how much is enough for you to know that somebody doesn't like you? indifference? apathy? the fact that they literally tell you in your face that they don't like you? well, for faraday that isn't enough.
the deepest of loves comes with a burning sensation in your heart. not enough to hurt, but enough to make you feel warmer inside. the sentiment of comfyness that comes inside you when you see that person in front of your eyes sometimes can't be beaten by a "no".
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I know I shouldn't but it's not like I can just let go of my feelings towards her. I've been crying inside my sheets for about 30 minutes from time to time I lift enough to uncover one of my eyes and i get to see miss Cecile walking around the window writing in some papers... this is my torture. thinking about forgetting about her and then being reminded about how much I like seeing her around. every time I look at her eyes from time to time I get that pain again in my chest and I want to cry once more because I have that moment of her telling me no overwriting my memories. I'm trapped in an endless cycle. I just... don't want this.
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it has been approximately 45 minutes since the last time I spoke with faraday. she is still in the dark and not doing anything, the blue light has increased in size by about 5%. sounds good until you remember that 5% of almost nothing is still... almost nothing.
she is improving no matter how you see it so I guess it's a matter of waiting... quite a lot time.
I COULD talk to her but that would most likely just make things worse, if anything I should leave and let her handle this on her own.
I should go and talk to Alan so he can help me describe the results for the experiment in a less... casual way
should I say goodbye? I mean, I'm not leaving for the day I'm just going to another room for I don't know now how much, and I also don't think that talking to her is a good idea for the moment.
I.... yeah...
__________
I see miss Cecile leaving. my chest feels horrible for a moment. and I barely stop the impulse to scream at the top of my lungs. I feel terrible but manage to come back to my senses thinking that even at the worst of cases miss Cecile would have told me that she was leaving for today. if she is leaving all of the sudden it just means that she is leaving for a moment and not permanently.....
she would tell me right?....
I am not that important for her to tell me something like that. she would just let me be without telling me that she will not come back. but even then....
even when thinking that she doesn't like me that much I still don't hate her at all. I still think of her face and my heart still accelerates just as much as the first time I saw her. but this time....
this time it hurts too. i need to take this pain and make me remeber that this is how things are going to work from now on. Even if i don't like it, at the end of the day i only want to make things easier For miss cecile.
___________
Alan should be- oh, here it is. the security camera post, still as gloomy as I remember.
once again the door Is open. they really don't take security inside the building too seriously, not Alan at least.
I tap on the door a couple times to make my presence known since Alan has earphones, he turns around and rapidly puts his headphones out.
-oh it's you, what is going on? faraday's room is pitch black and that's well, you know, not supposed to happen
- I came here to talk about that...
- you don't look so good, did something happen?, faraday said something mean?
-wha- no no, she didn't in fact I think I'm the one who said something I shouldn't.
-oh boy it's one of those. here, have a seat.
-thanks
-so, tell me, what happened?.
-faraday told me that she loves me
-...
- I know I was shocked too i-
-like... right now?
-uh... not really it was like an hour ago.
- but like... today?
-yes?
-oh for the love of god...
Alan puts his hand in his face, pinching the space between his eyes, looking extremely disappointed.
-what?
- not even a week, she couldn't wait a week.
-yeah it's quite soon if I'm being honest, but it's not like she knows how to deal with this stuff.
Alan sighs and continues talking to me while still keeping that look on his face. it's not a "I'm angry" face it's more like.... I don't know I'm not in the mood for analogies. he just looks disappointed ok?
-what did you tell her?
- well I said... no
-yeah I figured, it's that why she is in the dark?
-i told her "no" among other things and she asked me to leave for a moment and for me to turn out the lights, so I did.
- well seeing the lack of a blue light inside... that really hit her.
- I know and I feel bad about that. I don't want her to be sad but.... I really don't feel that way towards her.
-and that is completely fine, there is no need to force yourself to feel otherwise.
-but...
