WARNING 18+ - Rape, violence.
ANDREW-
I sat on my bed throwing my car keys in some random direction. I felt weird and awkward as hell. I rolled on my bed from left to right. Yeah that's what I do when I am nervous and confused and messed up in my brain. And I was fucking messed up. I couldn't get Jake's words out of my mind. Rolling in the bed really helps me, but this time. No! My remedy was not working. All I could see was the anger inside of me.
I sat on the corner of my bed and grabbed my hair in frustration. Because I literally hated that guy when I first met him. How could he have the guts to say that to me... I don't know why I was feeling this way. Because if some random person would've asked me to have sex with them. I would've said no and then get past through it. I would never think about them again. But today I felt like Jake was living in my mind rent free.
"I remembered his lips saying... what? "Have sex with me"." How could he say that? I can't explain what I was feeling and it was blur in my mind. I needed distraction and then I heard a knock.
"Hey! Andy you there? Can I come in?" Jessie was at my door. I think she saw that I was messed up on my way back home. Because she was knocking. Usually she would just barge in and laugh at me for no reason. Yeah she kills my privacy.
"Uh! Yeah! Weird of you to knock!" I tried to play cool as possible. But it was visible clearly on my face, that I was fucked up. She came in with some snacks and lemon juice. Too weird of her. Because she never did that before. Making my favorite juice for me? That's way too much. I need to get my shit together. Because 'the jessie' was literally caring for me. Wow.
"Here! Have it. I'm not gonna ask twice." She tried to cool the environment by mocking and I smiled a little for her sake.
"So? What happened Andy? Who did this to you? Are you having your phase again? Is it because of some girl again?" She asked a bit worried.
"Definitely not because of some girl. I don't really feel like talking so-" she cut me in between and gave me a hug by wrapping her arms around me.
"I'm here for you Andy! No matter what! If you don't feel like sharing that's okay. But don't get too tensed up. I've seen how things go wrong when you behave like this." She was talking about my past. And then I realized that I really am in a mess because the last time I was like this was when my girlfriend Sasha, who cheated on me and left with the other guy in front of my eyes. I was broken. I even wanted to die. That's how much I loved her, or at least I thought. That I even had to go see the therapist to calm the rage and thunder inside of me..
"Thanks Jes. By the way. You are being way to cute now. Do I look like shit?" I asked to change the topic.
"Well not shit! But--" she was cut in between when I heard another knock.
"Oh it must be max. I called him as you were feeling low." she said again and smiled in order to smooth my pain.
"Thanks for the concern. But I really wanted to be alone Jessie. Come in max." I really wanted to be alone.. but Max is my go to friend. He is caring, and honest the kind I like to keep besides me. I never liked fake people. Those who tried to become good in everyone's eyes and be two faced unlike Max.
"Hey bud! You okay?" He asked with concern.
"Yeah I guess! School was shit today. And I couldn't find you when life felt horrible there." Where were you?
"I bunked school today. I thought it would be normal to do that. But I'm sorry I left you alone. Who was it?" Max asked while Jessie left the room for us to talk.
"Max I don't know what am I feeling. I just feel this empty feeling inside of me, that I can't find a word to explain it." I said.
"Do you feel like explaining?" He asked if I was okay to share. And I definitely wanted to let it out.
"So there was this guy! Jake-" and I told about Jake to him and what happened at school.
FLASHBACK
"Have sex with me." He said. And came to kiss my lips or neck. I could not decide as he was looking at my lips and coming closer but then went towards my neck. I snapped and pushed him before his filthy lips could touch me.
"Have you gone crazy or something? How could you think of me like that?" I said. He looked puzzled. As if he couldn't recognize what he had just said. But later I saw anger and frustration or lust to be more precise in his eyes. Maybe it was the first time someone rejected him. Or because whatever reason I don't want to know. He pulled me from the floor and pushed me towards the wall. I hit my head but not hard, I felt his hands on my collar and he was looking at me.. seductively?
"It's good that you know I'm crazy. Because you have no fucking idea what I'm about to do to you." He bit his bottom lip seductively like he was going to eat me. And I was just standing there like a dead body. My eyes were on his pink lips. He slowly pushed his dark brown hair back giving a full view of his green colored eyes. They look nasty yet beautiful. I was so lost admiring his features and noticed that he came so close to me that I could feel his breath on my neck. He came near and whispered in my ear.
"Be ready to get laid on. Kiddie." My eyes widened hearing him say in such a seductive manner. He didn't give it a second thought and kissed me on my neck. He came back to look me in the eyes, and then again starting kissing my neck like I was his favorite food. And it was driving me crazy. I tried to push him back but I felt powerless with his kisses. My arms got weak as I wasn't able to push him anymore. I hated that I was liking him on me. But I wanted him to get off of me because of his intention. He wanted to fuck me. And I am the type who makes love. I don't fuck people and I felt like I was getting raped.
"I know you are liking it too. Just give in." He broke the kiss and started biting my ear. He opened the button of my shirt and started kissing my collarbone and chest. He would roll his tongue on them, like he knew what he was doing. It felt good but disgusting at the same time. Then, I could feel his lips on my nipple biting and sulking them very hard that I let out a moan. He smirked.
"Fuck Jake. Let- me- go-" I said trying to catch my breath. He slid his hands pressing my chest stiffly again allowing me to groan in pleasure and going down on my crotch, he started pressing it with his hands really tightly but not hurting me. I could feel myself getting hard and I was embarrassed that he knew I was turned on. I could feel my legs shaking and my heart started racing fast like a sports car. I still tried to push him because I did not want to lose myself in this situation which has no meaning to it.
