It smells like early spring, looking out through the small window and seeing the petals falling made me think, "Wish we could see it together." Love was a difficult thing to explain as a 13-year-old but what I felt was 'that doing something you love with your special someone was what I believed is LOVE'. "Ah! It's so cold today, guess I have to sneak out a candle from the orphanage storage before the warden teacher sees me". 9 p.m. through the freezing corridor with a light set opening the storage door snooping around to find even a small candle to pass this snowy night. Suddenly a hand grabbed my clothes and I woke up with a start.
Waaaaaaaaa!! Ma....Ma...ma!!
My baby desperately crying to seek attention. Maybe she is hungry?'; or did she poop! Her crying brought me back from the dream of the orphanage I was having.
"What's wrong sweetheart? are you hungry, or cold? do you want to poop? no"; "is it growling sound I hear, aww is it time for my sunshine to have her din-din"
A giggle spread in her mouth and my heart melted seeing how this small life is making my life brighter by the day. As an orphan, I was always alone and dreamed of a happy family but as fate would have, though it was not the warmest family as my dream, what I got was even more precious in the form of this child which I birthed. The symbol of my happiness, the proof of love, and the existence he left behind. I still remember him like it was yesterday. My First Love. He who left this gift to me, don't know where he is or if he is alive, but I still remember him from time to time in those memories I shared of him, I still miss him, and ... and love him... yes I do till now even though he is not here.
Bloom sucking on my breast hungrily as desperately as clenching my clothes. My sweetheart was so hungry and as her mother, I couldn't do more for her due to our poverty but I am thankful as she is such a nice and happy baby, 'MAMA couldn't do much for you but you are so kind my sunshine as to patiently staying by my side. This happiness was enough for me to try harder for her so that she wouldn't face what I faced.
Rocking her to sleep I put her in the crib and sat on my desk in the hope that today I will try finding more jobs so that we can support our small family and my Bloom. Browsing through sites I found nothing but disappointment. Their nothing for a fourteen-year-old teenage mother except for a few part-time jobs. Hopefully, there are a few cafes and restaurant jobs that don't ask for educational qualifications so I can apply for them. It's been 2 months since Bloom was born and my savings are running out, which I saved and hid behind my teacher at the orphanage so that one day I can move out from there and live my own life. Just like life right now, I guess. It's high time for me to find a job where I can support our poor family, I sigh, in worry. It's thanks to Mrs. Joo that we even got to stay here and land a job in the flower shop downstairs. But one part-time will not be enough to fill our stomach and cover living expenses, forget about saving we barely get buy each month as pregnancy expenses were high during the last 9 months, and thanks to Mrs. Joo who cared for me and my unborn child from that day I didn't die on the road.
I still get nightmares thinking of that day till now.
9 months ago ...
It was a birthday party for all the orphans who didn't have an origin, so the teachers and dean at the orphanage decided to go with a single day as a birthday for everyone. Everyone was excited about cakes and gifts and parties which were given only on that day each year. I was not particularly excited or looking forward to it as I knew my portion would be snatched by the older kids as a form of a protection fee in the name of bullying. As if they ever did any good things from the start and it was not like the adults would believe the words of a 13-year-old. That day I decided to spend all morning in the library reading books that came recently, the only teacher who knew my situation among the other orphans was Ms. Kelly the intern teacher, but as a new teacher and being powerless, she could only help me hid me in the library from preventing from more bullying. Now I think she must have felt guilty for not saving me in the past as she was unaware of my severe bullying by the older kids and when she found marks and abuse done to me in my body she tried to complain about it to the principal but I stopped her as it was helpless as the previous librarian was blamed instead for those kids provocations and expelled falsely. After hearing this, she cried in my stead and promised to protect me from them as much as she could. She took me to the pharmacy for medication and revealed the whole story to the doctor and convinced her with evidence and not say a word to the other thus from that day, both of them always helped me till the day I left the orphanage due to that huge incident. As an orphan, both of them were a huge support to me and were like my parents if I had to describe them. As usual, I was reading through the new books and was waiting for the night to fall. there was this place in the library like an attic which was like a home to me more than my room in the orphanage's kids' room. As I was immersed in my books, suddenly a voice called me. "Get down Rose, it's your birthday today, what are you doing, reading today too, you should at least have fun today, it's not every day we get to have fun". The voice which was the only peace for me except for the two teachers was of an older boy of 18 in our orphanage whom I was comfortable with and my first love, Even...
He was the only one caring for me among all the children there was nobody who talked to me for fear of getting bullied.
Even was a new kid in the orphan thus didn't know my situation and thought of me as an introvert, I didn't mind though as it was the only way I could talk to him at all, and he somehow always found me and initiated conversations and that pushiness, care, and devotion made me fill loved which feeling was as warm as a baby bird. But at that time I didn't know it was love, I was made aware of that love when I could no longer reach him.
