Ever thought how human beings break apart/down, for things we can say that it fall down or we throw it away so, it got broke but when it comes to humans how it happened we don't exactly know. However, I guess many of you who are reading this, may be once in a life time either we have already felt it or may be we would be going to feel it in near future.
...
Next day I woke up with severe headache and cold symptoms, like always, I get up from the bed and start getting fresh. Though, the moment I get fully awoke my mind again start working as I can feel number of thoughts running together,
"like, I can see and hear all scene in my head with the voices/videos which are telling me whatever happened between Erik and me. To stop them I tried to cover my ears or closed my eyes but nothing helped me out, so I just give it up and tried to focus on getting ready"
Once I got ready, I move out from the room but not before checking how wet pillow is and thankfully pillows are completely dried, I guess somewhere in the midnight I kept the pillow aside. I took a deep breath then leave the room with my biggest fake smile, when I close the door of the house, I stop smiling and with a straight face I get in the car and leave towards the direction of the hospital.
The moment I got settled in the car, I start hearing echo of lots of voices in my head,
"selfish
marriage/relationship destroyer
you don't deserve people to be in your life
what if my parents learn about how I am friends with married people, what if they read the post which Erik posted me in? what they would think of me?
may be one day, when Erik calm down then he would come along or we could become the friends again. I should wait right?
I deserve to be alone because I am just a destroyer.
Erik won't be coming back and why he would, neither Ani is going to come back.
I am alone, I think this is my destiny and this would be forever, just only like this"
with these voice I can also see in the back of my head only, people leaving me alone. All this suddenly come at halt, as the driver pull the break suddenly and then only I realized, I was tapping my legs plus breaking my left finger nails with right ones, while imagining those voices in my head. However, I am confused, how can these things can happen, was I really imagining things? What was this, which I was feeling few minutes back? I don't think its normal.
Soon the car start moving again, this time I plug ear phone in and start listening to music plus I also take out my personal diary which I always carry with me, because my thoughts run wild and I found writing them as a connection to my heart and soul. However, first I choose a playlist which I only created named "lost somewhere" and then after some time I start writing things which are running my mind.
Fortunately, this way I was able to control things whichever happened few minutes back though whatever I am writing in the diary make me feel sorry for me,
"that echo of voice in my head filled up with lost of negativity, hate, though I somewhere found them true also. And what's with tapping my feet and breaking my nails, I don't thinks its normal. I think, I would be okay right but I am sacred
may be I could hug someone, may be they could say or tell me that everything would be alright, no need to worry
I wish I could have Ani with me now
I never wanted to hurt Erik but now see I hurt him so much, that he broke our friendship"
Just like this I reach hospital, at the moment when I am here standing at front gate of the hospital, I don't know from where I got the energy or how mood change from sulking and sad to bold and energetic one. I stepped in the hospital, go for my coffee but the moment I sit and start drinking my coffee those echoing voice started coming in again in my head.
To stop this I take the pen out from the bag and start playing with it, this worked. At this moment I decided to first, talk to doctor about this indirectly plus I will also try to find some book related to it. After some minutes when my coffee get finished so, I go toward the doctor's cabin where I will come to know which duties I have today.
After fifteen minutes I come to know that, I just have to attend OPD as today is half day. Though, I forgot about the half day because of yesterday night chaos, however, I decided to be in hospital library till the evening and read some book as I don't want to go home. Soon I got busy in OPD session, first four patients come one by one which are just follow up cases where I have nothing to learn but still I remain attentive and aware.
After waiting for five minutes, a man enter in the cabin with a lady and both are I guess 35-45 age only. However, the posture of the man look like as if he is very tired, dark circle under his eyes, pale face, slumped shoulder, looking irritated but eyes saying as if he is sad too. However, soon both sit down but here only that lady plus doctor are sitting comfortably on the chair, the man sitting on the edge to seat. After fifteen minutes conversation among them ended, doctor give them the prescription and they leave the cabin.
As soon as they left the cabin, doctor initiated the conversation with me,
Doctor (Doc): So tell me Siya what you all noticed in the patient?
Siya: He was tired, has dark circle under the eyes, paled eyes, slumped shoulder looking irritated and anxious too. And from the patient history, drug dependency since two years and I thinks that's the reason of his bipolar mood disorder.
Doc: (After thinking for some minutes) Impressive, I am proud of you but do you know how this bipolar mood disorder caused?
Siya: Because of drugs?
Doc: Closed to right but let me explain.
Siya: Okay
Doc: Basically what happened with our mind is that, when we get attached to something (whether we like it or not). Our mind daily needs its dose, from that thing, on initial level it may give the feeling of pleasure or happiness but slowly, bit by bit it will make our insides hollow.
Generally, it took us only fifteen days to get scheduled in doing something, nearly a month required to become it a habit and after that it becomes our attachment then we got addicted to it. Now there are two types of habits one is good and other one is bad, the patient who you just saw is the one who is into bad habits because of this habit not only his body plus his work as well as personal relationships are getting destroyed.
Siya: (Taking few minutes to grasp whatever Doc said) Okay.
Doc: (Standing up, begin to collect his things) Now I would like you too read more about habits, addiction and attachment then we will discuss it on day after tomorrow.
With this we both leave the cabin, first I go to eat to lunch as its almost one in the afternoon and I am feeling hell hungry. After ordering my lunch I come to sit on the empty table and chair, here I plug earphones in, then I start listening to music just to keep my mind distracted. At one thirty in the I got free so, I head towards the library. After reaching there I keep my bag aside, just with my phone which is not on airplane mode and may be this is because, as somewhere inside in my mind I am still hoping to get a message or call from him.
