Lair put my arm around her shoulders, lifted me up, and slowly walked out of the market.
We rented an apartment near the Cathedral. Sitting down on the wooden bed, I became numb, but then gradually regained my composure.
She ran out and asked the innkeeper to make a cup of hot tea. Sitting next to the bed, Lair blew each breath, bringing it to my mouth.
One sip at a time.
"What are you doing? Help a three-year-old to drink water?"
"No. I am helping an uncle in his thirties drink tea. Probably so…"
"Found yourself really good at joking hah? I can drink it myself, don't worry."
Setting the teacup down on the table, I turned to give a cough, trying to sound like it wasn't a big deal.
I have to ask her about the forgotten others in my memory. It will eventually come to light, sooner or later.
"Do you know where Rolas is?"
"Rolas? Is he one of your friend? You haven't told me about him I think… How would I know!"
"You… don't know? Like you have no clue who the person is?"
"Of course I will remember him if I have met him. Or am I forgetting something?"
A few minutes later, thanks to my efforts, she also remembered the missing friend. But the situation is not much better.
It seems like both of us completely forgot about Rolas, and whether or not there was even a person named Rolas for a long time.
The girl couldn't hide her shock, but panicking now wouldn't solve the problem.
Suddenly, the image of a strange woman convulsing, hugging the bleeding wound on her chest appeared in my mind.
"Pain… It hurts. Please, someone put an end to it…"
I felt intense pain, my heart was burned by a smoldering fire, my mind slowly died in the abyss of despair.
"Lair… I feel so short of breath… Strange images popped into my head again. Damn it, why does it hurt so much this time?"
"What do you mean? Like the day in the ambush? Ray, look at me, can you concentrate!"
"I… I need to go there. Right now, before it's too late."
"Wait, Ray! Where are we going? What happened to you all of the sudden!"
My cognition, as if it was no longer my own, controlled this helpless body and quickly leaving the inn, rushing to a place I didn't know.
But the feeling was so real, it felt like it was my decision to do what I should have known.
Lair also rushed after me.
A dark alley… a dilapidated house… a room full of the smell of fresh blood.
But it was not the fishy smell of flesh and blood, but the fragrance, a fragrance that was difficult to describe in words.
Yet somehow, I was able to recognize it.
And then the pain came again, I fell down on my knees, so strong that it seemed to collapse the weak floor.
My heart constricted.
I couldn't hear Lair's voice anymore, and no matter how much she screamed, all efforts were in vain.
The door of the room suddenly opened, a girl with silver hair dyed red with blood stains, jade eyes like the color of the deep blue ocean.
What a… a beautiful girl. The robe and scarf that were painted with the motifs of the Reitina Cathedral also made me suspicious of this girl's identity.
And then she came towards us, clutching the deep laceration in her chest, the drops of blood shone in the night, like black tears still flowing from a dead heart.
Deep blue eyes look to a faraway place, the corners of the eyelids drop each drop of crimson pomegranate...
Crying blood.
The pain seemed to disappear completely, when my thinking was instinctively focused on this girl.
An enchanting beauty, the beauty of fresh blood and unspeakable pain.
I no longer know what I am here for, but if I have to go through all the miserable physical torture, the mental breakdown in exchange for a moment to look at that silver hair, at those eyes with drops of blood like black tears in the dark night, I am ready.
Is it because inherently on this journey, I no longer have any expectations, any purpose?
I want to go back to that family with those sick people, to end the fear that lurks in my mind forever, but in the end there is not even a single solution to make, to save them.
Was it too hard, or was it just because I was too soft on myself?
Really… More than anyone else, this moment, I know I am changing.
I didn't like flesh and blood, the instinctive pleasures that people of my bloodline took for granted, but now I can't recognize myself...
Since when did I enjoy the pleasure of body with S, since when did I start doing meaningless things like going against my own decisions, against the woman's sacrifice who has always protected me, to go back to that damn house again?
I have a purpose of my own, but I can't see for myself how vague it is, and that sometimes, sometimes... all of my choices up to now have been lies, justifications for my failure, my own inferiority.
After all, I am running away from my family, to achieve what?
I go back there, to satisfy whom?
What do these memories, the person I consider to be my old self, really want?
Or maybe it doesn't even exist, to have a purpose in life.
And now, I'm being captivated by a dying girl, sitting in a house that smells of fresh blood and feeling like I've seen heaven.
If… this is no longer me, if I, am not the same me, then… who am I?
Raymond Scottfield, who exactly is this guy?
The strange woman suddenly talked to me.
"You are waking up, from your deprived mind. Who are you… What do you call yourself?"
"I? Ray… Raymond Scottfield?"
"No… that person is not you. Live for yourself, even for once."
"What are you saying? I do not…"
"Your name. What really is your name?"
I thought, I can only believe in myself, living in this cruel world.
But now, even myself, is a fake.
Words uttered from my mouth. And in that brief moment, I saw myself, Raymond Scottfield, smiling at me.
"My name is Ce… Cecile Scottfield?"