[chapter 6. Pain, Self-Pity and Everything]
The lingering effects of flashbacks are grueling and confusing. Your inner world is in disarray. You have no idea who you are. You've lost track of time and are feeling disoriented. The past and present merge. It floods your system with adrenaline and cortisol while indoctrinating feelings of shame and guilt.
Have you ever dealt with demons all on your own? Yes, that secret inner devils-crying, mourning, screeching in the dark emptiness of a vacant house, burrowing your head in your knees, curling up in bed, howling until you fall asleep?
Selena awoke suddenly, gasping for air. Her entire body was still quaking. It marred her skin with goosebumps, and her hand quivered as she clutched her heart to slow her heartbeat. She was petrified.
She had to reassure herself yet again that she should not be afraid. Fear does not prevent death; instead, it ends life.
As she hugged her knees, she could not help but cry again. Tears flowed as if her accumulated ocean of brine was finally draining as if the soul could bleed through the eyes like a sea. That was the enormity of her sobbing.
A cry from the heart and soul extends across the foundations of who you are, searching for a solid foundation built on love and nurture. Then, as we heal, that instinct, that sense of needing wholeness, guides us away from what hurts and toward what heals. Pain is a part of the process of attempting to learn how to recover, so listening to what it has to say is crucial.
Selena couldn't stop remembering her childhood. How she never had one.
Damaged was the skin, but the damage to the brain takes much longer to heal. Those who have lost compassion, understanding, happy memories, and a positive sense of self need rewiring.
The patient must layer off neurons daily. The healing of years involves the damage of moments. Being beaten up is being beaten down.
She couldn't help but pity herself.
Suffering from self-pity is transcendental suicide. It is an indefensible self-mutilation of the soul; Selena despised it but couldn't help but admit it.
Tune in to the quietness of the night and feel the starlight that illuminates such a velvet sky during this bout of insomnia. There is an entire world beyond this chamber of worry, and with that awareness, she can find her stillness, a reason to put these worries in perspective, to adapt and overcome them.
Her purpose is grander than these minor quibbles.
"You know you can show your presence," she sniffled, wiping away her tears. Before she could say anything, she was enveloped in a warm bear hug. Her body froze, a gasp escaping from her lips as she melted into the comfort.
"You stupid Tsuki," he said as he patted the back of her head and watched her breath resume its normal rhythm. Selena bit her inner cheeks, her eyes painfully shut, and horrifying memories flashed before her eyes. A whimper pierced her throat, stabbing his heart. (Tsuki - moon)
"It's all right," he said. "It's okay to feel the pain," he said as his finger made circles on her fragile back. Did she lose weight? Worry bubbled inside him.
The pain takes over a part of her consciousness as if dealing with it is depleting enough without the added effort of new thoughts. It takes away the aspect of her that she most wants to share with others, her light, her laughter, and her generous heart. It's the kind of pain that feels like they are holding an invisible flame against her skin. Isn't that how the emotions of loss are? Death, abandonment, or betrayal are all paths that lead here.
His fist clenched. Hayate despised himself for failing to do enough to protect her. Those animals had vanished from her life, but not from her memory. It was unfair. It was unfair that she had to go through all that and still sleep in misery every night.
Selena slowly unclenched his fist, a sigh fleeing her, watching the crescent that formed on his palm.
When her warm tear slipped onto his cold palm, he flinched as if molten lava had touched his skin.
"You can't change my past or what happened to me. You all know exactly who I blame for it," she looked down. "It is never you, Hayate," she said. "Never will," her words soothed his nerves.
She could never hold him responsible for what had happened to her.
Experiments they performed on her.
He was the perfect friend, or rather, he wanted to be. Maybe she only saw what she wanted to see, imagined in him what she wished for, what she needed so very much. Selena guessed that his choice wasn't easy.
The ones who wanted her gone held too many cards, ones he could never sacrifice. And so they looked at one another over the invisible barricade, hearts breaking. It was that phrase that came to mind about "water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink," When did the ocean of humanity become so salty?
"Hug me tighter," she commented; her words left the boy dumbfounded. Selena accepted his touch but never said a word of initiation. Tiny steps, that is what they were taking. "Don't get used to it," she deadpanned but buried her face in his chest.
