I saw him sitting in front of the closed school gate like a lost child. He wears white shirt and hugging his knew. I saw another part of him that I didn't know.
"Are you okay?"
He slowly raised his head when he heard my voice.
I take two canned coffees in a vending machine nearby and gave him one who is now sitting on a bench in the park near the school.
"I never saw this place at times like this" I said as I take a sip.
I want to ask him what happened. I want to know why. If he is okay or what he is doing in front of the school this time. There are a lot of questions running to my mind right now yet I chose not to spoke because I want to come from him. I want him to tell him what he wants to say and I don't want him to get uncomfortable.
It took a half can of coffee before he spoke. I can still feel that he is shaking from cold.
"She said that she falls out of love to me"
"Suddenly?"
"I don't know where she's coming from. I don't know what her reason is"
"You didn't ask her?"
"I did. God knows how much I begged that time. I already kneeled that time just to stay with me. I don't believe that she suddenly falls out of love to me"
I want to pity him. I want to hug him and say it's okay yet I can't because I pity myself more.
I can imagine him kneeling in front of her and begging so much to go back to him. I didn't notice that my tears are falling instead of him like I was the one who had just suffered from break up.
"What is your plan now?" I asked as I wipe my tears.
"I won't give up on her"
"Hmmm…. Good for you"
I drink the last coffee on my cup then stand.
"I should get going. We have a class later. You should go home too might get a cold"
Then I turned around and slowly walked away as rain suddenly falls, it was summer that time yet it is still raining.
I want to turn back; I want to see if he is still there where I left him. I want to run to him and share my jacket so both of us won't get wet. Yet I know that it is not me he needed.
I was still sleepy after that, that I came to school late. I was tired from running and when I get to the room. I noticed that he is not there as I pull my chair.
When I take my sit I asked his seatmate where he is. He just answered me with a question also.
"You don't know? He is absent"
I slowly turn in front to know where he is right now.
"Are you still get along?" asked Jacob who is in front of me eating with me in the cafeteria.
"He is absent" I said without looking at him and stating at my food.
"This is the first time I heard that" he said as he ate looking at me.
"I know where he is"
"To his girlfriend? Did he really love that girl so much that he can't separate from her?"
"They broke up"
"Huh? When?"
"Last night"
"How'd you know?"
"He called me two in the morning"
"Are you okay"
I slowly look at him and nod.
"Of course. Why wouldn't I? it is not me who suffered break up" then I looked at my food again.
"Y…yeah…of course. Then if they are through why did he still go to her"
"To beg…to beg for her love… to be with her again"
"He really likes her"
"He likes her before I met him. He likes her today and he will still like her in the future. It is still her all along"
"Are you okay?"
"You already asked me that" I raised my head to look at him.
And I will give you the same answer, I am okay" I added.
"I mean, are you okay that you are just following him without telling what you really feel?"
"What's the point of telling him if I am not the one he wanted?"
"Then why are you still following him?"
"I might be a moron to say this but… I am still hoping. There might be a hope that even how much he like that girl he will give time to turn his back and look at me. If he is just going to turn his back, he will see me there. I am still there"
"If you want him to turn his back on you then why don't you turn your back also? Even just once, because I am there. I am there trying to reach you even I know that there is already a line between us and a sign telling that your heart only belongs to him. You have been hurting yourself all this time for a one sided feeling. Let's stop it. Let's stop hurting ourselves anymore and turn blind eyes. Even how many times the world turns around, he will still choose that girl. Let's stop it, let's stop this already. Hmm"
I didn't notice that my tears are starting to raise flowing in my food. I didn't raise my head nor says anything. I silently sob yet I try so hard that he won't notice.
He didn't come to school for a week and every time I am going to his place, he is locking himself to his room and never talked to anyone nor eat. This is different from the person I first met during summer yet it is raining that time. This is the first time I saw him suffer this much. I guess there were no really hope between them. It is really over. And I hate that every time I see him like this, I am breaking too.
"Why do you want to meet?" she said as soon as she arrived and throw her bag to the bench and sit with me.
