TRIGGER WARNING: Looking for Ashes is a novel in which has depictions of violence, abuse, suicide, death, SA, racism, substance-abuse, pregnancy related issues, and self-harm. Please read at your own discretion.

"Fucking shit." Aika cursed under her breath as she struggled to unlock her door, keys jingling about against the knob.

"Your sister's cunt!" She cursed once more, doing the potty dance at her door, her face not hiding her expressions. Making her way into the small apartment, she didn't bother removing her shoes as she ran to the bathroom dropping her belongings along the way to relieve herself. Upon being able to urinate she felt her entire body able to relax with a deep and satisfied sigh. Aika had trouble using public bathrooms and would hold it rather than go when not home. Was it bad? Yes. She knew this but still refused to use public bathrooms.

Finishing up, she went back to the entrance of her apartment to lock the door and remove her shoes, rubbing the back of her neck. Being a phlebotomist was easy work for her but didn't enjoy being hunched most of the day. If she wasn't hunched over a patient drawing blood, she was hunched over at her desk on her computer working on patient files on the EMR system. Walking over to the small living room, she reached for the remote on the glass coffee table, turning on the TV for some background noise to start dinner.

'Rumored Italian mob boss Pio Fregozo to be involved in the money laundering scheme after just clearing his name of the Maffeo murder-'

'Shelters waiving adoption fees in hopes of being able to clear out shelters-'

'Z Enterprises continues to thrive making itself competition for Axel Anderson-'

'It is believed there were no survivors and now the firefighters will focus on the recovery of the bodies for the families...'

Turning around, she slipped into the kitchen washing her hands before diving into the fridge for some vegetables to make some soup. The news was never interesting to her as she knew the media only showed what fit their agenda. As far as she knew, their job was to report the news, not fabricate it. That's the government's job.

She went about making dinner letting water boil as she began rinsing the vegetables in the sink. Beginning to peel and cut them up, she hummed to a familiar tune until she was interrupted by a call. Frowning, she patted her hands dry on her apron before reaching over to answer the call.

"Aika! Mi pedacito de cielo." (My little piece of heaven) The familiar woman's voice rang and she knew there was a big smile on the other end complimenting the strong Spanish accent that came with it.

"Hi mom." Aika bluntly replied, putting the phone on speaker, setting it on the counter away from the food.

"¿Cómo has estado Aika?" (How have you been, Aika?) Her mother asked, her voice always soft and sweet. "¿Por qué no me llamas, Aika?" (Why don't you call me, Aika?) Her mother then asked and Aika hummed and opened her mouth to speak and couldn't find words to say. Maybe that's why she hasn't called, she brought both her hands against the counter holding her body up. "Aika, quise preguntarte…" (Aika, I wanted to ask…) Her mother began again and she knew exactly what she was going to ask. Aika gripped the granite countertop, her knuckles going white before her mother even mentioned anything. "¿Has visitado a tu papa?" (Have you visited your father?) There it was.

"Ma." Aika began with a sigh. "Está muerto. Para qué voy a visitar una tumba. Él fue el que me enseño que los muertos no sienten y no hay de qué o porqué visitarlo por que yo tampoco debo sentir por los que no sienten por mi." (He's dead. Why am I going to visit a tomb? He was the one who showed me that the dead cannot feel anymore therefore I have no reason to feel for them either.) Aika retorted, her accent slipping out. She tried to be done with this topic of conversation as her phone dinged with a text message from her boyfriend, Zander.

"Aika–"

"Ya basta ma. Está muerto." (Enough mom. He's dead.) Aika said coldly, reaching over to her phone.

Zander: hi babe i havent seen you in a few days

Zander: come over tonight

Zander: work has been rough im sure it has been for you too

Zander: lets destress together;)

Aika sighed once more. "Como has estado?" She asked, thinking of what to reply to Zander. Her mom was the biggest sweetheart but being her mother she knew how to ruin her mood with a few words. Now being in a sour mood, she didn't want to see Zander but she couldn't deny she missed him and typed away she would be over in about half an hour.

