The weight of my thoughts had been carried throughout the night and into the morning. I had no energy and power left within me to move out of the bed. Weirdly enough, my eye spent that morning in tears over those thoughts. No matter how hard I tried to run away from Elizabeth, her presence had always left an impact upon my mind. If only I were able to see her now, I would most likely be on my knees, begging her to relinquish me of this curse.
Fortunately for me, there was a way where I could most likely break free from this mental prison the same way I deal with my responsibilities and problems. I would run away from it all just like I previously did when I was a few years younger. My first book was finally published and I was given a fair sum for me to run away from my family.
I left my family home without saying a word and moved to the outer edges of Greenberg where I was able to continue my other works. It may seem cowardly to any normal person, but I couldn't help myself for I was afraid. I was terrified at the thought of criticism, responsibilities, duty, family honor, and maybe even taxes like any other human would be. All I ever did in my past was think for myself and myself only.
Now, my family is nowhere to be found. My own childish escape had caused my family to search for me even if it meant journeying to the dark corners of the world. For the rest of my days, I felt the complete silence of my loneliness even if Richard and Elizabeth stood by my side during those times. Look at what I have done to them now. Richard is dead, and Elizabeth might have already forgotten about the horrible me. Truly, I am a despicable creature that one would not even call a human being.
As I continued to attack myself with my own thinking, a loud knock was heard from my door. I slowly walked towards the door, wrapped in my blanket, and opened the door to see that Arnold had come by to my place.
"Oh goodness, Alastair!" He exclaimed, "you look as deathly as a ghost! Is there anything that you need from me?" I could already see the pity coming from his eyes, but as his acquaintance, I allowed him to enter.
"What is it that brings you here to me?" I asked in a tired and depressed voice.
"Your friend, Elizabeth, asked me to come here and know of your current state. It seemed to me that something has occurred between the two of you, could I be of any help?" He spoke of Elizabeth and I thought it was too kind of him to be offering his help.
"I'm fine, and by the way, where is she right now?" I asked out of my curiosity just in case I would ever want to see her again.
"She was just in the town square a while ago, but once she instructed me to write her a letter concerning you, she left immediately on horseback." Arnold responded and to my disappointment, Elizabeth was already far away from me.
"What were her eyes like?" I asked him a peculiar question, "What shined in her eyes when she asked you to come to me?"
"Well, I don't know how to respond properly to that question but I might as well say that she held a distraught face." Arnold answered truthfully yet I already regret asking him.
"I see" It took me a moment to think of words to speak, "I hope you write to her that I am well when you return." I tried to brush it off as calmly as I could in order to sheathe the tears that were about to come out of my face.
"Of course, Alastair, but might I ask, are you sure you wouldn't like to share with me what has happened between the two of you?" Arnold continued to ask.
"It's because I feel as if I had done something very terrible to her, Arnold. At first, I thought it would have been the right thing to leave her but now I am in utter regret for what I've done. I ask of you, friend, was it wrong to think for myself?" I sat down in the lounge and gave my complaints to Arnold.
"It is not my place nor purpose to tell you what is good or evil but I can assure you that it is very common amongst people to think for themselves. Even I, myself, thought to save my own self from time to time." Arnold laid his hand on my knee to lend his comfort as a friend.
"Then might I ask, have you ever known this feeling whereas you might think you are a terrible person for preserving your being?" Even though he was being so kind to me, I selfishly asked if he was truly sympathetic to me.
"I have, actually. A few years ago right here in Greenberg, I witnessed a couple of foreigners being dragged out to the river just beyond the border and noticed that a group of bandits had exploited them for their wealth." His explanation of events provided a weird eerie feeling to me. It was as if I was being confronted by a ghost of the past. "I couldn't do anything during that moment. I just stood there, dazed and frozen in my own fear, as if the notion of helping two people would somehow lead me to my own death. The couple soon died from the constant beating and all of their belongings were robbed. Instead of tending to the bodies while the bandits were away, I ran as fast as I could from the scene." His face appeared to be sullen for a moment but as he lifted his eyes to meet with mine, his joyful attitude seemingly returned easily.
"How long have you carried this burden?" I asked.
"At first, I thought I was going to have to carry this memory with me to the grave and that I was going to be punished for all eternity for my crimes. However, there was this one particular day where it all washed away for some reason."
"When is this day you speak of?"
"It was during the time you brought that wonderful girl of yours, Elizabeth, to the café I was dining at. She dressed just like the woman I saw get beaten up alongside her husband. It was her radiant smile that reminded me that I must not let my forlornness get the better of me and that in order to repay my debt of one terrible inability, I must repay it a hundredfold to the best of my abilities and to lend my hand in every moment that I can offer my help." Arnold spoke of Elizabeth like the angel she truly is. Oh, how happy it must be, to know your purpose even after times of adversity.
"Is that what I must do then? Must I wait for another radiant smile to save me?" Somehow, my anger had gotten the better of me for Arnold's response did not provide me with a coherent answer.
