Mark barely managed to convince Gabriel to get up and dress up to attend the funeral.
Gabriel was switching between being in complete denial, to a point of ridiculousness, to breaking down into violent sobs.
Eva stood by the door, observing the argument go back and forth. She rolled her eyes when Gabriel repeated the same argument for the third time.
"I am telling you. It's a joke. She must've played a practical joke on all of us." Gabriel mumbled as he was trying to button up his shirt.
"Yeah, one heck of a practical joke." Eva rolled her eyes again.
"She wouldn't have just died." Gabriel whined again and tears started running down his face.
Eva let out a sigh and started helping Gabriel do the buttons up. Mark brought him a tissue.
"I know that it's going to be a hard day. We're going to make it through. You will make it through." Eva said, but she hardly believed her own words.
"I've bought twenty tissue boxes and ten handkerchiefs." Mark declared. "I have a flask of whiskey, painkillers, and sedatives."
"See, he's prepared." Eva patted her brother on the back.
"Are you still okay to give a eulogy?" Mark asked for the fifth time.
"I'll try my best." Gabriel said honestly.
Alex came not much later.
"How is he?" He asked Eva who stood outside of the room.
"He wailed for thirty minutes. Smoked ten cigarettes. Swore that this isn't real and some nightmare. Went through a box of tissues. I'd say that he could've been worse."
"Certainly." Alex nodded before he braved coming into the study. Gabriel was on the sofa, crying again.
"Ready?" Alex asked unsure of what else to say.
"As ready as I'm ever going to be." Gabriel stood up with a wobble.
Mark went to pick up Zoe, Gina and Joe, whilst Alex drove with Gabriel and Eva.
Tenths of people, if not hundreds, gathered in the small church. It was busy. The quiet hum echoed in the tall arches of the building.
"I can't do this." Gabriel said about to turn around, holding onto the wrinkled piece of paper that he reread and re-wrote through most of the morning.
"Get it together, man." Alex said, tapping Gabriel on his back.
Gabriel froze by the entrance unwilling to move, but as Zoe, Mark, Gina and Joe arrived, they left very little room for discussion.
Gabriel was pushed to sit in the front row, beside Claire's close family. Part of him was still in disbelief that he was part of that family. He was placed between Alex and Leanne. Perhaps, because they all knew that he was Alex's friend and they wanted him at ease, or perhaps it was to separate him from Nonna who could not stop complimenting him between her laments.
Several people stood up to give the eulogy. Each reminisced over how wonderful Claire was, forgetting to mention the misery of her life. They all tried to remember the good, forgetting her sacrifices, forgetting her hurt, forgetting her pain. Gabriel didn't forget. He didn't want to forget any of her.
A month. Over a month since he last held her. He hoped to see her one last time but the casket was closed. He hoped to steal another glimpse of her stunning face, with soft features, long eyelashes, and with a small button nose.
Gabriel was the last one to walk up to the podium. Only now he realised the actual number of people in the church. It was filled, all benches filled to the brim, and then there were people standing. Claire's life, cut so short, had a lot of impact on everyone around her.
He recognised her colleagues from Diamond Corporate, her clients, and her acquaintances.
He even saw Pierre at the back of the church. He didn't notice him at first until Pierre fidgeted.
Claire's parents sat the nearest to him, crying. They were in no better shape than him.
"Today is a day that I hoped to never live through." Gabriel said with his shaken voice. It was challenging to speak them out. It felt as if he had to fight something stuck in his throat. "Claire, as some of you know, was my dearest wife. Many before me spoke of Claire's life. They probably did a much better job than I will. If she heard my speech today, she'd most definitely have laughed at my poor attempt to string the words together so that they have a meaning, any meaning at all. But, there are no words that I can put together that'll depict just who Claire was. It is my pathetic attempt to describe someone's entire life in a few sentences." Gabriel clenched his fists. Tears were pouring down his cheeks. "She made it seem that the universe was made just to be seen by my eyes. Claire showed me what it means to be human. She showed me what life was about. She showed me a love that is beyond any comprehension. Right now I would give anything to swap places with her." Gabriel raised his voice. "Without her, I'm as good as dead. Without her, the silence echoes through my chest. Without her, I wish I could cease to exist" Mark and Zoe walked up to Gabriel calming him down and helping him down the podium. "She couldn't just leave me. She isn't that selfish! I need to see her!" Gabriel demanded from them two as they stepped down, pointing at the closed coffin. "I need the proof that it is her!"
