"Nathan, why do you love me?"
Despite asking this question each time we had our little competition, I still repeated it over and over again.
"I don't know"
His answer was always the same.
And each time that I heard his answer, my hand would shake as I held my glass of wine. Each time, I would look down in a sudden wave of dejection.
"But I know that I love you"
And each time that Nathan would give his first answer, he would quickly back it up with another one.
"Why?"
"I told you that I don't know. I'm not even sure when my love started. You saved me from the depths of hell.
When I was dying and weak, you took me in and made me stronger. You raised me. Taming and training the demons within me. Maybe that's why I love you.
But then again, I'm sure there's something else to it"
I looked up at Nathan once again, my eyes hazy.
What he said to me as a confession of love, was the complete opposite of what he had said to Paisley in the novel.
Since it was my favorite scene, it was clearly imprinted into my mind.
[Nathaniel spoke to Paisley with his head bowed. The question if Nathaniel only loved Paisley because of her powers had once again resurfaced.
"I told you that I know. I'm very sure when my love started. You helped me to see heaven.
When I seemed as the strongest and most invincible, you taught me about all my weaknesses. You saved me.
Destroying and vanquishing the demons within me. I'm sure that's why I love you.
I'm sure there's nothing else to it"
Nathaniel looked at Paisley with eyes full of kindness]
The scene that was happening with me was different.
Nathan looked at me with a stern gaze. His expression was creepy.
"I've told you that I belong to you. You are my master. And I love you.
I was happy that you've ended things with that Ronald. To be truthful, I had been planning to murder him after your debut. Making you free from any man but me"
There was a dark look of possessiveness as he looked at me, reaching out for my hand.
I smiled at him, moving my other hand towards his face.
My fingers traced every inch of Nathan's face. Finally stopping at his chin. I raised it up, making his face look up as I stood from the chair.
I got unto the table, still raising his chin.
My actions were the same each time.
"Don't move"
I leaned in close.
My following actions were different from each time that I won our drinking competition.
I kissed him hungrily on the lips.
Containing his surprise, he didn't move but stayed in his position, just as I had ordered.
I continued to kiss him. He didn't reciprocate the kiss due to my command but I knew that he was enjoying every moment of it.
After feeling satisfied, I redrew from the kiss, then sat on his legs, wrapping my arms around his neck.
"Why don't you ever ask me if I love you?"
"Because of the unwritten rule" He replied.
"And what is it?"
"You are the boss here. Your feelings don't need to be known"
My rows of white teeth showed as I smiled at him, feeling satisfied by his answer.
I placed my palm on his chest, while looking at him in the eyes.
Sometimes I wished that I was more expressive and less cruel but at times like these, I feel on top of the world knowing that I'm in control here.
"How would you feel if I sincerely fell in love with another man?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe I'd go mad and destroy the entire Empire. Or maybe I'd kill the man and keep you locked up in a place where only I can have you"
The ends of my lips raised as I listened to his possessiveness.
"You know that you can't lock me up. If you did, then I'd hate you and make sure to destroy you"
My hand that was on his chest squeezed his shirt as I said that. A faint chuckle escaped his mouth and he smiled.
"Of course you would. Then that means I'll have to go with destroying the whole world. That way I'd be the only person you'd look at"
"Hmm. That sounds better than locking me up"
"Then if such happens, I know about countermeasures"
We bought laughed at out jokes that contained lots of truth in them.
"Nathan. Don't feel that I don't love you. It's just that my love is different"
"Oh really? And how exactly is your love?"
I removed my palm from his chest, then tapped a finger slowly against my lip.
"I also feel attracted to you. I'm attracted to you because you are you, Nathaniel, Crown Prince of the Empire.
I wouldn't really care if you said that you didn't love me, but if a lady were to take your heart I'd make sure to kill her and you. Maybe I'd burn both of you alive"
I took a deep breath in, then released one out. My breath reeked the smell of alcohol. I continued speaking.
