After that incident, I started having sleep paralysis episodes, I feared from even closing my eyes, thinking that what if I hear that evil malicious voice or see his cold face, sometimes I will regain consciousness in sleep and feel as if my head is sinking down to eternal sleep and darkness, which normally wouldn't be seen as a problem as many will only see it as a sign of tiredness and need of sleep. I also think of it every time; to just give up resisting and fall to sleep..... but for some reason, I am unable to do that,t my gut stops me from doing it, it feels as if, as if I give up and fall to sleep now, I may never wake up ever again. I helplessly try to resist this sleep paralysis of mine, by trying to shake my head in each and every direction I possibly can or try to make grunting noises, most of the time it gets too worse to even allow me to make a sound. I have seen a few dreams like that where I am in a complete state of hopelessness and I want to call for help but, I cannot.
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Such are these experiences but they are complete reality. I am totally aware of my surroundings yet I have no control over my body. When these episodes began for the first time my father was sleeping on the bed beside me. I tried my best to shake my head, putting all of my effort and energy to get in control, just to lose it again. I asked my dad to sleep on my bed because I felt as if my head was sinking and I was probably having a sleep paralysis episode. At least that's what I told him, but in reality, it was fear... I was afraid to be alone there. My father didn't ask me anything and just slept near me on my bed, being reassured that I was now not alone, I fell asleep and slept soundly. With time I have been able to tackle this issue alone, but sometimes it seems too risky because the sudden jerky movements in which I shake my head to escape from this sleep paralysis type of phenomenon is so harsh and abrupt that it can cause severe and I mean it... severe damage to my nerves so I refrain from doing it, but this method seems like the last weapon to fight that darkness when I am in that situation...
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I did some researches around sleep paralysis and dreams-related theories as well...but my sleep paralysis moments always feel unique to me from other people...
I don't know why...but for some reason, in my dreams, I can feel a sense of reality and nostalgia which kind of, gives ...err...how to say... a feeling of lost memories, it's, as if I had known a place for ages yet everything seems so different than real...
I lose most of the portions of my dreams, but I kind of remember the feelings somewhat, they feel as if I was tensed and scared yet was experiencing a joy of 'experiencing the unknown'... Many times after waking up, I seem to have numb body parts, they can be my hands or fingers or even my whole arms but they never happen to other body parts other than my upper limbs. Most of my dreams are forgotten, other than some fragments of memories and a feeling, a mystical feeling that I love to experience.
It's always as if I want to feel and see all those moments I am experiencing in that dream world, no matter how sad terrifying, or hopeless it gets, it just feels different from the feelings in our real world, it feels as if I am in a mythical storybook... I just want to experience it. It's not that if I have bad dreams throughout, there are some moments in my dreams that I don't know for what reason give me utmost joy, that even some of the major moments of happiness in a person's life cannot provide. Talking to people that you have never met in your life, giving you a sense of love and care towards them that you never want to forget or let go of.
Yes, I have experienced all of these things, but my dreams, no matter what the moment is, appear to be in a dark and damp tone as if I am feeling and living all of these moments just to get them broken again by something...or...
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SOMEONE...
Writer's note
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