It's a new year, January 13th.This time is an amazement, just pure joy appears.Bobby and Elliot have been back in town for a couple days now as they only can hang out for a bit until they're shipped out again.I was with Amelia as we got prepared to go to a bowling welcome home party for them.
"Come on we have to go …" she said as I laid on the couch as I replied
"I don't know, I don't think I'm able to-" as she interrupted me and said
"Come on, you're closet friends who you haven't seen in months, you gotta go …." She said as I thought about and nodded.
"Alright, I'll go, I do really miss those guys ….." I said laughingly as I I got up and put on my shoes.Amelia is wearing a pink tank top and a black jacket, along with some gray jeans and black boots.I wore my old Nike Cortez, my black cargo pants, a white tank top and my brown jacket.
We started walking out of her apartment building as we headed to my car parked on the street.
"I should've got a gift ?" I said as we got in.
"Too late now, we're running late …." She replied as I started to drive.We started heading to the bowling alley as I was playing
"I Cant Stop Loving You " by Ray Charles.
We started to drive casually as she got jittery all of a sudden.
"You alright ?" I asked as she said
"I'm okay …" I felt curious to her movement as I kept driving.We've made it to the light, leading to the bowling alley as she started crying.
"Whoa, hey you alright, What's wrong ? " I asked as I drove into the parking lot of the bowling alley and parked.she sniffled a bit ad she cleared her throat and said
"I gotta go, I gotta go now Ray, I can't explain but please I Have to go !!" She yelled as she exited out the car and walked away as I exited as well.I chased her down and said
"Whoa where you going, what's happening ?" I stopped her as I grabbed on her arm.She smacked me away and said
"Let me go !, I just have to go …." She started walking as I followed a bit and she turned and asked
"Stop following me !" She yelled this loudly as on lookers kept staring.I stood still as I saw her walk away, I was confused.
I got back to walking to my car as I sat there, on the verge of tears.I stopped myself, I did something ? I don't even know anymore with this woman.I pray to god I can help her or even understand what's going on.Is it me, always being a burden as I push my love for god to her ? I mean before all this she didn't take religions very seriously, she just believed you did and that's it, pure darkness.I used to feel like that but with the power and will, I know my true fate.
I start hitting my steering wheel over and over in frustration as I start sweating.I get a sudden urge, a tic to take something to calm me down, I shouldn't be thinking these things.I started to call her but she wouldn't answer,
"Fuck, fuck , you fucking, fuck !" I worded out as I hit my steering wheel even more.I breathed in as I stopped myself from crying, I calmed myself by reciting Exodus 15:2.
"The lord is my strength and song, and he is my savior …" I say as I close my eyes and breathe slowly.I get out of the car and lock it shut as I reposition myself when I start walking into the bowling alley.I look around and find them playing, it's Bobby and Elliot as well as some other old friends.One old friend named Billy, I knew him since elementary school but haven't been in contact since graduation.
"Hey Ray, look at you huh ….." he says as he goes for a hug.We hug as I look around to old friends I haven't seen in years.
"Good to see you …" I say as I see Bobby and Elliot approaching. I can't even tell it's them, they look like cancer patients.
"Wow that bootcamp really did help huh, jeez …" I say as they both laugh and they both look at each other as Elliot holds me down and Bobby starts to punch my stomach, playfully.
"Alright…..alright that's funny …." I say as they finally let go.
"How you been you ugly fucker, Christ you just don't change huh ?" Says Bobby laughingly as I reply
"I mean I've been around you know, just working and I know how to drive now …." They both look at each other impressed as Elliot says
"Now you can drive us around when we're fucking drunk, our little driver huh ….unless …." He says as he laughingly points at me and does a gesture with his hands.
"You drinking now ?" They both laughed as I reply smilingly
"No, I'm a man of god now …." I say calmly as they both start laughing.
"Hey Elliot it's your turn !" Yelled out a girl as Elliot says "alright …." He turns back to us and says
"Imma show you how it's done …." He walked towards the lane and started to pick get out a ball.I kept conversation with Bobby as he asked
"Aye you still out being a degenerate with the gambling ? " he said laughingly as I replied
"Nope, haven't done that in months …" I say as he is a great mood.
