Everyone has something they regret. A mistake that if they could, they would be happy to erase, and so do I. Because of my mistake, there is a rift between my father and I. We don't talk about it much. Sometimes it even feels like nothing ever happened, but it's only a temporary illusion. How it happened or should I say how it all started was because of a train.
To think I was told that this piece of metal was the essence of progress and that my life would be better for it. Yet, what has this world's progress done for me, except bring a monster into my life.
A bitter smiled came to my lips. Thought of him was both bitter and sweet. His light-colored skin and dark eyes that were flawless. His short curly hair and innocent face that I grew to love and admire. His soothing voice and bright, warm smile that was contagious.
I shook my head to rid myself of those thoughts.
How could I still feel for him after what he did to my family? What he did to me?
I thought back to when the railways were being built in my town and of Mr. Turner's words, and I believing them when I set eyes on the man that would change my life forever. What a fool I was!
Now you might be thinking, as most people do, that using my past pains to condemn trains is wrong. But it's a good thing I don't care about the thoughts of others. I won't deny that they do appear to be another glorious invention made by man.
Trains are meant to be the symbol of growth and development, and to bring us closer together. But what good is all that when life suffers because of it? How far will a people go until they've had enough? How long until a nation is satisfied with their progress? No one cares about the beautiful flowers that are crushed in the wake of progress, because with progress, comes sacrifice.
As a girl, I remember listening to love stories and imagining how one day the love of my life would enter into my life just as romantically as the ones in those stories. Mark certainly did walk into my world in the most romantic way possible. He had traveled by train to our town to be a student under my father. He was respected by everyone in the town, and practically all the girls loved him, but the only girl he had his eye on was me. I fell in love with him. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
"Did you enjoy your nap?"
My father's words shook me from my thoughts. His eyes rested on me; they were kind and sincere, eyes that I had betrayed. Guilt rose within me.
"I'd rather not say."
"You dreamed something didn't you? Was it good?"
I shifted my gaze to avoid his eyes.
Father laughed. "It was that good huh?"
Good wouldn't be the term I would use. Memories of my dream came back to me. I had almost forgot how I was like back then as a little girl. Why would I dream about the day Father took me to the Green Book? What happened while I was away? The more I thought about it, the more suspicious I became.
I looked straight ahead and noticed that the boy, who I had chatted with, was fast asleep and his father was quietly reading something.
"How long was I asleep?" I had decided to ignore Father's question and my growing suspicions for now.
"For a while, and I do believe I heard you snore." Now that we were further from the North, his smooth southern accent was returning.
I turned to face him. "I think you heard wrong."
Father chuckled at my response. I should have known better than to react. It just feeds into his teasing side.
"These ears never lie." he smiled, tapping an ear. "But I do get surprised once in awhile by what they pick up." He leaned towards me and raised his brows, suggestively.
I did my best not to roll my eyes. "There's nothing wrong with snoring." I commented, leaning away from him. His breath smelled a little off. "Lots of people snore."
"Ah ha! So, you admit it!"
"I don't admit to anything, except resting my eye."
"And slobbering on your grandmother's gloves."
"What!?"
I looked down at the blue powder gloves that used to belong to my grandma. And sure enough, there was a dried outline of a blob where slobber used to be. My heart sank at the sight of it. I slowly took of the gloves and held them in my hands.
"Why do you look surprised? Didn't think I saw that glob of spit trailing down your face and destroying a family heirloom?" An evil smile spread across his face.
"You of all people should know that I have keen eyes, but honestly..."
I blocked out the rest of what Father was saying and just stared at the gloves. Though I knew the stain could easily be washed off, I still felt bad. My grandma gifted me these when I was 15 as I sign of me becoming a woman. So, they were always special to me.
"But back to your dream."
Did he seriously want to continue that conversation?
"When you were snoring, my ears also picked up some mumbling. Once you had said something about flowers and a book." Father leaned back and crossed his hands. "Do you mind telling me what you dreamed about?"
I didn't really want to tell him, but since he knew it had something to do with the book, Father wasn't asking me but demanding. I sighed.
"It was more of a memory than a dream…" I began. "Of when you brought me to the Inner Garden for the first time."
Father hummed knowingly.
"Yes. I remember.", he chuckled. "You had recently turned nine, and I wanted to commemorate that moment. So, I showed you the garden."
Father chuckled, "You were so excited. Did you dream anything else?"
"No." I wanted to end it there, but something was telling me to speak. "You know, things were better back then." Father looked at me as I continued. "We were happier, closer, but what I find odd is… that I even dreamt it."
Father looked off in deep thought and mumbled something to himself.
"Father" I said drawing his attention back, "about us hurrying back to the Manor, why is that again?"
But he didn't answer me but looked off into the distance as if he was studying something.
"How do you feel about the maze?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean" he turns to face me, "Do you still go into the maze?" he inquired.