Mark and Zoe pushed Gabriel out of the room. Gabriel punched the wall in frustration and anger and then fell to the floor. He curled up and sobbed uncontrollably. They sat down with him for a while, not getting in his way and waiting for him to come to his senses.
"Gabriel, do you think you can make the procession?" Zoe asked carefully. "The service is almost over. We need to say goodbye to Claire."
"She can't be gone." Gabriel said, his voice shaking. He slowly started to become numb again.
"Do you think we need to sedate him again?" Zoe whispered to Mark. Mark looked at Gabriel worriedly but he shook his head.
"The service will end in ten minutes." Gina walked in after them. "Mark, Zoe, are you still okay to be pallbearers?" Gina looked at Gabriel, not daring to ask him.
"Yes." They answered quietly.
Gabriel slowly sat up, shaking and sobbing. Mark took out a bottle from the inside of his suit, offering it to Gabriel.
"Might not be much of a help…" he said quietly.
"I'm glad I'm not the only one." Zoe said reaching for a flask in her handbag. "For courage…" She took a deep gulp, wiping her own tears away.
Gabriel shook his head, refusing the flask. He stood up, wiping his face clean. He swept the dirt off his suit, trying to compose himself.
Gina looked at him, still afraid to ask.
"Is there a space for me?" Gabriel asked.
"Yes." Gina nodded. "If you wish, you'll be at the front with Mr Thompson. Then it's Zoe and Mark, and then myself with Alex."
"You sure that you're up for it?" Mark asked him, patting him on his back, and looking cautiously at his dead arm.
"It's the last time I get to walk by her side." Gabriel responded.
Mark nodded. They came back into the church, awaiting the end of the service. Mr Thompson came up to Gabriel, squeezing his left shoulder tightly without a word. There were no words needed. They all ached internally, each showing it differently. As the service ended, as advised by Gina, they all stood on the sides of the casket. Gabriel on the right, Joseph on the left. Each of them shed silent tears as they picked the handles and lifted the wooden box. The ring clinched against the metal bar.
They were the first to leave the church leading the procession, followed by Claire's mum, and other family and friends.
The casket wasn't heavy, but the burden they carried was the heaviest they ever felt.
They walked the path towards the cemetery, music echoing in the background. Gabriel didn't hear it. His ears were ringing. His sight was blurred from the tears. He didn't know how and when they reached the deep hole in the ground. With shaking hands, they lowered the casket onto the ropes, and then they lowered it into the ground.
As the casket rested on the cold soil, Mr Thompson grabbed Gabriel's arm and pulled him to the side, so that he stood beside him and Mrs Thompson. He didn't say it but he was thankful for that.
Gabriel was given some roses to throw down before they started covering the casket.
Barely knowing what was happening, he did what he was told to. As time went by, the casket was slowly covered, and each person passed by to offer their condolences. None of which Gabriel heard. He didn't care. He watched as more and more soil was placed between him and Claire. He watched in a daze as the six feet started to feel like an infinite distance.
It started raining, but none of them moved. Claire's parents, Gabriel, Gina, Zoe, and Mark. They stood unmoved. Soon they all were soaked, but none of them dared to move first.
Joe was the first one to approach Gina and try to move her away. Silently Gina, Zoe and Mark left.
Leanne squeezed Gabriel's hand.
"It's time." She said softly towards him. "She isn't going anywhere. We can come back to her tomorrow."
"I don't want her to be alone." Gabriel said quietly. "I don't want her to sleep alone." He cried again. "She struggles sleeping when she's alone."
"I know." Leanne nodded, still holding onto him. She pulled herself off the wheelchair, holding tightly onto Gabriel's arm. "I know." She repeated, crying with him, Joseph crying on her other side.