I straight go to the reception desk their and ask them where are the book on attachments, habits and addictions kept. After founding a book which is on habits, I read it till four in the evening and this time librarian asked me to leave it as its time to close the doors so, I keep the book at its place, pick up my bag then leave the library. I stop at the park, took my notebook out and start writing whatever I memorized while reading it as I am going to leave the hospital at my usual time only.
At five in the evening I leave the hospital premises, after getting settle in the car I plug in the earphones but doesn't switch on the music because my mind is actually quite full with knowledge that I read about plus what doctor told me and thankfully, it worked. Around seven fifteen I reached home, start getting fresh and at eight I am at dinning table, this time I start feeling quite restless and because of this I sit at the edge of the chair. May be because all of the family members are at the dining area or may be Erik plus their (family members) words start echoing in my head, honestly, I am confused a bit about the reasons.
I finished my dinner in hurry, I guess in less then ten minutes then I reach to my room with a water bottle in my hand. After closing the door, I keep my right palm on the heart, which I can feel beating wildly and I am also feeling as if am bit shaking up so, I sit down on the bed and take some deep breaths to relax. Once feeling all relaxed up, I pick up a novel and start reading it.
While reading my mind got relaxed easily and same goes for my hear beats too, I lay on the bed and keep reading it, after an hour or so, I start yawning. Hence, thinking that it would be good to sleep now, I keep my book on the side table beside the phone and then I closed my eyes but I think god has other things planned for me because the moment I closed my eyes the voices start echoing in my head which said those same like in the morning,
"selfish
marriage/relationship destroyer
you don't deserve people to be in your life
what if my parents learn about how I am friends with married people, what if they read the post which Erik posted me in? what they would think of me?
may be one day, when Erik got calm down then he would come along or we could become the friends again. I should wait right?
I deserve to be alone because I am just a destroyer.
Erik won't be coming back and why he would, neither Ani is going to come back.
I am alone, I think this is my destiny and this would be forever just only like this"
Just like this from eleven in the night clock clicked one in the morning and here I am still listening these voices in my head but sleep is nowhere in my eyes. All I am thinking is,
"what will happened in future?
will he ever come back in my life?
what if all of the other people leave me or think me as a bad person, like how Erik does?
will everything going to be alright?
do I am really a bad person the way my parents plus Erik thinking of me?"
while doing so I am trying to break right hand finger nails with left hand nails. I may have fall asleep in the the night at some time because next I woke up in the morning when I hear a heavy knocks on my door. I tired to fully wake myself up, while walking towards the door to open it but I do all the activities with my eyes half open only.
The moment I open the door I found my mother standing there, with a posture which is saying that I am going to get scolded and seeing this I got fully awake. My mother start speaking,
Mother: Okay I agree that you work for whole week and you only get Sunday off but what is this your sleeping till nine thirty in the morning?
Siya: Sorry (Though, I wanted to give my reasons but knowing that she won't understand it I keep my mouth shut).
Mother: Now be there in the dining hall in sharp fifteen minutes, this is what father demanded
She just walked off, I rolled my eyes mentally saying height of discipline. However, I lock my door again, put my phone on charger but play a instrument music on it, at low volume and start getting fresh. While doing so I feel completely at ease, especially my mind is at ease. Somehow in exactly fifteen minutes I reach dinning area, I go inside the kitchen and bring my plate with noodles.
I sit beside father, as this is the only seat left empty. I finish my breakfast in hurry as I don't want to listen any taunts from them and thankfully non of them initiated the conversation with me. After breakfast I reach back to my room, the moment I close my room door I hear a ping on my phone, I opened the message,
Ketty: Hey!! How are you? Do you get to know that re-attempt to give that failed exam is next month on the last week?
Siya: Hey! I am good, how are you? No I didn't knew it, thanks for telling me.
Ketty: I am good too and no need to be so formal bro. We will talk later I have some work to do.
Siya: Yeah bye.
I pick up my course book, start studying it while noting down in a small copy because writing make me memorize fast. Though, in less then a ten minutes I start getting distracted by the voice that keep echoing in my mind so, I again start playing soft instrumental music in my phone which keep me calm plus let me study too.
Just like this time flies by a nearly a month passed by, from Monday to Saturday I attend hospital and especially on Sundays I try to keep my focus more on exam preparations. Though, during this time one thing that remained same are those voices which I can hear in my head because of it I am unable to have a good deep sleep at night, it keeps me distracting but music does really helped me in such situations.
On the day of exam, which is on Saturday so, after my hospital shift I directly go to the school as I have to give exam in the evening slot. At this time only Ketty and Zoe has exam to give with me as many of the student choose the morning and night shift. When exactly twenty minutes left from the exam the begin, I hear my phone ringing
Father: Hello, Siya I hope you are in the school to give the exam, don't fail it again or next thing would be your marriage.
Siya: Okay (What a great way to motivate your child and marriage no way because I already have internship letter from the other hospital, which is going to be start the next month)
Mother: Siya, don't put our name down too by failing the exam again.
Siya: Okay.
With this they hang up the phone, after some time we three go inside and start writing our exam. In between the exam I start hearing those echoed voices so, I start humming the tune while writing the exam. After three hours exam got over, we come out and after having a cup of hot chocolate we leave for our house separately. However, before leaving the school premises we also learn that in a week result will be out too.
I reached home around seven thirty in the evening, after getting fresh up and having my dinner I call it a night, in hope that result would be somewhat different from the old one.
However, like it always said when time decides to teach you the lesson of life, all happiness or hope would be doomed.