"I want to own you, but without giving myself to you. Is that love?" I asked.
Nathan looked at me for some time. He laughed lightly, shaking his head.
"Maybe not. My love is different. I don't feel worthy enough to own you. All I want to do is give myself entirely to you"
"Ha. Love is such a confusing thing" I stood up from Nathan and rose to my feet. I moved towards my chair and sat on it.
I felt attracted to Nathan, and wanted him to only look at me. Even without me giving myself to him....
Reflecting on all my actions and behaviors, I would be fully aware that I wasn't a good person. Looking at my dark possessiveness, I couldn't help but feel disgusted with myself. But I wasn't willing to change any part of me.
The alcohol I had taken seemed to mess with my mind and mouth as my thoughts slipped too easily out of my mouth.
"I just had a thought. Why don't we get married? I want to nurture this feeling of love and discover the position of our relationship. How about that?"
I said a lot to convince him to accept my proposal of marriage. There was a small fact I was trying to hide.
Nathan was surprised by my abrupt proposal. He narrowed his eyes at me. Covering his mouth with one hand, he looked at me with eyes, full of amusement.
"So you want us to get married in order to test out relationship? Hmm. Adrianna, I'm no fool. I see what you're getting at"
I blinked my eyes innocently asked back.
"What exactly am I doing?"
"Becoming the wife of the Crown Prince is a perfect way to deal with those people that annoy you. Especially your sister and your ex-fiance"
Hearing his answer, I chuckled. He seemed to have now have a good understanding of me, after I had raised him.
"You're partly correct, Nathan. But I also want to get married because I truly love you"
"Truly?"
"Well....not truly. My love is just a bit more....twisted"
He was silent for some time before the ends of his lips raised, forming a small smile.
"Fine then. I agree. Being married to you will enable me to win your heart"
"Is that so? You think a mere legal procedure known as marriage is enough to win my heart? You think I'm that easy?"
"Marriage may not be enough but I have enough charms to win you over once we're in a official relationship"
He smiled then whispered seductively. "I'll even get to do anything I want"
"Oh really?" I looked over at Nathan challenging him.
His eyes were also filled with determination mixed with desire. He seemed ready for the challenge.
We had a somewhat lengthy conversation about our future marriage.
With my hand under my chin, I spoke like it was just a matter of business
"I'll introduce you as my lover to my family, in the next two weeks. I'm supposed to be acting as the heart broken lady for the time being"
Nathan nodded.
"I'm okay with that. The imperial knights will be coming to the South by that time. They need to rest and heal before heading to the capital. I'll announce our marriage during my debut party"
It was almost midnight, so Nathan had to leave.
He got up from the chair and walked towards the balcony. I escorted him, following him behind.
Nathan then got to the balcony. He turned one more time and asked.
"Are you sure, that you want to through with the marriage?"
"Your still asking. What if I change my mind and say no? Haven't you always wanted us to be married?"
Nathan bit his lip. I noticed his palms were clenched into fists.
"Of course I want us to get married. It has always been my dream. But I want to be sure that you're happy with the marriage.
Being married to the Crown Prince who is the future Emperor, is beyond more than your revenge. Many heavy duties and problems will be pushed unto you"
"I'm aware about it all. I'm ready. And this is more than a little revenge against Paisley and Ronald"
"Hmm"
It was then that I heard my clock chime, meaning that it was midnight.
In that moment Nathan's figure began to disappear, into black fog. I smiled at his visage that began to diminish.
"Oh and I won" I said before Nathan finally disappeared along with the black fog.
I stood at my balcony for some time, gazing at the moon. After for who knows how long, I went back into my room and laid on my bed.
Many thoughts occupied my mind at the same time. Here I was, enslaving Nathan the male lead, to myself, all because of my twisted feelings.
There was a reason why the novel was titled [I Shall Save My Knight], and an even bigger reason why Nathan was the male lead with Paisley being the female lead.
In an incoherent whisper I spoke out, in self talk.
"I'm such a selfish person"