way you think, Chopper-san", I found it hard to navigate my way around the right words, "What would you make of this, Chopper-san?"
"Of your many attempts? I think, Seraph, it's very clear to both you and me what that implies", he didn't lose sight of the birds.
I hung my head low.
"It means I've been failing every time", I answered, "It means something horrible happened in the end every time. So this reality is actually very far from the really real one. I'm sure you're really dead."
"It just means you haven't succeeded yet. And if you've gone as far as removing your memory of it, then it'd be more than just a couple of times. You may have revamped the universe hundreds of times already and all for the sake of this sad lot", he paused briefly, "Say Seraph, have you ever considered giving up on all of us? Do you think it may not have been your fault you failed but ours instead? I won't try to deny how much of a freak all of us are. Do you understand what I'm saying, Seraph?"
"A deviant."
"Huh?"
"You're not a freak, Chopper-san. Of course, I've considered that too. But regardless, if I've been going all this time, that must mean I've wanted to find a solution just that bad", I answered.
"Maybe this one is the solution. This reality, this sky, those birds. This world. Maybe this one is what you were looking for."
"Either that or you're about to die", I answered. smirking vaguely.
"But what if it turns out to be the solution for real? You just said this one was too far from the original reality. If this is it, Seraph, are you okay with living in a world like that?"
Of course, I'd considered it too. I'd have hated to live in a world that I couldn't help seeing as fake.
"If this is all that's left...no, rather, if this is a solution finally, I wouldn't mind it really. I don't have a choice anyway", I answered.
"How many times really, Seraph?", he asked as if he expected me to secretly know the answer.
"I've no clue, Chopper-san", I couldn't be more honest.
"I suppose you don't", he answered, "I don't suppose you even realize what you did. This can't be your perfect reality, kid. I'm sure of it. You're just losing it. But I suppose when you've got a choice to redo the world over and over again, it's not a big deal losing control and letting it all out."
I didn't know what he was talking about. I turned back to look at him. He averted his eyes from the birds in the sky and returned my gaze.
"I'm glad that even in a time like this, you haven't tried to hurt me, Seraph", he answered and a faint glow passed in his eyes.
I knew instantly what I'd done. I knew how we were able to come to Lady's place without her finding out about it. I turned back and tried to compose myself as the water splashed by.
But then I couldn't really settle. I sprang up and started towards Valhalla. The forest was thick around that part. I was hurting all over already but I didn't let one or two scrapes let me stop.
Soon as I exited the forest, my eyes lay on Valhalla. It hadn't collapsed but it wasn't exactly standing. Everything was in ruins and there was no sign of anyone. I stood frozen. It was as if I hadn't changed anything.
Just then I felt something beside me. I turned my head to find a bloodied figure resting against a tree.
It was Lady. She looked cold. She wasn't much different from the visage I had almost gotten used to seeing.
"L-Lady...", escaped my mouth.
"Even she couldn't stand against you. I wonder if she held back", Chopper had seemingly followed me.
"Against me?", my suspicions were becoming clear, "Did I...?"
I stared at him, bewildered.
His hands trembled as he took out a cigarette but he wore a smirk anyway.
"You did all this, Seraph. You killed everyone", he answered, lighting his cigarette.
I stood mum for a long time.
"Why?"
"Perhaps you were so sick of everything. In the end, you do realize that the problem isn't with you but with us. Perhaps you lost hope of fixing everything so you decided to pluck the problem at its root."
"No, no, no, no, Chopper-san", I muttered, going ahead and grabbing him by his collar, "I wouldn't do that."
He chuckled weakly. But then looked me straight in the eye.
I broke away from him and grabbed my head.
It was crazy. It was all just crazy. I was crazy. For a minute, Chopper looked like he was staring at an animal. And I felt nothing more than that, either. I was suffocating in my own body.
"You told me to kill you when you went out of control", he broke the silence, "I decided I would. Even though I'd have had to go against Lady's word to do it. But I would've done it anyway. This time was different though. You were different. I could tell there was more to play than you going berserk."
"Why didn't you stop me?", I was on the verge of breaking down.
"Why didn't you kill me, Seraph?", he asked, staring me dead in the eye.
I didn't know.
"If this is the solution, Seraph. With you and me, and no Valhalla, no Lady, no rules, no nothing. If that's a solution, then you've made it. I'm sure you've done it over many times. Do things look like they've changed enough? There will be nothing from here on out and you won't be alone. Is that a good thing? Would you like to leave all this behind?"
"Why? Why are you asking me all that? What part of this looks like a solution?!", I was about to lose my mind and possibly explode.
"Because you created this reality, Seraph. Why did you create such a reality? Are we just that expendable? The individual cards. We don't make up a part of your game. Your final reality is the only one you are working for. But those of us that die in the realities you leave behind, we are nothing to you."
I could barely see his face, I was so dizzy.
"No...Lady...", I fell down.
I hadn't felt grief like I did then. I couldn't see Chopper standing in front of me anymore.
"Well, Seraph, I'll ask again. Are you okay with living in a world like this?", he kneeled to look at my face and almost whispered to me.
In pain, I closed my eyes.