"There's always this one stupid mistake, that changes everything." You don't even realise it and start to fall deep down the sea of guilt. Some of us are so self-conscious and fragile that even a little mistake hurts our confidence and makes us think about weird consequences coming our way.
I was trying to comfort myself by saying, "Meera, it's ok! You didn't mean it! It's not like you planned it or something!" But again my subconscious mind would say, "You Did Hurt Her! There's no coming back from what you did! This is what you call being Responsible?!" My mind was contemplating with myself. Making me feel guilty and on the other side, comforting me as well.
My hands were shaking. Those hours, while I wait for father to come home, were the longest hours I experienced at that time. Constantly looking at watch and door, & checking footsteps; I was preparing to get a wholesome amount of beating. That was not some small mistake. Hitting someone's head was the biggest deal in itself and to make it worse it was a baby head, which is not even strong yet, don't ask me how I felt.
I was sitting in a corner of our extra storage room. When mom asked me to go in my room, she probably forgot we just had one bedroom, in which she went with Piya, which obviously made me stay out of that room. So, the only option I had was store room. I heard the doorknob unlocking. I knew it was the time father gets home. I prepared myself to confess. "The best way to get less punishment is to confess", is what my dad taught me. Father or mother, they both never one's had really raised a hand upon me, but I was pretty sure it was the time.
My eyes were all red and puffy because I cried so much. I tried to stop crying, so that I could face father. It's now or never, is what I thought. Wiping all the tears off my eyes, I stood up and went out, to confess. I tried to have a sneak peek first, so that I can see where was mom and as expected, she was preparing dinner table. I was still shakin a little, so i tried to calm down myself. I heard mom telling dad to be shower fast. She probably knew I was standing there, quietly trying not to get caught. She was silent while preparing, Piya on the side sitting in her baby cart. I guess Piya was ok now, and I suddenly heard mom calling me, "Meera! No need to hide there. I'm not gonna do anything to you. So, come and sit for dinner."
Even though she called me out, my feets just wouldn't move from the hallroom floor where I was hiding. The bathroom door opened and dad said to mom, "What happened?! Who are you talking to?!" I was expecting mom to tell the truth to dad, right away but she probably wanted me to confess myself. So she said, "Ask your daughter, what exactly happened!" Dad saw me hiding behind the hallroom wall. He came walking towards me, took me by hand and made me sit on the dinner table. He was pretty calm and was handling the matter diligently. I had my head down, so dad knew I did something wrong. "Meera.. Tell me what happened?! I promise I won't yell at you, ok?!", he said. To that i responded with, "You really promise that you won't yell at me?! You I can't take it when your voice rises, right?!". Dad assured saying, " I already promised I won't ok! So, tell me what happened?!"
I started explaining, how I was helping mom with cleaning hallroom and I wasn't aware that Piya was playing behind me and I did this stupid trick with broom which made Piya to have that bruise on her head. Dad looked tired, probably because he just came home from work and had to face my stupidity. He ran his hand over his face, as if irritated. I closed my eyes shut, prepared to take all his anger. So even before dad could say anything I started apologizing, "I'm sorry dad, I really didn't mean that?! Even though, I know I sometimes act stupid for attention but I would never hurt Piya. I'm really really sorry. Please forgive me, I promise I'd never be so reckless and irresponsible again.. ple..." and my voice turned into loud sobs. But before I could say anything else, he sat down on his knees, right beside my chair on which I was sitting and said, "Meera, I know you wouldn't have meant that. My Meera is a good girl, I know! And besides I never taught you to be a brat, right?! Now stop crying." Then he turned to mother and said, "Are you serious Mum?! You know our Meera isn't like that! Why would you make so much fuss out of it. I know she did a mistake but she's sorry." My mother was calm but still a little sulking said, "I didn't say anything to her, it's just what if something bad could have happened?!" "But it didn't right?!And besides she's sorry, so calm down and lets have dinner." Mother didn't say anything or she probably agreed with father but didn't wanted to show me. So we jut sat there in kitchen in silence, dad feeding me because I felt down, simultaneously having a bite himself too.
Everything seemed to be normal. So I was not crying anymore. Mom was not sulking anymore. But I still had this little guilt inside that I couldn't get over. Why?! Because I never said sorry to mom. I was to see an opportunity to do so but she was busy cleaning dishes and making bed. So I waited until she was done with everything. I went to the bedroom, Piya was already sleeping. So I sat beside her. I was just touching the soft palm of her hands and she suddenly grabbed my fingers. I couldn't get them out because I was afraid I'd wake her up. Two minutes in and mom entered the bedroom, she asked me what I was doing in there. I was about answer her, but then she came and sat beside me. And then she said, "Meera, I wasn't angry or something. I knew you didn't do it on purpose, but you could have been more responsible, right?! After all, you're also the one who's gonna take care of her in near future." I think I finally could understand why she shouted at me when piya got hurt. It was practically her way of protecting her child at any cost. I could understand because I'm also an older sister, and someone would hurt my sister, I would also have got angry. So without thinking further I apologized to mums saying, "I'm sorry for being irresponsible mom. I promise I'll take care of her in the future and I'll be careful around her." Mom smiled. It was enough for me to know that she forgave me.
They say, "When you make mistakes, there are only three things you should ever do about it: Admit it, Learn from it and Don't repeat it."
Yeah! You made a mistake! But the time when you accept that you're wrong, is when you actually can forgive yourself and trust me! You need your own forgiveness rather than others. If you can forgive yourself, you can move on and that way, you won't affect yourself as well as your beloveds.
That day, I knew what it meant by asking for forgiveness. The person who makes mistakes, is the one who should be aware about at what level it might would have affected others. A small mistake and it would ruin someone's life without your realisation.
It was time to go to bed. We all were in bed already, I slept at father's side and Mum held Piya close to her. I was relieved by the forgiveness acceptance of my own mistake.
Sometimes, mistakes happen without you knowing it, but since you were the root cause of it, you are supposed to be sorry, so that the ones you are close to, won't get hurt.