"No, Alastair. If anything, I want you to learn to forgive yourself in order to muster up the courage to live on." Arnold stood up and held my shoulders, "There is a difference between what I experienced and what you are going through now; that being, Elizabeth is still alive and well and you still have the opportunity to mend the broken ribbon between the two of you." He looked deep into my teary eye as he said those words.
"How can I? I've decided to leave her even though she never wanted me to, but if I had stayed with her, who knows of how ugly our relationship could have bloomed if I were to act more of an obedient servant to her. Then again, I still want to stay by her side and guide her love as I want her to guide mine." I cried and gave as much reason as I can to give justification for our separation.
"Then you already have all the more reason to find her, Alastair. If you truly think that it might be best for the two of you to walk lonely paths, then confront her and tell her about it. It doesn't matter what her response is, what matters is whether you speak with your heart or not. If you still want to remain separate or come together, the outcome will ultimately rest if you speak to her or not." His words gave me a small spark of hope.
He let my shoulders go and prepared himself to leave for he could not bear to see me cry further on. I opened the door for him as he left and I was finally left alone again with my thoughts to torture me.
Maybe Arnold was right, I should go and find Elizabeth so that we may finally come to a conclusion together. But, if there is the slightest chance that our connection will take a turn for the worse, then there would be no point at all in seeing her anyways because I would rather stay here than to actually know how badly our relationship could dissolve.
Both ideas were good options but I could only carry out one of them. My mind consistently battled within itself to determine my next course of action and caused an unbearable pain within me. The sensation of it all was as if I was going insane. All of this turbulent thinking has walked me down the path of madness.
I opened the door thinking that a change in the environment might help me with the way I think. I looked towards my small garden to calm me down but all of my flowers had died because of my month-long stay in Ville de l'envie. Thankfully, the rushing sounds of water that came from the river had calmed my thinking. I came closer to the waters as my thoughts continued to become more silent.
Oh, how peaceful it would be, to be just a drop of water gently swimming through the stream. My feet slowly entered the cold and calming river to stay there for as much time as my mind needed to ponder what I must do. As much as Arnold's suggestion urged me to see Elizabeth, my fear had fully taken over me and it was then that I had decided that not only will I continue to run away from Elizabeth, but I will also run away from everything.
I had decided to run away from life itself.
Upon my knees, I placed my hands into the dirt underwater and began making a small ditch under the stream. Once the size grew to a considerable scale, I immediately plunged my head into the ditch I made. Drowning all of my sorrows including myself, I tightened my grip to keep myself in this position. It was all a matter of the mind against the body as I tried my very best to resist my body's calling to stay alive.
It took only a matter of seconds until I found out that I was still alive. A subconscious instinct within me preserved my being despite my strongest efforts to die. I cursed my own body for saving me and thought to myself that I must be a coward to both life and death.
After such a pitiful attempt, I walked in shame towards my house but an item from the garden had caught my eye. It was a long piece of rope that Elizabeth left by accident one time when she came to visit on horseback. Feeling the texture of the rope, there was no nostalgic feeling of Elizabeth whatsoever, but seeing it did irk me with a faint memory of her.
Once I entered my home again with the rope, I began tying it into a noose of sorts. Since I was no knot expert, it took me quite a while to finish the whole product. The noose itself was finally completed after a plentiful amount of attempts and all that was needed now was to properly set up how I'm going to die from this. I grabbed a few books and a chair from the lounge to aid me in tying the noose on the ceiling. The noose was properly tightened upon a horizontal beam that laid between the ceiling and the floor then I proceeded to put my head through the noose.
Looking through the noose was like looking through a magnifying lens that studied my whole life. I thought of my past, present, and future through this one moment knowing that I have two irreversible choices presented to me. With only one small moment of hesitation, I finally put my head through the noose and knocked over the tower of books my feet were stepping upon.
The pain was unbearable yet I thought it to be justified and the struggle between my body and mind continued once again as my feet violently flailed around to make some sort of attempt to save me. My breath and vision both soon started to fail but just as I was going to be delivered into the afterlife, the old beam snapped and my body fell on the ground. My head collided with the ground first and the wooden beam fell upon my leg.
I checked the back of my head if it had cracked and if there was a leakage of blood coming out of it. Fortunately for my skull, it remained uncracked yet my right leg became stuck and useless under the wooden beam. I sat upright and attempted to move the beam off of my leg but the crushing weight of it made it seem to be a formidable force.
There was little feeling in my right leg and it was not disfigured to the point where I would have to amputate it. I laid down again and looked to the ceiling then the outside world through the window one more time. Sudden laughter burst out of me and it was all because my desire to die quickly had left me here motionless and helpless to live any longer. However, that same laughter turned into tears as I grew to hate myself more. I wanted to die, yet in the end, I live and if I wanted to live on further, I am told by fate to die.
This world was all too cruel to everyone who lives on it especially with the creation of morality and principles. If I want to live the way I want to, then let my life be so, and if I want to die the way I want to, then let my death be so. I only wish that my life was unbothered by the ones who put this compass inside of me.
I've grown weary and tired from this world, perhaps it is best that I let myself sleep again and hope that I may pass within my slumber.