I sat in the hospital room. As always, Ayaka was lying on the bed, not moving. As if to deliver a show on all the possible tragedies in this world. As if you were doing a 100% achievement run in a game, Ayaka was tortured with every possible tragedy imaginable. I thought that stone was the origin of this loop. But, nothing changed even after I destroyed it. What's right? What's wrong? I don't know. I don't understand anything.
"…Yamada -kun."
"…Yumiko…"
As I was mentally and physically exhausted, she entered the room, but didn't say a thing. She must have realized that nothing could heal my broken Akil. And while staying silent, she just caressed my hair. Like a gentle mother would when protecting her child.
"…I'm with you."
"…"
I want to be with Ayaka. That desire…I still feel it even now. Stronger than ever. Because I love her. That is how I feel…but that's also why…I just want her to find peace.
"…Ayaka…I…"
The words I started found no closure. I just sat on my chair in silence, as time passed mercilessly when even Yumiko had disappeared. And yet, I couldn't even stand it anymore. My head wouldn't allow me to think properly. I couldn't even look ahead…And then, it happened.
'It is time for you to choose.'
Without remorse, without restraint, that voice entered my head.
'Will you continue to walk through this hell while making your beloved one suffer? Or will you give up and choose a different path?'
Was…Was all my fighting against fate…my rebellion against destiny…futile? Was giving up…my only way out of this? And did this voice go so far as to torture me…just to make me realize this?
'This will be the last time. That's why, just this once…' The voice continued as if to crush my own thoughts. 'I will allow you to speak with the girl, as she has all her memories.'
Seconds later, the world erupted.
The sky was eerily blue. It was a strong and refreshing blue, which immediately made me think of the word "Summer." And since it was so beautiful, it was so unmatching to the conversation we would share from now on. I can't feel refreshed like this. We stood on the rooftop of our high school. It's where Yumiko, Ayaka, and I once ate lunch together. As if it was a world made just for us, there were no other people around. And beneath the dazzling sky—there she stood. The bright sunlight created a long shadow running from her legs.
Through all the different loops, I had always returned to the very beginning. But if what that voice said is true…then this is different. But I was terrified of accepting that, so my feet wouldn't even move toward her.
"…Aki-Kun," Ayaka called my name.
The moment I heard her, I knew. That voice spoke the truth. Right now, the Ayaka in front of me…held no resemblance of hope. Because she possessed the memories of the endless hell she had gone through up to this point.
"…Kazu…"
I couldn't even fully call her name before I stopped myself. What could I even say to her? I promised to protect her and yet forced her to live through that hell again and again.
"Aki-Kun…This is the end," her smile was weak and fragile, like the bubbles of ramune disappearing into the water, as she declared the ending of it all. "Thank you…for everything."
This was undoubtedly the last time. Ayaka had no 'from now on' or 'after this' any longer. And yet…Even so—she smiled.
"…Why…"
She should be the one who's suffering the most. Why…How can she smile despite everything? All…All she does is smile…!
"Why are you thanking me? I didn't do a damn thing that would deserve your gratitude. You deserve to blame me. Are you really fine with this? You can't be, right? Going through that hell…again and again!"
"I would be lying if I said it didn't phase me. Because…you tried to save me this whole time. Even though I forced you through all that…You kept on holding my hand. You kept me connected to this world. How could I blame you? I'm thankful to you. However…"
As if to push my back…to urge me to find a different path after this…Ayaka smiled again. And yet, her eyes were filled with pain that she could barely contain. Just like that one morning…when she time leaped back to the past.
"I don't want to see you getting hurt anymore…I can't bear to see you hurt, Aki-Kun…"
I don't wanna hear that. But because she made it so clear, I had nothing I could argue back with. Our feelings are one. We both don't wish to hurt each other with any more loops. Any more than this…would just be ludicrous. We continue down the same path of just hurting each other. We have to draw the line somewhere. Put an end to it eventually.
"That's why…Aki-Kun. This is my final request."
And even so…I don't want to hear it.
"Please, forget about me. Please walk the path after this…together with Yumiko-san. Please…choose a future that will make you happy."
"Shut up! Don't say another word! And…don't smile like that…!" I screamed to the point my throat burned up with pain, but my voice held no impact. "We've been together since we were little shits. I've spent the better half of my life with you by my side. Half of me…No, you are all of me. How could I forget about you?! I like your smile. I wanted you to always smile! But, right now…your face…it's not what I wanted…!"
"…Aki-Kun." Ayaka's hand touched my cheek.
It was so gentle, like I would get sucked into it.
