*B = bonus chapter*
Experience is the best teacher. The more that you open yourself to experience and to information, the richer your life becomes. Now, information becomes addictive and warped if you aren't too careful. Sometimes I wake up with a burning passion to consume information after information. What is beauty? What is love? What do we strive for? What do we struggle for if everything ends with our deaths? I do not want the answer to be handed to me! I will search for it! What is our greatest motivator? It is fear. It is the endless desire of self-preservation. To survive and overcome and beat the odds. With every victory and defeat, that voice from within is as powerful as ever. It doesn't matter how cynical you are, that voice! That fire from within! It is my muse, my advisor and my guide! It is the source of my pleasure. Experience has taught me well. I must apologise to myself for having ignored the voice for so long. Although my meaning is exploration, the voice is my compass which guides me in this life. However, I am not protected from making mistakes, I am not protected from my imperfection and I am also not protected against my own ignorance.
What am I going to do next? This is a question that I find myself asking many many times. If I find myself unable to execute that plan. If I am unable to move forward, I just stop. If I am interrupted by external forces beyond my control, I stop. Throughout my life, I find myself having to stop more than I find myself moving forwards even though the voice only pushes me forward. Why can't I ever rest? Why do I lie awake at night thinking about the suffering of humanity and the atrocities that are committed against our fellow humans and the evils we commit against nature? Why do I think about what I did in X? Why did she leave me? Why do we even deserve to exist in such a hateful world? Perhaps it would've been better if we never existed. But what of beauty? What of love and pleasure? What we find beautiful is inevitably sullied.
There it is. I feel stuck again. What did I want to investigate today?
Ah, the five senses: sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch. We sure do take it for granted. My fellow readers, you must realise by now that absolutely anything can be improved. I was going for a walk when I had this idea. What if I could experiment with my senses? Taste is one sense that I could find really fun to work on. I recently found out that the sides of the tongue are far more sensitive when it comes to tasting things. The place underneath the tongue is another sensitive place. I could experience the taste of a greater selection of things. I am drawn towards sweet foods but averse to bitter foods or drinks. That's why I would rather taste my own puke than drink a glass of nasty cranberry juice.
I recalled having a heated discussion with my friend.
It was Timothy and he was insistent that cranberry juice tasted sour not bitter whereas I argued the opposite. It was just harmless fun and none of us took our difference in opinion personally. I am so glad. He is a reasonable guy.
However, I was having the suspicion that something was up with him which he wasn't telling me but like normal, he continued with the tasks that I've set for him to enhance his mental well-being. One of my tasks for him was to draw something every day and present it to me.
"Ok buddy. What do you have to show me?" I asked, waiting in anticipation
I could tell that he hesitated for a moment before he showed the drawing to me but I patiently waited in silence.
It clearly wasn't a masterpiece but I found it very interesting.
"Who's this by the window?" I asked him
"It's a man." Timothy stated
"I can see that. Now can you describe this drawing for me please and how you felt whilst drawing this?" I asked him
"Ok. There is a man by the window who has a grey comb over hairstyle and some light stubble on his chin. He is wearing a plain white shirt. He is watching the man on the bed. He likes to observe."
"Oh I see. Now who is the other man on the bed?"
"Uh, it's me."
"What? Timothy? Did this happen to you for real? Does a man like him know where my house is? Why does he watch you? Does he watch Fallon too? Why didn't you tell me sooner?" I asked him
"I'm sorry. I just didn't know if you'd believe me. This bedroom window isn't so easy to get to. He just watches me then disappears. I don't even know if he's real." Timothy spoke
I sighed, coping with the news of a possible stalker posing a threat to us and our security.
"True, I still don't understand how he's managed to get to that window. I have an idea. Pretend to be oblivious and we'll make a plan to capture him." I said
"No offence to you but I have the combined strength of two strong men. I don't need your help as I can easily defend myself against him if he poses a threat."
"This man or possibly evil spirit knows where I live! Very few people in this world know my exact location! This is dangerous. Fallon!"
"What? There's no need to yell out my name. I am still inside this room." Fallon said
"Do you know this man who stares at Timothy through the window?" I asked her
"Not exactly. Sometimes, I see shapes and shadows behind the curtain. The windows open and close by themselves and I hear a strange rattling sound followed by the occasional gurgling sound."
