The unmistakable caress of high thread count Egyptian Cotton coasts across my naked back as my eyes fly open to meet a muted morning. The top sheet and duvet are crumpled between my legs and the space beside me is cool as the morning greets me, releasing my recent past in flashes.
I'm not in my bed at home, I'm at college. I'm not at college in Boston, I'm at Windsor. I'm not in my dorm, I'm at Lex's. My god, where is Lex? I fucked Lex. I fucked Lex. I fucked him. What the hell is my problem?!
My downward spiral is momentarily interrupted by the Adonis himself coming in with two cups of coffee in hand. "Oh, you're up. Good morning."
I struggle to release the cotton balls I've suddenly found in my mouth and produce a look other than regret. A smile? I hope I'm smiling. "Hey. For me?" I say, reaching for one of the steaming cups.
"I didn't know how you take it, I take mine black. I hope that's ok," he extended one mug to me while taking his space beside me. I scoot out of the center of the mattress giving him some space. The coffee is threatening to give me another orgasm based on the smell alone.
"I like mine black," like my soul. I held back the second portion of my usual coffee order because Ellie's soul is made of champagne and sparkles. I blink slowly while I take the first sip. "Thank you."
At my internal monologue's mention of "Ellie," the mental self-flagellation commences. Forget how this affects me, or my investigation. I just slept with someone that has no idea who the fuck I even am. The tensing of the muscles in my throat is a dead giveaway that I'm about to cry if I don 't do something to stop it.
Setting the coffee down on his nightstand I jump up quickly and start rummaging through my bags looking for my running gear.
"Hey," Lex says, "where's the fire?"
I look back to find a confused grin on his face with both palms held out to his sides in question. I force myself to stop. Even at this moment, he's still fucking making me laugh.
"I need to go for a run. I'm already late on account of your lovely shaded windows. Running on the beach is great resistance training," I say smiling at him while returning to my bag.
He sits quietly and I can practically feel the tension growing around him. "Would you like me to come with you?"
"Oh, no. It's not a big deal. I'll run a few miles and I'm going to take my phone and catch up with Lenore. I'll probably just have her pick me up with my car south of here." I can feel his gaze on my skin.
"Ellie." He states firmly.
I stop, forcing myself to give him a face of question rather than in annoyance.
"You are literally running away. Like, with shoes, shorts, and everything."
I drop my duffle and stand completely upright. Against every fiber of my being which is telling me to flee, I turn to face him. "Whose bed am I sleeping in tonight?"
He swallows momentarily. "Mine."
I raise an eyebrow. "It's just a run. Len is sleeping in your guest room tonight. Three, maybe four hours tops." I'm begging without begging.
"Ok," I can hear a compromise before he says it. "Can you please call me when you get to where you're meeting Lenore?"
The earth stops rotating. Hell is freezing over. Lexington Wells just asked me to call him. He didn't tell me, he didn't demand or bark an order. I'm tallying this in the win column.
"Absolutely. I'll even call you if I'm going to be longer than I promised, and I'll turn my ringer on so you can call me. My phone feeds into my headphones, see?" He shows me a gentle smile and gives me a nod, which is just making me feel like an even bigger piece of shit.
Once I've found my running gear, I start pulling on clean panties and a sports bra. I have the rest of my gear on and my Bluetooth headphones syncing in about a minute and a half. I start heading to the door before stopping myself. I turn quickly and walk to Lex's side of the bed where he's watching me attentively, and drop a chaste kiss on his lips. When I try to pull back he tries to hold me firm and deepen it.
"I haven't brushed my teeth, Lex! I'll do it when I get back, I promise. We can make out to your heart's content."
"I think it's cute when you grant me permission to things I'm already entitled to," he says, grinning savagely. I don't know whether to be offended or impressed. Luckily I don't have time to make that decision before he gives me a tap on the ass and says, "Go. I'll see you in a couple of hours. We'll do a cookout with Nic and Abrams tonight."
The offer sounds so domestic that I can't help but return his playful grin. "Sounds perfect."
***
I'm about nine miles and three hours into my run down the beach when I finally force myself to stop, dropping my ass to the wet sand. I take a harsh pull from my water bottle and take my phone from my armband. I don't even look both ways down the beach choosing instead to scream into the ether. "Fuuuuuck!!! Fuck! God, FUCK!"
I pound my fists into the sand which is no real opponent. It's soft enough to give way at the first whisper of aggression. I can't keep the tears from falling at this point as gentle sobs wrack my body. Out on the horizon, dark clouds are rolling in. I might have another two, maybe three hours at best. Not to mention that I promised Lex I wouldn't be that long. I need to consider the timeline it will take for Lenore to pick me up and then drive back to him.
I lay back, forcing my eyes to the sky above me. It's mostly blue further east, until a smattering of white clouds starts ever so slowly, followed by thick gray clouds stretching to a sea of black clouds on the horizon. It's kinda poetic when you think about it.
If each cloud were a lie, I would think I'm somewhere between the smattering of white clouds and the slightly more predominant grey clouds. Or does it change things because he believes he slept with an entirely different person? He doesn't even know my fucking name. He does know me though, right? The tears threaten again, causing me to throw my arm over my head creating a little peak with my elbow between my two eyes.
Five minutes. You get five minutes to fall apart. And I take every single one with loud wailing cries and fists in the dirt. Thankfully there is no one within earshot in either direction and a cliffside behind me where erosion has beat the earth back.
My pity party for one is interrupted by my phone chiming in my Bluetooth headphones. A quick glance at the screen tells me it's Lenore. I haven't even called her yet. I press the green call button. "Yeah?"
I'm met with momentary silence. "Honey. What's wrong?"
The simple honest question causes my lip to tremble bringing back sobs and Lenore just whispers sweet consoling nothings through my earpiece until they finally start to subside. When I'm left with nothing but some wayward sniffles she finally asks a question.
"Are you running?"
"Yes, I'm on the beach somewhere. Can you pick me up at Cafe Umbria? I can get there pretty quick."
I hear a slight shuffling while she takes the phone from her ear, presumably searching for the address. "Yeah, babe. That's a big run."
I can't keep the shakes out of my voice. She knows I'm hurting. "Yeah."
"Are we still staying at the beach house?"
Lenore has perfected the art of asking without asking. I decided to give her a quick overview of some top-level information to save us both some headaches later. "Yes. We're staying at the beach house. Yes, everything is fine with Lexington. Yes, we fucked and it was everything I had hoped for and more but I feel like a fucking fraud who is letting people on both sides down, so why don't you tailor your inquisition to that. We'll get a cup of coffee and have a forty-five-minute drive home to unpack this shit."
Lenore is silent for a beat before replying quietly, "You know, after two and a half years you only refer to Boston as home begrudgingly and you've never called your childhood house a home?"
"Yeah?" I say urging her to get to the point without actually saying it.
"You just called Lex's house, home, so maybe take some time before we meet at the coffee shop to consider that bit of information."
I'm struck dumb. She's absolutely right and it felt completely natural. I instinctively start rubbing my face and offer a quick goodbye before allowing myself another quick cry before heading up the beach.