"Why did you break up with him?" I asked without hesitation.
I know that she looked at me yet I didn't turn. I am looking at the kids running at the park.
"Is that what you want to ask that is why you want to meet me?" she said still looking at me. I can sense a little annoyance on her voice.
"He's breaking apart. He likes you all his life, it was just you and it will be still you"
I turned to her and looked at her straight in the eyes.
"Do you think I am not suffering also?"
She already raised her voice and stand that caught the attention of some people passing by in the park.
I slowly raised my head to look at her with chill even I am already shaking inside.
"Then why did you leave him?" I asked without emotion.
"As if I have a choice, I also don't want to leave him" she answered while sitting again.
"I don't understand"
"I had an illness. The doctor says that I only had a few months to live"
"Why you didn't tell him?" I said looking at her.
"I don't want him to pity me. I don't want him to waste his life for me. I know him, of he learned about my illness, he will always stay beside me and take care of me and I don't him to be like that. I want him to enjoy his life even it means that I am not already part of it" she said looking away with tears in her eyes.
"Yet he's suffering also"
"It was just in the beginning; he will forget me in no time" then she wiped her tears.
"You were his first love and I think you were be the last"
"What are you two really?"
I don't know how to answer that. Every time someone is asking me what are we. I automatically keep silent because even I doesn't know the answer.
"When I am asking him what you are to him, he also can't answer. He said that you are not friends, so what are you really to him"
"He said he just cares. Maybe he just pities me because I am a loner. I am alone ever since and don't have someone to call a friend"
"Then… why don't you take this chance to make him like you" she said as she looks at me with a fake smile on her face.
"Do you think she will come back to you if you lock yourself there and don't eat or talk to anyone? Do you think she will still like you if you don't care of yourself?" I said seated in front of the door of his room.
I know he is on the other side, and I know he is listening.
I don't want to see him like this anymore. I don't want his suffering.
"Promise me, you are not going to tell him about it" she said as she waved goodbye running away from me.
She didn't wait for my answer and she ran too fast.
"Is he okay?" Jacob asked.
He was supposed to be the one who is with me hanging out in our favorite spot in school yet I am in with different guy now.
"Nope" as I parted my hair at the same time.
"How about you"
"I am always okay" I said as I looked at him.
Today was the exam day I thought that he won't come yet everyone stopped like it was the first time he entered the room when he suddenly appears.
"I thought you are not coming" I said watching him like everyone in the room does.
"It is exam day today" he said while fixing his things.
"I might be broken, I still have dream" he added as he stands straight and look at me.
I smiled slightly, I am happy that he went to school again.
"How was the exam" I asked as we are walking together going to the cafeteria.
"I think I did great. Thanks to the notes you lend"
"Those are yours already. I have my own"
"Thank you"
"Of course"
"I am planning to give Jacob an answer today"
He stopped from drinking his coffee and looked at me who is just sitting beside him.
I am playing my fingernails and not looking at him. I have been practicing myself to say this to him. My heart is beating fast like it would beat out of my chest.
"Why?!"
"He is been courting me for eight months"
"Then…"
He is very serious; it is making me more nervous.
"I think I should give him a chance"
The ambiance is getting colder and colder even the weather is hot.
"Do you like him?"
I pause for a while.
"O…of course…I…I like…him"
"Liar"
I suddenly looked at him, he is not looking at me.
"What if I tell you… I like you"
My eyes widened on what I heard and look closer to him.
"…will you…still give him… a chance?" he continued then slowly turned his head to look at me.
"What did you say?"
I can't describe the happiness I am feeling right now that I am smiling till to my eyes like crazy.
"Something came in to my ears so I didn't hear"
Even I really heard what he said, I just wat him to repeat it to make sure hehehehe.
"Okay"
He first takes a deep breath before continuing.
"I will tell it again for the last time, I won't repeat it"
"I like— "
He didn't finish what he was saying when I hugged him already with a big smile, the biggest smile I ever had.
"Ayieee!!! I like you too. I like you so much"
He smiled and hugged me back.