"Well that's nothing new since my house is already haunted." I chuckled
"WHAT?! S-SO THE TWO GHOSTS YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT, THEY WERE REAL?" Timothy panicked
"Yep!" I grinned
"What the hell Might?! Why the hell do you live in a haunted house?" Fallon asked me
"It was very cheap, it's a huge house and there's hardly anyone who dares to live nearby so ta-dah! No nosy neighbours, thank God for that, haha!" I explained eagerly
"There are ghosts." Timothy stressed
"Don't be such a bitch, Timothy. These ghosts are super friendly! No beings of darkness can ever find peace around me. Only beings of light."
"You'd better be right about that Might." Fallon
After a few minutes I felt my eyes and my back hurting like hell.
I must be getting old.
And so I decided to go to my room.
Occasionally I get like this.
Feeling like my energy has been drained, I get into a state which I call 'stuck'.
When I am stuck, I do everything in my power to avoid interacting with other people. I find it impossible to exercise or do anything except for the bare minimum. It is the creative's worst nightmare! I want to move forward! Not yet. I must wait. Who is telling me to wait? I am afraid. Afraid of what? Afraid of not having enough. I am afraid of advancement even though my heart yearns for it! Step forward now! But how can I?! I cannot move! I cannot move yet! I am not ready yet! Will I ever be prepared enough? Should I rest? Never! What a disgustingly absurd idea! I still have hope that I will obtain clarity soon, with or without rest! With or without rest, my mind will give me what I want! The voice! He has never failed me! Oh how I long to connect with you again! But I am stuck and there is too much in our way. Should I seek out new experiences in the hopes that beauty will nourish my yearning soul? Should I listen to music, derive beauty from it and welcome all the feelings with open arms? I am thinking so much but at the same time, I am not thinking at all! Oh when will I be free again? When will I be released from the bird's cage that I have imprisoned myself in? When? Why does this happen to me so frequently? What is this thought that orders me to rest? I will not rest! I don't want to relax. I don't want to take my eyes off the valuable information that I am currently reading. I will do my research and not a soul on earth can stop me! No one can stop me!
"Shit! Who dares to knock on my door? I said not a soul can disturb me! Now shoo!"
"It's me." Fallon replied
"I am not in the mood. Please leave me alone." I replied as politely as I could
She was holding a bowl of freshly cooked food which made my mouth salivate and my stomach rumble on cue. Damn. When was the last time I ate?
She placed the food on my table without a word but from the look on her face, it read 'If you don't eat this food, you will suffer the consequences.'
She also gave me a large bottle of my favourite raspberry squash.
"It's ok to take breaks, you know. Come and take a look at what Blondie and Timothy have drawn together." Fallon said
Then she gave me a warm smile before heading out back to Blondie and Timothy whose bond was growing deeper the more that they spent time together. For a 19 year old, he does a pretty good job at raising a toddler. Even though she is very sensible, she started getting into this sort of thing where she goes around hitting people for fun. Having been a victim to these brutal attacks, I can tell you personally that it's neither cute nor funny. When you are the most relaxed, that's when she gets you. I wonder why she hasn't hit me these past few days?
I took a deep breath and attempted to clear my thoughts by concentrating on my food. She kept things simple with a dish of rice soaked with vegetable soup and a piece of steak on top. The bowl, if you can even call it that because it looked like it was stuck between wanting to become a bowl or plate, was blue. I enjoy looking at the colour blue because it reminds me of the sky and the sky looks peaceful and not chaotic like down here on the ground. The oceans are blue and the oceans contain water which is refreshing, cool and clean. I really like the colour blue. Even as I eat and drink, my thoughts only slow down but never cease. I have never experienced a calm mind void of all thoughts for more than a minute.
