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I think I don't love him anymore.

Supriya_Nayak_3430
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Synopsis
He's been the love of my life for 4 years now. We are seen as a happy couple but I think I don't love him anymore. What's that term? Anagapesis?

Table of contents

Latest Update1
New Guy2 years ago
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Chapter 1 - New Guy

I don't like using Instagram anymore. This application has become a shitty place; encouraging random songs to be put up on still pictures making a normal story look like a Tiktok video. But this guy, he's the one for whom I have my account still activated. Ofcourse, he's not my boyfriend.

Startled as I woke up, I could hear the normal chaos that prevail in our house everyday. Except it wasn't a normal day. Peeping through my half-opened eyes, I looked into my phone , barely able to handle the light after a 3-hour long nap. It was hard to fall asleep last night but then it seemed I slept way too much. It was 4:00 A.M. My train was going to leave at 5:30 A.M. This early morning train doesn't really get late while departure but always while reaching the destination. I had to make my mind to pull my body up, trying to open my eyes and reconciling my brain that I could slay the day.

As always, my mother was super charged at this early hour. She'd already taken a bath, offered flowers to the Lord, now swiftly toasting the bread on the frying pan. I walked sluggishly out of my room. "Go ahead, quickly brush your teeth. Don't make noise . You'll wake your brother up.", ordered my mother but in a sweet tone and that miraculous smile which showed sympathy towards me for leaving the house. I ignored her palely, although I had no intentions to be rude to her, her assumption about me that I shall make 'noise' this early in the morning when I actually was moving out to a completely different city for the first time where I had to do all chores myself and study , made me insolent.

It was a chilly November dawn. I didn't want to get freezed in the shower and already fall sick before leaving.

"Can I skip shower?"

My mother glanced at me. A little smile came onto her face and her lips widened.

"It's okay. You can. You'll obviously get weared off in the train. Take a shower when you reach there."

It wasn't new to anybody in our house. I often skipped showers, mostly during winters. But this rare consent of my mother was particularly kind, maybe because I was leaving or as if she'd know if I skipped shower after I start living on my own.

"Ah, the water isn't that cold. You can still bath and avoid wetting your head.", said my dad as he came out of the washroom , dabbing his body with a fresh white towel .

He'd never skip a shower. Not even a single day, even when he's sick and that to he'd never use warm water. Straight up water coming from our tanks on top of our terrace. He'd neither bother winters nor summers.

"No dad, I think we're already getting late. I can take one when we reach."

"As you wish, my child."

I quickly changed into my comfy travel clothes. A pair of black joggers were always my go-to. I put on a henna-coloured top and pulled over a black sweater. My hairs were always a mess. They took the most amount of time.

"Are you done? The cab is here." , said my mom, her voice slightly above the limit which could wake my little brother up.

"Yes, almost done. Where are my earphones?"

"They are already in my handbag. Go prostrate before leaving."

"Are you girls done? We must leave now." , announced my dad standing at our entrance gate.

"Yes dad, mom is just giving a final check to the house."

My dad had already put in all his strength to load all my eight huge bags into the cab. There was a little less room in the back seat for two people. We adjusted and left for the station. Ah and yes, my brother wasn't home alone. There's my grandmother too who was asleep as well.

"I don't think I'm going to use social media anymore, Instagram particularly. That app just gets on my nerves.", I typed to my best friend Leia, who would probably be asleep watching her six boyfriends partying together without inviting her.

I justified myself thinking I would focus only on studies,pay no attention to things online and particularly stay away from boys. I didn't even want to be in a constant state of fomo, so I won't be using Instagram.

"You won't do that bitch.", replied Leia , two hours after I sent her the text.

"This is the only way I could keep up with your life. You won't be available always . Atleast I can check your updates."

" We could always stay updated through Snapchat."

"Oh I get it now, you're doing this for him?"

"I don't want you to put him here anyways."

"Oh! so you think, you leave the city, go to a new place, cut off ties and start new?"

"I never told I want to cut ties. I just.."

I stopped typing, trains make me emotional. The view from windows, the songs playing in background, all those sweet and sour memories which come rushing in make me spellbound, only to make me feel vulnerable and leave tears in my eyes.

Maybe I liked this feeling, I liked feeling vulnerable to the world, I liked crying, watching the beautiful sceneries pass by , I liked to regret my choices in life.

"You didn't even talk to him. "

"He doesn't even know you're leaving."

