Godamn it, that Haneul Kim. Always getting himself into trouble for no reason. What dangerous thing did he do this time; one so dangerous it took his life? I took a deep breath and responded with a quick sigh, "Where's the funeral being hosted?" I heard the man's tongue click against the roof of his mouth softly.
"Palm Southeast Mortuary. Turns out its getting hosted today, so you better hurry."
Without another thought, I pulled off my plain blue t-shirt and instead threw on a white collared shirt. I put on a black wool coat that had shiny black buttons on the side. Changed out of my shorts and instead wore straight-legged black pants, with high rise black socks and black dress shoes as well. I was visiting a funeral; so, as a normal person, I would pull up with dull clothes on. I sprayed my scented cologne I had gotten from Haneul himself and combed my hair to a side part. My god, I thought to myself as I put my hands on the sides of the sink and looked in the mirror. Despite the fact that I had dark eyebags and looked messy, I opened my front door and walked outside. I heard the loud chatterboxes next door talking about who-knows-what and went inside my magenta colored van.
I WALKED into the building and looked around for a few minutes actually. It smelled like a bunch of flowers but at the same time it smelled like fresh, earthy air. There were leathery couches on the sides and a huge ceiling light on the ceiling, making the woman at the counter look intimidating. Surprisingly, I've never visited a building that hosts funerals; so all of this was kind of like eye candy. I tidied up my coat and went up to the woman. Before I could say something she talked to me first.
"Who are you seeing today, and make sure to sign your name under the clipboard of the person you are seeing."
Shakily, I responded, "I am seeing Haneul Kim."
I signed the piece of paper on the clipboard and she pointed to the left side of the plain, gray wall. I know funerals aren't something happy, but damn. My mood felt like it was a bunch of mud; except I was walking through it. I could feel my feet dragging across the ground, the presence and weird scent of the hallway felt like it was pulling me away from Haneul Kim. Although this did not change much, I still felt uneasy because of it. Sometimes I wish I could tear out my heart from these bits of anxiety I feel. Because right now, Im just thinking to myself that I should have never came here. I already felt tears ready to pour down like a fountain you toss coins in. I know its normal to cry during a funeral, but I guess, due to past reasons I did not want to cry. I'm quite the adult, 25 years old.
I had finally reached the end of the hallway and swung open the door, with only one string keeping me from not letting out a tear. Although, some god or something must've cut off the string quite easily. Once I had saw the dark wooden casket sitting on a platform filled with white and red flowers, I could not contain my sadness anymore. There weren't many people in the room; besides his family and a couple of friends. It felt like my throat was tightening up as I stood in the back of the room, listening to the music the mortuary played. The mood was heavy, gruff even, to the point where I felt like if I had even slightly perked the corners of my mouth a little bit I would get kicked out for acting like a physco. What is this feeling? Even I had not felt like this when my parents had died. Is it because I hung out more with Haneul than my own family? I do not know; but one thing is for sure: I will, miss that guy so fucking much.
Was it normal to not remember any memories we had together? Maybe it was because of the sudden shock of death? The adrenaline rushing through my body? Because right now, I couldn't calm myself down to even think of the cheery memories I had with him. I closed my eyes, and couldn't stop taking deep breaths. I might sound like an asshole; but right now all I could think of was staying strong and not crying. Afraid of embarrassment I may receive if I break down. God, this was hard. Harder than I expected. Maybe I should've understood what the presence in the hallway was trying to tell me.
"Dojin?"
Well, god. Here comes the mother. I'm ready. "Yes, its me, Dojin Yoon. I'm sorry to hear what has happened to your son."
"Thank you," she sniffled and rubbed her swollen, red eyes, "I know you're having a hard time. You can cry as well." Mrs. Kim smiled bittersweetly at me. I wouldn't say I felt comforted; but I did feel a little better seeing a warm smile that matched Haneul's smile. They both had dimples.
She walked away, her back slightly slouching. I spaced out, looking at the floor. I had forgotten one, important thing however. I hadn't asked how Haneul died. And second of all, who the hell called me? How did they know my number? Was I just too- too- shocked to understand anything? It must be because of that.
I was about to walk out the door until I heard my name being shouted. Well not shouted, just announced. I was so close to just swearing as many cuss words I knew but was able to calm myself down.
"Dojin Yoon; please come up to the stage and say a speech. According to Haneul Kim, you were his best friend." I didn't know what to feel. I felt insanely nervous, out of breath even, because I knew that I was horrible at talking to a big audience. However; this was for my .. best friend. Of course, I could not decline even if I tried.
Everyone's stares were so hard that I heard them. My hands were already shaking in place as I listened to the loud clicking noises of the heel of my dress shoes hitting the bottom of the hard floor. If the silence had lasted any longer, I think I would've passed out. Good thing I had reached the microphone within time. I grabbed the mic. I grabbed it so hard that I could feel my hand getting pale and sweaty. The stares; the stares were too much. What were they expecting me to do? Be elegant and graceful and say some shit like I loved him? I don't know; what are their expectations? Just- I just- want everything to end right now. Must I do this?
A man I did not know stared at me the hardest; almost like I was his enemy. Almost like he was screaming at me to say something. I was quite curious however; who he was; because Haneul never showed pictures of him before, nor did he talk about a friend who looks like that. I felt my heart getting ripped out- you know what- fuck it.
I did not utter one single word and ran off the stage as quickly as I could; panting like a dog that had run 10 laps over and over without a break and no water. I ran, I ran out the doors of the mortuary out of anxiety and fear. I knew that was not the best idea; but it was like my mouth was glued shut when I was up there. I would rather run out of here like a godamn fool than stay there not speaking. I slumped down on the grass outside the mortuary, and quickly grabbed my box of cigarettes. I don't even know if I was allowed to smoke here; but whatever. I needed something to take my mind off the event.
"That was quite a commotion you caused back there, Dojin. Mind if I have a cig?"
I raised my eyebrow suspiciously; this was the man I did not know at the funeral.