"Yo he estado bien. Ya sabes que me la paso en la playa gozando de la vida." (I've been good. You know I pass my time at the beach enjoying life) Her mom said laughing at the end. "Ya es tiempo de una visita, ¿No crees? Recuerda que estoy sola." (It's time for a visit, don't you think? Remember I am alone) She asked and Aika held her phone in both hands, her gaze on the pot that had yet to come to a boil. She turned off the stove and walked over to her room.

"Haré arreglos para ir pronto, no te preocupes." (I shall make plans to go soon, don't you worry) She assured, going to her closet, slipping off her scrubs looking for some black leggings and a casual band tee.

"Eso espero. ¿Cuándo fue la última vez que visitaste España? Antes te encantaba venir." (I hope so. When was the last time you came to Spain? You used to love to visit) Her mom pestered and Aika bit her lip changing clothes quickly.

"Tengo unos años." (It's been some years) Aika muttered, recalling the last time she went to Spain where Zander first met her mom. It was a difficult time as she had no intention of marrying and having kids and here Zander was pursuing her trying to change that. He met her mother before they even began dating to show how serious he was about her and Aika let him in, her frozen heart thawing over the course of time. It's been nearly three years and she still hasn't fully let him in and she feared she never fully would and that it would drive him away eventually but he seemed content with just having her there. However, deep down she knew he would tire of just having her there with just sex and would want to settle down and want kids. Something Aika didn't want. Not now, not ever. Zander was patient thus far and although lately his work has been consuming him she put in the effort it took for both of them to be in a relationship because she did care for him despite not wanting the same things from the relationship.

Quickly ending the call, Aika looked for her trench coat as she noted it began to rain. Slipping it on, she gathered her things in her purse and made her way to Zander's penthouse suite that wasn't too far.

…

Slipping out of the car, her leather boots squaked on the pavement of the parking garage. She was tired but she couldn't deny she missed the warm embrace of Zander. She was human and it was normal to seek comfort in a warm embrace. Making her way to the elevator, she greeted one of the security guards with a gentle and kind smile.

"Ms. Alcaraz." The bald man greeted with a polite smile nodding in her direction.

"We talked about formalities, Gordon." Aika scolded playfully looking over at the bald man with a large belly that hung over his belt. She placed her hands into her trench coat pockets waiting for the elevator door to open.

"Aika…" He corrected, always feeling weird when Aika asked him to call her by her nickname.

"Thank you." She smiled lightly, entering the elevator to go up to the presidential suites.

She looked at her reflection on the mirrors of the elevator walls and made sure she looked okay despite just getting off work. She let out a small breath as the elevator doors opened once more, entering the presidential suites floor walking down the corridor to the room she was familiar with. Reaching the door she was looking for, she used the spare key she was given to unlock the door that was actually only ajar.

She frowned as she pushed the door open. Coming into view with the apartment she practically lived in for a short time, a memory coming into mind.

"Better than your apartment, huh?" Zander asked excited and amused at the presidential suite he was now able to afford. After becoming a successful CEO thanks to Aika who had knowledge in the business world, she had been a grand help to him knowing some ticks and tricks in business and he let her handle a lot of things to get him where his company was now.

"I'm crying tears of poverty." She said sarcastically looking at the large luxurious apartment unamused. She was never into living the grandiose luxurious life. She liked the simple things in life and kept herself a low profile since she loathed attention.

Aika walked into the suite that appeared to be empty and her brows came together as she slowly made her way in hearing a room occupied and her heart sank into the pit of her stomach hearing two people in the other room. She sighed, her mind clear knowing exactly what was going on. Her heart started to beat louder and harder into her chest as she slowly approached the master bedroom where the sounds of two people occupying the room became louder and louder.

Standing in front of the room where the sounds of moaning and panting filled her ears, she slowly placed her hand on the knob slowly turning it pushing the door open. She sucked in a breath holding it seeing Zander taking a blonde from behind and for some reason she couldn't stop watching them in a non creepy way. Her face went from anxious to serious to angry as she bit the inside of her cheek.

