"Oh, it's just you this time", her gentle smile was as refreshingly dull as ever, "Sorry, I didn't think I'll see you so soon."
"It's nothing to be sorry about", I felt calm just being there.
It was impossible to rest easy when every time we went out, we constantly needed to look over our shoulders. The hostility was growing everyday. It seems the villagers were being threatened by a hostile party. They were told not to sympathize or mingle with us. As a result, people had no choice but to turn their backs on us. No one wanted to be painted as a target and certainly, everyone must have been thinking it was our fault. If only we hadn't come to their land, their peace wouldn't have been destroyed.
At home, I couldn't relax around Lubbock. Serena was nice enough to keep us company, though. Only in her company, did Miss Traveler ever say anything. Mills was feeling burdened too, even though he didn't show it. Neil, on the other hand, once came up to me and said brazenly that he was on our side and as long as we didn't become a problem for Mills, he'd always be on our side. I was glad to hear it, but somehow there was an unescapable feeling of unease that surrounded us.
"Doctor, if you don't mind, could you keep this conversation just between us? I know your people will be curious, but...if at all possible..."
"It won't be a problem", she replied shortly.
She seemed to be in a leisurely mood today and I was glad I came to meet her. In her lonely abode, I felt like I could finally relax. I eventually told her everything. About how we were being treated by the villagers, how we were being protected by the two brothers, and of course, about the hostile group too.
She didn't say much on the matter, but she listened to everything silently.
"It's unfortunate that I have to drag you in our problems but...the truth is, years of war have made us skeptical. Our ancestors isolated themselves from the world in this place. They never looked back on their lives and this is what we all have been taught. Shamballa is all the world to us. As you can see, it is a wonderful place, even if it is strife with distrust and hostility now. You understand right? No one wants to be this way, but we can't be too careful after all."
"But isn't this going a bit too far?!"
"It certainly is. Yet, there is nothing I can do to change that."
"Then...", I wasn't there to ask for her help in the first place, "Answer some of my questions, will you?"
She looked at me with her gentle smile now faded. She nodded slightly in silence and wheeled towards the table.
"Why do you live alone like this? Separated from everyone else in the village. Are they keeping you hostage or something? Are you afraid of them?"
She sighed, donning that same weak smile again.
"I am trusted by everyone in the village. They consult me about various matters. I wonder if they think I'm someone really wise, though I am not in complete denial. I upheld the laws of Shamballa once, more strongly than anyone else around. When you do something like that, it isolates you, right at the top. After all, authority always has to stand alone. Someone has to take on that role, so I did. But, I realized, as a person who was at the top, I couldn't be expected to show emotion, I couldn't show weakness, I couldn't compromise."
She took a short pause, taking in deep breaths as she relaxed back in her chair.
"Freedom is scarce in Shamballa, though most don't realize it. Even a sanctuary like this is no more than a cage, after all. I, at least, didn't want to live in the illusion of freedom so I locked myself up for real. The real thing at least, isn't that disillusioning. It's comfortable here. The laws that I so strongly upheld once seem paltry to me now, but it's true that they've kept me hostage all these years. Not the people, but in a way, my own beliefs. As much as I was running away from being disillusioned, now that I look at myself, I find myself in just that predicament. I think that you are right, I am afraid of them. This is why I'm still hiding."
"Will you never leave here?"
"Probably not."
"Isn't that...", I was lost for words.
"It probably is", she smiled, looking at me.
"Then, Serena's father. How did you meet him? What happened to him?"
"Oh, that takes me back. Way back, indeed", her face lighted up slightly but then went back to usual, "It seems like a lifetime now. He left before she was born. Some years later, I heard he died in a fight. I didn't try to stop him when he left, but I did look for him later. Though I suppose, in a way, it's better that he died. I wonder where he would fit in in my life right now. And for that matter, in Serena's."
"Perhaps your life wouldn't have been like this if he was around."
"Perhaps."
"Say, Doc", I looked away toward the broken medical equipment under the single flickering light that hadn't moved a bit since the last time, "Aren't you actually still suspicious of us?"
I heard her chuckle but didn't look her way.
"Perhaps."
I knew then that Miss Traveler wasn't wrong about Lubbock. He knew something he wasn't letting on.
"Then for my final question", I wasn't going to ask her further about Lubbock or myself, "How do we leave here?"
She waited till I turned my gaze back at her.
"So, you've finally realized, have you?"
I nodded.
In their perfect little world, in their sanctuary, Shamballa, there was no way out. They'd build a heaven around themselves but in reality it was, as she said, no more than just a cage. I had at least come to that conclusion while we walked around town with Serena. Shamballa wasn't meant to be shared at all.