They say the way you look at things changes the older you get. Like when you were young you probably loved those 15 minutes cartoons on Sunday morning that basically have the same plot. When you were 5, you could repeat the same episode over and over again and still get the same thrill as if you watched them for the first time. And then you got older, and you see that there were many things to watch, and your horizon expanded and those 15 minutes cartoons became boring, and childish, and you would rather claw out your own eyes than to watch it again.
There are some experts who did some research about it, to find out why our taste changes over time. Some say that it's because our brains change, so the older we get the more we can perceive and process things. So the simple 15 minutes cartoons become not so stimulating as movies about superheroes with more complicated plots and characters. That doesn't explain why our taste keeps changing even though our brains stop developing though. Like you might like hamburgers from a cheap street food tent when you were 18, but when you are 30 you suddenly think it's gross, and would prefer to eat beetroot salad with mozzarella. The other experts would say that the more you experienced things, the more changes would happen to how you perceived things.
That could be what happens to Rianna right now. She has no idea when her feelings are changing. She probably knows why, but to pinpoint the exact time would be difficult.
She is sitting in a café Prinsengracht, on her t-shirt, washed out jeans, and simple white sneakers. She is sipping her Matcha Ice Latte from a gigantuous glass, so big she has to hold it with both hands. Her long black hair is in a knot on top of her hair, a messy knot with no accessories whatsoever, and her face is as plain as a blank canvas. A year ago, she wouldn't be sitting on the terrace of a café on the sidewalk of a busy street. And she would be too self conscious to slurp something that has calories higher and a cupcake. She always chose a high end bistro or a fancy hotel to meet with people. Always dressed in designer clothes, like Channel, Gucci, or her favorite Dolce & Gabbana. Her footwear would always have at least 6 cm heels, to compensate her height, and ofcourse it has to be designer shoes as well like Jimmy Choo, Prada, or her favorite the red sole Louboutin. Her daily wardrobe from head to toe could cost 4 months salary of an average middle class worker.
She has changed. Her appearance has changed. Her perceptions on most things have changed. So does her feelings towards the man sitting across the table.
Her husband, still legally, is dressed today in his standard 3 piece pinstripe gray suit. The price of his waistcoat alone could cover her rent for 3 months. When she bought that suit, she didn't think much about it, now she questions her insanity. His honey brown hair is sleek and shiny, and there's not even one strand out of place. He looks divine, like an expensive matured wine in a fancy bottle. He is not the most handsome man Rianna ever met but he has a sheer light arrogance around him that makes him seem unapproachable, thus more desirable.
"Are you really going to drink all of it?" he asks, he hasn't touched his espresso yet.
"6 months ago, you wouldn't even ask if I have eaten" replies Rianna, and she slurps her drinks even louder just to make her point.
"I knew the answer, you never ate, so why bother?" He picks up his espresso, gives it a sniff and puts it back on the table without taking a sip.
"Why bother now?"
He raises his shoulders. "Fair point. Though I would… "
"Where's Stephanie? You said you want to talk about divorce terms with a lawyer. So where is your lawyer?" she cuts him right in the middle. He raises his eyebrows, and doesn't believe that her wife of 15 years would do that. Rianna a year ago was always so.. Meek, lovely and would think and choose her words carefully.
"Because, like what you said, we don't need a lawyer?"
Rianna slams her 750cc glass on the table so hard that the old couple who sit next to them click their tongues. "And why did you call me here then?"
Some people on the other tables start whispering and pointing at them, Michel starts feeling uncomfortable. "Look, why don't we talk in my hotel lobby? There's a nice bistro there, we could.."
"No." says Rianna firmly. "I can't afford 8 euro for a cup of cappuccino"
"I'd pay of course."
"I know you would. But I refused. So what is it Michel? What is it that makes you leave Assen, in June, when we both know that there's a big event coming up that needs your full attention there? What is that you can't tell me in email or whatsapp or phone call? Just stop cutting around the bush. It will save you your time, and mine."
He leans back, his arms crossed, his legs are also crossed. "Fine. We don't need a lawyer because we won't get divorce."
Rianna suddenly feels like someone threw an ice bucket on her. "Why..?"
But suddenly the answer comes to her naturally, there's only one thing important to him, and his family. "Is it because it's not good for the business?"
He sighs. "I would be lying if I said no, but it's not the only reason Ri.. I.. "
"If I am that important to your business, why didn't you invest more time on me, Mitch?" Rianna begins to sob. Tears that she has been holding on for 6 month starting to slide from the corner of her eyes. "Why didn't you save me?"
The color drains from his face, he looks around him, and people whisper to each other even the waiters are doing that. "Ri, please.. Can we just talk somewhere more private?"
"You know after she died, I felt like I was drowning, I felt like someone pulled my lungs out of me and sometimes I need to gasp for air. I stopped functioning." Rianna continues. "But you weren't there for me! Even when your family blamed me for everything! If I am THAT important Mitch, why didn't you save me then?"
"Ri.. please.. " he leans closer to Rianna trying to grab her hands, but she pushes him away.
She stands up and gathers her belongings. She puts her mobile phone, and keychain into her handbag in a rush, she grabs her wallet and extracts a 5 euro bill.
"For my drink, and you pay the tips." says Rianna while putting the money on the table. "Send the paper to my address, and please don't pull any tricks like this ever again."
Before she leaves, she takes a good look at his face. At those dreamy blue eyes that always pierced her soul, to those firm hands that she loves even now. She realizes her feelings for him haven't changed. Because she would still want this man to pay attention to her, her heart aches because he didn't.
It's not her feelings that changed. Her perception of her marriage is the one that has changed.