"TCH." She tched loudly, the people in the room turning back to see Aika standing at the door who was now laughing. She was going through a series of emotions and now she found this comical rather than heartbreaking.

"Aika." Zander panted, his face going pale as he froze. He knew Aika pretty well and her cold demeanor was evidently showing.

"Zander." Aika laughed. "I'll leave you two to finish. Cause this…" She motioned to herself and Zander. "is over." A cold smile played on her lips as she began walking away, her long trench coat flowing behind her. She didn't dare cry or look down, no. She walked out of that suite, her head held high confidently. This was not the worst thing that happened in her life and frankly the moment it all settled in her mind Zander was dead to her.

If there is no trust, there is no betrayal.

Those words rang in her ears as she entered the elevator, a smirk taunting the corners of her lips. She heard her name being called down the corridor seeing Zander running down the hall only wearing black slacks a white button up in his hands trying to get dressed to reach her and her smile grew wider seeing him. She waved at him gently as the elevator doors closed hearing him banging the doors on the other side.

She scoffed. "How pathetic." She laughed, reeling in what she had just witnessed. Of course, She thought to herself. Zander made it to the top because of her and now repays her like this? She couldn't help but laugh alone in the elevator shaking her head. She didn't know when she began to cope with humor but she's sure it was because of her father who held a strong and emotionless demeanor that he ended up shoving it down her throat growing up. She knew she was cold and stoic most of the time but it truly couldn't be helped.

If there is no trust, there is no betrayal, Aika.

Remember, every single scar in your heart is not from an enemy. That's why they say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

Her neck began to ache more as she rubbed it hearing the elevator ding meaning she had reached the ground floor of the parking garage. She smiled at Gordon with a simple nod reaching her car where she jumped in locking the doors and took a breather reeling in what she had just witnessed again. She heard her name being called out again looking in her rear view mirror to see Zander running to her car. She smiled again.

"Let me explain-" He yelled and Aika put the key in the ignition turning her car on to be able to roll the window down slightly.

"There is nothing to explain when your actions clearly speak louder than any words that you can tell me." She said calmly, looking at her hands on the steering wheel.

"Aika, please just let me explain-" He was frantic.

"I don't want to hear an explanation that will just be an excuse to try and justify your sick behavior." She said, turning her sharp gaze to his disheveled self. "I will let you get back to your business." She paused looking at her now white knuckles that were gripping her steering wheel.

"Aika please–" Zander begged.

"Stop pleading. You're only begging because you know what I account for in your company. Not because you really care about me." Her eyes were cold, her mouth in a straight line as she reversed her car driving off out of the parking garage not daring to look at him in her rear view mirror. She just drove forward, not looking back ignoring all feelings that wanted to surface.

Reaching back to her small apartment she immediately began to pack. She didn't dare to stay here where she knew Zander would come look for her giving her endless excuses. She packed everything important leaving all furniture behind throwing out the dinner she had started earlier. She packed all she could in two suitcases and her backpack where she had all her electronics. Her phone was blown up with notifications and she took a hold of the annoying thing blocking Zander off everything.

Before leaving, she searched for a hotel on her phone booking one close to the clinic she worked in. She slipped on her satchel over her shoulder before slipping on the backpack on her back. She grabbed both suitcases, rolling them out the apartment locking the door behind her hurriedly trying to get out of there before Zander would show up.

"I will be back." She mumbled to herself on her way out. She was not about to let Zander take control of her life in any way shape or form but for the time being she just didn't want to be found. She needed to be alone to process and reel.

Reaching down the parking garage of her apartment complex she placed everything in her car before driving towards the hotel she booked. She had a strange feeling in her chest and she knew everything was starting to settle into her mind. Reaching the hotel she took what she needed in and sighed getting ready for work the next day not trying to think nor worry about what had transpired tonight.

Getting into the shower, she stayed under the hot beaded water pellets much longer than she should have but she didn't care. She wished she could wash away her day but this would have to suffice. She got out after getting dizzy, patting herself dry looking at herself in the mirror. She let out a heavy breath as she leaned against the wall shaking her head holding the towel around her body. Her skin was pale, the bags under her eyes telling the tale of how hard she worked for herself and Zander's company. Only to end like this.

