[ Monday, November 14 ]
I pulled my traveling bag and brought it downstairs, my dad helping me as I put it up in the car. The bag was pretty big and heavy, so I supported the bag as he carried its weight when putting it into the car's trunk. Up to this day, I still can't believe that the Monteverdes would sponsor my operation to remove my tumor. That doesn't end there, because they'll also sponsor my parents and let them bring Amethyst with us in the United States. Sometimes, I feel so blessed having them, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder how I can repay their kindness at the very least.
They have everything. It's hard to give someone who already has everything. No gift that I can give would be enough – it's either they already have it or they don't need it. I don't really want to owe or be in debt with someone, but they're the ones who support. Perhaps, this is what happens when someone becomes a channel of blessing – that God blesses them to bless others also.
"Ready?" Amethyst asked, with a hint of excitement communicated with her words as she smiles. I've always loved seeing her smiling like that. I can only tell that her heart is filled with joy whenever she smiles like that.
"Of course, but at the same time, I'm a bit nervous." Who would not be? They'll probably tear open the skin that covers the skull base to remove the tumor. The last time we were talking to the doctor, I was zoning out – physically present, but mentally absent. I can't stop my mind from thinking instead of listening, because I'm trying to imagine how things will be like when it's treated. Amethyst knows more about the treatment process. As far as I can remember, it involves
surgery, radiation or proton beam therapy, radiosurgery and some other treatments like chemotherapy.
Thinking about all of the things alone gives me the stress. But it's the reality. Up to this day, it's still a question for me – What did I ever do to deserve all these things? Although I keep on telling myself that instead of entertaining all these negative thoughts, I should be thankful that there's a family that'll support me in all the treatments that I needed.
My mother's lips lifted to a sad smile. It must've been hard for her to hear that his son has cancer, and surely dad feels the same. As someone who's too close to my parents, they surely feel what I feel. But anyway, if there's anything I should be thankful of, it's the people who support us financially and my family who's there to ensure that I can survive this because I'm not alone.
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[ Friday, November 25 ]
The day of my surgery came. According to the doctors who diagnosed me, the kind of surgery that I'll be needing is Curettage, where they'll use a spoon-shaped tool with a sharp edge to scrape the tumor out of the bone. After the Curettage is the bone cement, which is a type of chemical to fix the hole left in the bone. It is something that heats up as it hardens, and this type of chemical will kill the remaining cancer cells.
I looked at Amethyst before entering the operation room. Her hands are folded together on her chest as if to pray, and worry is reflected in her eyes.
Without another word, she ran towards me and secured me in her arms – her embrace was tight enough to break my bones. However, even if it hurts me, I decided not to comment about it and let her do what she wants. After all, doing that will make her feel a little relieved and that's what I want her to feel.
"I want you to promise me one thing," Amethyst whispered to my ear, her voice slightly stuttering.
"What is it?" I asked as I patted her back to comfort her. She pulled away to face me, our faces only around three inches apart. "Promise me that you're going to live for more than 10 years after all the treatments that we'll do to you. We're going to fulfill all our dreams together."
I smiled and moved my face away, unsure of what to answer. My life is not my own. It's something I cannot tell. What if I won't make it that long? I'm not being pessimistic, but being realistic. Whatever the case, the best way to put it is, I should simply have faith.
I inhaled sharply as I cupped her cheek, giving her a reassuring smile. I could feel her body heat through my palm and that warmed my heart. I want to believe that I'm going to spend many years seeing this face, going through life with her beside me. If that'll only be a dream – us being together for more than 10 years – it's …
"I'm not the author of my life, because my life is God's novel. As a character, I do not know what's going to happen. However, I fully entrust everything to Him, because He sure does have a perfect ending. He knows better than me."
Amethyst squeezed her eyes shut and held the hand that cups her cheek. "I hope it's going to be a long novel, then."
"I hope so. But if there's anything that I can promise you today," Amethyst opened her eyes our eyes met. "It's the fact that I'm going to make the most out of this life. I want to spend this life with you and be a channel of blessing for others who need hope. I have faith that I can achieve all that as long as I'll believe in what God can do. Miracles, after all, happens every day."
"I admire your faith," Amethyst commented. "I'll look forward to it. As well as your poems and songs … I want to hear the songs that you composed again."
"And I will compose more soon. You haven't heard the ones that I composed when you were away, though."
"You have composed songs when I was gone?"
"Don't make me repeat it twice. But yes, I have. You'll hear it soon." With that last word, Amethyst turned her back and went out of the room.