It still pains me to this day. As my love grows stronger by the day and so does my loneliness...
Back to the past...
"Stop spacing out and let us go to the party", Evens's voice ranged again in my ears and unfortunately I had to go down, as I was walking with him I thought to myself today is the day of beating and if we are seen together she will not leave me alone. As I was lost in my thoughts we reached the hall and there I sensed a glare coming my way.
Rita, a kid of the same age as Even and the source of my bullying was fond of Even and was in love with him. As a teenager a kid could leave the orphanage when they reach 18 and so was that day, I thought maybe that was the day I could start to be peaceful as Rita would be leaving the orphanage age, and the coming 5 years till I get 18 I might make two or three friends and have a better life. But who knew that was the end of the day have to leave that place.
Being a possessive person the things Rita put her eyes on, had to be hers and if someone tried to take them away she destroyed their lives. There were many victims of Rita but nobody was brave enough to stand against it as they knew what would become of them they did as much as talking. Also, me being the sole victim after all her previous once had left there, thus, she resorted to more horrendous bullying, and I never complained. Doing these petty things was her way of feeding her inferiority complex as she believed that everyone praised me for being a pretty good child so it angered her more and so her bullying increased. But in front of Even and all the other people she posed to be a good kid and behaved meekly to hide her sadistic ugly side. She approached us noticing Even and called in a sweet voice, "Even, where were you? I was searching the whole time', and added 'What's Rose doing with you? Were you together?". As I was about to reply Even interrupted and said, "Oh! I bought her with me as she was hiding in the library, I mean who stays there on a day like these so I bought her with me". Glaring at me Rita became more furious as she never received such treatment from Even like this. Grinding her teeth and suppressing her anger, smiling she said, "Is that so, Rose. Come! Let's enjoy the party together, as it's for everyone," putting her hand in my soldier she pinched my arms viciously and left it bloody red, but I was not allowed to shout as if I did the consequences would be worse later. She pushed me to the side, pulled Even's hand, and disappeared into the crowd leaving me behind. To my surprise, it was unexpected for her to leave me without teaching me a lesson then and there, I think it might be thanks to Even as she wanted to look like the version of a so-called good elder sister in front of him to earn credits. But deep down I knew that I would get my punishment soon that night.Â
But who knew something much more terrible was waiting for me, which would turn my whole life upside down.
The thing I was most sad about was not being able to spend time with Even, though I knew he may not like a kid like me and prefer a girl like Rite who is of her age and is graceful, more like acts graceful, I laughed to myself.
I was sitting in a corner and while looking up front I saw everyone enjoying their time, kids eating while others were running around, the teachers enjoying themselves, and older kids dancing with each other. In the distance, I found Rita clinging onto Even and dancing all over the place. I felt jealous of her, and wished I could be 18 and leave this place with Even and stay happily together.
For a Kid like me then, that felt like what would I call a perfect dream.
As I was thinking in a daze, a hand reached out tapping my shoulder it was Even sitting beside me. He offered me a juice and said, "What happened my dear Rose, why are you alone here and not on the dance floor". My heart was beating fast as if it would jump out of my chest and nervously I took the glass from him and gulped down the juice which he gave me in one go. "Let's dance, he extended his hand and said, "You are fourteen now, let's celebrate it Your Highness", I laughed at his cheesy speech.
We went to the dance floor. I never felt this happy in my entire life, I was happy and feeling dreamy, dizzy, and hot all over my body, as Even was smiling at me with his hand holding mine and the other on my waist, "What's up Rose why are you smirking" Even smiled and called again, "ROSE?!" "It sounds good to ears when you call my name" I spoke without thinking. Realizing what I was thinking got spilled in front of Even, a cherry blush spread all over my face, I hurriedly added, " I never liked my name, as no one used to call me, as you are the only one", thank god the light was low on the dance floor for Even to see my face as red as a cherry.
"What? I mean did nobody call your name before??, That's news to me" I gasped in shock as Even was the only one except the teachers in school who didn't know, about my place there. I explained, "As you know I am not a people person so uh I... Uh I mean I like to spend time alone, that's all". "ha .. ha .." I laughed off the situation **Awkwardly**
As we were dancing Even suddenly closed the distance within us and started closing it to the point where our lips were almost in sync and we could hear each other's breath. There was no space for a fly to squeeze in between us.
"--------" "-------" noises reached my ear and lights prevented me from opening my eyes, but somehow I opened them. When I did my whole world fell apart. I was naked and the teachers alongside all the older kids and Rita were standing there shouting,
"This bi**h seduced Even, she drugged him to do all this".