"Aika, your life is a fucking joke." She whispered gazing into her reflection, her mind blank. She liked to believe she was a good person but time and time again she was always given shit in this life by those who were supposed to be close to her. She lived life happily always expectant of bad things and maybe that's why most things unfazed her. She knew to never let her guard down no matter what. And she was tired. Tired of always having her guard so strongly held up to keep herself safe but she didn't have a choice.

"Disappointments only happen when there are expectations, Aika." She told herself, her body slightly trembling. Zander was a piece of shit and she knew that from the start but gave him a chance anyways because it had been so long since someone offered any kind of loving warmth and comfort. She settled and that was her fault.

Getting dressed in some warm pajamas she felt her stomach grumble and knew she had to eat something. She remembered the hotel was having an evening buffet and she bit her lip slipping on a bra to go down to eat something. She didn't want to bother room service and keep herself cooped up in her room so she went down.

Taking a seat on a stool by the bar area she looked around the nice hotel finally taking in the beautiful chandeliers and decor of the hotel she didn't admire on her way in. Golden accents with white lighting really brought the hotel to life. She looked at the time on her phone to see evening rolling in and she yawned loudly. Embarrassed, she laughed at herself looking around to see if anyone noticed and that's when she noted the empty room. It was a decent hotel and there was no reason for such a hotel to be lacking in people or personnel. Debating whether she should get a drink first or eat something from the buffet, the bartender over the counter approached her with a drink in hand. She looked at him warily with hooded eyes.

"Drink is from the man on the other side of the bar." She scoffed and pushed the drink back towards the bartender, not even daring to look at the man on the other side of the bar. She was not curious in the slightest.

"Please return to sender." She demanded with a small smile on her lips. The last thing she needed at the moment was another man trying to come into her life. She always told herself she would never marry nor have kids and right now after today– she was indulging in the company of her solitude more than ever.

The bartender nodded, taking the drink away as she rubbed her aching neck, closing her eyes. She really wasted three years of her life with someone who tossed her aside after she made him rich. She sighed, feeling a presence sitting beside her. She opened her eyes giving the person the side eye look, bothered by their presence. All these empty seats and you sit besides me who is in the corner, she thought.

"It's rare for someone to deny a drink from me." The man's voice was deep with a domineering tone and Aika's lips slightly parted at the sound of his voice. His voice was deep with a slight rasp but she simply looked over at the familiar looking man with a drink in hand.

"It's rare for me to accept drinks from strangers." She retaliated, taking in the man's handsome features. He looked familiar but Aika couldn't put her finger on it as her mind was still muddled by today's events.

"I don't think I'm much of a stranger, Aikaterina." The man spoke and Aika kept trying to put her finger on who this man was. She looked over at him shamelessly taking in his features trying to figure out where she knew this man was from. He wore black slacks with black leather dress shoes that probably cost more than her rent. His black button up was adorned with a black blazer over it, his chest peeking out the top. She took in his sharp facial features, her eyes squinting over his sharp jawline bedecked with dark stubble, his piercing dark obsidian eyes complimented the thick dark eyebrows that were curtained by dark brown hair. Her head tilted, getting a better look at his perfect cheekbones and that's where she couldn't miss. Those cheekbones were all any girl could talk about with this rich man before her.

"Mr. Arison." She murmured. "Didn't think I would see another businessman today." She sighed looking over at the bottled drinks over the counter. Maybe she did need one after all, she thought.

"Call me Ezekiel." He said flatly, leaning his arm on the flat surface resting his face on his fist. Aika looked over at him and scoffed. She was acquainted with Ezekiel for some time now considering that he was the man that helped Zander get into the business world. They had shook hands on multiple occasions and noticed he was a neat freak after he would wipe his hands clean after shaking hands with other business men.

"I'll stick to Mr. Arison, thank you." She said turning around on the stool. "Now if you excuse me, I'll be heading back into my room." She slid off the tall stool feeling his gaze follow her every move. She reached over to grasp her phone on the counter thinking about how if she knew she would have bumped into this man, she would have ordered room service instead.