"So in the end, it is still him"
"I'm sorry" I said as I lower my head.
I am very shy, he courted me for eight months and I gave him false hope.
"Don't be. I already knew from the start that you like him before I courted you. Finally, he realized that he likes you. I'm okay"
I hugged him for the last time.
"I'm sorry, and thank you. Thank you for everything" I whispered then let go of him and leave.
It was just like a dream. I still can't believe that the man I am just wishing to be mine is already in my arms. I am so glad that he finally moved on to the girl he was super in love with for almost whole of his life.
"Tadaaa… I prepare a lunch for both of us" I said when I suddenly appeared in front of him when he is waiting for me at the same spot we used to.
"Did you cooked this?" he asked as he get the other box and opened it.
"Of course. I am a great cook you know"
He tasted the fried egg in the lunch box.
"Whatchu think"
"Hmmm… it's good"
"Really?!!"
"Hmmm… it's delicious for your first try"
"I know right. I made it with love"
"How'd you know I like ice cream?" I said as I lick the strawberry ice cream he bought me after we went on an amusement park this Saturday.
"How will I not know; you are always saying you like that since we came here" he said while laughing.
"I've been craving this since last week"
"It's your favorite, you are always craving that"
This is how our love story goes by as a couple. We always go out and he treats me like I am the prettiest that makes me love myself even more. He could be the perfect guy I can have. This is the guy that caught my attention that makes me fall like crazy during summer yet it is still raining.
We always run to each other when we call or text. We always show how special each one in every moment we spend. This is my first time in a relationship yet it makes me the happiest. He is like my human stuff toy that I really like to hug and cuddle. Even we are not sweet as the other couples holding and kissing in publics, we don't have to give gifts and exchanging sweet and corny words every day, I know that we show our affection in a different way, a way that only two of us can understand.
It is been a couple of months since we became official and put a label on our relationship. And I am afraid, afraid that this happiness I am feeling right now is only temporary and when life take it back from me, maybe the payment is heavier.
"I'm sorry. I still love her"
Then he turned his back and slowly walked away from me vanishing into my eyes.
"Noooo!!!"
I suddenly woke from my sleep breathing heavily yet when I touched my cheek, there were tears flowing.
"You'rrrreeee here" I said when I went out of the house to go to school.
"Why do you seem so shock? We are going to school every day"
"A… I know" then walked away.
He run to go with me.
"What's wrong? You seem you are not in your usual self today?" he said when he caught up.
"Ah… nothing… I just had a bad dream last night" still walking fast.
"What dream?" he says then get my bag.
"N…nothing, it was just elves"
I lied. I am scared that it might happen in real and what he might tell me if I told him about it.
"Do you want ice cream?" he asked while his right arm is on my shoulder.
"Hmm" I answered with nod and smile looking at him.
It is Saturday and we planned to shop today in a mall for his mother's birthday next week.
"I saw someone selling ice cream there, wait a minute and I will buy" he said as he removed his arm to my shoulder and ran to where he saw the ice cream.
I am standing there where he left me to wait for him when I heard my name from behind. I turned around to see.
I stood there like a paralyzed person and my heart stops beating fast when I saw who is calling me.
Should I turn around and run and pretend that I didn't saw her?
Why is she here of all time? This is not in the plan.
Wait, did he saw her?
I looked around to check.
"Long time"
I startled when she was already near in front of me wearing a bright smile.
"You're here" I said uneasily still looking around.
"Chill, he won't see us"
"Do you know?" this time I am already looking at her.
"See, I told you that he will fall for you. Congratulations, you are already with the person you love"
"How…how about you"
"Fighting, I need to go. See you around" she said as she walked away.
"I hope not" whispered to myself while watching her.
I startled a little when he suddenly showed the ice cream in front of me. I smiled at him and get the cone.
"Let's go" I said as I hanged my arm to his then walked together.
"What do you think about this babe?" he asked showing me a floral blouse.
"Ahh… nice. Beautiful babe" I said with a strained smile and looking around.
"Why don't you relax? Is everything okay?"
