I staggered towards the camp dejectedly my arms still wrapped around my naked chest as I struggled to take in what Rieka had just said.
I was a murderer and I was going to continue to murder in cold blood until I finally killed Layla and Eric. Even now, while they were not here, the people who had hurt me were still ruining my life.
"So the nightmares aren't going to top?" I asked Rieka weakly
"I don't think it would Silveen. It was the real trigger of the blood rage. It was only kept at bay because I was locked in by a spell." she explained and just then I wished Kira had never broken the concealing spell but even then the nightmares wouldn't have stopped.
Even while I recuperated in that tiny room, I still remember having nightmares every night. Until Rieka took over.
"But when you were in charge. The dreams, they stopped."
"That is because unlike you I do not ignore and try to suppress my anger and desire for revenge. I bring everything that poses a threat to me under judgment." she said and I stopped in my tracks. I didn't know where I was going, I was just letting my feet lead me to God knows where.
"So what you mean to say is, the only way to prevent this from happening is if I submit to my rage. If I do not my subconscious would force me to?" I asked as tears filled my eyes.
"Yes or better still, we can go find that bitch and kill her."
"It won't be that easy. I am not strong enough." I argued
"Isn't that why we are following the dark mistress to her lair?"
"Yes but this__this changes everything."
"I don't understand,"
"I can't go with her. Rieka."
I had always thought all the anger and rage that pulsed through me was caused by Rieka. I had thought she was the reason I loved the feeling but in the end, it was me. I had killed those animals, I had let her kill those animals in winter hollows. I had been doing nothing but fighting my own true nature all this while. I was an Austan wolf after all
How foolish I was to have thought I could control everything when I took control from Rieka. I couldn't. I would just bring them all to harm. What if I attacked them? What if____
"Silveen!" I heard someone shout my name from afar followed by various shouts of my name.
They were looking for me and I had unconsciously been following the path I had taken in my dreams back to them.
"We should go to them." Rieka said.
"No. I have caused enough trouble. I am going back to winter hollows." I said as I began to walk in another direction
"There is nothing there for us, we would do nothing but expand boundaries when we get there." Rieka said.
"I would be in charge. There would be no expansion."
"Yeah. Like you were in charge last night?" she fired back and I stopped in my tracks. "If we subject ourselves to your nightmares just because you are too scared to face the world, you would create something worse than what I have done in winter hollows." she said and I busted into tears.
Yes, I wanted to be strong and powerful and feared and reborn but I didn't want to be a killer. I didn't want to take life like it wasn't worth anything.
"What would you have me do then?" I asked Rieka
"Talk to the dark mistress. She's like us remember? She would know what to do to help us in this situation. Let's go back to them Silveen. We can't keep running. This is who we are now."
She said and tears spilled but I wiped them sniffing and began to walk towards the voices that called my name.
This is who I am now.
......................................................
I shifted along the way because I was too ashamed of my appearance in human form, even though Rieka was sure Adela would understand and could help, I don't think I could live with it.
The only person who deserved punishment for the hurt they've caused me was Layla and Eric, but the thought of putting all other people at the same risk wasn't something I could live with.
I wasn't a cold-blooded killer and I don't think I could live as one that was Rieka's jurisdiction.
"You do know that you and I are one and the same right? If I am a cold-blooded killer as you say, then you are not any different," she said angrily
"Stop." I whispered pitifully, just yesterday I had been so confident when I stood before Adela and her pack but today, I don't even know how to face them.
"You have to start accepting yourself for who you are, those stupid animals won't be in that pathetic state if they had not tried to attack us first."
"I saw Layla and her men when I looked at them. It was Layla I thought I attacked!" I screamed at her in frustration.
"Well, that's because they tried to attack you first. They just made you enter a mental relapse of what happened between you and Layla." Rieka explained.
"You're just saying that to make me feel better. What was I doing there in the first place?"
"Running from your nightmares. Running from who we are. We are Austan wolves, Silveen. We don't show mercy to the enemy. This is the wild, it is kill or be killed. Your desire to not harm someone who wouldn't blink twice before causing you bodily harm is a sheer sign of weakness."
Here we go again.
"You don't know that. You don't know that those animals tried to attack me." I defended.
"I know that you left seven wolves behind unharmed and came into the forest, far into the forest to make your kill that at least counters the cold-bloodedness you so much hate."
"You don't know that." I said a little calmer. I know Rieka was trying to make me feel better, but she didn't understand. I had done this. I had done the ripping apart. Not her, me!
"You're right I don't. Keep on sulking then." she said angrily and cut off the link.
I wanted to howl mournfully, the very reason why I wanted to take control, the very thing I wanted to prevent her from doing. All this time I thought if Rieka took over she would turn this forest into winter hollows but the truth was that I was the one who should have been kept in check. I was the one who turned winter hollows into a hollow place.
Maybe she is right maybe we were one and the same. Maybe I was even the mastermind of all the killings in winter hollows while I sat there and pretended to be a saint.
"Silveen!" I heard Adela's voice and looked up to see her standing a few feet from me. Her face which showed fear relaxed when she saw me, no one else was with her. She must have found me easily because of her heightened senses as an Austan wolf.
"Silveen are you okay?" she asked as she walked towards me cautiously, that was when I noticed that I was whimpering. I looked at her a little grateful for the concern I heard in her voice and saw in her eyes.
"I was worried, I thought you abandoned us and went back to winter hollows." she said as she stood in front of me, her eyes accessing me.
The blood in my fur, my mournful look but she didn't seem surprised or repulsed.
"Shift Silveen." she said again and I whimpered refusing.
"Please, let me help you." she said and I looked into her eyes.
For some reason that I could not understand, I trusted her. I really trusted her, so I did as she asked and shifted back to my human form.
My head hung as I was too ashamed to look up, my body was covered in blood from the crown of my head to the sole of my feet. She only sighed and walked toward me hanging the jacket I had used as a pillow the night before over my shoulders as she had done the first time we met.
"Come, there is a stream not far away, let's get you cleaned up." she said and began to lead me away. I followed without objecting. I had fallen to my lowest point, crashed, and burned.
I couldn't lift up my head proudly anymore