I've been crossing parts with a beautiful, gentle looking girl recently. She hasn't noticed me yet since I always start to panic the exact second I see her and hide behind all kinds of things. Our eyes have never met and I am sure that it's for the best.
I've never felt this way but for some reason I can't stop thinking about her. I catch myself hoping to meet her whenever I go outside. She is the reason I keep acting weird, like hiding behind things... for others I must look like a total creep, right?
For quite some time I've been trying to erase her from my mind but I seem to have fallen in love with her. I am not the kind of girl she would like... I am not friendly, I usually don't like humans and I am bad with dealing with emotions and relationships. The only thing I actually love doing is driving around on my motorcycle. Driving to the beach on hot summer evenings and watching the sunset eases my mind but since I am alone I unfortunately have too much time to think about things.
Why am I even attracted to her? I've never been attracted to a human... or maybe she is not human? Could she be immortal like me? That might make falling in love with her even worse. If she is another immortal, if she is an immortal from heaven there could never be any kind of good relationship between us.
Wait... falling in love? What exactly is Love? Having butterflies in your stomach? Not being able to stop smiling when you get a stupid and silly text by the girl who has supposedly stolen your heart? Blushing like crazy and not being able to control your emotions?
I always thought that I am not capable of being in love and I probably would still think so today if those exhausting emotions and annoying thoughts about her wouldn't be flooding me continuously. Who would have thought that meeting someone by chance and falling in love with them at first sight was actually a thing? Besides, I've never even talked to her... I really am going crazy... Not even once in my life have I thought about what it would feel like to really be in love.
A roller coaster going up and down and in circles and loopings, heavy rain and thunder suddenly turning into sunshine, painful hail emerging to gentle and lightly falling snow and the other way around. There is no way to find words which match the feeling of falling in love perfectly and I am not going to try finding them.
For some people being in love is like watching the fireworks at a summer festival with the one you admire in the middle of an old traditional japanese town surrounded by the beauty of history and nature, for others it's like trying to survive a heavy storm in the middle of the ocean while a giant monster is trying to pull you into the depths of the dark and deep water.
Honestly, it's both. The worst thing that could ever happen to you is falling deeply for someone while knowing that person won't ever like you back.
Having a broken heart before even confessing isn't romantic at all and yet here I am whining about some girl that doesn't even know I exist. I want to keep my image of not being emotional up. Usually people are scared of me because of my dark looks. Many are scared of my tattoos. They often think that I am part of some gang... well the bike probably adds to that suspicion. But if they would know that I am whining about being in love no one would ever take me serious again.
In my case having a broken heart is inevitable.
I am lost, lost in confusion, lost in pain, lost in my feelings. I feel like I'm losing myself and who I used to be. A while ago I was strong, happy with being alone and all by myself and ready to face, destroy everything that wouldn't let me live my life the way I wanted it to be.
Wanting to hold on to them but also feeling like you have to let them go in order to be happy. That's what's happening to me right now. She excites me, gives me some kind of feeling that I've never felt before but at the same time it's a painful feeling to bear.
It's a never ending vicious cycle, a loop of doom and pain.
Love is like a disease, like a curse that can't be cured.