"The reason I smile…the reason I try to smile…is because it's you, Aki-Kun. Because you've always stayed by my side."
Her eyes were quivering, as tears started to build up. It was so…beautiful, I was forced to keep staring at her, despite being painfully aware that this will be the last time.
"I've always…always liked you, Aki-Kun. You've made me happy more times than I can count. Having you by my side…Seeing you smile like the stubborn dummy you are…Pulling my hand when we ran to school…Ruffling through my hair with such gentle feelings…Always supporting me in my time of need…I was happy. No matter what ending may await me, the countless and countless memories I have thanks to you…will never change. They will never disappear. That's why…this is enough. I've gotten so many things from you. So, you have to become happy. Experience my share, too…No, you have to be happy with Yumiko-san…for my sake."
The reason she rephrased that final part was to give me another push. To ensure that I couldn't speak against her wish.
"I…really loved you, Aki-Kun."
No words could be so sweet…yet so painful, as they sucked me in. But, she spoke in a passive tense. It's different than what she told me before…because now, her words hold no 'present' or 'future' any longer. I could feel my heart slowly being ripped to shreds. Continuing to look for another way out that possibly didn't exist…after hearing Ayaka's wish…would just be a means for my own self-satisfaction. I have to give up. Walking a different path…one that could bring me happiness…That is what Ayaka wishes for.
She…may die. But, that is one type of conclusion. Because then, she'll be freed from the endless hell and suffering she had been through up to now. And by Ayaka's death as compensation…I can obtain a happy future with Yumiko. That's why…this must be the only way out of this despair. There's no other path I could take. And if that voice was truly the devil, then this was just a little game to get our hopes up, simply crushing them by the end. There was no salvation. That's what that bastard wanted us to experience.
Ayaka let go of my hand, slowly walking away from me. She turned my back toward me, walked toward the fence of the rooftop, and then turned around again. No matter how much I struggled, the result was the same. It's always been like this. If so, then she probably wanted to be the one to end it all…herself.
"Goodbye, Aki-Kun."
She declared her goodbyes, and as if it had waited for that, the fence she leaned against disappeared. I felt so eerie but at the same time so natural, I didn't even realize.
"—Ayaka!"
Everything happened in slow motion, as Ayaka gradually fell backward. And yet, I reacted just a second quicker, grabbing her hand. With my right hand, I held hers, and with my left, I grabbed onto the bottom part of the fence. Despite Ayaka being so fragile and light, my raw arm strength was barely enough, as I fought the pain of my arm feeling like it would get torn off.
"Hehe…It's…too late now." Ayaka didn't even consider the possibility of climbing up again.
I may have held her hand, but she didn't return my grip. Like she was fine just falling into the abyss, as she dangled below me.
"I told you, right? This is the end. You have to let go of my own hand and take Yumiko-san's. Because then…you'll have a future," she said, urging me to ease my grip on my hand holding hers.
That's right. Just like Ayaka said, there's no other way. Rather than repeating that hell for all eternity, if I just let go here, then Ayaka won't have to suffer anymore. I…have to let go of her hand. Let go of—
"…!"
"…Aki…chan…?"
There, something entered my mind. A red ribbon fluttered in the wind, as it was tied to Ayaka's wrist. All this time, I was so obsessed with the fact that this would be our final conversation…so focused on our conversation…so desperate to capture as much of her as possible before it was too late…that I didn't even realize. But, there was no doubt in my mind. It was the red color of destiny. The ribbon I tied around her wrist that one time to create a bracelet.
Even though…this happened so long in the past. How moronic. She kept treasuring it all this time…But, this is who she is. This is Ayaka—Always smiling. Wishing for the happiness of others. Treasuring even the smallest things. She's a bottomless idiot…and yet so kind. She's…the girl the most important to me in this whole world.
"Come on…let go…?"
And yet, that girl was pleading like that. So, that hand, I—
"…Hell…no…!"
I firmly grasped it. Even stronger than before.
"Even so…I won't accept this…!"
A severe pain pierced my arm. I was getting worried it might actually get torn off soon. But, that didn't matter. I'll let that devil have an arm or two.
"I don't want this kind of ending! I want you…by my side. I want you to live. I want you to laugh! With me! Forever!"
There was no sugarcoating it anymore. All hesitation and shame were long gone. I just spit out my honest feelings. Selfish, childish, self-centered, absurd feelings.
"I can't become happy without you. Without your smile, I can't keep on living. I'm well aware that I'm only hurting you like this. And I hate myself for being unable to accept this conclusion despite being powerless to protect you. I'm the worst. I'm human trash…Nothing more than a lump of grotesque ego—But, I still don't want to give up! I don't wanna give up! I don't wanna give up! I don't wanna give up!"
