Every morning when I wake up, my chest feels empty, like a vacuum is sucking me. As if my body is paralyzed and my brain tells me how much more? If the heart was available in the market, I would replace mine. Only I know how much I dislike myself.
My father, who taught me to dream as a child, is now crushing it himself. Can you become a parent only by giving birth? Never! At least I understood this much in my life. I have to take responsibility for his mistakes and forget all my own wishes?
From my childhood, I had only one desire and that is to study a lot and become something good and take responsibility for my family. But I am stuck in the water due to lack of money. If my father didn't have the ability, I would've understand. But he is sacrificing our desires to satisfy his own interests. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about killing myself. Can you really find peace when you die?
My mother called me after breaking through the realms of my thoughts.
"You can only sleep all day! What do you do in life? Mother said angrily.
I don't like hearing the same thing every day. I was not given the opportunity to pass high school. Just because I have more brothers and sisters doesn't mean I have to give up everything because of my father is a victim of bankruptcy. Moreover it was his foolishness. He is fulfilling his needs effortlessly. His debt list is now like a mountain and he is the least bothered. No one can say anything for fear of his anger. I don't owe anyone anything. Sometimes I vent out my anger on him, sometimes I stay quiet and sometimes I answer with a powerful voice. I can't escape from the night that brings my distress to the worst level. why do I have to endure this? Why do I have to be the one among millions of people. I wish things were different. I am not willing to take responsibility of the family now which undeniably makes his behavior bitter towards me. Let me be reckless and brazen if that helps me calm down. No one tolerates my words. I don't get job because I don't have qualifications. I don't have degrees. I can't start a business because I don't have a single penny. Private tutoring of children does not make much money. I can't accomplish anything on my own. What is the meaning of my life?
What is the need of a friend when I am accompanied by my thoughts? I walk into the maze of my misery to find a way where things won't be the same.