- if that is how you feel there is no need to feel bad. you took your decision and is completely ok for it to be a no. and faraday has to learn to deal with it.
- I think I hurt her a little too much...
- the fact that she talked to you after you said that is a really good sign that she doesn't hate you or has any remorse towards you, trust me, she still wants you close
- either way I don't think faraday will enjoy our time after this, having to see me daily while just pretending like nothing happened for both of us will be... hard
-she'll learn to do so, she knew the risks of telling you about her feelings so she should know how to deal with the bad ending. just give her time, she'll be fine.
- she is been like that for over an hour. I don't think she is very well right now. I want to talk to her but I don't think that would be a good idea.
-have you not seen ANY activity inside?
-her hair started to glow again just... really low
- then that means she is dealing with it, just slowly.
and you don't need to worry about her, I'll talk to faraday once you get home.
-...it sounds like you knew this was gonna happen
-i kinda did, I know her.
- that is... what?
-anyway. one more thing, if she asks you to turn off the lights again, please don't. I'm the one on the cameras for now but the guys on top REALLY don't like when you can't see Faraday.
- I just did that because she asked me to...
- then again, thanks a lot for having the consideration. but trust me, if they find a crack in the contention plan they'll harden the security by 11 and I don't think that is going to be good for any of us, specially faraday.
-oh... yeah I get it, I'll leave them up next time.
- please, for now we have enough troubles on our own.
- also, since I can't go inside with faraday to continue our work I was hoping you could help me out with telling me more details about those experiments you did with faraday
- I mean we didn't really do anything to be honest, I just asked her about those and I wrote what she said.
- so you didn't test any of those?
- it's not like I can, you know? that test with the rod was a one in a lifetime thing.
- I'm pretty sure tungsten it's not that rare
-im not talking about the rod itself, I'm talking about madame Gustave, she is the reason that was impressive in the first place.
- now that I think about it, you said in the notes that faraday wouldn't ever get back to that level under her regular mood so... what if we tried with madame Gustave again?
-are you actually crazy? damm I should have made that psychological test.
- Ha-ha very funny.
- Gustave doesn't have the time nor she wants to be here anyway. also she kinda hates faraday after that.
-she does?
- being in the top 3 of most powerful people in existence just to be beaten by a 5 year old and having the temperament of madame Gustave... it's a surprise she didn't kill us all.
- oh... that sounds rough.
- madame Gustave has been asking for years in the council for all of the seven to approve of the disposal of faraday but she never gets more than 2 votes, one of them being her.
- so she actually wants her dead just because she "beated" her?
- do you doubt madame Gustave being that remorseful?
-i.... no
-yeah so I don't think we can count with her co-operation. and I had that idea too, I even talked about it with the council but they all agreed that it would be best for everyone that Gustave and faraday don't meet each other for a long... actually never is a better option, let's leave it at never.
- what a bummer.... wait, do you think they can do that?
-do what?
- "disposing" of her.
-no idea, as you have seen we don't really know much about faraday's mortality. one thing is for sure, Gustave can't.
but seeing how she always asks the other 7 to approve of the idea... I think someone there can actually do it, but as far as who or how, no idea.
- it's not easy to imagine who when the only publicly shown powers are miss's Gustave.
- well they don't really live that long by showing away their powers you know? they know when and how to use them.
- yeah... you're right.
- anyway. I'm really thirsty, I think I'll get some coffee, have you ever had coffee from capucho's?
- uh.... no?
a sudden turn of themes.
-they're great, you should go there some day. they have this fantastic flavor ca-
Alan continue to talk with me about coffee, the conversation then railed to talking about similar topics like candies and sandwiches (?) I didn't say a single word in all that exchange, somehow Alan started to ask and answer himself during all of this. and despite me being a spectator at that point, I was really entertained. it was like watching a stand up show, only difference being that I didn't laugh once, but entertaining none the less. before I even knew 3 hours passed and my worries were taken away by an oddly interesting monologue about how the cookies in the cafeteria are trash now.
