Ten years ago, when I first met her at Wlynina Academy. This was when I was not yet a professional player and before my parents considered my existence.
"Ah, that brat is causing trouble again."
"You're right. This time he beat a student from another school just for fun. That would make the students of that school come to our school to look for him. Finally, a fight between our school and that school ensued. The name of our school will again be bad because of him."
"You're right. It's all because of him. Our school went bad because of him."
I heard what they said in the toilet. I accidentally overheard their conversation. They're talking about me. That's why I immediately went over there and grabbed his shirt.
"Don't talk about other people if that person is there. Also, don't be a person who is pretentious about what you're talking about that person. You only see from your side, not from that person's side. So..."
Before I could hit him, his friend begged me for mercy, begging me to let him go.
"Anton, forgive us. Please, let go of my friend. Don't hurt him!"
I let them go. I can feel sorry for the look on his pitiful face.
Being a thug since junior high is what I do every day. Everyone treated me with a bad attitude and with bad judgment. Because I am a thug, even at this new school, I've had a bad opinion of them.
I have reasons for making myself this way. I have a reason that I'm still holding on to until they see me. I am like this because I need attention and affection from them. I want people to realize that I am around them. I want them to see me as a human being around them. I am like this because of my parents.
Since childhood, I have never felt the love of my parents. They continue to be busy with their affairs and work abroad, rarely even being able to go home. Even when I had an accident and almost died, they were still busy with their business and work abroad. They saw me as something they no longer needed, like an object.
I need their attention. I will do whatever it takes to get the attention of the people around me and to fill the void in my heart.
I am known as a thug. That's what happened at this school. They considered me to be filled with violence, even close to killing someone. The thoughts in their brains about me are already very bad. Even so, I still need them and their concern about me as a human being.
"Attack!!!"
We started a fight and made our school worse. This is all because that school beat and stabbed students from my school. I and some other students didn't accept that. As a result of that, we started the brawl.
As the leader of the gang of delinquents at my school, I am the one who is seen as responsible for all of this. And when the police arrested us, I was the one who was told to be responsible for the other students from my school. The school is the same way. They think I'm the one who should be responsible. Even so, I still accept that, take responsibility, and accept whatever they give.
I was suspended for three months and had to be viewed by society as a bad person who was put on the blocked names. Once again, I have got their attention. Even if their concern isn't about affection, it doesn't matter. I have shown that I exist worldwide as long as it gets attention.
I hope my parents see me and think I exist like them. I want them to see me. I want them to come home and give their love to me.
The moment when I returned to Wlynina Academy after going through three months of suspension, I was even more feared by the students and teachers. At the same time, I felt how badly their gazes were directed at me. I started to worry and felt they hated me, not as a student, but as a human being. I went back to school with no one to talk to me, and that was during the first semester.
When the second semester started, when all the students returned with their enthusiasm, I returned with their hateful gazes. I was again exiled by them, just like before the end of the first semester. And this happened one month after the second semester started.
They noticed me because of my bad behavior, but none of them wanted to be friends with me. They're afraid they'll get into trouble for being friends with me. It made them choose to stay away from me. They think it's better to stay away from me than to be friends with me.
"What the hell... Doesn't that mean they're just like them?"
I finally realized that even getting their attention was not enough. I didn't get what I wanted, love to fill the void in my heart. Even if I have their attention, I still feel lonely. This loneliness in me, this emptiness in my heart, and what I want is what I don't get because of my behavior. They are just like my parents, seeing me as something that shouldn't be in their life.
"I should have just died then."
I hope I die according to what they want. Maybe their lives would be much better without me. They and my parents would be happy if I weren't around. I thought of ending my life. Because no matter what I do, I can't find anything that can fill this void in my heart.
"I want to be loved and feel affection, but why is it so hard? Why can't I find something that other people have? Why is my life like this?"
Seeing a kid being carried by his mother and buying ice cream from his father, I feel jealous, to be honest. They got attention and affection from their parents, while I was treated like an object my parents no longer needed. I truly envy those who get affection and are treated as a child.
I have been haunted by thoughts of ending my life and dilemma for the past month. Even at school, I started to feel uncomfortable—because I was ostracized by my classmates, students, and even teachers. When I needed my parents' presence, they never came and paid attention to my living conditions. All this felt like I was meant to die to make them happy.
I thought it was time to go and let go of all this suffering.
But when that girl came—the girl who never came to school because she was too busy with her work and who was the center of attention—my life began to change.
She is Karina Martin, a very popular young actress in this country. She arrived in her private car before the break ended. All the students and even the teachers welcomed her like someone special. They gathered in the courtyard just to let her into the school.
"Is that what you want, being the center of people's attention? You'll never get that as long as you can't be like her!" The counseling teacher, who was standing beside me, suddenly said.
I was surprised to hear that. I was curious and also confused about whether she was teasing me or motivating me. After all, it's the first time someone has spoken to me since then.
"How can she get attention, but no one hates her?" I said in my mind, seeing her get out of the car to be greeted by many people.
I started thinking about the girl. I searched for her on the internet and found she is a very popular actress and is idolized by people in the country. It motivated me to approach her, to find out how to be the center of attention without anyone hating.
I have tried various ways to approach her. But I also get difficult things. The students seemed not to allow me to meet her. They prevented me because I didn't deserve to meet her. They still know me as a bad person.
