This is how my first day of high school ended. Although I didn't attend it. It was the most unexpected day.
I still can't process what happened today. My heart was filled with joy when I saw her in the classroom, and I was glad to hear her words. I was so happy that I got a chance to hear her words once again. I could not contain my tears at that moment. I felt like all the troubles were over now, so I thought that we could both become friends like we were when we were little. But when she said that what she said just a few moments ago was just a lie, then it really shattered my heart into a thousand pieces. It really made me scremed with every inch of my energy. I was really scared to think about it. I lost my temper. My heart started pounding and I started saying something, to change myself..? How the hell am I going to change myself when she is in such a situation and I can do nothing for her? Are you kidding me? People protect their friends, and here I am, the one who caused trouble for his own friend. I really am so pathetic! At that moment, my emotions were mixed up. I didn't know what I was doing.
After that, I came here to calm myself down. This is a place where I can calm myself down. I come here whenever I feel lost or frustrated. A few minutes later, I started to feel better, so I decided to go home. I reached home.
I'm home, mom.
A few minutes later, I ate my snacks and went to my room. No matter what, today's incident is one I can't forget. It comes to my mind from time to time. It felt like I was stuck in that moment.
Hiro, come down to eat your dinner.
I went and ate my dinner. While eating, that moment comes to mind once again. I started to replay that moment in my head unconscious. I was totally spaced out. It really scared me, so I didn't eat that much. I started to sleep, so that moment didn't come into my mind again.
A few hours later,
Azuki Don't leave me. Please stay here with me. What do I do if you leave me? What will happen to me if you leave me behind? Azuki Please?
(He is sleeping and babbles.)
I woke up and, after that, I ate my breakfast.
I'm off mother
Last night I had a dream about me and Azuki. It was more like a memory than a dream. In this dream, Azuki and I were playing all day together. I saw we were in the same elementary school. When we played games in her house, when she helped when I was crying, when we played at the riverside, I saw everything that we did in my dream, but all of a sudden she started to fade away & I was the only one who remained playing. It was not a dream, it was reality, the truth! This time I was not scared because I had already accepted the past, but what shivers me the most is when all of a sudden I am surrounded by darkness. I started walking in that darkness. Suddenly, a light came from nowhere & it made a path under my feet. I was walking on a light. Suddenly, I saw a person walking before me. She was female…
But what happened at the end of the dream really scared me! I woke up. I was trembling when I woke up. I felt like I was suffocating. Tears were coming from my eyes. I was crying. It was terrible. At the end of the dream, she was walking before me and I was walking behind her. The distance between us kept getting closer and closer. As I kept getting closer to her, she started to fade away. I was going to grab her hand, but suddenly, she turned around, and I saw her face, and she smiled at me. Before I was able to grab her hand, she fully disappeared. That person was Azuki. I don't know what that dream meant. I can only guess.
Does it mean that Azuki is going to leave me behind again? Why is that going to happen again? Can't things stay as they are now? I know that I am a terrible person, but I don't really want Azuki to leave me behind once again!
After all these years, I am able to see her once again. I am fine being a stranger to her; at least I can see her. I am willing to carry my guilt to the end; it's just that I don't want to say goodbye to her.
As for now, I need to focus on school today. I need to calm down before I get to school. It'd be better if I didn't talk to Azuki for a few days. Although I have a lot to talk about with her, she's forgotten her memories, so it seems pointless. I think it will be better if I watch her to get to know her personality, so I will keep an eye on her for a few days. When I got into my classroom, I looked up at Azuki. She was talking to another girl. That quality of hers remains the same, making friends so quickly. That's good. Whenever I looked at Azuki smiling, I felt really happy after seeing her. Sometimes it's crushed my heart that she forgot her memories and it happened because of me!! All the painful memories of mine and her suffering come flooding back to me in an instant.
A few days have passed. I have been watching her the last few days. Her personality has changed a little bit, though she is kind even now. That's great. She talks with other people at ease. I don't know how she did it. Her personality is so nice. That's why I have admired her since I was little. I wish I could become like her one day.
Today, I decided to watch Azuki. I have been noticing that the guy has been keeping an eye on me since we met on the roof top. I wonder why? Watching Azuki today feels sad, because she is sad. I saw her that way and felt pain in my chest because I was the one who did this to her. If I hadn't forgotten her memories, I would've made her smile again. I hated watching her like that, but I couldn't do anything about it. I'm so damn pathetic. I came to the rooftop because I couldn't watch her like that. It was painful. What a pain!
In my opinion, pain is inescapable. Everyone in this world has to feel pain in their life. It's just a matter of time when you have to feel it. There is a saying that whenever you feel pain or frustration, just watch the clouds. It helps you feel relaxed. But even clouds have to feel pain. In the rainy season, clouds have to carry raindrops. And they also have to endure all the pain caused by lightning. After recess, I came to class, and I noticed that guy keeping an eye on me again.
After school ended, everyone started to go home. I was waiting for Azuki to go out of the classroom, but that guy was also there. When Azuki stepped out of the classroom. That guy came to the bench near my bench and said something unexpected.
It seems you have noticed that I am keeping an eye on you.
I wanted to ask you just one question.
Do you like Sakura (Azuki)?
You don't need to know.
I guess it's no then.
If it's great then, then I can become close friends with her. A very close friend.
(He tries to provoke me by making a situation like this. This is not that he wants to know, so he is saying something that attacks directly on my emotions, so he will get the answer he wants. He is expecting me to reveal the truth. I know this guy is good because he was the one who helped me that day. I guess he knows that there is something between me and Azuki. That's why he's doing this. But sorry man, I don't wish anyone to know about me.
Would you like to? I really don't care.
Oh, I guess you're a tough one. Sorry for that.
My name is Kageyama.
I don't know yours, but I will know it in the future.
Let's become friends. What do you think?