-you know, we once had a little civil war right here regarding which cookies we would have for lunch from that point on.
- wait what?
-no, like, for real, people died.
-WHAT?!
-cecile, trust me, those cookies were worth it.
said Alan giving me a look I've only seen in war veterans that came to the hospital once in a while. this man has seen some shit, and it was worth it(?)
as finding any scape from the clearly -having a flashback - Alan I look at the monitors behind him to find out that the once completely dark room is now iluminated by a blueish light coming right from the center of it.
- yo, Alan
-YOU'RE NOT TAKING AWAY MY COOKIES, BACK OFF!
Alan simulates to point what I assume is a rifle to me. scaring my heart out of my body
- o-oh dear sorry I was taken away for a moment, anyway what happened?.
I'm barely able to talk do to the knot in my throat caused by the almost heart attack I had
- f-faraday.
I point at the monitor.
-oh look at that, seems faraday is back on track. should we go and speak with her?
- I don't think talking about what just... well what happened like half a day ago is a good idea.
-half a- oof look at the time, for how long have we been talking about geez.
-a lot, also I didn't talk.
-anyway, I really think you should go and talk to her, especially now because I'm pretty sure she doesn't like the fact that you left her alone for that long
-oh god, that's true, I didn't tell her I would leave.
I'll see you later alan bye!
-...
...
thank God I was running out of themes to distract her.
I run as fast as I can to the room once again, trying to convince myself that leaving a heavily dependant person suddenly doesn't hate me for leaving them without telling them.
I open the door to the room and from the window I see Faraday looking at the entrance through the window, resembling a sad dog waiting for her human. she is resting her arms in the little space there is of wall in front of the window. her arms are crossed and she lays her head on top of them. her eyes are almost glued to the floor as she has given up about me coming back.
-faraday!
she jumps from her place and her hair lights up like a wild fire. illuminating even the room in front of the window.
-miss Cecile!, it's you!
I slowly approach the window, worrying about what her response to this whole situation would be, ignoring the radiant happiness displaying from her face.
-yeah it's me....
- I thought you were gone for real this time...
- no, I.... I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was gonna leave, but I'm back
- yaaay!
she jumps again, looking like a child in Christmas. her happiness begins to worry me, she looks really happy. more than usual at least.
-faraday, are you ok?
-hmm? yeah I'm ok, why do you ask?
- I dunno, you seem... happy
- am I not supposed to be happy?
she says with genuine concern, clearly displayed by the question mark in her head. I really need to find how she does that.
- nonono, I just.... you know what, I'm glad you're happy, that makes me happy too.
faraday smiles and she once again rests in the window.
-so what are we doing today miss Cecile?
-i have an experiment in mind, I need to prepare a couple of drawings though, wait for me 5 minutes.
- there was a lot of waiting today haha
-yeah I'm sorry for that haha. but this time I'll be right here all the time, I'll leave the window open so you can see I'm here. just give a second
-okeeey
she says happily withe going to her cage once more, she rests in her bed and starts writing on that book I saw once.
this whole thing seems weird, is she just going to ignore all that happened and pretend that she didn't declare her love to me?... I mean.... I don't see a problem with it personally but I don't think that is going to be good on the long run.
_____________
September 9
I think, there's no calendar here and I haven't asked Alan about it.
today I told miss Cecile that I loved her and she told me that she didn't feel that way towards me so I felt really bad for half a day.
during my depression I was thinking a lot about trying to forget my feelings of her. but no matter how much I tried, I couldn't. so after struggling for a while I came to the realization that no matter what I would do, nothing would change. so I just went with a better option.
live with it.
nothing will change and I will never get to do the things I want to do with miss Cecile, but at the end of the day, I'll get to see her everyday and spend time with her no matter what, this is for now the happiest I'll ever be. and just ignoring that this happened will someday eliminate all this tension between us and we'll get to act as if nothing ever happened, and that is for the best.
I'm sorry miss Cecile but I still love you, but I won't say it again, it's a promise.