"That's it? That's all she wrote? What's the year in this world right now? Right, nine-seventy-nine is what's on the letters and everything; also what Hotaru told me.
Ana was twenty-one when she died this year. Born in nine-fifty-eight? I think that's right, so her last entry was when she was sixteen."
She closed the book, "Then what the hell happened in five years?" she peered around the room. "You made it to the Ordinate like you hoped, you helped your dad…
Did the Princelys actually kill you? It can't be just some random mugging, it doesn't add up! What happened? How did it happen!?" Jotou's fingers tensed up.
She got down from the windowsill, "There has to be something else. Something magical, something reasonable of how I ended up being you," Jotou threw the diary aside, kicking up more dust.
"Some evidence, something else," she opened the drawers she had already searched, flipped open the books she already scanned. "Why were you so happy?"
Her search grew more feverish, dust be damned as she flipped the pillows and checked under the bed. "Was Layla actually just that paranoid? That's it? Then why did you die?"
She had no concern for her inner voice anymore, speaking aloud. She looked in the mirror, realizing how tense her eyebrows were.
The vanity was crowded with makeup brushes to eyeliners and blushes. Jotou cleared the mirror of dust and while it sprinkled down like snow, she eyed herself in the mirror. "Why am I here!?"
She leaned closer in; those eyes… the same as her old world's. The blonde strands of hair ended in dark black. She parted her bangs with a finger, "sSS! Ow…" she hissed touching her temple.
The punch had bruised once side under her hair; the other side where the bottle was flung onto had no mark, but it still stung to the touch.
Her scowl stared her back, "How many bones have I broken in your body that I now call mine?" she held the sides of the vanity table to balance herself.
"How many times have I looked in the mirror at myself and was riddled with guilt for ever having a lustful thought?" her eyes welled up…
Her fingers were cracking the wood, digging into the table with the grip tightening, and tightening, and tightening, "DAMN IT ALL!!!" she shook the entire vanity knocking everything off or over.
Her breath grew heavy, voice growling. She clenched her teeth shut, letting air exhale through in a slushing sound. Her eyes were met with her palms, pressing into her aching forehead.
She wanted to pull her hair out, throw everything against the wall. The blood boiling, she could not control as tears left those brown eyes of his.
"Why, WHY? WHY!? Why can't I be left alone!?" she fell down to her knees against the bed. Her legs twitched and muscles tensed as her cries quivered.
"Why her? Why did she have to die and why did it have to be me to confront her dad!? She was happy because she found a friend in Kor, right!? So why take her happiness away and put me here!?"
"My friends…" she sobbed, never removing her hands from her eyes as she slumped her back against the dusted mattress. She could not shout; she did not want to shout anymore.
"Ben was gonna make a game… he had the programming all set up," a soft laugh pushed through her cries. "Daiyu was entering a tournament as a freshman… she had a sport's scholarship…
Kaleb only had a little left before he graduated… Ramond… Ramond…" a smile crept up, "We were all going to live in a house together, right?" that smile sparked her eyes.
"I'm stuck in this world… No way out and no clue how they are… I'll never see how their stories end… and now I don't know how it all started!" tears were running dry.
Her throat had dried with how much she panted, "I didn't want to work in some office; I didn't want to study more for years and years, my head couldn't take it anymore!" her voice cracked.
"I just wanted to sleep and wake up not feeling tired. I just wanted to draw things and play games with my friends.
I just wanted to watch some shows and maybe just maybe, find someone to fall in love with.
I just wanted to be hugged and told it was okay. I didn't want so much pressure on me… was that too much to ask? Just to enjoy my life?"
She curled up into her knees, hugging them so tightly, "This girl had it way worse than me and here I am whining like a little bitch…"
She looked up, eyes puffed up and reddened against her clear skin, "Why am I in this world!? In some dead woman's body!? Why am I wrapped up in all of this shit!? There must be a reason! Why can't you leave me alone life!?"
Refined in tone and like a songbird, even while screaming… Perhaps it was that elegance that made her voice that much scarier when angry. Her vocal cords having more muscle memory than she had memories of the face in the mirror.
"And now I'm in some in adventuring party… I can't be leading something like that…
Hotaru… you barely questioned me and went to heal that thing… why would you trust me so much…? I almost got you killed…
I'm filled with expectations… that I need to figure this all out. Why can't you just make it easy for one goddamn second?" weaker and weaker her voice went, hiding behind her knees.
"Why is some dark force after me and why can't it kill me…?"
"I'm so tired…"
"I just want to die," she whispered. She looked around, dust flying around and the sunlight twinkling into dust. There she sat, looking around as the clouds passed by, silently.
_
'I've been here before…' Sat on the ground and searching around. Seconds, minutes, who cared… It all felt like one moment… that moment where nothing mattered.
