I felt a hand resting on me as soft as the woman who must hate me. I turned thinking it was her. I met Tamar. Again I felt the fury of my behavior. I fell to the ground and ask her for forgiveness because she holds the realm of everything of evil that befell on her and other woman. I did not want to let her feet go until she cleaned me with her forgiveness. With the pureness of her soul she forgave me not knowing what it is about.
However, the result was peace so eternal and clean that I just did not want to let go. Again I asked forgiveness which another man should have done but it is way too late for him. Tamar has no hate in her. She told me her brother had enough for both of them. I felt sorry for this beautiful woman so desolate and alone, she is suffering still and in silence just like my mother.
"You must love again I told her because it will make you whole again" I said.
"I cannot for it is a choice of my own son of Ribqah. I cannot give a half being to another. That life was taken from me and perhaps that is what God want from me".
"Then you must have a cruel God, Tamar!"
"From what I have heard a moment ago you prayed to the same God and wanted the same peace."
I cannot dispute what she just said because I found myself speaking often to this unknown God. We talked until the evening and it felt good to speak with her. I returned to my place of rest with a friendship I know will be lasting.
Tamar knew my truth and I hers as a strong unbreakable bond unfolded. She never judged me when I told her of my intentions, maybe she can relate but I felt free when I opened up to her.
As a man I am still disgusted by my actions so when I came home my mother sensed it and enquire about it. I am too ashamed. Just imagine sharing something as vulgar as what she has been exposed to. What will she think of her son almost falling prey to the very deed that placed her in solitude?
The next day I walked in a show arranged by Michal for the king. I was closely watched but I did not fall for the seductive dance from the Temptress.
I looked at her with guilt and something much purer hidden from all, even myself. Now and then the evil wants to escape from me but I suppress it. Passing the Altar this morning I prayed for strength and again forgiveness. Michal left us to bored by my expression of which was controlled but she will not know.
While dancing the temptress did not turn my way once so I had to endure the hip swinging suggestively for my king. The dancing ended and the dancer were asked to leave us. She passes me as I stood up to go to the king while our bodies accidently touching.
The look she gave me was so sad and in it I read something different but I thought it to be fear for the monster I thought I have become.
The king looked at me and asked "have something happened"?
I simply do not understand did the temptress confessed to the king, I wondered. Be as it may I am here now and I can take about all punishment that should befall me.
"Son you look different and more at ease, light hearted if I may. My God is working on you I know. I am proud you seem as contented as young Solomon. Will you look after him when I am gone he asked me straight?"
"As you wish my lord I said and with that he looked at me for a while before he gets deeper into his calling of always doing what his God is asking and his faith in his God. Sometimes I am lost in the stories that the king shares with me and starting to ponder over the faith that he has.
How he had everything to nothing and always on the run but never did he stop believing that there is reason to it all? He spoke of his son Absolom how he longed for him but knows he could not mend what was broken. His last straw of reconciliation was the concubine's humiliation.
"I would have gladly given my son everything but he lost his way with God and so doing me. I wished I could have tuned my children's heart towards me but it is not to be. I see in your eyes time and again what a fool I am like my wife Michal but I was given a task by my God and I succeeded in it and something other suffered, my family! So I will be making changes soon before I die".