"He's been texting me but as I promised you, I didn't reply him back."

" I know he's wronged you. But he deserves to know you're leaving."

I saw Leia's messages pop up on my screen, I could read each and every word clearly even if the tear build up in my eyes made my vision blurred beyond visibility.

I switched off the internet,put my phone down and stretched on my seat listening to music, while I questioned the void inside of me to the magnificent nature which passed by me.

A couple of hours passed by and my mom woke me up to have some snacks and to explain me her worry about how I could manage all by myself in a new city. My dad had found his travel companion and would discuss about politics and sports.

I was reluctant to have anything, not even my favourite chips. I knew it was bad when I left without even informing the person I loved the most and making my bestfriend sad because she felt I was trying to cut ties. I didn't keep up to the mark.

Train journeys are my favourite. Since childhood, our family would travel once in a year to a far away beautiful destination during the summer holidays. My father loved travelling and I think that's what I've got from him considering the fact I hate sports and sometimes politics too. Those journeys were marked with fun and joy, togetherness and quality family time,I had no tension, no responsibilities. I didn't have to care about my luggage, I didn't have to care about my expenses or how I would wash my clothes by my own. This journey was different. It was not for rejuvenation. It was a stepping stone to my future: "the one where I start building my life."

My compartment was relatively fuller from the last time when I went for a nap. It was some station where the train had halted. The passengers intake was a lot there. There was normal hustle and bustle of passengers pushing out to the platform from the train,while the incoming passengers had already gotten into the train, leaving the entire compartment jammed. I was too melancholic to put my attention there so I wished the train started quickly. It did. I thanked the Lord.

Long after the train had left the station, I could still see passengers relocating.

"Where did those new passengers come from? There wasn't any stoppage now right?"

"Oh, they're from the last station itself. They must have gotten into the closest compartment possible. I think they were late and are relocating now." , spoke my dad to me when I saw two 6 feet men approaching the aisle from the other compartment behind us. My eyes particularly went onto them because they looked different, they had dressed differently. Incompletely formal, white shirts tucked in black pants with broad brown belt and a navy blue cap on top. I would take them as twins for the only difference lied in their shoes. They both had different Nike Airs on them. Of course, I notice people's footwear first. They both had exact same shoulder bags and a trolley each.

Mine was a 13-hour long journey, the train's last stoppage being my destination. It was already 8 hours down. I was now looking into the compartment, trying to understand people's behaviour and not judging. Occasionally, my phone would beep. No, it wasn't Leia . It was him, whom I graciously ignored, for the vengeful me had compelled me to take a revenge on him,by telling him I left the city when I had actually reached my new one. That way he'd feel helpless, as much as I know that he still loves me inspite of doing me wrong, made me feel more hatred towards him. But I still care, that's what Leia said, after everything he's done, I still fall for him. But this time it's different, I am distancing myself and that'll make all of these easier.

All of these thoughts, combined with my anxiety of living alone bashed my mind and I would randomly stare at people from one seat to another. My eyes stopped at a particular seat, moreover on a particular person, especially on a person's eyes. He was already looking at me when I looked at him. Yea, you're right, he was one of those six feet guys. It was a second, I guess ,before I turned my eyes away.

This one second gave a peculiar feeling in my stomach, with my heart beating fast. I was officially afraid. "Calm down you idiot. It's okay. It's not a big deal if you have an eye contact with a complete stranger." , I thought to myself. The inner me knew well that it was particularly alarming because I could see through my side eye the person still staring at me.

We all had masks over our mouths. Neither could I see his complete face, nor he mine. Everytime I dared to look at him, he'd still be gazing at me. At a particular moment, I had to confirm he was actually looking at me. So, I had to run my intelligent brain and start staring at a particular seat far ahead from ours but which was facing us and was unoccupied. Not to my surprise, he got up from his seat and went on to sit where I was staring. Now, I was even more compelled to look at him occasionally to see if he's still watching me. And everytime I did, although he'd be looking somewhere else, he'd get an instinct and quickly move his face to make an eye contact with me again and again. I could get the full view of his physique when he got up and started walking briskly along the aisle. He was lean, had appropriate amount of muscles and fats. Completely flat stomach, maybe he had abs. His thick muscles made his shirt look tighter but not as much as if it were seconds away from tearing apart. His long slender legs made him look taller than he actually was. His palms were wide enough to punch a bouncer lethally. He was a perfect man's picture. Physically.