"She'll be cold." Gabriel said worriedly. "I don't even know if they put her cardigan with her. Or her glasses. Her eyes will strain if she doesn't have her glasses."
Gabriel cried again until eventually his tears dried out and he became numb.
He left with Leanne and Joseph, back to the villa. A few distant family members helped with the wake. Gabriel hid in the corner, avoiding everyone who tried to reminisce about Claire.
"I didn't realise Claire was married." Whispers carried across the room.
"Eat something." Gina came up to him passing him a plate of food. "Even if you're not hungry, eat something."
Gabriel nodded, taking a few bites of the food, not really tasting it.
"We were thinking of holding the Vigil tonight." Gina said quietly. "We were thinking of doing so at Claire's parents' apartment. Just the closest family and friends."
"Stay here." Gabriel said quietly. "It was Claire's home."
"Okay." Gina nodded, soon moving away as someone she knew started chatting with her.
Leanne came towards Gabriel. With shaking hands, she passed him a small package.
"Claire left it for you." She said quietly. "We found it in our apartment when we returned from my brother's place last night."
Gabriel took the package and tucked it away. Yet another package. Yet another sign that Claire prepared for what was coming.
Over the evening, guests started leaving the house, leaving the small group behind again. They sat down in the living room together, chatting quietly, barely a hum of voices. There were moments of complete silence before they mentioned a memory, a moment with Claire that they didn't ever want to forget, that they wanted to hold onto forever.
"Do you remember when she played at that recital?" Gina asked Zoe.
"Yeah." Zoe nodded. "She played the piano so beautifully."
"Somehow she managed to sneak the Tetris theme into classical music." Gina smiled.
"She made the entire room burst into laughter and she still won the competition." Zoe smiled. "What's your memory of Claire?" Zoe asked Mark.
"I remember the day I met her properly for the first time." Mark smiled. "I was tasked to find her and yet she was right under our noses."
"What do you mean?" Zoe looked at him with a raised brow.
"I saw Claire for the first time in the parking lot." Gabriel chipped in. "Then again in the Horton Club when she bumped into me as she admired the ceiling. I asked Mark to find out who she was as I couldn't take my eyes off her. Until one morning when I entered the elevator in our company's building and there she was. Right under my nose for years. Yet, I was too afraid to approach her. I've sent Mark to your department to work out who she was." Gabriel sighed. "I was such an idiot. I've wasted so much of that precious time. If only I knew…"
"God, you were ridiculous." Mark laughed even if his voice cracked and he tried to contain the tears.
"Yeah," Gabriel smiled as he wiped the tears.
"Did we ever tell you why you were fired?" Mark asked Zoe.
"No. Why?" Zoe asked curiously.
"Because that a*shole was jealous that you wore a blouse that he bought for Claire."
"You can't be serious?" Zoe asked in disbelief.
"I wish I was making it up." Mark laughed.
"What about you, Gabriel? What's your memory of Claire?" Gina asked him softly.
"I try to hold onto every single memory as if it was the biggest treasure. Every morning when I woke up and saw her peacefully sleeping, every time she smiled at me, every time her eyes widened in wonder, every time she teased me or used sarcasm. But one that will always stand out for me was the day when I saw her play the piano for the first time. She seemed to be in her element when she played, and she did it so effortlessly."
They nodded in agreement.
They remained awake into the early morning. He ensured that Leanne was comfy on the sofa with plenty of cushions and blankets.
"Did she play the piano for you?" Leanne asked with a tilted head that rested at the back of the sofa.
"Yes. Quite a few times." Gabriel nodded. "She recorder herself playing the piano on a CD as a gift for me." He moved swiftly and soon came back with it, playing it in the living room for everyone.
As the morning came, their friends started leaving. And then Claire's family, along with Alex, went to leave.
"Thank you for everything you did." Leanne said again, giving him another big hug before falling heavily into the wheelchair.
"Thank you." Gabriel replied.
"Make sure to come to visit us soon. When you're ready." Joseph said for the first time in a while. Gabriel was intimidated by him but he recognised that Joseph was slowly warming up to him too.