How many times did he look for a rope thick enough? How many times did he wish there was just a knife at his throat? That moment of contemplation.
'Can I finally be at peace then?' A single thought remained… Seconds… Minutes… All those hours trying to imagine what that sweet release would be like…
But… 'Why didn't I?' If that moment kept coming back then why was she still here? 'Am I that scared…? Am I that weak…?'
"Why am I still alive?"
'The universe doesn't care about anything, but you always get to me somehow…'
"I spent my life like a zombie… how many years did I just want to live my life? Do I want to die having done nothing with my life?"
'How many millions of people spend their entire lives doing that? There's nothing wrong with studying or working in an office, but I didn't want that… Do I want to be like them?'
"No. I wanted to be that one in a million… Even if I had no chance, I wanted to try… but why?"
'… …Because you hated being told what to do. If it wasn't my choice, I will do everything to go against it… Authority… I hate being told what to think as if I have no free will…'
A memory of Jotou's parents, teachers; motivational speakers Jotou did not want to listen to because Jotou was forced to.
A little chuckle came out of her lips, "I didn't feel like doing a bunch of stupid 'motivational' exercises some dude tried to make a crowd do… I remember being scolded for not doing it… and I would act like I was joining in and then wouldn't," laughter escaped.
'What a stupid memory to have right now…'
"My friends," she remembered that night in that car, trying to cheer Jotou up… "I miss you…" her eyes produced drops, "But if I give up, I won't remember you. I would want you to know I'm strong enough to keep going…"
'Then stand.'
"I've been here before and I'm here again." The urge to stand up and punch a wall. Every. Single. Time. Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow can be different.
She breathed in and out, getting on her feet. "Fumeko, Hotaru and Asobi are waiting; my friends are waiting for me."
If all it takes is one bad day to make it all go south, then it only takes one good day to make it all up.
'When life keeps throwing things to stop you… when have you ever let it? If it told you to stay down,'
"Then I'd stand; you don't tell me what to do."
'And when you smile, it frowns because,'
"I refuse to let you win," Jotou walked up to the window, the sunset gazing back as she wiped her face with the back of her hand.
'That talking velatos…'
"It's probably laughing at me," her heart skipped a beat.
'You're no one special.'
Her hands grasped the windowsill, watching the clouds and the golden strands being blown across her face, "Then I'll prove to you that I can be…"
A smirk grew on her face, "You can't leave me alone, can you?" she spoke to the wind, "You haven't broken me before and I still won't break; I refuse," she knitted her brows with a smile.
'This world… I'm caught up in all of this somehow… Why and how, I don't know; but the answers aren't going to come to me if I don't even try—if I don't keep trying.'
"I won't give up so easily," she faced the clouds, "Throw me hell and I won't kneel!" she shouted out, uncaring of the people below possibly hearing the yell of a madwoman.
She left the sill, smiling and laughing to herself, "Man, I can't believe I was about to do that. Ugh, Jotou you idiot," she shook her head, "How am I still sane?"
She exhaled, "I know what I said life, but try not to throw me hell, huh?" she let all her giggles out, "I'll keep going," she told in seriousness to herself, facing the mirror once more.
How long had it been since a reflection showed Jotou a genuine smile, in this life or the other? "Your memory lives with me now. I'm sorry you got me, but I'll be your friend," she jested.
Jotou looked at the vanity, all the utensils and makeup she knocked over. The room filled with random articles of clothing and that plush puppy on the bed…
_
They now were on Jotou's dresser. The plush doll at the side of her bed and some picked out clothes she decided to keep. She sat at the mirror, holding mascara, "How the hell do I do this?"
"JOTOU!!!" the voice pierced through the house at night; mascara jittered across her eye… Jotou ran out of her room, Hotaru dazedly ran out of her room alongside Asobi.
Fumeko had burst open the front door—leaves and twigs trapped in her hair, missing shoe, face and clothes dirtied by dirt and food.
"The hell are you yelling like my mother for?" Jotou checked her own ears, a black line going over and past her eye.
Fumeko panted, walking in, "I found them. I found the Lexokodac…" she fell, face first on the sofa.
"Hey, go clean up first," Hotaru scolded.
"Did they do that to you?" Asobi pointed with her wand.
"No," the exasperated brunette replied, "I've just had a really eventful day."
"Well, maybe if you two could let me in on the plan before doing it, I could've helped. Jotou came back and I was worried you hadn't. We were gonna go look for you soon," Hotaru folded her arms with a, "Hmph."
"Jotou told us what you two were up to. Great job!" Asobi clapped.
"Hehaha…" They all turned, the soft giggling catching the three's attention, "We'll go in the morning," Jotou laughed as she stated, covering her mouth.
"What's so funny?" Fumeko glared.
"Nothing… Just that you look like a rat that escaped the gutter," she giggled harder.
"…I'm gonna stab your eyes out."