Comfort is something that we are used to. Whatever we are familiar with, give us comfort. Imagine living in a small town, far far away. Information is limited and there is only one source. The population creates the information via chatter amongst their fellow people. Therefore, what is true and false is unknown. The people have everything they could ask for but they aren't allowed to leave. Those who are caught leaving mysteriously disappear. The enemies of exploration are those who cling to what comforts them. The population who cling to one another like flour mixed with water who follow the ways of family, friends and lovers without questioning are the enemies of exploration. They are also the enemies of truth. Let no one or nothing prevent you from expressing the truth. Exploration. What a deadly venture! Fully submit to the cause and you free yourself from this prison we call comfort! Welcome freedom and you inevitably welcome the risks of ostracisation, solitude and even death. It is not unheard of that a good man dies fighting the good fight. What is death but a part of life?! The ending of everyone's story is their death. Would you rather live a long life of oppression that you have welcomed in the form of 'comfort' and die an ordinary death or would you rather live your life and die knowing that you died for the right cause? It is not within my character to decide what other people should do with their lives but I know which option that I would rather choose.
I am aware that I may have expressed to you all that fear is a great motivator (even stronger than love) but death is the ultimate motivator. I personally recommend this. Everyday that you wake up first thing in the morning you look in the mirror and tell yourself, 'This is another day in my life and I am going to die one day but until then, I will live my life according to my Way.'
I got interrupted again and dammit was I on a roll!
It was Timothy.
I am sorry. Did I say that death is the ultimate motivator? I am beginning to think that annoyance is the ultimate motivator because I am so annoyed right now. If I could punch him in the face for disturbing my train of thought, I would!
"Can I be left alone?" I sighed, not wanting any part of what he had in store for me
"Let's go to the gym room together." Timothy suggested
I rolled my eyes at the suggestion.
"Why?" I asked him
"To exercise." He replied
"Why me?" I asked again
"Because Fallon didn't want to." Timothy replied
"I am busy." I told him, hoping that he would leave me be
"But you're always busy! We never spend time together!" He protested
"I-I do! What about our sessions and the drawings and stuff?" I reminded him
"That's boring. We just talk about my thoughts, feelings and look at my drawings. That's it."
"You mean that it's not helping you?" I asked him
Timothy sighed and shook his head.
"Don't do that crap in front of me." I said, annoyed all of a sudden
"...."
"Give me a proper answer instead of just sulking like a bitch." I told him
"W-We're meant to be friends. Real friends have more than intellectual conversations. They have fun! They do things like watch movies, play sports and play games."
"I understand that and I will but today's not the day ok. I am sorry."
I thought that Timothy would understand but he gave me a look that told me that he wasn't going to give up just yet.
"You know, I found your love letters by the way and I am going to read them out loud until you hang out with me." Timothy said, with a mischievous grin
"Y-You can't do that! That's textbook blackmailing! You're blackmailing me! Real friends don't force each other to hang out." I yelled out in a panic
"Throughout centuries, love has been a mystery to all. Time and time again, humankind have attempted to define what is the deadliest gift bestowed upon us-" Timothy read in a pathetic attempt to imitate my flawless voice
"Don't read another line!" I hissed, jumping out of my seat to tackle him and force the essays out of his hand
We were tumbling around and it wasn't easy getting the essays out of his hand since he gained super strength after the transformation in the portal but I wasn't going to give up yet.
It was incredibly embarrassing and humiliating to have my drafts read without my consent and I felt betrayed that Timothy didn't respect me enough to leave me and my drafts the fuck alone.
After a while, we still fought and Timothy was less energetic than before.
"Are you really that persistent about these love letters?"
"Trust me I will get those papers from you eventually. I can keep going all day!"
"Haha, that's what she said. Arrgh!" Timothy let out a high pitched yell when I pinned him down and lunged at his neck, prepared to choke him out but obviously I would try not to kill him.
However, his yell repeated in my mind over and over again until my mind made a hilarious remix of his yelling and that's when I burst out laughing and couldn't stop laughing.
"You laugh like an evil genius. Stop it!" Timothy laughed
I kept on laughing and the more I tried to stop laughing, the more that I failed and so I gave in and continued to laugh.
"Ha a-a-a-a ha-ha-haa." Timothy deepened his voice a little to mimic my laugh
This made me laugh harder.
Fallon burst inside my room.
"What's going on here?" She said, then laughed
She looked at the two of us, on the crimson red carpeted floor, gasping for air and clinging onto each other, our ribs bracing themselves for inevitable laughter which had temporarily made my mind clear. The feeling of joy almost forgotten had made its way into my heart, flowing through my body once more.
THE END...