"Why are you here?" He asked her and she stopped dead in her tracks looking back at him by turning her head.

"For a personal business matter that does not pertain to you. Now if you excuse me–"

"Zander cheated." He commented while taking a swig of his drink looking down into his glass. Now, Aika was not stupid and she quickly made her good assumptions. Him and Zander are acquainted in the business world. Maybe he had already known about Zander's infidelity and wanted Aika right where she was… No way Zander would ask her to come over when he had another broad over.

"How did you know that?" She asked her tone changing, her mind telling her to let her shoulders relax. She didn't even know since when they have been so tense.

"How can you deny me a drink and expect me to talk?" He asked with a cold look. "Take a seat and have a drink with me."

"I don't have a reason to drink with my exes business rival." Aika muttered her gaze on the ground, her back still facing him. Ezekiel was acquainted with Zander and he probably knew from the very beginning where it all began.

"Didn't know you needed a reason other than being cheated on to have a drink." Ezekiel swirled the drink in his hand taking a peek at her through his long lashes.

"I got cheated on but he isn't worth having a drink for." She spoke calmly and reasonably and Ezekiel kept his gaze at the drink in his hand making it dance around the glass.

"Don't you want to know how long it's been going on?" Ezekiel prompted, finishing his drink, his eyes darting back to the small girl before him letting the strong liquor wallow down. She scoffed, turning her body to face him.

"I could honestly care less about what I didn't know then, because I know now." Aika was a stubborn hard headed woman. The last thing she needed to do is be upset over this whole ordeal. She didn't believe in closure for herself because she truly never took anything to heart and knew some things were better left to be unknown in the end but once you knew– what of it. The truth was known and she wasn't going to let something that would be irrelevant in five years bother her for more than five minutes.

She turned on her heel and began walking away again, but Ezekiel followed slamming the empty glass on the marble surface and stood in front of her where she stopped before him.

This is where Aika really took in this man. This man was fucking massive. She reached his chest at eye level as she slowly looked up at his large built frame towering over her small frame. Despite not being the first time they meet she's never bothered about a man's physique but this one suddenly took her by surprise. His shoulders were almost the size of her head.

He slipped his hand into his suit jacket slipping out his business card for her to have. "Incase you'd like to work together to avenge yourself." He held no expression on his face as he held the card between his fingers out towards her. His hands were massive in her face and she could only mentally tell herself he had nice hands for a man.

"Avenge myself?" She asked with a small laugh. "More like work for you to get your company to where Zander's is. I don't plan to slave myself for vengeance on someone who will simply fall without me. I don't need you." Ezekiel stared into her eyes trying to pry at her but she was not easy to read. Aika was the type of girl who wore her emotions well written on her face but when she was serious it was hard to know what went on in her head. This made his target difficult but made him interested in her abilities. She spoke eloquently but also snappy. She definitely had a character to her.

"I'm sure I can be of some assistance." He pressed his card now against her chest and she took it from his large fingertips, ripping it right in front of him letting the two split halves drop to the ground as she fled from his presence. He watched her figure go around the tables as she didn't look back and he kept the frown he had on his face the whole time.

"No one has ever denied a drink from me, Benson." He spoke, watching as her small figure disappeared. A man from the shadows appeared, a dark neat suit adoring his slim figure. Benson pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, his graying hair and crinkled eyes telling a tale of his loyalty and hardships with Ezekiel. He wasn't old, no, but he was less than middle aged devoting his entire life to Ezekiel.

"What shall we do, sir?" Benson asked with an evident accent in his voice as he spoke.

"For now, we play her game." Ezekiel spoke with a low raspy tone as he stepped out of the hotel to smoke a cigar.

***

So uh, if y'all saw my outline for this novel you would question what goes on my head. <.< I would love if you gave this novel a chance and followed me on this journey since there is much to come with this novel! Please bare with me as this novel starts off slow but trust me, I want you to know my characters are all very complex and want you to know them and watch them be happy before the storms. :3