Until finally, I managed to meet her because of the counseling teacher. She called Karina Martin and me because she knows one thing about me. She knows what Karina Martin has, but I can't get it. She took us to her room, the counseling room.
After a few small talks—introducing each other—the counseling teacher left the room. She looks like she's left me alone with Karina Martin in the room. She pretended to go to the teacher's room with the excuse of having been summoned by a teacher, and I knew it was a lie.
An awkward feeling that's what I feel when I'm alone with her in this room. Karina Martin was beside me without looking at me, looking graceful with her aura of popularity. Of course, I didn't dare to talk or start a conversation with her. I feared she would hate me, too, just like the other students.
"I know you. I got bad rumors about you from my friends and teachers."
The moment I looked around the room—because I felt awkward—she started the conversation, even if she spoke without looking at me.
"You are a bad student at this school. You are a delinquent."
She did not turn her head toward me when she spoke. It made me feel like she didn't see me as a person to talk to. That's very disrespectful. Even so, I still responded, but in the same; speak without looking at the person speaking.
"It turns out that what they were thinking was only coming from their eyes," I replied with a slight smile.
I am aware of the behavior they see me as. They see me in their eyes, not by my side. That's why I smile.
"Then, you think it's cool? What are you doing that's cool for you?" She asked, folding her left leg over her right.
I saw her legs which were wrapped in black stockings by accident. She folded her legs so that they caught my eye.
"Am I cool? I don't think I'm cool. I don't think you and them are cool."
"Then why did you become a thug and make the school's name bad? Do you need attention from around you? You've got their attention, haven't you?"
It seems she knows what happened to me. She even knew I had their attention.
"Was that fun for you?" She asked, turning her head towards me suddenly. It took me by surprise and almost threw me back.
I can't answer the question. I was very surprised by the appearance of her beautiful face suddenly. I was like a nail hit with a hard hammer, stuck and unable to move.
"That's not fun. Being the center of attention isn't fun. They will judge everything about you. They will always judge your bad, good, and original attitude. Every time you do something bad, they will judge you badly. Every time you do something good, they will judge you with kindness. That's what they do to you."
"Ah, hahaha..." I responded with a chuckle.
"Besides, they'll trap you in prison they created. You can't move because you're there. They've trapped you. You can't get away from them. You can't go anywhere. Attention isn't fun. Then why do you want to be the center of attention when I'm so fed up with it? Is that fun for you?"
"Well..."
"Why do you want to get that?"
Somehow I suddenly spoke about my condition to her. I don't seem to mind talking about me to her. I have to open up to her. Or, maybe this is what I need, someone who can listen to my plight.
I told her the reason why I wanted to get their attention. Of course, all because I want people to think I exist. Everyone should see me, including my parents. I don't want to be someone who doesn't exist in this world. All this was because my parents saw me as something they no longer needed.
After I told her about my condition, she lifted her sexy right side lip and eyebrows and smiled.
"You became a delinquent just because of that? That's very funny. Getting their attention is not easy. I understand why you chose that way."
I responded by nodding.
"You have chosen the wrong path in life. You have stepped on the wrong path even if you don't get their love. For me, it will be a motivation. I will not easily collapse if those around me don't love me. I will find a way to make them realize I need their love. Not to be a thug, but myself. I will show them all the achievements that I got. Then I will make them realize that I can. They will see me as someone who has achieved achievements that they cannot be achieved. They will be jealous and start to approach me. Eventually, I become the center of attention, and I am considered to be in the world by them."
I was devastated by her words. It seemed to describe me if I chose a different path in life.
"So, Anton..."
I was very surprised she found out and called me by my first name.
"Show your achievements to the world. They will see you as a human being. You will be the center of attention for your achievements, not as a thug. You will be very hated for being a bad person, but you will be loved if you become a good person full of achievements they can't get. I'm sure your parents will be proud of you. They must think of you as their son. They will uphold your name and say to everyone, 'Hey, he's my son. We are very proud of him'."
I was motivated by those words from her. She is the girl who suddenly came and motivated me and set the right direction for me. Thanks to her arrival, I knew what I had to do to get my parents to see me as their son.
"Wouldn't it be nicer to find the right path?" She continued, smiling at me.
That happened ten years ago when she changed my life with her words.
***
Ten years later...
"Karina Martin, you... It's true. I'm sorry for almost forgetting you."
After saying that, I leaned back in the gaming chair after pressing the "start" button on the EVO game app on my computer screen.
"I will meet you. Wait for me!"
I closed my eyes, and I entered the world of EVO games.
But after a while, when I woke up with my character in Ricky's inn room, Alice, who was suddenly beside me, grabbed and pulled my hand.
"Good thing you're awake," Alice said.
"Alice, why are you here?"
"Come with me! I need you now!"
She pulled me out, not letting me ask her questions.
Arriving at Ricky's reception desk, Alice let me pass. I passed Ricky, who greeted me with a wave of his hand. And before I knew it, I had passed a woman with bright blue hair looking thoughtful.
We walked out of the inn, and Alice still didn't explain why she had taken me with her.
"Alice, why did you-"
"Don't be fussy or ask questions! Shut up and come with me!"
What? Why is she so aggressive? Is she angry? What the hell is this?