"Hey!" I shouted over to the group of players about to head into the cave.
Sure, they were likely going to kill what I wanted to tame for sexual purposes, but there was still a chance that they could be reasoned with.
I also made sure to switch back over to being a paladin before trying to grab their attention. If we got into a fight, I wasn't going to let Thera do all the work.
"What?" one of the men in the group shouted back in response. With one shut eye, scars all over his body, and a huge metal sword that looked more like a slab of iron than a proper weapon, he looked like some sort of edgelord roleplayer.
"I don't suppose you guys are after the cave to mine the nodes in it or anything like that, are you?" I asked.
"Does it matter?"
Yeah, he was definitely trying to be edgy. Either that or he was just naturally in a bad mood and the kind of guy who I struggled to get along with. "Just wondering. We've been looking around for this cave for a couple of hours now."
"Yeah, well, so have we, and we found it first."
"You sure about that?"
"We're closer to it."
"That doesn't mean you found it first. I might have seen it from the distance before you saw it. You just happened to be closer to it."
"Why should I care? All that matters is who gets to claim the rewards first. Unless you're planning on paying us more than what the cave has to offer, we'll be taking it for ourselves."
The few people with him chuckle and give him playful smacks on the back aside from the shortest member of their party who is hanging out behind the rest. I couldn't see much of them because of everybody else in the way, though. There was also the fact that they were totally covered by a robe and hood.
"Darling, should I expect a fight actually worth my time?" Thera asked as she rested her hands on the pommels of her blades.
"Well… these guys do rub me the wrong way, and I'd rather not bribe them when we could save money and knock their egos down a few notches," I replied.
There was one more thing that I could try before we resorted to fighting them over rights to the cave.
Honesty.
"Look, I'm not interested in anything in there other than the penis monster. Why don't we team up, you can have literally every single other thing in the cave, and we'll take the penis monster?" I proposed.
I loved saying "penis monster."
And interestingly enough, the hidden player at the back of their party seemed to react the strongest to my proposal. Their hood moved as if there were a couple of ears wiggling around underneath it.
"What, you one of those freaks who wants to get fucked by it?" the leader of the group asked.
"I mean, I'd be down for experimenting with that, but it's not why I'm interested. Every pole is a goal, though," I answered.
"Seriously? Can't believe the only good MMO anymore is full of degenerate trash like you. Wish they'd just cut all the sexual bullshit out of this. Haven't you ever heard of porn?"
"Dude, why would I care about porn when actual sex beyond what's possible in reality can be perfectly simulated here? Come on, I know you're a prude who's probably in the closet about what freaky sexual stuff you're into, but that was just a stupid thing to say. You're basically saying to go watch porn instead of have actual sex."
"They're fucking pixels, dude."
"Yes, they are, in fact, fucking pixels." They weren't actually pixels because of the way virtual reality worked with our brains, but I couldn't pass up implying that they were a different kind of fucking than he meant.
"That's what I just said."
I immediately regretted trying to play off of his words since he didn't get my response. Though, that suspicious party member in the back seemed to enjoy what I had to say.
"What's so funny?" the leader asked, turning to face the hidden player.
"Nothing," a feminine voice answered, taking a couple of steps back while keeping her head low.
"Tch. Look," the leader returned his attention to me, "we're going in there and you're not coming with us. We're going to kill that stupid fucking design for a monster and we're not going to let you fuck it first. Go get some therapy before you fuck a dog or something."
"You just had to say that," Thera said with a sigh.
She knew what was about to happen.
The puritan prude in front of me implied that I would harm a dog because I wanted to partake in some good old monster sex.
"One," I said, "wanting to turn into a monster to have sex with cute girls is not the same as real world bestiality. Two, real world bestiality is immoral because animals cannot consent and revoke consent. Three, even if I wanted to turn into a wolf and fuck somebody in this game, there's a difference between fiction and reality. Do you think everybody with rape fantasies are rapists or want to get raped? Do you think somebody who is a masochist wants to get beaten to death? Right now, I want to kill you. Does that make me a killer in real life? How many animals and players have you killed in this game? Should I send a tip to the FBI claiming that you're a serial killer and that you need to be swatted?"