"Well that's good to hear, so what you been doing in life huh ?" He added on as I said
"Well I got a girl with me now …" he was shocked as he asked
"Oh …..where is she ?" I disappointedly said
"I really don't know …." I excused myself as I tried to call her again.Still no response
"Aye you're up next !" Yelled out Elliot as he pointed at me.Billy came out of nowhere and got me a pair of bowling shoes as I started to put them on fast.I got up to the lane and chose a ball that's a size 14.Keep in mind I've never been bowling in my life, this is my first time, I only know from what I've seen on tv or video games.I started to get ready as I just envisioned that Richard Nixon video of him bowling and I went for it.I got a good hit as I only had one pin left, I was going to go sit down but they said I had one more shot.I got another ball and went for it, I missed, still for a first every shot, not bad.
"It's beginners luck, no way …." Said a person as some cheered me on.I haven't like this in years now, that joy of being with friends again.I sat back down next to Bobby and Elliot as they started to reminisce on idiotic things we used to do.
"God but you remember the time Bobby and Jackson stole the god damn golf carts they used in school, fucking security guard was chasing them….it looked so stupid but was fucking hilarious…." Said Elliot as they laughed.
"Fuck, you remember the time in freshman year, English teacher was absent so they had a sub, then Jackson, Dean and Ray pulled up to the class and Jackson brought in a bike, started doing tricks around the class ….like you can't make this shit up ….hehe…." Said Bobby as we all laughed.The game was still going as it was almost Elliot's turn again.
"That substitute was just sleeping or something because they didn't care at all, we were watching what was it ? Romeo and Juliet ….haha …."
These little moments are great when you know you can't relive them again.I did miss these guys, like I missed the rest of my real friends.Gosh I feel so worried for Amelia, I gotta call her.As they talked with each other I tried to call her again, but again no answer.Straight to voicemail, not even a ring.
"Ray you alright ?" Asked Elliot as Bobby remarked
"He's trying to get in touch with that girlfriend …." He says as Elliot's eyes burst.What you have to understand I had the same philosophy after high school, that the funs over.So I kept to myself for the time I've been distant with my friends, I lived life like it was just me and Amelia.I kept her secret due to the fact I've always had bad experiences with woman whenever I mention one to my friends, they're my bad luck.
"Whoa what, what's her name ? Come on, how does she look ? Tell me something !" Said Bobby as I started to shake my head in laughs as I said
"No no, I don't want to get into details now …" I say as Elliot keeps bugging me about it.
"Come on you fucker, we've been away too long and need the interaction…..especially you, never would've thought of you with a girl ….come on …." He bothered on as he kept grabbing on to me.
"Chill out !" I yelled out jokingly as I got a phone call, it's Amelia.
Oh hold oh man…" I said quickly as I excused myself.Bobby and Elliot talked with themselves as they stared at me, Elliot got called on to play next, it was his turn.I answered as I was worried
"Yes…yes hello, where are you, are you alright ?" I asked as she just breathed on the phone call as I asked again
"Amelia, what's wrong, you gotta tell me something, I want to help you …." She took a minute as she said
"I'm back at home ….I need you to come right now ….I need to talk to you …." She said in a demanding voice, I was distraught.
"Alright, I'm on my way, just don't go anywhere ….goodbye, love you …" I said as I hanged up and told went up to Bobby and said
"Hey sorry I gotta go man, want to hang out later ?" I said as he got up and said
"Man what you just got here, come on …just stay a bit more …" he asked as I said
"I'm really sorry man, I just have to go but, hey let's hang out later …." I said as he nodded and said
"Alright …I'll play for you either way …." He said as I walked out a bit and said "thanks - oh wait …" I barely noticed I had the bowling shoes sirloin on as I went to change my shoes.
"I'll return them for you, don't worry …" he said as I again thanked him as I left.I quickly got in my car and started driving to Amelia apartment.I was too stressed to think as I parked quickly and headed upstairs.I got to her apartment door and stormed in as I saw her laying on the couch.