"Hmm… of course. Go and do your thing. I'm okay"
He goes back from looking at the blouses.
I am still nervous and restless because there might be a chance that she's still around and that is the last thing I want.
"Thank you, I had so much fun today"
I am already standing in front of our house and it was already seven in the evening so it means it is already dark.
In the end, we bought her mom a pair of earrings and a necklace which I think it suits her age better. She will look young wearing it and more beautiful.
Oh, I already met his mom and younger brother. I went to their house once.
"Are you sure?"
"Hmm… I just ah…. not feeling well? I guess"
"Why what's wrong? Are you hurt somewhere?"
"Nah… I'm okay. Maybe I am just overthinking"
"Okay, tell me if you are hurt somewhere, in pain, or you're okay or not"
"Yeah, yeah babe"
He takes a cab and I wait for it to go before entering.
I don't know what happened. The last thing I remembered is that I am going home from staying late at the library because I had to finish a project. I let him go home first because I felt guilty that he is staying late with me so even he doesn't want to go, I insist. I am walking alone on my home where the street light is my only light and the sound of the cars and wind is the only sound I hear. I am saving money so I don't I don't take a cab or a bus if I can walk. Then I heard a rustling behind me while walking. I thought it was just a small animal or an insect yet as I walk the sound is getting louder and louder as if it is getting nearer to me. Chill run all over my skin with the cold wind that rushed all over the place. I ran until I reached home. I was already in front of the house yet I can't open the door because I can't find the keys on my bag, my things are jangling inside. There were no people inside the house because they went for dinner outside. Then the next thing I know is all I can see is colored red, when I touched my face. There is blood on it then everything went black.
I woke up feeling the pain on my head. My eyes got widened when I opened my eyes and saw unfamiliar place that I have never been to. And I was even more surprised to see who was in front of me at the other side of the room who was as bound as I was. When I turned to the right, I saw a man fighting the bad guys. My eyes are blurry and I can't see his face properly because of the light coming in from a small window. Someone grab my neck and I can't breathe and hardly talked. He stepped forward and he saw me on this situation. There were bruises on his face and some blood are flowing. On the other side is a girl with the same situation as mine. All I can hear is an evil laugh, a laugh that is loud enough to break my ears. He can't choose who's going to save. He looked at me in a second then he looked at the girl. Who will he save? Tears started to flow thinking that he can't make up his mind between the two of us. He can't choose who's most precious to him. Shocked mark on his face the moment he saw me while whispering my name. I am his girl now and she's already part of his past yet why do I still can see that he likes her in his eyes.
It was raining that summer and he shouts my name. even though it hurts I tried not turning back. He hugged me tightly and I can resist. I can feel the warm all over my body. He's the one in my mind and yet I can't come to him the fact that he can't choose me. I turned to him with still tears on my eyes flowing with the rain that drenched the both of us.
"Do you like me?" I asked looking straight into his eyes.
I want to find the answer on them yet I can't read what they are telling me. It says he liked me yet it also tells me that he doesn't.
"I liked you"
"Liked? Past tense?"
He didn't answer and can't look directly into my eyes.
Why he is like that? Please look into my eyes and say how much you like me. I want him to tell me that it is me, it is still me and always be me yet he is silent.
I tried to shout I loved him that was hidden in my heart all along. I tried to let go of what I feel. That moment shouting how I feel will reach him. I was about to go but I saw him standing in front of me already. My heart beats fast as like running in a marathon. I was catching my breath while he walks towards me. I saw a picture of him when I saw him for the first time, it is still fresh in my mind, the time when the rain drops on summer. I walked back, I was about to run but it was too late, he already grabbed my hand. I looked at him shaking but I can't see his emotion. I tried to let go but I can't see. I was already shouting to go but he never listens. He just loves me if he doesn't have a choice. He just loves me when she's not around. He just loves me because I am there.
I whispered in his ears,
"You'll never love me, do you?"
He slowly let go of my hand shocked on what I told him. I started to walk away but slowly, I thought he's going to chase me and tell me that he feels the same. I am waiting for him but he never come. I am fool.