"There's a difference between fictional violence and wanting to fuck animals, you pedophile."
"How – what – a… you just called me a pedophile because I want to turn into a fictional monster in a video game to have consensual sex? Do puritan prudes like you have anything better to do than shove crosses up your asses while vomiting so much shit out of your mouth that scat fetishists would be put to shame?"
"You're all the fucking same. A bunch of fucking degenerate freaks responsible for why nobody has any morals anymore. I just want to play a good fucking game without having to deal with clowns like you. Not even games can be an escape from the fucking clown world anymore. What's next, you going to start telling all the girls to grow dicks so they can be fucked up freaks like you until no real girls are left?"
"You know what? Fuck yeah I will. Chicks with dicks are awesome. But, you know, it's okay. If you want to choke on a girl cock then that's perfectly acceptable. I'm sure there are plenty both in real life and in game who would be happy to turn your throat into their personal onahole just like you dream about. If you want, I could even get on my fem alt and turn her into a futa to give you a taste."
"Fuck you! I'm not into that sick shit like you are. I only fuck real bitches and I don't need a fucking video game to get—"
"Thera, you're way too beautiful to have to deal with literal pieces of shit – I mean, unless you're into that, but would you mind helping me out with these assholes?"
"I can assure you that I am not into such a thing, but I do not mind putting children in their place. However… I must admit that I am concerned how they got around the age requirement for this game. There was clearly a failure somewhere during the verification process," Thera answered, drawing her blades as I readied my sword and shield.
"Thanks, Thera. You're the best spider. By the way, it's my duty now to encourage you to grow a dick. Actually, wait, don't you have an ovipositor?"
"I do, though I have never used it."
"Hey, piece of shit!" I shouted to the group's leader. "We don't have any girl dicks available right now, but she could lay some eggs down your throat if that's fine by you!"
He looked genuinely repulsed by the proposal. "What the fuck is wrong with you?!"
A heavy sigh left my mouth. "Thera, why do prudes exist?"
"Because they have nothing better to do than to look down on others for enjoying themselves so that they may feel morally superior. There are other reasons, of course, but they are obvious enough to not require pointing out," Thera explained.
"Fair enough. Anyways, let's—"
The group's leader spun around and asked, "What are you—"
His words were cut off as he was dropped to his knees. Electrical sparks bounced off of his body to show that he was under a paralysis effect.
As for the one who paralyzed him… the hidden player from before had a scorpion-like tail sticking out from behind them that was pointed directly at the leader. Though, rather than have a single spike at the end of the tail, there were several spike surrounding what looked like a pink, fleshy entrance to the tail.
Another one of the players in the group tried to slash at the player, but the little traitor extended out a couple of bat-like wings to propel them away from the attack.
"Nyehehe, I guess the act is up!" the traitorous player declared with a much more confident voice than before. Next, they removed the robe hiding their body to reveal just who and what they were.
A manticore.
With shoulder-length, strawberry-colored hair that matched the fur on her arms and legs with a couple of feline ears sitting atop her head, she was the spitting image of this game's version of a manticore. Not only that, but all she had on underneath her robe was the black pushup bra she wore with a matching thong that left very little to the imagination.
And poised on her face was a mischievous, catlike grin.
"I like you!" she shouted, looking straight at me. "I don't have a dick, but I have a tail if that makes up for it! Want to team up?"
"That depends," I answered. "Is it a tail pussy?"
"The tightest you'll ever get milked by!"
"Darling, I am not sure how you manage to meet such girls so consistently," Thera said.
I gave her a pat on the back of her arachnid abdomen and said, "All you have to do is keep an open mind and be a totally unashamed pervert. We attract each other like magnets. Also, being attractive helps. At least having an attractive avatar does." There was one question I had to ask before I could be sure that the traitorous girl was truly on my side. "What do you think of monster sex?"
"You mean the best sex?" she answered.