"Hey hey …what's wrong …..what is it ?" I asked worryingly as she started to cry, I tried to hold her close and comfort her but she smacked me away.
"Get away …get away ! …." She yells as I stood there confused.
"Amelia, talk to me , what's going on ?" I asked as she said
"What's wrong with you …" she said as I was still confused.
"What do you mean ?" She got more angered as she said
"I talked with your dad, finally got to talk with him and he's had some stories about you …." She said as I'm still a bit clueless.
"Okay ?…." I said as she got up and was face to face with me as she said
"What happened In May of your senior year ….what was that shit you pulled …." She said angrily as I am thinking of something, I don't think it could be the same thing she's thinking.
"Oh now you're remembering huh, what you wrote, what you said ….you think that's right ?" She asked as I stood still and was in embarrassment to realize what she meant.
"I mean you're some kind of man of god now and you've been having thoughts like that, without telling me….you gotta about these things with me Ray ! Can't keep me shut out …" I couldn't say a thing as she walked around me and said
"I mean the fucking pills I saw, I didn't pay no mind because I thought you took them for you health or something but the fucking gambling, I mean really ? The dumb shit you did with your friends while we're together, I mean how can you not tell me about this ?" She said angrily as I stood there, on the verge of tears.She stares me in my eyes as I couldn't make eye contact.
"Look at me !, come on, look at me !" She yelled as she shoved me, I just stood there and took it.
"I mean I thought I was in a calm stable relationship but your not stable Ray, you're fucking nuts …you know that ?" She asked as I now looked her dead center in the eyes as I bawled my fist.She noticed and said
"Look at that another sin, go for it huh, I mean Jesus Christ you'd probably like it -" said as I turned and punched the wall.I made a hole as I got angered and said
"Hey ! I said before you don't talk like that -" she interrupted me as she stormed into kitchen and said
"Oh shut the hell up about that shit, you're a changed man huh ? Bullshit ….." she said as I started to approach her angrily as she quickly got into the kitchen drawer and pulled a knife on me.
"What, you ain't got yours huh ? Yea ….not today ?" She asked as I stood still and said
"Don't do nothing dumb Amelia, please …" she got closer and swung it around as she said
"What, something dumb like this ? Or this ?" She nearly got me as she got one foot little slash on my forearm.
"Ahh god damn it !" I yelled out as I burst in pain.
"Oh don't speak like that Ray !" She mocked.I got more angered and started to throw stuff around the home, I got a picture frame of us and through it at the tv, I then kicked over the living room table.It broke as she laughed and said
"There you go again, messing things up …" she said in an aggressive tone.I just couldn't take this no more as I finally couldn't be patient no more.I got up her as she swung the kitchen knife again but I deflected it and pinned her to the ground, I kicked the knife away.She groaned as I was on top her, I got off her and said
"I'm leaving now …" I started walking as she got up quickly and said
"Good, leave finally go get her help, they can put you in that place with all The other crazies…." I just can't stand this talking anymore.She stood there as I turned and was furious.
"The fuck you say ?" I asked as she backed away and said
"What you can't fucking hear how ? Go get help you psychotic bastard -" I stopped her sentence by getting ahold of her and slamming her on the couch.
"Do you know how hard it is for me, I have a shitty job with a shitty pay and I have to the realization that I have to grow up now, have to be an adult, I'm barely 18 for fuck sakes and I was feeling happy until now ….." she yelled
"Let go of me !" I stopped her and said
"Hey, no you listen, you understand the moments we've had, the days I just wish an brain aneurysm…..I just wish I'd get killed…I'd walk around and just wish I'd rush into traffic and get hit …." She started to tear up as I started got off her.I just wish I didn't say this, it changed is form there on.
"Now I'm leaving …." I got up and stormed out as she started to cry and scream as I left.