"Get off of me. I did nothing wrong. I'm not the type you should have sex with." Tears started rolling down my cheeks to my neck and touched his skin. I started to push him again wiping my tears. He heard my teary voice and moved a step back. Like he realized that he nearly raped me. I slapped him hard on his cheeks. And he stood still looking down at the floor.
"You have no idea, what you've done to me. You are a piece of horny shit. Who just know how to fuck people without their consent." I said breaking down. I couldn't help my tears. I was not able to stop them. But I quickly wiped them away. And pushed him while walking past him. I was not able to realize what he has done to me. I saw regret in his eyes. Like he felt like crap when he came back to his senses. But I couldn't care less about how he felt. Because I was broken.
This was the first time I let someone touch me after Sasha. I didn't have sex with her but we did some fun. Maybe that's why she cheated on me because I didn't have sex with her. I tried sleeping with her but I just couldn't get myself to look at her naked. I loved her but I didn't wanted to have sex with her. It's not that she was not Beautiful. She was gorgeous. Her figure would turn on even saints but not me. I didn't care at that time. But now that I was turned on by him. I guess... I am.... gay? I didn't look back to what he was doing. Was he following me or crying there. It didn't really matter to me. Because I felt like I wanted to get out of here if I want myself to live.
END OF FLASHBACK
"What? He did what? Are you crazy Andrew? Why didn't you tell me earlier. I should literally break his dick so he would never be able to fuck anyone." Max looked pretty angry. And he was right.
"Max, sit down for a bit please and listen to me." I started tearing up again. He looked at me with pity and sat beside me holding me in his arms.
"Okay! Let your heart out. I'm here Andrew. Tell me." See? He was the most caring person.
"Max I felt like I was raped. And the worst part was that I was turned on. One part of me wanted to stop him badly. But all my demons were crying to let him do what he wants. I've never felt this way. Even with Sasha. And I don't know what to do anymore with myself." I cried out loud. And he was just holding me. He was the only person who has seen me cry. He was there when things happened with Sasha. I cried like this.
"I can't feel myself anymore. I don't recognize this person. I thought I loved Sasha. But I was never turned on by her. Just by his bare touch I wanted him to devour me fully." I said sobbing.
"If you think we won't accept you if you are gay. Then please take these kind of thoughts out of your mind. Maybe you thought you loved her because you never had anyone else caring for you. And Sasha really cared for you at some point in your life. So you thought you loved her. But it's okay if you feel like this. The problem is this guy who made you feel this way. If it was any other guy I wouldn't have to urge to kill him. But he fucking tried to assault you." He said in anger. And I stopped him before he could actually get more angry because I really needed support. So I hugged him tightly and cried.
He explained how or what I was feeling and I tried to calm myself down from this feeling of being used as I was torn in between having sex with him and pushing him away from me. At that point of time all I wanted was to hate him with all my will.
JAKE-
I was on top of him looking at his lips. And this was the first time ever I wanted to kiss someone. Kiss someone so bad that I was even ready to eat him. I snapped back from the thought of kissing him because I don't kiss. I don't make love. I fuck. And I fuck really hard. So I went for his neck. But he started pushing me. I felt this huge amount of rage inside of me. I wanted him to be mine. I wanted to have him all, suddenly I can't explain what I was feeling. I heard the devil roar inside of me so I used all my strength and found me pushing him towards the wall. I was so busy eating him that I couldn't hear him struggling. He tasted like sweet candy and I wanted to have it all. I could feel his heart beat which was beating for me. It was only driving me crazy. I really loved it when he moaned and I knew he wanted it too. I couldn't resist myself and started moving my hands down and touching his crotch. But then,
I felt his tears that rolled down from his eyes to his neck and touched my cheeks. Realization hit me and I saw him in tears. I realized that I was abusing him for my hunger. He slapped me and looked me in the eyes, he was broken. He really was. And I felt shit for making him feel this way. It was the first time I cared for someone other than me. I didn't knew what I was feeling. Guilt filled inside my heart and I was short of breath.
I saw hatred in his eyes. He was looking at me in disgust and it was bothering me. How can I be bothered by someone's looks? I am Jake Reynolds. Why should I care what he thought of me? But as I saw him walking away from me, I was barely able to breathe. I held onto some support or else I was going to fall or maybe collapse. I wanted to delete the memories of me assaulting him. But I was pretty much sure he wanted to let me have my way with him. Thinking this won't even calm the thunder growing inside me. How can I be so reckless. How can I act like this. I am just regretting for giving in to the devil. I should've resisted. I should've tried harder and not become the worst version of myself. But I wanted him. All of him. As much as I could have. I was going crazy with the look he gave me. Like he would spit on me.
In the starting teasing him was fun. Calling him Kiddie and the way he reacted was attracting me towards him. But what was this irresistible lust? What was I feeling I really wanted to know what was happening to me. Should I go stop him? Should I say sorry? I probably should. But should I care for hurting him? He is just any other guy I could fuck randomly. But he didn't give me his consent. I was in the wrong. I am so messed up. The first time in my life I felt so fucking lonely that I needed someone in my life to give me some advice that would put me out of my misery. But I was so alone that I had no one to talk to.
I reached home, sadness was stamped on my face. I saw Beck sitting on the chair reading her book and she stood when she saw me. I was about to fall on the ground but soon she held onto me. I was so pathetic that it even shook Beck. She was so shocked at my state. I didn't know what happened to me and I held onto her for support and hugged her. She was made with stones. She didn't hug me back but I still felt the warmth. And then she suddenly said.
"Have you fallen for someone?"