My palms were sweaty and my breathing was ragged. What was happening to me? I couldn't quite explain it but my heart felt like it had been shattered into a thousand pieces and there was nothing I could do.
I was rooted to the spot as I watched Elliot all over some guy from my Chemistry class. I wasn't supposed to care what he did or who he kissed but then why did it hurt?
"Luke?" I could hear Neil calling my name but everything sounded so far away.
"Luke?" I felt Neil's hand on my shoulder shaking me and I finally snapped out of it.
I was still looking at Elliot as he turned his head in my direction and our eyes connected. Everything seemed to fade away until only the two of us were left but then I felt a pair of hands wrap around my waist from behind which made Elliot's eyes narrow and then he turned on his heels and stormed off.
"Babe, where have you been?" I heard Patience's voice and I spun to face her as a forced smile found its way on my face.
"Nothing, I've just been preoccupied with school."
I wrapped my arms around her small frame and pulled her closer to me, inhaling her and reminding myself that there was nothing going on between Elliot and I.
Patience pulled back and grabbed my hand which made Neil roll his eyes. "Come on, before we are late for lunch." She pulled my hand and I followed her all the way to the cafeteria with Neil following behind us.
I needed this, I had a girlfriend and wasn't supposed to be thinking of anyone apart from her. A pang of guilt washed through me as I recalled that I had made out with Elliot while still going out with Patience and I knew I had cheated. But how was I supposed to tell her that? What would she think of me when she found it?
Shaking those thoughts away, I stood in line with Neil to order something to eat when he leaned in to whisper.
"Dude, what's wrong with Elliot? I didn't think he swung that way but by the way he was all over Marcus, makes me wonder if he likes guys more than girls or just likes playing around."
I slowly turned to him, "What does it matter who he dates or plays around with? For all we know he could be bisexual," my voice came out clipped.
"I was just saying, it wasn't long since I asked for his help with Yvette and now he is all over some dude," Neil raised his hands in surrender and didn't say anything after that.
Lunch passed in a blur and before I knew it, I was standing outside the town library about to meet up with Elliot for his tutoring session but I dreaded going inside.I just couldn't see him, not after what had happened.
Taking a deep breath, I opened the door and entered.
*********
"Luke, glad to see you again," Lillian said with a smile as I walked towards the front desk. Her hair was pulled back and her glasses hanging around her neck in that old fashioned librarian kind of way. "I'm guessing you're here to meet up with Eli."
Something washed over me at his name but it was gone just as quickly. "Hey Lillian," I said meekly and hoisted my bag higher on my shoulder. "Where can I find him?"
"Upstairs, he told me he didn't want to see you which was odd," Lillian's eyebrows furrowed, "I tried asking him why but he just narrowed his eyes at me and stormed off."
Shit, this was not going to go well. "I guess I can just come back another time." I was relieved, if he didn't want to see me then there was no point in me being here. I could simply go back to school and help plan for the Valentine Dance.
Lillian rolled her eyes and then smiled at me. I was pretty sure she made a lot of guys' heads turn in College. "Nonsense, just head on upstairs. He sometimes does this and I'm sure he could use a friend since he won't talk to me or his brother and we are both worried about him." She fell silent as if she was in a trance but then shook her head. "He always seems happier whenever I bring your name up and that makes me happy. Just head on up and if he throws a tantrum, just come fetch me."
"Thanks," I tried to smile but I was sure it came out more of a grimace than anything. "How do I get there?"
"Head straight then on the first turn, turn left, then another left and you'll see the staircase. That will lead you up," Lillian said all while still smiling. "If you need anything, just let me know."
I thanked her again and then proceeded to head upstairs. Each step felt heavy and the closer I got, the harder and faster my heart beat got. I was finally standing in front of the door that Lillian told me and I wasn't sure whether I should knock or just enter. I stood there for a while, not knowing what to do when the door suddenly swung open.
Elliot looked surprised to see me then his eyes narrowed into thin slits. "What are you doing here? I thought I told Lillian I didn't want to see you and wanted to be alone."
He was looking at me so fiercely that I almost wanted to turn around and run. But a part of me was tired of running and making him see me as some weak guy who always did as was told. Braving myself, I stood my ground.
"You don't have to be a jerk to the people that care about you, especially Lillian, just who the hell do you think you are? Huh?" I poked him in the chest and he stumbled back, having been caught off-guard. "And I'm not here for you, I'm here only because Ms. Wells asked me to help you with catching up. Trust me, I don't want to be here as much as you but if you are only going to act like a arse then I'm leaving." I huffed and turned to leave, glad that I had made my point and finally stood up for myself.
Hands wrapped around me from the back and I felt Elliot's body heat as he placed his head on my shoulder and sighed. "I'm sorry, it's just hard to see you knowing that I can't have you." He said quietly that if I wasn't so close to him I wouldn't have heard him. "I can't pretend to be happy when I see Patience all over you and all I want to do is push her away and take her place. I'm trying to hold back and stay away from you, I can't allow myself to get so close to you when I can't have you, hold you and call you mine."
I ripped his arms from me and spun around so I was facing him. "I am not interested in you.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not gay and I won't ever be. I love Patience and I will never, ever have any feelings for you. You disgust me." Elliot's face as he stepped back from me like my words were a slap across the face. "I only kissed you because I felt pity for you and nothing else, yet you still keep acting like we are ever going to be anything other than what we already are. Leave me the hell alone, I don't care whether you prefer guys or girls as long as they aren't me."
My heart was breaking but I had to stop whatever this was before people got hurt because of me. I had to stop being selfish for once and that meant pushing away my feelings for him.
"Y-you don't mean that."
"I mean every word I just said, the sooner you understand that the better it will be for everyone." I spun around, afraid he was going to see right through me. I didn't want to hurt Patience any more than I had and if it meant lying to myself and pushing away then that was what I was going to do. "I'll ask Ms. Wells if she can assign someone else. We are done here and I never want to see you let alone be alone together anymore." I headed back downstairs, everything felt like it wasn't real. I ignored Lillian as she called out to me and there was panic in her voice but I kept walking, afraid if I said anything then I might just end up crying.