"Don't fucking come back !" She yelled as I slammed the door on my way out.I got in my car and started to drive around the city, I won't through the streets of Panorama City, then passed by Granada Hills.I just ease my mind while driving, I am trying so hard to not lose faith but I'll stay strong.I was at a loss in life again as I've been driving around for hours, it's about 10:00 pm now.I was at a red light as I glanced at my phone to see I've got multiple missed calls from Amelia and one miss call from Bobby.I ignored it for now as I played some music, I played "The Perfect Drug " by Nine Inch Nails.I was just in a bastardly mood, I got back on my calm state.I looked in the glove compartment as I saw I some purple pills in a zip loc bags.I fought for my life not to get one but I couldn't resist I got one I didn't notice the light turn green as cars started honking behind me.I quickly took the pill as I drove, I downed it without water.I nearly choked while doing it but I swallowed it good.Gosh that feeling again, just the rush I got got me back to it.I started to drive recklessly as I was enjoying the song, I shit you not I drove by another bus stop with that same homeless man.It felt like a fucking sign from god to turn back now but I'm in too deep to stop.I ripped off my Jesus piece and through it out the window.I put the volume higher as I zoomed by an orange light.I finally arrived back at my home as I park in front of the street.I go in the glove compartment and take out the bag of pills and get out the car.I got out the car with the bag hidden in my jacket, I was paranoid.For what ? I have no idea but I just was.
I got inside as I see dad in the kitchen, eating a sweet bread.I confronted him and said
"Hey, if you wanna get in my personal life, fix yours first you Low-life fuck …" I yelled as he got up angered and said
"Who the fuck are you to tell me this you ungrateful piece of shit !" He yelled back as I got up closer to him in anger.He can notice that look in my eye that I ain't right.He back away as I said
"Ungrateful ?, I pay most of the rent in this home, you remember with mom how you two would fight and makeup an minute later like that's fucking normal ? And where was I, in the middle of it all ! You miserable fuck, I loathe that I'm your future …." I say as he is furious now as he sits there as he has a pouty face.I am about to walk into my room as I say
"You never talk to her again, you keep her out of this, because we're done, I was happy in life for once you know that ? Now I'm back to being your legacy ….you old fuck …." I said as I walked away.I got in my room as he sat there in the kitchen in sadness at what he's heard.I looked around and saw some water bottles I had as I downed two more pills.I laid against my bed as I looked through my phone and saw through me and Amelia's old text and saw the text from Bobby
"Hey, we went to your house and your dad said you weren't there, where you at ?"
I read it then ignored it, I was there in my own squalor.I just had such nostalgic memories of the good old times, yet I'm so young.It sounds idiotic due to the fact I got many more years to have better memories.I started to drink an energy drink and down another pill as I start to cry more as I speak.
"God she never loved you ….she never did you pathetic piece of shit ….you ruined it,, you !!!!" I yelled out as I started punching myself in the face over and over.
"Dummy ! Dummy ! Dummy ! …." I yelled out as I continued to punch.I stopped after I felt a migraine, I got up and hit my head on the wall.I hit and hit until a hole is made, I'm disgusted.These pills are really kicking in now as I feel an urge to run a marathon with no legs.
"She never liked you, you fuck, it's your fault, your the reason others suffer ….you piece of shit …..ahhhh…." I whispered in agony as I went to get my belt In the my closet.I put the belt around my neck and tied it good, I. Placed the remainder of it on the door handle of my closet.I let it go free as I still had my earbuds in, it was playing "Where Or When " by Dion & The Belmonts.I just took it, for a good 25 seconds I was feeling a rush of death.I was gagging and letting it happen until I got an epiphany, I don't want my legacy to be this.I quickly fought for my life to untie that belt as I did so, I took it off quickly as I fought to take in an breath I could.I gasped for air as I shed tears of embarrassment, in my family it's a disgraceful act to die like this.I got back around my bed and started to take another pill, that's about 5 or 6 now, that's the limit.I felt an urge of a glorifying manifest.I went around for a walk, I was fired up as I didn't feel like driving this time.I wore my same Stacy Addams shoes and black pants, along with a black t shirt and my brown jacket, all alone with my thoughts. I had walked around the neighborhoods of Winnekta.I was in such a lost place that I was to out of control.I remember I had a bottle of orange juice and another Yoo-hoo as I roamed around this neighborhood like a mad man.I was hollering all sorts of bullshit
"They're not sending me to no hospital !" Or
"I ain't going back, you can't fuck with me no more ….!!!" I just walked like I was the crackhead you ignore when walking by them.
