Sighing...
I hate how the things are going. I get upset over little things, start crying from nowhere, feel emotional all the time and the worst part, wanting to die. Just some days before, I fought with my father for the first time, raising my voice at him. My conscious mind says that I did right; but somewhere my subconscious mind is telling me that I was wrong.
Few days before...
"Mom, don't you think I have a good voice?! Maybe I should try going to a reality show or something. I'm sure I can make it."
"And why do you need to do that?! focus on your studies! I don't have time to tolerate you useless dreams."
"What's so bad about it?! Can't I even choose the career I want?! I've done as you guys wish by far. Now I just want to do something I wish to do. What's wrong with that?!"
"So, you're telling me that whatever dad paid to make you educated enough was for all this stupidity?! And what exactly is so good about being a singer?! Might as well go dance in the bar! Childrens these days, just want to act upon their own rules."
and.... this is where I lost it. I mean, I've been a good daughter for years, besides fighting with mom 1 or 2 times. All these years, I did everything they told me to do. Honestly, all my life decisions were taken by them. Where will I study, what faculty I'll choose, everything. I know everything is for my own good, but they should at least ask for my opinion.
It was Sunday. So pretty obviously, dad was home. But he was working with some files in the bedroom.
"Mom!! How could you even say that?! It's not that bad of job. And about my education, it was not me who wanted to study. It's just that I was good at it, and guys wanted me to do it so that you could brag about it in front of our relatives. Not to mention you guys not letting me do the job in this field too. You are just scared, "what if my daughter runs away with somebody?!" "Don't know what she might be doing behind our back?!" is all you guys think about. I wish you guys had a little bit of trust in me. It Would have been better if I wouldn't have studied this hard."
"Right!!! It's our fault to be honest!! To letting you study itself was our mistake. So what if we think that you might do something behind our back?! Doesn't every parents care about that?! Just because you've got more education than us doesn't give you the right to go above our decisions."
"Can't believe you guys are so doubtful about your own teachings to your daughter. If you wanted me to run on your orders, you shouldn't have let me have the idea of being able to do anything of my on. Might as well should've made me a slave."
"Yeah, right!!! I make you do everything in this house. All the house chores are done by you and I just sit on the couch all day. You've been brought up by us, you should consider it as our kindness that we even did it."
"I didn't applied to be born from you guys. If you regret birthing me, it's all your fault!! Not mine!!"
That line and father came from the bedroom, almost running towards my direction. And before I could say anything, he slapped my face so hard that I was on the ground. Piya came running from the room after hearing the voice of the slap. That scene itself humiliated me so bad, that I couldn't think of anything. Even though it was not the first time him slapping me, but he never raised a hand on me for anything else than the study matters. My whole face was feeling numb, and I was about to explode. Mom and I, we've fought several times, but I never even looked at father in the eye. But today, it was the time. After slapping me, he didn't stop there. He started shouting at me.
"I did not made you study so that you could show us this side of yours. Just because I didn't say anything till today about your misbehaving nature, doesn't mean you can say whatever that comes to your mouth. How dare you say that to your mom!!"
"Dad!! First of all mom was wrong!! and second I didn't say anything wrong!!"
"Oh!! Since when disrespecting your parents has been the right decision?!"
"But can't you give my decisions a thought rather than just rejecting them with whatever you say. You think that's right?!"
"A parent can never be wrong when it comes to taking decision for their child. Don't act like you know everything. You haven't even been to the real world yet. One step in and you'll come back crying."
"Mom was uneducated, but I did not expected this from..." before I can finish my sentence, I got my second cheek slapped, harder that before. Raging me to my peak.
"If you were going to behave like this with me, you should have killed me the day I was born!!" and all of this came out in shouts. Even though father said that I misbehave, I guarantee that this was his first time seeing me this angry. Before he could say anything, I ran to the store room and locked myself in. I tried to stay strong while yelling at them, but my heart couldn't take it. The moment I step in the store room and locked myself, my eyes started watering terribly. I shut my mouth close with both of my hands, so that they won't hear my muffles. My father was my pride, I used to dignify him to the point where I used to get real angry if someone says anything about him. It was my first time to fight with the person I respect and love the most. Till today, I respected every decision he took for me because I knew he won't be wrong. But today he really hurted my pride. Without even giving it a thought, how can they decide that my dream is stupid. Even though there are several other things, I only live upto my music. That is the only thing I could be in peace with. I never expected someone to be by my side, but I somehow knew that dad would never leave my side. Till today!! From this day onwards I knew I can never fully rely on anybody. Alone in the store room, without turning the lights on; I was crying silently in the dark. Those two slaps were enough for me to wake up from the fairytale I was wishing to be in. I don't want to act like a good girl and I don't want your filthy love for acting as you want. It was time for me to manage my emotional capabilities. Not anybody can come and hurt me as they want. This would be the last day of you seeing me as a well behaved person. Speaking the facts will be my only motive. And I will show them the real meaning behind the word "Ruthless". Now the rules are mine. Break them before they even try to scratch you. I was trying by level best, but the flow of tears was not stopping. It was my first time feeling this hurt. So bad that I decided to be emotionless. But not today!! I'll have to cry today. Because even if I want to stop them, they won't stop.
My eyes were numb. Whenever I tried to stop crying and control my emotions, the tears won't stop and they came out right after seconds. I didn't know how am I going to manage myself in this household. Because it was highly impossible for me to talk to them, at least for a few days.
In the present time...
Besides being a crybaby for that whole night, the tears somehow stopped after that. I would do my things quietly and leave the house to go to school. Even though I didn't cry, it was written all over my face that something definitely happened. Ana knew my situation and also the fact that I hated being asked about something I don't wanna share, so she would never force me to talk. But some of my classmates were asking me for a few times now, if I were ok. And I would give them a faint smile saying that I'm fine. It didn't really mattered what I tell them, they didn't cared anyways. They'd ask it because, I wasn't answering the questions in the class for a few days and they were being targeted to answer by our teachers. It was fun how they felt my existence important after that. Teachers would never force me to answer any question, because they were aware about my nature. They knew I wouldn't act up without any reason. And Ana once told me that my stressed out face is so scary that people would run away just by looking at me. I liked it, because it kind of keep me away from any troubles and problems.
I did what I decided upon. That incident changed me so much that even Ana was surprised the way I changed. She suspected it to be temporary but it somehow had a big and long lasting effect on me than anybody expected. It wasn't just a fling. I wouldn't talk to anybody unless it has something to do with my benefit. Even though I reconciled with my parents, I wouldn't talk to them unless it's very important. I kept myself away from anyone I could possibly get hurt by. No more depression needed. The only thing my parents wanted me to focus on now was my studies. And If that's what you want, I'll give it to you but with some extra unexpected changes. Even though it was 20th century, all my friends had themselves a mobile, besides me. Which deliberately caused me to focus on studies more efficiently. So my final goal was to pass the high school with highest score possible and get into a good university. That's what I was aiming for, that was the only thing I wanted desperately.
The whole reason behind getting into a good university was to get away from home. The girl who used to crave home, wanted to get away from it. My fullproof plan was to get a part time job before getting into university so that I can manage the rent, and which would cut off one more reason for why I shouldn't leave home. I even searched up the location and the rental prices it would cost me to stay near my desired college. The only hardship I'm supposed to get through is my parents permission.
Let's pray I get what I want this time.