The voice startled me!
: umm..oh Aoi chan!
: yes! It was taking a long, so I came to check on you!
: Yes I am coming out!
I thought I would get out of the toilet once she was gone. I did not want to take the risk of showing my burning face.
: "Are you alright, Maki-chan!" She sounded worried.
Damn! I find no possibility of an escape.
I came out and made a failed effort to smile & wave!
She understood whatever it was, and we went back to the group together.
The food has arrived.
We ate and talked a lot about our usual fascination with Anime and our aspirations about the little dream we are proceeding toward, together.
And the common feeling of it is extremely warm and dazzling which makes my heart tickle!
The blush when Subaki directly talks with Mashiro is visibly certain, at least cannot escape my subtle observance.
She is in love with him.
Not attraction or temporary fascination.
But love.
"Ahh! Love! Never fell into my grasp no matter how much I yearned for it" I thought bitterly.
How I wish to fall in love and be swiped away by that irrational, absurd turmoil.
I am quite old compared to other members, and I am the eldest among all. I said that I am 29, right?
And Aoi-chan is my immediate Junior here but still way too young! She just graduated from university.
The rest of them are literally kids to me, either preparing for the university entrance exam or finishing higher secondary school.
Normally, at my a,ge people get married and even have one or two kids!
And actually not just people of my age. Not many of my juniors but bleeding most of them are married and even got kids!
So I have a pretty good idea of peer pressure and all.
And here I am, giggling, spending time, laughing like a teenager with some equally younger-aged people!
Needless to say, the continuous push from the family for marriage is another nightmare.
And good grief, not only family!
Every single person around me never forgets once to remind me about my marriage!
As if me, not getting married is a substantial amount of daily monetary loss for them!
Heaven save me!
I feel like anytime soon a random stranger from the road will catch me off guard and ask me "Why are you unmarried still!"
Sometimes I even get nightmares like all the acquaintances are turning into zombies and dragging me to the hell while screaming like hollow, ghosts "Why are you not getting married!"
Seven bleeding hells save me!
However, when I nor have any flaws that might provide a reasonable excuse, it is quite bothersome to deal with frequently for being unmarried even for not having a boyfriend.
I mean what can I do!
Falling in love is a mystery I yearned to solve but never could.
I wished to fall in love with e every guy I look at! I tried harder to fall for whoever proposed to s me!
Good-breaking-lord I even went into a relationship officially hoping that will make me fall in love!
And even when that perfect relationship of mine did not eventually work out, I found myself in grave despair thinking perhaps, God somehow forgot to drop that emotion inside me!
Not to mention, thinking about arranged marriage sends chills to my spine, another nightmare.
I never could bring myself to even face a single person my family tried to set me up with!
They had only asked me to just casually meet, have a chat, and assess superficial compatibility. If things seem alright, take it to the further step and if it is negative then move on! As reasonable as that.
Yet, I just could not stand the idea, it literally creeps me out.
Yes! Sometimes I did feel a certain glow from time to time for those passing guys in my life.
But that's it.
Even there were things like I longed for a guy who was almost beyond my league. Then as obtrusive as it sounds, that guy asked me out. And after some time, I lost all inerest in him.
It happened a couple of more times later.
Trust me, it is a scary feeling.
Which gradually made into e a paranoid pulp.
Almost no materialistic features of a man interest me.
I do not understand what is so special about a thin chin or prominent collarbone, or even 6 packs!
Seriously.
Physical building was never alluring enough to attract me.
Those types of specific fascination are beyond my comprehension.
Not that I am asserting myself to be superior.
Rather it just had never occurred in me nor developed any preference in my conscious mind.
Perhaps because of being a bookworm, cinema enthusiast,st and to add more spice grownup g as a lone-she-wolf has triggered my rational thinking onto a different level than normal people.
Also even though I grew up in hardship, that has made me more of a rational and sensible person.
And all of these combinations have sort of turned me into a soul who defies and nullifies any unreasonable touch of emotions, as an auto-mechanism of self-protection.
Well! Whatever it is.
Falling in love has been a luxury to me that I never could afford.
Also for the end result of 'losing-interest' in those practical experiments, sure made me paranoid enough not to indulge e any sort of tingling-crush sensation further than just a feeling!
This is why I am going to just ignore whatever I felt a while ago or feeling.
Mashiro until he gives up which he will.
I ought to make him.
I looked at Mashiro.
My heart felt a little heavier.