I realized that it was just me who always tell my feelings, he never told me he loves me on the days we are together. I never heard him says the magic words, yet I am here expecting that I could replace her place in his heart expecting that I could be there also.
"She's sick, she's dying"
Even I promised that I would not tell him but maybe this time he will choose me already because I am healthier and will live longer.
"Then I will stay by her until her last breath"
"You're strong. You're strong to tell me that in front of me"
"I'm sorry"
"I want to punch you, you know. I want to kick you and punch you until you bleed. Until you kneel in front of me and apologize"
"I'm sorry"
"I'm fool. I'm fool of expecting that I can replace her. I am stupid that I thought I can also be there, in your heart. I thought that it was already all mine yet u am still outside and knocking. I can't still enter because she's there"
"I'm sorry"
"Stop apologizing. I might kill you if I heard it again"
He hugged me tightly. I feel the warm of his body, the same warm I felt when we became official. My body got dehydrated because all the water is coming out of my eyes because of one person.
"You make me the happiest when I am with you. Trust me when I say, I never regret having you"
Then he let go of me.
"Then why are you not choosing me"
"It is just unfair" I added.
"It is unfair in my part" I said while wiping my tears.
"I gave you everything I had. Isn't it enough?"
"Nooo" he said as he holds my head with passion and wipe my tears.
"You gave me enough and I will be forever grateful for everything you gave me. Thank you for the love, the care and thank you for the memories. I can't afford to replace all that"
I removed his hands on me.
"It's your choice. You just let the best woman I go" I said with force smile with tears on my eyes looking at him.
"I know" he said with a weak smile on his face.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I am not what you wanted. I'm sorry that I am not enough. I'm sorry I'm not as pretty as her. I'm sorry I'm not as smart as her. I'm sorry I'm failing. I'm sorry I'm to blame. I'm sorry I'm worthless. I'm sorry I'm useless. I'm sorry I'm a mess. I'm sorry I can't be proud. I'm sorry that you have to deal with me"
My tears kept flowing that I could almost wash them off my face without looking at him. He hugged me tight for the last time.
"It's okay that you don't like me. I can't blame you, even I doesn't like myself much also"
I asked him why. I asked him many time but he still chose her. He still willing to let me go. He's still crazy for her. I tried to plead and kneel but I can't fight anymore.
I am tired fighting alone. I am tired hoping that we can be. I am tired thinking and crying for a wrong guy.
"You came back" I said to her without reaction.
"It is a miracle that I have a longer life now"
"Are you going to take him back?"
"I just let you borrow him"
"You lent him for two months, why not for life"
"He is mine in the first place. He is always been mine"
"He is not a thing that you can leave and get it back whenever you want"
"I am just getting back what is mine"
"What did you do to him to make him like you this much?"
"I don't know. The only thing I know is we are destined to each other"
"You leave him alone even he is begging and I am the one who is in there to comfort him instead of you"
"I just don't want him to suffer because I am gone"
"Then why are you taking him back now? He started opening his heart again and he is starting to get up yet you showed and his world is twisted again"
"I didn't want this too yet what choice do I have. I like him"
"He is mine now. Can't you not take it back what is not yours already"
"I'm sorry but I like him and I still like him and will always"
"I hope I can also find a love like the two of you have"
She hugged me with both tears on our eyes.
It is game over already. I lost.
I don't want to open my eyes to see the truth.
My tears are enough flowing in darkness.
You leave a scar that will never heal.
Yet I can't still accept the fact that you are away.
My heart beats fast but the pain remains.
My eyes are still stuck in your presence.
You were here just beside me.
Yet you were the farthest thing I can't reach.
In denial, denying.
Convincing myself that it's nothing.
It shouldn't, it should never be.
We're not destined to be one.
I tried to ignore you.
In order to forget you.
But ignoring is a hard thing to do.
Forgetting you is much even worst.
In the end of the day
I will still cry for you anyway.
You just passed by
And never said goodbye.
Walking in your way
Looking you this way.
