[Draul St. Cross POV]
"So what brings you here today, Mr. Cross?"
"Please. You make it sound like I'm no longer welcomed here." I took a seat while the Ancient One continued flipping through some books, not bothering to lift her eyes from it since the beginning.
"But you only make it a point to drop by when you need a study or an opinion. And given the fact that you came to me and not Strange, then by process of elimination, you require an opinion." She kept looking at the tomes spread before her while occasionally taking a sip from her tea. "Do be a dear and get me the parchments on those shelves."
It's not like I had much of a choice nor could I refuse her so I did as I was told, like every good student does.
Other than the occasional sips and the sound of flipped pages, we remained in perpetual silence for the next two hours.
I at some point had gotten a few books for myself in her study and buried myself in it to pass the time and also making sure to refill her cup with tea whenever it was finished.
It was thirty minutes into the second hour before she finally put the books and parchments down and neatly set them aside before finally paying attention to me.
"Now, tell me what it is you want?" She gave me the go ahead.
"You once said that whatever entity it was that I was aligned with was not a benevolent one, do you know if its nature affects me in any way? I know it's supposed to be a stupid question if my anger were to be given its due credence, but I thought I had to ask." I then proceeded to explain to her the deal with Loki.
It was a known fact that, yes, I will always take the first chance to either decapitate or obliterate my opponent but recently I felt like I was changing too fast.
The flip between the two extreme ends of my emotional spectrum were no longer familiar to me.
Sure the deal with the Reality Stone made me entertain the farce or whatever it was that Odin was trying to pull off but what happened with Loki was not.
I was but a second from killing him when I should have just dropped him off at a barren planet or half way across the world. If Bucky hadn't stopped me and made me realize it then I would have thought that it was my normal thought process.
Killing Loki at this point in time would be disastrous as much as it was stupid.
Regardless of their faults, Odin loved both his sons. It didn't matter what Loki's birth was, no one would take care of a child for over a thousand years and not come to love them, even after all the pranks that he had undoubtedly run on them.
I did not go out of my way to look for trouble and me killing Loki was just that.
I might have threatened to kill the Asgardian princes if they were to attack me again, but that one was valid. No one likes being a punching bag so me replying in kind to their provocations was understandable.
But Loki didn't do anything, well except for getting in my face.
I knew I was changing ever since my evolution to an energy being, but other than the physical aspect and my powers I couldn't find anything different.
"You are not human, Mr. Cross. What you are currently is the case that covers the primordial force that contains the universe's equilibrium." She started.
"I had warned you about it because I feared it would happen at some point and due to your almost absolute degree of control over yourself whenever you deem it made it impossible for you to detect whatever slight changes were happening in your psyche.
While you might be a living Space Stone, you mind, however advanced it might be, is not yet ready to encapsulate infinity. So these changes will start to appear. It might be in ways you've never thought of or ways you'd think of as 'normal', but your evolution is not yet done Mr. Cross. Body and mind, that is true evolution."
I sucked in a cold breath as she finished her diagnosis. I wasn't ignorant of what she had speculated when I had made the decision to fuse with the Space Stone.
I had been confident in my mental capacity to be able to detect any changes in what made me, well me, but it turns out that even if I knew of these changes, I couldn't stop them because what she said was true.
Evolution occurs in both body and mind, trying to deny one part and allow the other was just half the process.
"Is there any way to, I don't know, keep the changes mild?" I asked, hoping there was some magical way to leave my mind be.
Instead of answering my question she just stared at me for a while which caused me to sigh.
"Is it trauma? From your time in HYDRA? You seem quite troubled by your mental change than anything else I've ever seen you experienced." She asked.
Was it HYDRA? Of course not.
They did a number on me, sure, but not to the point where I wouldn't have gotten through it over the years. I may not be the most morally upright person but that could just be attributed to my past.
"I know what it feels like to be someone you're not." I said to her.
"It's not HYDRA or any deep-seated form of long gone trauma… it's just that…"
"You don't want to change, or rather you are not at all intrigued by how far you will change. It's them isn't it?" She asked.
"Of course it's them. You think I would give two shits about some mental evolution if I was all by my lonesome?"
