DANA
Once again, a mixture of emotions flooded me. This time, it was Zyril who held me while I mourned. I cried my heart out. Regrets, misery, sadness and all the bad things I could possibly feel was right there on that specific moment.
The receptionist waited until I calmed down a little and opened the door. I held Zyril's hand firmly as I entered. I know I cannot look at him in that state without losing myself, but I had to. I needed to make sure it was him. or to make sure it wasn't.
The lighting was dim, only a sole faint light on the center of the room was illuminating the small, gloomy space. In the middle was the table, and on it, was a form covered with a white linen. I swear for a second my heart stopped seeing it. Zyril grabbed my hand tightly.
"I'll leave you to it, Miss Dana. I'll be outside if you need anything." – the receptionist said and left us
It was Zyril who's the stronger one between us and took three steps forward near the table. She held the end of the blanket and with one look at me, pulled it down until we… until we saw his face. Dad. I was shaking and I wanted to look away but I know if I won't look at him now, I would live to regret not being able to say goodbye.
"Zy, can you give me a moment?"
Zyril was sobbing but she gave me a nod and walked to the door's direction, leaving me alone with my thoughts and the lifeless form of the only family I have, right in front of me and the longer I look at him, the more the pain intensifies. But this, this is goodbye.
It's hard to see life just sift away from the person you owe everything to. it takes all of me to stand in there in front of him and fight every urge not to break down. That moment was the hardest I had to endure. Dad deserves it. He deserves a proper farewell. I took a step closer and with a shaking voice, I said my last words to him.
"Dad… you look peaceful, don't you? I guess you're in a better place now. you've rested… finally. I know the next years would be very hard, I'm… I lost you now. I'm alone, officially. But you taught me well. You're the best business mentor there is and I know you won't be gone. your teachings, your influence, your strength, it's all on me dad, and I… I swear to you. I will take care of the company as my family now. you don't need to worry about it. I'll… I'll continue your legacy. I'll be the new CEO. Goodbye, dad. I hope you find your peace. I love you."
It's a promise that I will treasure forever. It is something that I will not exchange with anything because the price paid was too high. The loss is incomparable with anything.
Goodbye, Dad.
Two weeks after and I won't lie but the transition to a life without him was more than hard, it was intolerable. I would not say that I was weaned as a spoiled brat but all my life, he has been there. he has been more than a father to me. He has been a coach, a mentor, a friend and a competent business partner. He will always be more than a father to me, and I count myself more than privileged to have experienced those things with him.
Whoever said to say goodbye is easy can go straight to hell. As we all gather here in a huge white tent, with our last words of goodbye still stuck on our throats, waiting for the perfect opportunity to blurt them out on the casket, I knew that this may be the hardest thing I have to do ever. Beside me was Zyril, wearing a black dress, the color of the occasion. She had been crying since we got here, occasionally wiping the sides of her eyes with a small hankie. While I… not a tear in sight. It's not that I was acting tough, but… I don't know. I couldn't cry. And perhaps that was the saddest thing to ever happen. When you've become too numb for the pain that no tears may ever justify.
"Zyril, please…. Pull yourself together." – I said in a whisper. The pastor was about to finish his sermon and moments from now, we would be saying goodbye to him, as his casket would be pushed down six feet under the ground.
"I'm sorry, Miss Dana. I can't help it."
"at least do something about it. you look like you're the daughter, not me."
She nodded and got herself a flowery handkerchief from her front pocket. She cleared her throat, trying to get rid of the unstoppable tears.
Three men stood up. I recognized them from the company. They were on the side of the pastor the next minute, slightly lowering the casket. What are they doing? I haven't said goodbye yet!
"no!" – I stood up and shouted. And then all pairs of eyes were looking at me
"There's nothing to worry, dear. We are just adjusting the stand of the casket. It's fine. We will proceed with the original plan." – the pastor said in a very calm voice
"okay. sorry for the…. The… whatever."
I sat down, embarrassed. At least none in the audience laughed about what I did. Or maybe some did. I don't care. My judgments are all blurry now. finally, the pastor has given his signal and one by one, people came to say their goodbyes.
Everyone was carrying a single white rose. I scoffed. Whoever thought of that idea mustn't have been thinking. Dad hates flowers, he's allergic to them. Not that it matters, but I don't think to give him those in his grave wasn't the most genius idea I ever known.