After he had recovered from the shock, he hugged her once more.
"Here," he said, breaking the hug and setting a black duffle bag on the bed. Selena's face lit up like a child offered candy. She carefully opened the zip.
"Crazy," he muttered, watching her open the bag like a child opening Christmas presents. A squeal of delight left her lips.
It held her favorite twin carbon steel karambit, daggers, knives, tactical ensembles, tranquilizers, first aid kits, and medications. Her finger traced the curve of her favorite blade, named strawberry, which also had a pink strawberry design embedded in the handle.
It was her favorite fruit, and she was obsessed with it. She could devour strawberries in any shape or form.
"Thank you," she said, hugging the knife close to her chest.
She placed the knife under her washbasin and a couple of daggers in the closet. Each hidden away from prying eyes.
The tranquilizers were hidden beneath her tampon box, her medications were kept in the underwear drawer so that no noisy male member of the house could touch them, and her mother was too good to be this nosy.
She divided a few more of her gears around the room.
However, her strawberry ended up under her pillow. It provided her with solace. Hayate took a step back, nervously when she pointed the blade at him. "Only you can name something lethal as a strawberry."
"Don't comment on my strawberry," she hissed. The moonlight illuminated Hayate's neck, reflected in the blade, and he gulped. He retreated and raised his hands in surrender.
"Girls are supposed to sleep with teddy bears, not a fucking knife," he said as he took a step back.
"Yeah, but this girl never had the opportunity to play with teddy bears when she was handed a gun at the age of ten," she sneered.
Her words caught them both off guard. They were in awkward silence because they didn't want to talk about it. His heart lurched as he noticed her face turning pale and her eyes muddled; he knew she was going back into a mental recoil.
"What happens when your family discovers who you are?" he wondered aloud. His words diverted her attention. Selena regained her balance. "Let's hope that never happens," she said.
She couldn't help but feel a pang of hurt in her heart as she realized they were children who needed to mature.
She was well acquainted with this emotion; she felt all emotions. She felt everything until one day she abruptly turned off her feelings. Her left hand was coiled around her stomach as she looked at her left sleeve.
"Those scars enhanced your beauty. Chaos can only be understood when loved by the wild, not the weak, Selena Knight. "Don't ever doubt yourself," he said sternly, reminding her not to undervalue herself.
For some reason, he had always respected Selena. She made him think about something.
Water.
Selena is like water to him. Strong enough to drown you, gentle enough to cleanse you, and deep enough to save you.
He liked how wild she was. She was untamed. She will come like a storm to wash away your fears. Then, you'll wonder why you despised rain when she's gone.
Today, her insecurities were getting the best of her. She wondered if her period was approaching. Hmm, it's a possibility, she reasoned.
Sleeping was a luxury Selena couldn't afford. It was a place where she was powerless over her monsters. And she hated being powerless.
Selena smacked him.
"What was the point of that?" Hayate looked her in the eyes. Stinging pain in the back of his head, but he was too proud to show it. "I just felt like it," she shrugged as she lay down on her bed.
"Now leave," Selena said as she pushed him away. Hayate looked at her hurt. The girl used him and then threw him away. His eyes narrowed with accusation.
"Patrolling changes in three minutes. You will have a higher chance of leaving unscathed," she explained, watching a smile stretch on his thin lips. Accusation softened into joy.
"Can I ask you a question before I leave?" he inquired.
"You already did," she pointed out.
Hayate scoffed.
"No, but on a serious note, I would like to ask a question," he stated wholeheartedly.
"Ask away," she grumbled, knowing the eager male would not stop until she answered back.
"What do you want out of life? We have fled from them. We are no longer bound to complete tasks or allow others to dictate our lives. What do you want right now?" His words were careful. He did not wish to trigger an already disturbed girl.
Ominous thoughts of what the girl in front of him could do clouded his mind. But he had not even envisioned what she was going to say. What she answered terrified him into the seventh circle of hell.
Selena grinned.
A grin capable of raising hell and causing heaven to fall.
"Everything."
~~~~
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