"No." I answered honestly, not sure why he was asking.
"Why?" His breath was light and earnest, as he stared into my eyes. He genuinely wanted to know my reason. You're not restricted to enter."
"Why should I? There's nothing there for me. So why go in?"
"There's no reason for you not to, and you love walking in the gardens."
"Mm, yes, but that when I had a purpose."
Father's countenance fell at my words, and I knew I that what I had said probably hurt him, but I needed to finish
"My life was within that maze. It was the only reason why I entered it day after day, but now it's gone. And it's because of me."
"Ebony, probably here is not the place -"
But I didn't let him finish.
"I know we haven't spoken about what I did for some time, and you, Aunty M, Joseph," I grabbed his hands and everyone else have been so kind to me even after what I did. Even when I don't deserve it!"
It wasn't my intention to say all this. I didn't even know where this was coming from. I only wanted Father to tell me what was happening at home. But the more I spoke, the more I feared that my suspicions about my dream were true. That it was telling me that my chances to return to being the Guardian were slipping away from me, somehow, someway.
"I didn't mean to fall in love with Though it has been two years, I never told you how truly sorry I am! And how your kindness is tearing my apart!"
"Ebony!" Father clutched both of my wrists in one hand, silencing me. "We will finish this when we get home." he whispered through his teeth.
He released my wrists and abruptly turned away from me. I sat there stunned, unsure exactly what I had just did. I stared at his cold back, catching the mumbles and grunts that escaped his lips. I met eyes with some onlookers and averted myself away from their gaze. If only the seats could shield me from their stares, their scrutiny.
I looked at my father who stared off into the distance coldly, trying to maintain the image I had damaged once again. I reached a hand out to touch his back, but the energy around him told me to stop. That was it then, I had become what I had feared since the day I pledged for the Guardianship. I was rejected.
Time passed between us, and the sun was returning to its home within the horizon, casting an array of bright, vibrant colors. The air was still warm as day turned to evening and silence began to fall upon the inhabitants in the corridor. The sunset was truly beautiful. It eased my mind and the regret surrounding the painful memories of my past. A past that I will never be forgiven for.
~~~~~
'It seemed like just yesterday' I thought, 'that Aunty M and I where on a train traveling to Philadelphia to prepare for the wedding.
Philadelphia, one of the many cities my people have been moving to for better employment and protection of our rights. There's been quite a bit of hubbub about it in our town. My cousin Joseph had moved out of the estate a year ago and bought himself a house there. After he had met and fallen in love with Joann, he wanted a safer environment for his children. Soon after, Aunty M also had decided to move to Philadelphia and for obvious reasons.
I looked down at my powder blue gloves resting on my lap. I began toying with them in my hands, using my thumbs to stroke their soft material. They were simple. Nowhere near as grand as the ones you find at the dress shops, but they were beautiful all the same.
A scene of a starry night sky played through the pane window of the railway car. I stared thoughtfully at the bright stars that seemed to fly past through the air. Perhaps because it didn't hold the same memories as the gloves, that starry sky didn't seem as magnificent in my eyes. Or perhaps the events of the day were preventing me from appreciating the natural beauty.
For some time, I suppose, I've been preoccupied by that window. If some passerby had observed me, they might have perceived that I was deep in thought. But by then, I wasn't. I just sat there, watching the shadows created by the train casting its light upon the lush green lands and budding trees.
"It was a beautiful wedding, wasn't it?"
I turned my head away from the window at the sound of my father's voice. Neither of us have spoken to one another since my emotional confession.
His attentions were still elsewhere, denying my need to look upon his brown eyes. I remained silent, deciding it would be best, yet fate has a funny way of changing your plans.
"Ebony? Didn't you hear me? I said, wasn't Joseph's wedding lovely?"
He turned his eyes to rest on me, allowing me to gaze into his eyes once again.
"Mm.", I nodded, "Yes, it was a beautiful wedding. He couldn't have picked a better place."
"Or match." he added, smiling fondly. "Joann is such a kind and gentle creature, and so beautiful."
"Not to mention smart too." I added.
"Yes!" Father smiled, "That's what matters."
"Aunty M wasn't too sure at first though whether Seph liking Joan was a good thing." I remembered, happy to have any conversation going.
"Really?" Father asked. "And why is that?"
"Because she thought Joann was too good for him."
Father threw back his head and laughed.
"Well, Mariam does tend to worry some, but it all worked out in the end."
Father concluded his statement with a nod, before finally looking on into the distance.
"Yes, it did." I agreed softly.
And then, our talk was over. I gave a soft smile before shifting my gaze back to the window. Our conversation wasn't much, but at least it was something. I peered at the stars. Their glow now seemed to have captured a splendid appearance.
"Ebony," Father spoke just above a whisper. "When we get home, let's take a walk through the maze. Hmm?"