Yumiko's words flashed up in my head. That even if you lose someone important to you, you can still become happy with someone else…and call that a happy end. Yeah, you could very well say that. Even if I gave up here, there might be people who say "You've done well. You can rest now." And then, I might find an ending that allows me to be happy after I've overcome all grief and loss. But…this is reality. It's not some story. Even if a hundred people said "This is the best solution," then I will be the one person to reject this ending.
"What I want…is the best goddamn happy ending that will absolutely crush and destroy all and every insurmountable tragedy and sorrow! Some half-assed happy ending isn't gonna satisfy me! Like I give a shit about the people who say this is good enough! You can tell me to accept it all you want…But I'm going to reject this ending as many times as it takes! Listen up, Ayaka! Even if you die right here, I'll never ever become happy! No matter how many women hit on me, I'll spend the rest of my life all by myself…unable to forget you…unable to get over you…as I cry myself to sleep and stay in my room like a hermit! And when it's time for me to die, I'll call your name until I take my final breath! Don't think you can just piss off and get off scot-free by telling me to 'be happy,' you hear me?!"
What a pathetic monologue. I was basically just giving in to my feelings, threatening the girl I loved. This was even worse than a sulking child. But…
"Maybe you should consider the feelings of the poor sucker who loses the person they love the most only to be left behind without them in this rotten world, forced to live on for their sake!!"
When she said 'Forget about me and be happy,' she wasn't any better than me. She was just speaking nonsense to satisfy me. Deep down, these words were just as cruel as everything I just said.
"Also…if you die, then I've got no reason to keep going myself. In fact, I might honestly just join you instead…But, even so…!"
We both wish to be freed. But, we don't want to die. We want to be happy. We want to be able to smile. I want to have Ayaka by my side as I enjoy my peace. It was that simple…It's that simple of a wish. We're not going to keep living even if we have to suffer. Like I care about a life with pain but hope can be a beautiful thing. The best possible solution is to live a happy and joyful life, don't you think?! Just like idiots like us would!
"Ayaka…I love you! I love you so much, you don't even know! You're the person I care about the most in the whole world! That's why…"
I returned the words she threw at me that day, and see how she'll like that.
"If I can't be the happiest guy in the world…then there's no point to me being alive!"
My arm was slowly reaching its limit on how much it could handle…But the warmth I felt from Ayaka's hand…and the memories of our days together…When we ran to school like idiots…as I pulled her after me…Yeah. Pulling her with me… That…is my role.
"…"
Listening to my words, Ayaka's eyes were wide open in shock. However, those eyes—harbored light.
"…No point, huh?"
"Yeah. No point."
Ayaka remained quiet for a moment. Like she was thinking about something…pondering between the two choices she was given. Finally, her lips slowly opened.
"…I'm sorry."
These words sent a shock through my brain, making me almost blackout. Maybe she still is at her limit? I don't blame her. In fact, I'm just being selfish. But…
"I…had given up this entire time. I was just playing tough."
That apology of hers wasn't directed at my words.
"…Hehe, I'm such a dummy, right? I really forced myself…I couldn't stand the fact of not being able to be with you. I hated the idea of seeing you with another girl. I wanted to be the one next to you…!"
Midway through her monologue, large tears fell from her eyes. They shone bright like diamonds, reflecting the light of this clear summer day.
"Please…Aki-Kun. This is my true wish. I'm not lying or putting up a facade anymore…" Ayaka spoke to not lose against the tears. "No matter how many times you fail. No matter how many times I break…I want you to come and get me. I'll do my best…so, don't choose anybody else. Redo it over and over—And save me!"
Her eyes were filled with radiance…with vigor. Her words were filled with unbound hope…conveying absolute cruelty.
"…Do you really wish for that?"
I'm well aware that this choice will be much more painful than simply giving up. Especially since the one who'll suffer through all of it…will be Ayaka.
"Yeah."
Even so, her immediate answer was so refreshing and bracing.
"That's the best for me. You know…I'm a lot more selfish and self-centered than I might seem. Rather than falling down into hell countless times, the fact that we can't be together…hurts me even more. If I had to choose between you being happy with another girl and suffering for my sake for all eternity, then I honestly wouldn't know what to choose. Or rather, I don't like either of those choices. I can't pick either of them…! But if I told you that…I was worried you might come to hate me…and my desire to see you happy isn't fake or a lie. I'm okay if I'm the only one who is hurting, but letting you suffer in return…I wouldn't be able to bear it. That's why I wanted us to have a clear cut…and I held back from speaking my mind…But…if I'm allowed to say what I feel…if I'm allowed to be honest and selfish…Then…I don't want you to become happy with another girl. I don't want anybody else to have you! You're mine alone, Aki-Kun!"
