"I live here?" I thought to myself as the door opened on a spacious apartment overlooking Tokyo Bay. I was still unsteady and in considerable pain but I was definitely happy to not be in the hospital anymore. I wandered into the living room, Sachi following me carrying the bag of gifts fans had dropped off at the hospital for me.
"You ok, Akarin?" Sachi asked from behind me.
"I-I'm just a little overwhelmed is all," I replied quietly, fingers brushing against the fabric of the sofa. There were things in the room I recognized, the little trophy I had won at a local dance contest when I was 17, my picture taken with the Capybaras at the onsen during our first retreat as a group. Other knickknacks and things I'd collected over the years, but the majority of it was strange and unfamiliar. Had that much changed in my life in just a year?
"I can't imagine going home to a place you don't recognize as yours," Sachi replied. "It's normal to be a little shell shocked the doctor said." I turned to find Sachi staring at me in worry. I smiled encouragingly and hugged her close.
"I couldn't have gotten through this last day without you," I whispered. "Thank you so much."
"I'm just sorry Mari and Yukiko haven't been around much," Sachi said, a hint of bitterness creeping into her voice.
"It's ok, it's ok!" I said with a smile. "I don't mind! Besides, we're going to be spending the next six months together every day anyway!" Sachi froze and held me at arm's length, eyes searching mine.
"What do you mean?" Sachi demanded quietly.
"We've got a tour to do! I bet by the end of it you'll all want to get as far from me as possible!"
"That fat fuck!" Sachi raged, her arms shaking as they held me. "It was Hiroto wasn't it? He guilted you into this. I knew it." I shook my head.
"He talked to me, yeah, but the decision was mine," I replied with a smile, patting Sachi's shoulders. "I have to do this tour. This is our chance, maybe our only chance to be everything we always used to talk about being." I stepped back unsteadily and sat on the sofa, pulling Sachi down beside me.
"And what about the songs and choreography?" Sachi asked. "You don't remember them."
"I have a couple of days, still, so I will learn what I can and work hard to get better," I said with as much conviction as I could convey. "Besides, the choreography hasn't changed that much from what I remember, right? It should be easy enough to get up to speed."
"Look, people will understand. Let's just postpone the tour and we can pick it up when you're better," Sachi replied.
"But people did their best to make money to buy a ticket to see us perform and we promised we would be there," I insisted stubbornly.
"They'll still get to see us even if we postpone the tour," Sachi reasoned. "It will give you a chance to relearn what you need to know and get your health back."
"I've ruined everything," I muttered. "I was stupid and wrecked everything. Please let me try to make it better."
"You haven't ruined anything," Sachi sighed. "This is all Hiroto's doing. What did he tell you to convince you to do this stupid tour? And keep in mind that I know when you're lying."
"He just reminded me why I started on this road and how much is riding on what we do," I answered. "A broken wheel either needs to get fixed or replaced for the car to keep driving. I don't want to lose what we are so I need to fix myself. I can do this. Not just for the fans and you three, but for me, too. Please. Please let me try."
"What if you hurt yourself?" Sachi asked.
"I can't live with myself if I don't try, Sachi," I said. She stared at me with worry.
"I don't want you to get hurt, Akarin," Sachi finally said.
"Remember dinner the first day we got together?" I asked, holding Sachi's hands in mine. "Remember how we swore we'd be the best us we could be and that one day people would call our names and we'd bring happiness to everyone we could? " I let Sachi's hands go and reached into the bag beside the sofa, pulling out a small handmade purple bear with a bandage stitched across one ear. I put the bear in my lap, stared at its friendly button eyes and smiled.
"This bear was dropped off at the hospital for me. Someone made this little friend for someone they didn't know to help them feel better. Someone I will probably never get to meet cared enough about my health to spend time crafting something to bring a smile to my face. That's what we do, too!" My smile faltered as I continued, "And I don't remember why they would do something like this. I don't recall what I did or what I said or what I wrote to make them feel I was important enough to spend their time and money to make me this bear.
"I have an amazing apartment paid for by people's love of something I don't recall doing," my tears were flowing once again and I couldn't stop them. "I want to remember why they care."
"What if you never remember?" Sachi asked quietly.
"Then I want to make new memories, bring happiness to everyone I can, just like we talked about. Please let me try." Sachi looked at me warily.
"If you can't do this you need to promise me you will let us reschedule the tour," Sachi finally said. I nodded in agreement and gave her the best puppy dog eyes I could muster through my tears. Sachi turned her face away and I moved my head slightly to try to stay in her field of view. She turned her head again and I moved as well.
"Pwease, Sacchan?" I mewed at her playfully.
"Stop with the eyes!" Sachi replied, closing her eyes so she couldn't see me. I put the purple bear up to her lips,
"Chu!" I said, making a kissing sound. She giggled and I used the bear to kiss her again. "Chu! Chu! Chu! Ms. Bear wants to go, too!"
"Et tu, Ms. Bear?" Sachi sighed. "Fine. I'll pick you up tomorrow morning at 10 and we'll go the hall and see where you are but you have to leave it up to me whether you are ok to do this or not. Agreed?"
"Agreed!" I grinned through my tears.
"You're lucky I love you," Sachi said with a scowl. A look crossed her face I didn't recognize but she quickly recovered her composure.
"I love you, too, Sacchan!" I sniffed, holding the bear up and nuzzling her cheek with its nose. "Chu! And so does Ms. Bear!"
"Well, you and Ms. Bear had better rest up. Tomorrow's going to be a long day," Sachi sighed again and shook her head. "Call me if you need anything. Anytime. Ok?"
"Ok!" I replied with a grin. Still shaking her head Sachi left, closing the door behind her. "It's time to get to work, Ms. Bear!"