Thinking what to say
But it was nothing anyway.
I let you in for you don't have a choice.
I hold you thinking it was true
But you let go of my hand
And chose to walk away
I ignored the others just for you
I thought you chose me for a reason
But I am just an option
Trying to be ameliorate
Tears keep flowing into my eyes
Reminiscing those old days
How you let go of my hand
I cried in front of you but you didn't listen
I missed your hugs, your voice
The way you are to me
All those times I kept on blaming you
You gave me up so easily
And I'm fool in letting go
Of the one I really want to stay
And now I know
How things have changed between you and me
I've trust our plans
And accept your flaws
But you chose to break my heart
And I miss the times when my smiles are still real
My heart is gloomy
I was saddened beyond compare
I'm mad and can't forgive
I was like a thorn rose in your hand
Yes, our love story is like a fairy tail
I am the princess ad you are my prince charming
And all stories that ends in happily ever after
Starts in once upon a time
But not all stories
That starts in once upon a time
Ends in happily ever after
Our love is more like a tragedy
You are my Romeo and I am your Juliet
But instead of dying together,
Till death do us apart
We separate from each other.
"Daaaaaad!!!"
I lost my father when I was five due to the accident at his work. There were fire and he is on the seventh floor. Lots of employees died that day and the company take responsibility of it.
Our house got sold on the bank and we didn't even know. We just got a notice one day that they knocked on our door and kicking us out. I am afraid, I thought that I am going to stop my studies and we have to work to pay for debts.
Since I was a kid, I am already a loner and center of bullies. I always go home with gums on my hair and losing my allowance or snacks. Yet even though I am always like that, I never cried and always speechless.
We are going from one place to another because of some circumstances and that is also why I keep on transferring schools that I entered, I never get so close and attracted to a guy or gain any friends.
I am going home late one night because I got lost in a new neighborhood. I am very scared that time that I kept on calling my father who is not with us anymore. It was already dark and I bet that my mother is already looking for me. I heard a rustling sound behind me with the cold wind that rushes unto my skin. I was walking back and forth and I am coming back to the same place. It started raining and I shed under a big tree. I hugged my knees and started crying.
The next thing I knew is there is already a hand in front of me. I hold them and stand, after a while I am already in front of our house.
I saw mom ran out of the house to hug me and when I looked at the kid who helped me. I was about to introduce him to mom when he was already gone.
When I reached high school, I still remain my low profile. My life was quiet like a typical high school student and this is what I imagined I should live. However, meeting him is not included and falling for him is not in the plan. I was used staying in dark and he came to lead me the way to light. My high school life turns around, it became noisy and messy. I never thought in one in a million times that this will happened. Who would know as the rain drops makes sound during summer and the class is going on, my life will be changed because of one guy.
Every time I see him, I die a little bit inside to know that this guy can't be mine. When I am with him, I'm forgetting what I look like and the people around us like it was like the world is rotating just for the two of us. Yet when I blink my eyes, I am waking up to the reality that it was just a dream and I am still hopeless.
When I hold him for the first time. I can finally can say that you are mine and we are together. I am the happiest when he tells me that he likes me. Every day is like a dream and if it is then I don't want to wake up anymore. We are just like a pen and a paper, a shoes and a sock, a toothbrush and a toothpaste, we are made together. Our love story is already perfect and I thought that it will never end. Yet the curtains closed, it was already finished. Our story ends this way. I was fool to expect I can change the destiny, that I could replace what is in his heart. What can I do, the true love is my rival and I am just person who came in the picture when their story already began without me. It was like I just came to their life to prove the love they have for each other that whoever came, they will still choose each other. In a moment, everything had changed. In a blink of an eye he is mine then in another blink he's out of reach again. Maybe this is a part of loving him, which is also learning to let him go. I was able to like him; I was also able can set him free.
I found the right guy, gave the perfect love, it was the right time, everything is outright. Except for one thing, for him I am not the perfect girl and not even close for being the right one.