I got up back to around my neighborhood after walking about 13 miles worth of steps that night.Just terrorizing the neighborhoods with my poisoned thoughts, I couldn't contain them much longer.I got home again as it was midnight.The door was locked and I banged on it over and over it be let in.Nobody answered, suddenly that old neighbor was peaking through his window and saw me acting a fool.He opened up and said
"Hey Ray, you alright ?" He asked me as I said
"Yea, ye, yea, I just , just got locked out …." I said as calm as I could but I still looked like a mess.
"We'll come in if you want, you want some water ?" He asked as I said
" no thanks,I got uh I got my drink right here…." I showed him my Yoo-hoo as it's warm and wouldn't taste as good without being refrigerated.He looked at me in pity as he said "come on in man, you hungry ? I could make us some burgers …." I thought about and said
"No thanks, I'm not hungry sir …" I keep knocking as he tries to calm me down.
"Hey ! Hey ! …..let's not wake the other residents okay ? Just come in …..you can sleep in the living room come on Ray ….." I thought it over as I said
"Okay …..thank you ….." I started walking as I walked with a limp, I made it inside as I laid in the couch, finally feeling rested.He looked at me in dishonor as he shook his head.He started to make himself some burgers and I heard the sizzling in the stove.I got up quick and looked at the time, it's nearly 1:00 am.
"How do you like yours ?" He asked as I replied
"Sir I'm not really hungry …..like really I don't feel like eating …" he smirkily said
"Come on you gotta eat…..you like bacon in yours ? " I put my hands on my face as I caught my breath, I am still exhausted.I finally thought what he meant and said
"Uh ….sir ….I'm not drunk if this is what you think, I don't drink at all …..I mean I can't do this alphabet's backwards, fucking no one can but I swear I ain't drunk ….." I say as he says
"Alright -alright, just calm down , then what is it ? You high or something, weed is it ? Ain't no shame in it …." He says as I say "no sir, it's just high on love, you know ….." he scoffed and said
"Oh you kids now, always jumping to love like rabbits ….you finished high school right ?" He asked as I approach the kitchen and nodded.He started to go to the kitchen table and place two plate full of homemade burgers and fries.
"Alright come sit, sit come on kid …." He said as he went to turn on his speaker and play "The Winner Takes It All " by ABBA.He set the mood as he sat along side me, he was smiling.
"Look you're too young to worry about things like this, you're growing up too damn fast, just slow it down you know …." He said as he ate his burger.
"You sure you're not gonna eat ?" He asked as I shook my head.He took the burger and fries and added to his plate.
"Alright ….we'll anyways, I've seen how you act, you've been lost and with god then what a relapse and so in love, it's all horseshit ….I mean when was the last time you'd take your dad out for once, you know take him to Santa Monica Pier or even around Hollywood …..?" He asked as I sat there I silence.
"Exactly, you gotta see two things in this world, family first, but most importantly of that family is you, you're a piece of that puzzle …..you're working right ?" He asked as I said
"Yea ….." he ate some fries as he said
"Okay and of course you drive and all, you've been on this adult path already, you forget the fun parts, your passions…..your family, which I go back too, look I've known your family for a decade now as they lived at that home and I've seen you struggle ….." he says as he eats more of his burger.
"I just need you to know, you're never alone, if you think you are that means you're blocking out the help…..you get me ? " he asked as I Said "yes sir …." He ate his fries more as he got deep into the song and said
"The winner takes it all baby …. he he…" we both laughed a little as the night wrapped up for me.I slept on the couch as I awoke at around Seven in the morning.I got up and stepped out as I saw he left me a little bag with filled with some candies, it was sweet gesture.I got up and went back to my house as it was open now, I got ready for the day to come as I have to take care of some business.