"…Ayaka."
We were both saying some horrible stuff. I want Ayaka to experience that hell again and again, and Ayaka wants me to suffer through endless loops for her own sake. There's really no saving us. If anybody else saw this, they'd call us a bunch of morons. But to us…this is the best possible solution…and the only one.
"Please, Aki-Kun…I want you to be happy. And…I want to be the one to make you happy! That's why…"
The hand I had been holding this whole time twitched, as she returned my grip. Her warmth turned into strength, as I was given new life.
"Save me…as many times as it takes!"
It wasn't just me trying to save her by simply holding her hand. We would now walk this path down to hell together, hand in hand. What a…bewitching hand.
"Yeah, I promise."
My shoulder was about to pop out, but I put more strength into my grip, trying to pull up Ayaka.
"!"
However, yet again, it felt like salvation wasn't granted to us, even without the voice throwing in a remark. The remains of the fence I had held onto now broke off.
"Aki-Kun…!"
"It's okay."
Nothing about this was okay, but I still smiled as I reassured her. And to distract her, I continued.
"Hey, Ayaka. Once all this is over, let's do something together. Anything you want. We could visit a place you'd like to see, check out food you're interested in."
"Really? Yay! …Ah, I know. I wanna go to that field of sunflowers we visited when we were kids."
Normally, this was the moment where despair should swallow us whole. And yet, we pretended like everything was okay and smiled. Turning this tragedy into a comedy.
"That Sounds nice. It was such a relaxing place, after all."
"Yeah…We went to so many places and did so many things, huh?"
"Because we've always been together. Going to a festival, to the pool, to an amusement park…We were never separated."
"Hehe…We went to an amusement park with just the two of us, you know? We even checked out the city at night on the Ferris Wheel. And when I sat down next to you, you suddenly pulled my shoulder closer. Man, that had my heart racing…"
"D-Did I really do that…?"
"Hehe…You did. How could I have mistaken you?"
"I know…You've got a lot more memories with me that I never experienced, after all."
Those brief memories of us being a happy and lovey-dovey couple was so sweet I felt like throwing up sugar cubes, but when you're that happy, acting like idiots is the perfect mix.
"I…want to be with you. Even further than the future you know of."
"…Yeah, me too."
KRAKK
The fence I held on to couldn't withstand our weight, as it completely broke off. While we held hands, we fell down into the abyss. During this fall, I tightly embraced Ayaka. Until now, each time a tragedy struck, I always miraculously survived, as only Ayaka suffered. But this time, I don't even know what's going to happen. Will a loop happen if I die together with Ayaka? Or will we both die? It doesn't matter, honestly. I won't let go of her hand.
"Ayaka," I smiled at her, and she returned a smile.
As the idiots we were, even this situation overflowing with despair didn't bother us much. We weren't even playing tough. We just knew that embracing each other while smiling was exactly what we considered our happiness. And then we laughed again at how stupid we were for feeling this way. And while we laughed, we were slowly approaching the ground.
There's no saying us…and yet, I felt refreshed. So much that I could make fun of myself for acting like an idiot during the loops. Sure, as my life could possibly be nearing its end, I did wonder if I was happy with this outcome. But then again, I knew that Ayaka and I…as long as we're together, we're invincible. I won't give up on Ayaka, and she won't let me go, either. We won't stop being together. That's all this is…and that's all I need
—Then, something happened.
"!"
KSHIIIING, a loud Sound pierced our ears. It reminded me of glass shattering. Instinctively, I could tell that this Sound destroyed this cruel world we had walked through all this time. The scenery around us grew blurry, as even the ground beneath us vanished. Everything turned into particles of light and then lit up like fireflies. They emitted a faint light, putting life into the world around us. Then, scarlet red appeared, like the sun had begun to set. Clear blue like a river stream followed. Purple resembling the ajisai flower broke into the world. Snow white colors like wings danced through the sky…The entire world sparkled like a translucent rainbow—As if it was some type of blessing.
'Congratulations.'
And it wasn't just that. A voice celebrating and blessing us entered our heads. And, that voice…I had heard it all this time, but because it quickly vanished like bubbles, I couldn't make out the Akirce. Now, however, as the colors came together, I could clearly tell who the voice belonged to. It was—
'I'm truly glad you managed to find a way out…Yamada -kun, Shinomiya-san.'