Start entry: 7/31/2022. 7:18pm CST.
My last experience with the active imagination and meditation scared me, so I haven't tried since even despite the calling of meditation coming at me several times since.
I'll be trying it once more shortly, I'll mention when I started if I remember to look at the time before my attempt.
Start 7:34pm CST
I decided to try recording my active imagination exercise differently this time. Instead of writing it down afterward, I wanted to record myself describing what was happening. What you will read here is what I am able to decipher from the recording, as there was a weird buzzing in the recording and I was mumbling as I got used to speaking while in the active imagination landscape. Me refers to me and guide refers to Mary.
Me: "Love."
Guide: "Love? Okay, let's go." she said as she took my hand. I followed her for a while and came to a familiar place. I remember... From a dream. Somebody familiar in a (followed by mumbles). Just like in the dream.
Guide: "Go sit down." So I walked over to the bench and I sat down next to her, to the girl that was familiar. She didn't react, unlike in the dream. It was a still image.
Guide: "Do you think you love her?"
Me: "I don't know."
Guide: "What do you mean?"
Me: "I'm still processing. I think."
Guide: "Processing? Don't you use me for that?"
Me: "Partly. But only a little."
Guide: "Are you saying you mostly do the processing yourself?"
Me: "Try to." I looked at her, not the guide, the one from the dream, and I began analyzing the details. Familiar. And I could... Feel things welling up inside, but not love. Perhaps a sense of regret, melancholy, but most certainly not love.
Guide: "Are you done?"
Me: "Not yet." I continued to observe her. More like the memory.
Me "It seems I still have a lot to process."
Guide: "You aren't one to dwell on emotions.
Me: "I am... Just not often."
Guide: "Why?"
Me: "They're unfamiliar. Not that I'm scared of them. They're just... Annoying, and hard to understand. They don't fit into my framework. And they make it difficult... To think."
Guide: "Why do you think that is?"
Me: "I don't know. As I said, I don't understand them."
Guide: "Okay."
Guide: "Do you want to leave?"
Me: "If you want."
Guide: "Follow me." I stood up and I followed the guide, once more. She lead me through hallways. Not many, just a few. but they were long. Eventually, we stopped outside a door, or rather two, they're next to each other and connected. A double door.
Guide: "Go inside." I did so hesitantly. It was dark... But it felt like... There was light. I know there wasn't. It was bizarre. I entered. I began to walk around. Mary, my guide, she closed the door... And appeared next to mee.
Guide: "How is it? Do you like it?"
Me: "I don't know. It's unfamiliar."
Guide: "It shouldn't be. This is you."
Me: "What do you mean?"
Guide: "It's you, what else would I mean?"
Me: "I don't quite understand." I looked around. There was nothing. Save for a few... Speckles of blue light, and a few white ones... Or rather, colorless. Floating around, felt out of reach. If I tried to get closer, they got farther. but a white one was near. it went inside me.
Me: "What does it mean?"
Guide: "I'm not sure."
Me: "Why don't you know."
Guide: "I only know what you know."
Me: "Makes sense. I guess..." I looked around again, the lights disappeared and a path appeared. In the darkness, there's a cobbled path that leads to a door. Above it said Exit. And I could see beyond it as the entire back wall had changed... Or rather disappeared with the only thing being a doorway remaining. There was some sort of jungle.
Guide: "Follow me." I followed as I held her hand and she guided me.
Guide: "Don't itch. It'll disrupt this."
Me: "Okay."
Me: "Though it is quite hard."
Guide: "Don't. You will not be able to go if you don't, or rather, if you do." She said annoyedly. (I misspoke here and just left it in for honesty's sake.)
Me: "Okay. Guide me." She nodded and got to guiding me again. We walked along the path. I couldn't feel the warmth of her hand, but she had a domineering presence.
Guide: "Don't. remember what I said about itching? The same goes for checking."
Me: "I know. It was just a reaction."
Guide: "Okay. Just follow me." I nodded. We walked through the doors and into the jungle. It was thick with greenery... And palm trees. It was bizarre.
Me: "Since when do jungles have palm trees?"
Guide: "They don't."
Me: "Then why does this one?"
Guide: "Because this is your mind."
Me: "But I know that jungles don't have palm trees... At least, not like this."
Guide: "Your mind doesn't always go with what you know."
Me: "What do you mean?"
Guide: "It's hard to explain. So I won't."
Me: "That's rude."
Guide: "I know, but follow."
Me: "Fine." I followed. We entered the jungle. We walked through the thick greenery. Ferns on the ground and palm trees all around. Eventually, we reached an empty camp, three tents, a small table with what looked like a radio. She walked up to the radio and turned it on.
Radio: "Don't listen."
Guide: "You must listen."
Radio: "Stop listening."
Me: "Why?"
Guide: "It seems it's anxious. It doesn't want you to know... What you already know." I felt something well up inside me. It seemed to be a sense of sadness. I was hiding something from myself.
Radio: "Please. Stop listening."
Guide: "You must keep listening."
Me: "Why do I feel this way?"
Guide: "Because you're... In denial."
Me: "Of what?"
Guide: "You'll see."
Radio: "Are you not going to stop listening?"
Me: "I'll try not to."
Radio: "I don't what to say."
Me: "What do you mean?"
Radio: "You've taken control."
Me: "Have I?"
Radio: "Yes, you're afraid."
Me: "Of what?"
Radio: "The truth."
Me: "That doesn't sound... Like me."
Guide: "It's because it's only partially true."
Me: "what do you mean?"
Radio: "It means that you're only afraid of a few truths. And the truths that you don't want to accept."
Me: "That makes sense. Everybody's like that."
Guide: "That doesn't mean that you have to be."
Me: "There'll always be something that I'm afraid to accept."
Guide: "I suppose that's true."
Radio: "You should leave."
Guide: "Okay."
Me: "Was it not you who said to listen?"
Guide: "You've taken control. There's nothing left here." She spoke sternly.
Me: "I see."
Guide: "Follow me. This time don't control."
Me: "I'll try."
Guide: "Do." She said sternly.
Me: "I didn't mean to."
Guide: "I know, but don't."
Me: "Like I said, I'll try."
Guide: "You're annoying. I need you to do something. Not just try." She said annoyedly.
Me: "I can give no guarantees."
Guide: "I know. That's what's annoying."
Me: "I see." She began to guide me to a river. A small raft floated along and shortly began to sink. She punched my arm.
Guide: "I told you not to take control."
Me: "I didn't realize I did." She sighed.
Guide: "You need to know what you're doing."
Me: "I'll try to figure it out."
Guide: "Stop speaking as if you've already failed. You'll guarantee it."
Me: "I suppose you're right. But it's difficult. To me, everything has a chance of failure."
Guide: "I know. But you don't have to say it."
Me: "I suppose you're right. I just want to be... Accurate. I don't want to say I'm going to do something and then fail... Because if that happens it becomes a bother."
Guide: "I'm aware..."
Guide: "You should leave."
Me: "Should I?"
Guide: "Your timer will go off soon."
Me: "I thought so too. Should I not stay until it goes off?"
Guide: "No. No, you shouldn't. It's a (mumbles). So go ahead and leave now. I'll be waiting."
Me: "Okay. I'll see you soon Mary."
Guide: "Yes. You will."
End 7:56 CST