okay. if you were here last time, you'd know that I'm literally in Caleb's lap. his hand in on my ass and I'm kissing him and fuck me, but it feels so fucking good. this should be weird, odd, gross, repulsive, in..dublius and don't argue with me that's a real word.
I'm knocked out of my delirious rambling when he slides his hand up my shirt and feels my stomach. his tongue pushes into my mouth and entangles mine and I lose it.
I grab the hem of his shirt and pull it over his head, I pull my lips away for just a second while I take the shirt away, then my lips cone crashing right back onto his.
I'm kissing him and I'm sliding my hands up his arms and up his shoulders and down his smooth chest and his hands are sliding into my pants. it's then I realize what I'm doing "stop" I mutter. don't stop!!. don't fucking stop, I don't want you to stop, keep kissing me, keep touching me. "Caleb stop!" I say and pull away. he's panting and I'm panting and I think my eyes are watering.
"I'm sorry, please don't cry" he muttered and then I realize I'm actually crying. "I swear I really thought you'd be into this"
"no, I'm not into this... I don't know... I know.... " I feel the first warm stream of tears run down my cheek. I hate it, it feels like I'm lying, am I lying?
"I'm so sorry, I thought you were bi or something" he runs his hand up and down my back as I'm sitting on his lap, soothing me. "I'm bisexual, is that okay with you"
"of course it is. but please don't kiss me again, I'm not gay" as I say this I'm staring at his lips
"fine. I won't, ever, even when it's your turn to spend time with me, I swear I won't kiss you" he promises and I sigh. I want him to kiss me, I really do. I get off his lap and sit on the bed instead
"I'm sorry for snapping at you, I just freaked out. it wasn't your fault" it's all mine and I like you and you make me feel good.
we spend the rest of the night being awkward around each other but after we had the lasagna in the freezer and talked over dinner, things kinda went back to normal. I let a few minutes after Louis got back, Louis is Cal's papi's name. I promised not to talk about his parents or his sexuality at school before I left.
right now, I just got home and you know what I'm going to do? you guessed correctly, I am going to cry myself to sleep because I kissed Caleb Keller and I liked it.
I woke up at two in the morning and saw a message on my phone.
"please talk to me😢" it's from Amber. it's not the first text, it's like the fiftieth.
"what?"
"OMG thank you, you haven't replied to any of my text since the party"
"yeah, cause I'm mad"
"u still mad?" I consider.
"yea, a lil"
"ok, how about I take u out 4 breakfast?😢😚"
"waffles and ice cream?"
"what ever you want"
"yay, you'll be forgiven after breakfast"
then my phone ring and I stare at the screen. it's her.
"hey" I say as I answer.
"what's wrong?" she says immediately.
"nothing" she growls on the other end. I sigh. "I'm playing solar system, I'm not quitting" she gasps on the other end of the phone.
"what the fuck bitch?!!, I put it in as a joke, a fucking joke. I can't let you do this, if it's because you're scared to take the punishment for quitting, I swear I'll take it for you" she say solemnly.
"wait, you'd take it for me" I say softly.
"yeah, I'd do anything for you, you're my best friend" she whispers and for the fourth time this week, I choke up and I know I'm about to cry. "I love you"
"I love you too" I mutter and a tear slips. "you know, I just finished crying and now you're making cry again"
"you were crying, why?" she asks and before I could stop myself, I speak.
"it's all Caleb's fault, he couldn't keep his dumb lips to himself and now, I'm brok-" I stop abruptly.
"Binky, no?!" she gasps. she calls me binky too, she grew up with me. "Binky, you didn't, tell me you didn't kiss Caleb Keller"
"I didn't?" I say.
"you did, didn't you?" she sighs like she's tired of me and I idiotically rush to defend myself with the first thing that comes to mind.
"well, it wasn't my fault,. it's him and his slutty bi self" I mutter into the phone.
"did you just say bi? as in Caleb is bisexual?" she asks.
"shit, I wasn't supposed to tell anyone that" i mutter.
"you keep, shocking and shocking me. Vee, what did you do?" she says.
"nothing, I stopped him, I'm not gay, I'm not like that" I tell her quickly.
"did you like it, the kiss?" I couldn't lie to her, I love her.
"yes" I say and I start choking up again. I just might be gay.
"before you start thinking you are gay, you're probably not, they are literally 58 different sexualities, you could be any of them, even if you're not straight, I still love you, you know that right?" I nod like you she can see me. "what if I told you I wasn't entirely straight?" and I nearly swallow my tongue.
"whuh?"
"what if I told you I was a lesbian?" she says. I can hear her hold her breath through the phone and then I know what I have to say.
"I love you so damn much, Amber." she lets out that breath she holding and it comes out as a shaky sob. and then she's crying and as my sad self will have it, I'm crying again. why can't I stop fucking crying!!!!!.
"you're the first I've come out to" she whispers. "I'm scared my mom won't understand and that she'll think it's wrong and that I'm wrong"
"she wouldn't dare, she knows what my mom will do" we both burst out laughing as we imagine what scary thing my mother wouldn't do.
we're quiet for at least three minutes, just breathing and listening to the other breath and then "when you figure it out,when you figure out this part of you, I want to know, even if I'm not the first. love you, binky" she hangs up, leaving me there crying and confused.
"yeah, love you too" I say to no one
I close my eyes and remember what Cal's lip did to mine and how it made me feel. I imagine those lips kissing down my body, I image those lips going way down south and I slid my hands into my boxer.
I wrap my fingers tight around my cock, pumping up and down, in my head I can see Cal lips stretched around my cock going up and down and I groan, closing my eyes and pumping my hand in rhythm with the Cal in my head.
"Cal... " I moan quietly as I came, breathing softly and hoping I don't die
I'm staring at my jizz on my fingers and I'm thinking, I want Caleb Keller to suck my cock and I think I want to suck his too.
wow. I am definitely not straight.