Alone in this.
People are surrounding me, the walls are closing in, I can't breathe, please help me…
It was a loud time at the concert, Cavetown, Billie Eilish, many more artists. So many people in this large area, somehow it seems overfilled, considering how massive this stadium is, I didn't think that would be possible, but it was.
Claustrophobia, an irrational fear of confined spaces, that's what I have, a fear. If only I wasn't so scared and claustrophobic, maybe I would be able to go out more, yet the anxiety just likes to take over each and every time I leave the house, I can't even go shopping without this fear crawling behind me.
I hate this, I want to go home.
My friends are with me, they didn't know what was wrong with me, not even I knew what was wrong with me, I was crouched down, my hands clapped over my ears to block out the noise, breathing ragged, melting down in a panic attack.
No, not again, this happens too much, I just want to have a good time for once, listening to music I love. Music usually kept me happy and calm but here, all the yelling of lyrics, it hurts, the sound pounds in my ear drums.
My breathing got heavier and heavier, soon I felt a tap on my shoulder, slowly looking up I saw a male, he looked tall, a few piercings covering his face, his hair incredibly blonde, that soft but worried look on his face, he seemed..trustworthy in a way.
Why was a stranger seeming more concerned about me than my own friends? That isn't right, my FRIENDS should be helping me, not this guy, why aren't they caring about what's going on right now?
"Come on, let's get out of here, get some fresh air." The man's voice was rather quiet but I could just hear it over the noise and through my covered ears, nodding slightly.
I don't know why I trust him more than I should, he is a stranger.
Slowly getting up, the other standing as well with me. He then began to lead me through the crowd of loud people, I kept my hands over my ears so i didn't have to hear it all so loudly, though it didn't work that well, it was still so, so loud.
As soon as we got out of the stadium, I went to the curb and sat down, taking deep, slow breaths to calm myself, the sound was still there but quiet enough that I could finally hear myself think, I thought it would still be loud like it was inside, luckily the walls quieted it well enough.
The guy sat beside me on the curb but I didn't care or bother to look at him, I just focused on breathing, in and out… In… Out… In… Out.
He placed his hand on my back, lightly rubbing circles, he was trying to comfort me.
He noticed me panicking, he noticed me on the verge of crying, my friends didn't even look my way, I don't even know him, he doesn't know me. Yet he still helped. He knew what true kindness was, unlike everyone else I know.
Soon enough I calmed down, able to breathe properly again, no panic in me at all. I buried it back down inside, hoping it would never show itself again.
A lie I told was,I never knew what was wrong with me, I did, I just didn't want to tell anyone, don't even want to admit it to myself.
Phobia
Why is it that people I truly trust never care? I want them to care, I hate that they ignore me, they talk over me, they don't help me when I'm breaking down. They sit there, laughing, are they laughing at me or something else? It hurts either way, like do I not exist?
I have many fears, but the worst fear I have is fear of abandonment. How can I fear that when I was already abandoned? I don't know, it just hurts when someone leaves.
Fun fact, the name of the fear of abandonment is autophobia. One of my many phobias, comforting to know that I have so many that can incase me with safety. Aichmophobia, fear of needles and/or pointed objects, I have always hated needles since I was a kid.
Some people think I'm odd because I have lots of phobias, I can't even list the rest of my phobias, there are so many. Compare it to the list of diagnoses I have, you would think I'm crazy.
Truly alone.
"Hey, are you okay?" The blonde guy sitting next to me asked.
I looked at him, shaking my head then looked away. He doesn't understand, he wouldn't understand how much it hurts to be scared of just being in a crowd, nobody would understand me, no one.
I stayed silent, not looking at him again, his hand stayed on my back, rubbing circles. It was surprisingly comfortable even though I never really liked being touched, I still found it nice.
Deep breath, in and out.
In...
Out…..
In…..
Out...
Looking back to the man, "Who are you? Why are you helping me?"
He shrugged, "you seemed like you were having a tough time in there."
I didn't know what to say, nor think. People always ignored me when I was breaking down like that, but he for some reason didn't.
"I'm not going to bite, don't look so scared"
Scared? Why would I look scared, shocked maybe but not scared. I decided to speak again, "Thank you, for being there. You can go enjoy yourself inside, you don't have to stay here with me." I shrugged, though it would be nice if he stayed.
The scared look on my face relaxed, he didn't leave, he seemed like he wanted to stay, well he did confirm he would stay with a little grunt.
I twirled my hair around my finger, nervous habit. Biting my lips, nervous habit. My other hand, tapping fingers against my leg, is also a nervous habit. Sometimes it's not nervousness, it's anxiety that causes me to do this too.
He took notice of all this, his hand had left my back a while ago. "What are you thinking?" he asked me.
What am I thinking? I don't know, the thoughts rush by in my mind randomly, I don't ever share them when I actually have a deeper thought about some of these thoughts, ideas. They aren't the nicest ideas.
"You can tell me"
Four words that have been repeated to me thousands of times before, the thing is, I can't tell anyone anything, not even someone who promises 'I won't tell anyone' it's all crap.
I looked at my feet, bringing my knees to my chest, I wrapped my arms around myself. "I can't"
He sighed, nodding, "I understand"
Understand? He isn't going to pressure me to tell him something I don't want to? That is what everyone else does, why isn't he doing it too?
It's odd, ever since the guy said he understood, I got even more awkward than I already was. Which awkward was practically my middle name.
People are a bunch of odd creatures in general, humans are very weird in my opinion. Well atleast I was weird, others might not be, I mean I only have four friends and they don't seem weird like me.
He was humming quietly to the music in the stadium, I truly didn't mind, it wasn't loud like it was in there.
Who was he again? Did he ever tell me his name? I don't think he did.
Back in the beginning.
I was diagnosed with autism when I was 3, young but that was exactly how old I was. Throughout the years it got rather difficult, I developed more issues but they weren't illnesses like that, they were just normal things like claustrophobia for example.
Little me was someone that explored a lot until I started going to public spaces and got crowded by tall, loud people. I was 6 when I had my first claustrophobic outburst. It wasn't fun, I got stared at when I screamed from how scared I was, everyone was looking at me.There was never anyone there to look after me when I had these panic attacks, everyone only stared or ignored me. Family, friends and all close people ignored me too.
My family thought praying for me would cure me of all these issues I have, but it didn't, it just made me feel like something was wrong with me, like I wasn't right.
Everything about me is rather complicated, my thoughts skip parts that should've been explained thoroughly yet they are just miss matched sentences, all having a new topic. I start thinking one thing, skip, on to the next thought on this train.
Why is it called a train of thought? I mean I understand that for someone with fast thoughts it could thrash past all over your mind but for someone with calmer ideas, how is it a train if it's so slow?
People scare me, but that's fine, I scare them too.
Restart?
"I'm sorry, so sorry you had to deal with me like this.." I say to the complete stranger that helped me.
He shrugged, "Everyone needs a little help occasionally."
That's true, everyone does need some help often. I do, I just don't like to admit that I do. "Well I'm fine, go back in there" I mumbled to him.