I have been working in my study since I came home from work. I feel that today was a really long day. I finally feel like taking a break after noticing that its eight thirty p.m. I go cook a quick meal for myself. After finishing and cleaning up I go take a long hot bath to relax. After putting on pajamas it's ten o'clock p.m. I feel better as I look through my scrapbook. For some reason I feel like looking at the pictures of my family and thinking about my life. As I look at them I remember what happened during the different phases I went through in my life. I remember losing family, getting hurt and not being able to change anything. I think about the brothers and sisters I've lost along the way and the fact I couldn't save them even if I was young and wasn't near them. How I was during school and not really putting my all into it because I felt bored when I could've done better. How I chose to live with my father instead of staying with my grandmother. I have made choices I wasn't proud of or felt I should've chosen left instead of right. I gave up my dream because I felt inferior and that I wouldn't be able to do it. I love my family don't get me wrong I just feel like my younger siblings got all my parents attention. They got to do whatever they wanted but our parents were so strict with me I couldn't really do anything. So I guess when I turned eighteen I was rebellious and wild but not much. I was never really a smoker nor drinker didn't really do drugs. I wasn't a bully although I did pick on cousins and siblings but not much in a bad way. I remember spending time together back in the day with all my family. Fighting with cousins over small things, spending time with my grandparents and other extended family. Our family was close when I was younger everyone would go to my grandfather's house during the holidays. As I got older we all drifted apart. Everyone lived far away, had their own family, or something else was going on. I missed seeing some family but what could I do I was young. Sometimes it felt like some of my family didn't like me but its not like I can change how they felt about me so I didn't associate with them much. Time came when I felt like there was ghost around me. I know it sounds crazy but if a door unlocked by itself and nobody was near it then how would anyone feel especially when you hear it click unlock and you look out the door and nobody is there because the whole family is already at home with you. Also there were a few more incidents where unexplained and unexpected things happened. I was scared but what could I do but pray that everything would be alright. Finally we moved back to our other house and it was a little better. Of course my parents said they heard things even in this house but the other incidents didn't happen so I wasn't as scared as I used to be since I've stayed in this house and nothing happened then. I didn't think about it much as I got older. Along the way I lost my favorite aunt to an illness that has no cure. I lost an older brother that I didn't know so I don't know the whole story but since he passed away I lost my mother because of the choices she made so we were far apart from each other. I still talk to her every now and then. I lost my last older brother to a drowning because he went to the river with some friends. From what I heard he was pushed by a boy that was the same age as me and the current pulled him under because he was pulled into the whirlpool that was nearby. The undercurrent carried him far away. It was my father who had to identify him. The sad thing is we were out walking that day and said let's go to the river but instead we headed home. We heard about him being pulled into the river whirlpool so we went to see if they found him as soon as we heard but they hadn't at that time. Although we were close in age we weren't very close since him and our other brother lived with their mother. I talk to my brother every now and then so we still aren't that close since life gets in way. I lost two sisters and and a brother who was younger to a house fire they died with a few other children holding each other apparently the person watching them got out safe with a baby. There's more to the story but since I was young at the time I didn't really get the full story. I don't want to make my father upset so I don't want to ask him. I tried to look it up but with few details it's hard to find out. From what I have heard they could've been saved because people saw them at the window asking for help. At the time they lived in another state with their mother after she got a divorce from our father because he got into a car accident. It was a terrible car accident he had. When I first found out I screamed and cried. My father was in a coma for a while and lost an eye and had two metal rods put in his body and lost his ability to bend his arm. I a happy he's still alive though so thanking God for letting him live. When we went to see my father on the way there we were almost hit by a train. I wasn't scared seeing him in the state of being hooked up to machines with a tube in his throat although everyone thought I would be. I felt sorry for him because his wife left him during the time he needed her most. I went to live with him when he got home since he was going to be alone. I regret leaving my grandmother because she's been a mother to me every since I can remember. I didn't think my dad would get remarried so I didn't want him to be alone so I just felt it was alright to go live with him. Turns out I should've just stayed with my grandmother don't get me wrong my father's alright just when he got remarried I felt left out so I wanted to go back to my grandmother house but he wouldn't let me. My stepmother was cool as well so I don't have anything against her she like a second mother to me after my grandmother. She recently passed away due to heart/health problems. I didn't know she was sick until I called the time I went back to my hometown and saw her for the last time she was tired but we talked for a little bit. I regret not being close to my family but my father has fifteen children maybe more. I might have a older sister that I don't know about is what I heard from my aunt about a girl who looks like me but she didn't really know much so I couldn't find out more. I might not know my siblings well but I love them and talk to some of them every now and then. My regrets my be small and not as serious as some people. I have gone through a few phases such as being a neet where I stayed at home not doing anything but what I wanted for a short period of time. I also developed a phobia it might be hard to believe but I had agoraphobia for awhile after watching true crime shows where crimes occurred when people were out of their house. I know crimes can occur anywhere anytime but at the time it felt safer being at home because my house at the time had protection screens on the windows and screen doors. It was thanks to my baby I finally got over it I felt even if something happened it was Gods will and my baby needed to be outside seeing the world. My children needed to experience life and see the world. After looking at the pictures and going through my thoughts and memories I felt it was time for me to rest. I couldn't fall asleep because I kept thinking about my past. My child grew up healthy, happy, and super smart. My children are super smart but didn't feel motivated to do school work. Being overly sensitive didn't help because people now days are harsh and they don't seem to care like back in the past. Taking what people say literally and at face value instead of being able to joke around much. I love my children very much and know that they take everything what people say seriously but they're my heart as long as they don't discriminate and bully I feel that's good. They're healthy and happy doing what they want with they're life instead of following the crowd I'm happy. I want they're dreams to come true. I regret not doing more with my children because I didn't want them to miss out on anything . I don't know how to express my emotions which always gives me a hard time but I tell them I love them every day. I know sometimes they may not feel like I show them my feelings but I do it in my own way so they can feel my loving feelings. I wish I could be reassured that they understand that everything I do for them is what I think is right and for they're own good. Since COVID was going around they didn't understand why they had to be at home but at the same time they did. Explaining things over an over again is something I don't always want to do because I feel half the time they do it on purpose but I do let them know what they need to know. However I talk fast and my voice is soft so they don't take me serious. I worked on it but I can't change how my voice sounds so next best thing would be calling their full name. That usually works because I usually call them by their nickname. My children are a little spoiled which I regret letting them get that way. I don't give in to them unless it's absolutely necessary like if they will learn something useful, play sports and something they really need. For the most part my children didn't throw tantrums at the store. My older child did a few times of crying to come home from preschool. My second child tantrums are mostly due to not wanting to go to school or outfits he wanted to wear to school. My children got better as they got older. I didn't push my children to do what I wanted them to do nor what I didn't get to do when I was younger. I let them follow their own interest. I don't want to push them to compete in competitions but if they want to sign up for something they feel great about then I will support them. The last thing that went through my mind before I fell asleep was if I could do everything all over again.
—NEET, an acronym for "Not in Education, Employment, or Training", refers to a person who is unemployed and not receiving an education or vocational training.
—Agoraphobia is a type of anxiety disorder. A person with agoraphobia is afraid to leave environments they know or consider to be safe. In severe cases, a person with agoraphobia considers their home to be the only safe environment. They may avoid leaving their home for days, months or even years.