I wish I had a delete button in my life. To delete him, his memories and the feelings. To stop this bleeding from inside. I just want to end this suffering and the pain that whatever I do to entertain myself, every move I take it hurts from within like I have a broken rib.
" Are you okay that you let him go this way?" Jacob asked who stand beside me at the rooftop of the school looking afar.
"He still loves her, what can I do. I don't want to be a villain to them anymore"
"It is not your fault, you just fallen in love"
"What if I fall for you instead" I looked up to him who is also looking at me now.
"I wish I could teach my heart to do that" then I turn to look at the view again.
"If that happens, I will do my best to heal your wounds"
"I don't like to talk about my situation, because I know if I talk, I'd cry"
"I am here; you can cry as much as you want until it hurts no more" he looked at me for a second.
"I did everything to be the right person, but he still gave up on me"
"It is like what you said already, you can't teach your heart whom to love and who will not"
"Yet he loved me even for a short time, why can't he love me for a lifetime"
"It's painful to say goodbye to someone you don't want to let go, but more painful to ask someone to stay when you know they want to leave"
"Am I that easy to let go?" this time I am facing him already.
"You are like a pearl in the deep of the ocean and he is just not willing to dive to get you because he already had his own pearl"
"How about you? Will you dive for me?"
"If I could, I already make you mine"
"Why? Why me Jacob?"
"Because I know what it feels like to be lost and lonely and invisible"
"So you liked me because you pity me also"
"I admit, at first I just courted you to make him confess to you yet it is not in the plan falling for you for real. I don't understand, I wish I was better at telling people how I really feel"
"Why did you do that? So you planned this all along. From my losing of consciousness in the corridor that time to always meeting me in the cafeteria"
"All people are asking what you two are. I just want to he— "
"Help?! You want to help?! For what? I didn't ask for your help. You were just a nobody who popped out in front of me. I handles all those questions asking questions about us and I can handle them again"
"I'm sorry I thought, I would be any help. I am expecting a result"
"A result?1 what are we? Your experiment?"
"I just want to help you"
"Well, sad to say that you are not helping"
"I already saw the result, you become together. Don't you think it is not through me?"
"Yes, maybe we became an item but it hurts me more"
It sucks to have a feeling like you are not good enough. I was the one in there from the start. I was the one who is with him all this time. Yet even though I was the one in there doesn't mean that I was also remain in there. Just because he was there since the beginning, doesn't mean that he was there until the end. It hurts to expect that and sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through expectations.
When he said he liked me, I can't believe that it was reality that I almost jump out of happiness. I can't believe it was happening that I have to pinch myself to make sure that I am not dreaming every time I read his message every morning. I felt so special when I was in his arms, and I felt so loved that I never thought it would end. When I finally thought it was real, he proved me wrong.
Even how much I break for leaving me, even how many tears I shed for that man. I still don't regret meeting him and falling for him. If I can turn back time, I will still choose the same. I will still stay and fall for him over and over again because even for once it makes me smile and I become happy. So should I be sad because it is over? Or should I be happy that he once became mine. Because the best memory I had is when meeting him. The only thing I regret is that I didn't gave him all my love when we are together that I did not realize that I had run out of time. Sometimes giving up doesn't means you are weak, sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go. So I believe that I am strong woman who can let the person I love be free.
What is coming is better than what it is gone. They said to move on and forget, think about the future and who will come next. But how will I move on when he is the only one I ever wanted in the future. I already planned our life together thinking that it would last forever. He is the very first person I felt this way so I thought that he is the person I meant to spend my life with. Yet relationships are meant for break ups, it makes me believe that how long the process might be, it will all end in heart breaks.
Even how much I avoid. I can still see the two of them together. The world is small for the three of us that fact that we are studying in one school and in one class. Every time I looked at him, it reminds me why I fell for him in the first place. And every time I heard his voice, I want to hug him tight and wish that time will stop ticking so he will remain in my arms forever.
All eyes are glued to the man who just entered the room. Our eyes met once he introduced his name. Those brown eyes of him like telling me something. He was there standing in front of me for the first time yet it was like I already met him long ago. As soon as the hand of the clock moves, my heart is been shot. It was nearly summer that day yet it is still raining, that day I met him.