"No, I reckon you wouldn't."
"No, I wouldn't."
I drank from my cup of tea, how ironic, and looked at the light that hung low from the ceiling.
"How far do you think it'll go? I don't think the primordial essence of Space is something that is capable of rational thought and care." There was no use moping since I knew something like this was bound to happen. Sure I didn't know how far and deep its effects would go but it is what it is.
"I don't know. No one's ever fused with an Infinity Stone as far as I, as well as the Sanctum, am aware. This is something you'll have to find out on your own. Thankfully, it should be a gradual process rather than a full overwrite so you'll have time acclimation to your new mental state. Though you'll have to look out for such changes and endeavor to let them run their intended course when you fuse with the other stones."
Great! One wasn't enough, now I need to watch out for five more qualitative mental change. I wonder if I would even be the same after I was done fusing with the stones.
"Personally I think it's admirable that you would be reluctant to a mental change just because of your family, but you know everyone is susceptible to change even more so you when you are trying to engulf the universe within your being. It was bound to change you down to your core. You will have to accept at one point or the other that there are some things that will exceed your scope of power at one point of your life no matter how strong you are. Better now than later." Her voice was soft as if wanting to comfort me but rather than that, it mildly irritated me.
I wasn't some naïve boy with grand delusions of power nor was I an egotistical man who would throw a tantrum the moment things don't go his way. I was a thirty year old man and this was a truth I had known for decades.
While others might find it disgusting, I was the type of guy that would just roll over when faced with something inevitable or something I had no hope of overcoming.
Give me cancer as a human and the next thing I would do was get a calendar and start marking the countdown to the day the doctors finally pulled the plug or until I could no longer meet up with the medical upkeep.
These were things I had no control over and I was perfectly fine with it.
But what I was apparently not fine with was something lowly, interfering within my scope of power and putting everything asunder.
My mental state was it.
It was something that I constantly guarded, even from Yelena and the others.
Now if some primordial or cosmic entity were to come and break through my mental barriers then I would accept that since I know I was nowhere near their match but for a mindless stone to start rewriting my psyche to suit itself, now that was enough to throw me off.
What ticked me off more was that I had apparently no say in what I wanted to change and what I would prefer it remain itself.
And for me to go through this change five more times, each time different from who I was, was something I'm sure would completely throw most people off.
And the worst part about it was that I had no choice. Even if I had known about the changes it would bring, down to its finest details, I would still have fused with the Space Stone and would have also gone for the Power Stone.
It felt as if someone just sucker punched me with an 'I told you so'.
"I don't think it's as bad as you make it seem." The Ancient One's voice brought me out of my inner musings.
"And pray tell why do you think so?" I asked disinterestedly.
"The stones can either be seen as basic things and can be explained in even simpler ways. Rather than seeing it as something that seeks to rewrite your mental faculties, see it as something like a virus, a parasite, latching onto something for a mutual benefit." She poured tea into the two cups wet before us.
"I'm listening, but I still don't see how it's a good thing."
"Look at it like it is imprinting on a particular aspect of your mind that resonates perfectly with it and taking over that part as its own domain. And what better for the Space Stone than your all-encompassing anger."
That was a solid thought, but not one that inspired confidence in me. "It should have taken my wit instead." She rolled her eyes which drew a chuckle from me.
"So the stones are taking an aspect of my personality, I don't know if I should be intrigued by that or downright terrified. When it comes to my own personality, they all border on the extreme ends so space taking anger might not have been the best idea." I reasoned.
"It does have its pros and cons. Your anger is the only emotion that, even when kept tightly lidded, manages to dwarf the others once released. It merging with your anger is also a way for you to learn how to fully control space and, vice versa, your anger."
"Yeah right, and if I get angry, space, and in extension the universe, would feel it. God, it's like I'm becoming Ororo. And even after I preached to her about control. I don't need to be psychic or a seer to know how this particular conversation will go." I groaned at that thought and the Ancient One just took my frustration as amusement.
"You know, despite the ups and downs and the unknown danger you face at every turn, it's refreshing to see how you, like everyone else, struggle with their daily life and loved ones." She said.
"Tell me about it. I try not to think about it too much, save myself from an existential crisis."
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