"I think we just became best friends."
"Best sex friends, you mean!"
"Thera, can I keep her?"
"I would say that players are not for keeping like pets… but this is you we are talking about," Thera answered.
"It's okay if they consent to being pets."
"S-see?!" the leader shouted, finally standing back up. "I fucking knew you were trash who wants to fuck animals!"
"Because of petplay? Seriously? Thera, can we please kill them now? I can feel my braincells going infertile."
"In… infertile braincells?" Thera asked.
I nodded. "I thought it'd be more fitting for me if I said they're going infertile instead of dying."
"I cannot argue with that logic."
Looking back up at the girl hovering with her wings, I tossed her an invite that she was quick to accept.
Her name popped up on the party list immediately after.
Akorya.
"Pleasure to meet you, Akorya," I said.
"And it'll be even more of a pleasure to fuck me," Akorya replied with a teasing tone.
While I thoroughly enjoyed the shy and timid girls like Lily, there was absolutely nothing wrong with the assertive and free girls like Akorya.
"Oh! One condition," Akorya said.
"And what would that be?" I asked, raising my shield to block the other group's leader's incoming charge.
"Can we have a sex duel? I love sex duels. Nothing gets me going better than fighting for dominance!"
"Sure, so long as you're prepared to lose it."
She bit her bottom lip, revealing just how sharp her canines were.
One of the other group's players tried to shoot some arrows at her, but she easily avoided them by flying out of the way. At the same time, I blocked their leader's attack but still managed to take damage from it. His overwhelming sword was just so absurd in its size and damage output that even a perfect block resulted in taking damage from it.
"Freaks like you need gassed," he growled at me.
All I could do at that point was roll my eyes. "This is why nobody takes people like you seriously. It's like you're trying to be as unlikable as possible. Wait, wait. Don't tell me. You unironically use 'cuck' as an insult, too, don't you?"
"What, are you a fucking cuck?"
"Oh, for fuck's sake, you're a living meme and not the good kind. Please tell me this is roleplaying and that you're not actually this toxic. You have to be trolling, right?"
"You'll be begging to watch us fuck the shit out of your girl here," he said, looking over at Thera.
"Trust me, I have way more game than you and I can't even get her to let me fuck her. Good luck trying."
"Who said we give a shit whether she lets us or not?"
Admittedly, I was still having a bit of fun fucking with him.
But then he had to go and say something like that.
"Hey, Thera, you and Akorya handle the rest. I've got this one," I said.
"Darling, I must admit that you are incredibly attractive when you speak in such a serious tone," Thera replied before looking the others over.
"Want me to stun him again?" Akorya asked from above.
"No. It'll piss him off more if I beat him on my own. I know how to make immature brats like these rage the most," I answered.
Akorya engaged in combat with the ranged member of the enemy party, shooting her tail's spikes at him while he tried shooting his arrows at her, while Thera effortlessly kept the remaining two party members busy. She might have had a pretty large hitbox because of her chosen race, but that didn't matter when she was as skilled as she was. She could have been a legitimate professional in the PvP scene if she tried. Nobody but the best of the best could keep up with her, and even max-level players looked no stronger than level one noobs when trying to fight her usually.
As for my enemy, I was outmatched. I was a paladin specializing in tanking with defensive skills, self-heals, and AoE damage. My enemy was a berserker most likely specializing in overwhelming opponents with raw damage using his oversized weapon.
The odds were against me. He could do more damage than I could tank through, especially if his gear was anywhere near as good as mine.
But I knew how to deal with types like him.
Somebody so full of rage and hate – they had to be fought with the number one insult that was sure to make them irrationally angry without fail.
"You know that if you're an incel, all you need to do is put a bit more effort into yourself, yeah?" I asked him. A vein popped in his forehead. "And you just have to treat women with respect, you know?" His eyes went bloodshot. "I can pretend to be a girl for you to practice on. I'll even let you tie me up and spank me if you're into that, daddy."
I was sure that he called many others this throughout his time on the internet, but he was the very definition of a snowflake.