We never became friends because he never told me so. However, we call each other and stay by each other when we think we need a hand and someone to lend on. I already can't hardly remember my life before I met him or how we became that close. We are occupied on the things that we are chasing to that we didn't even notice of the time are passing so fast. I was so busy in chasing him and he was so busy from chasing her like the three of us are in a marathon. I was chasing the guy who is chasing the other girl.
I saw with my two eyes how he confessed to that girl and willing to do everything just to win her heart. It breaks me to hear when he says that he never stopped thinking about her when I was there. Yet it breaks me more when he saw me there and didn't even chase after me.
"You will never love me, do you?"
He didn't answer that question. I already know the answer even he didn't speak by just the way he let go of my hand that day. I walked away and waiting for him to stop me yet he did not. It was summer that time but it is still raining. I was walking in the rain with tears on my eyes. Seven steps away and I look back expecting that he is still there. It makes me sadder when I turned back and he is not there anymore.
I thought he will already choose me this time because of course, I am his girl now. Yet I saw the hesitation on his eyes when he saw me and the girl who is both in pain and with blood flowing on our heads. He needs to rescue one of us, he needs to save one to survive and let go of the other. It crushes me to see how his eyes move from her to me and thinking twice. I want to shout that I am his girl and she was just part of his past. I want to scream if I just don't have a tape on my mouth. I want to run to him to say that choose me, please choose me.
Choose me because I am there in his best and I am still there in his worst. Isn't that enough already to make him stay? He stopped for a while and stepped back a little when I stare him straight in the eyes with tears on mine. Those brown eyes always speak of the truth even his mouth is silent. I want to know what really is in his heart.
I walked away after and I know that he will chase me this time. I want to hear his explanation and says that he still likes me. Yet the words that came out of his mouth that time is the very last thing I want to hear and the least I am expecting.
When I hear him say, "I'm sorry" I already know what he is going to tell me next that I want to stop him from speaking. When he says he's sorry, I know that this will be the end for both of us. It is raining that time even it is already summer. That time, we broke up.
I pity my pillow that is always drowning in my tears every night that I cry in silence until I fall asleep. I pity my heart that was in pieces and bleeding. He was not with me anymore but he still has a space there.
I can still hear the shouts of the soccer players on the third floor where our room was. The sun is starting to set and the orange color of the sky is reflecting in the window of the room. I was the only person left in the room fixing my things and go home already. When I turned to the door, I saw him enter the room.
"You are still here" he says without looking at me in the eyes.
I stood there like a statue and my knees are starting to get weak. It is been a long time since we are alone like this that I already forgot when was the last time.
"How about you?" I asked acting tough not showing how weak I am on my voice that I am shaking and stopping myself from running to him.
I hold the table tightly because if I don't I will be able not going to let him go.
"I just came from the faculty to excuse myself" he said while fixing his things he left.
"Why? Are you…going somewhere?"
"Her illness trikes again so she was in the hospital right now. She needed me, I want to stay by her side"
"Will…she lives?"
"She might survive for few more months"
"And you still want to stay by her side?"
"I want to be there until her last breath"
"You will just going to hurt yourself"
"I don't care. She needs me. If I will get hurt then so be it, it is part of loving her. If I could I will take all her pain away but all I can do is stay by her side"
"You really love her, right"
"I love her that I could give my life if I could"
He hanged his back and leave. I was alone again. I was supposed to go now yet my knees got weakened that I almost sat on the floor still holding the table. My whole body is shaking, not because I got talked to him again but because I realized that I am already hopeless. Our love s hopeless.
As he said, he was absent in class for many days. If I was the one who is sick and dying, will he love me already? That was the craziest thought I had.
Roses are red, violets are blue. It hurts to know that I cannot be with him. And no one knows how much I cried that day, the day he said his last goodbye. The day he hugged me tight for the last time. The day he wiped my tears. The day he said I am enough but still didn't choose me. The day I was shattered like a glass. Yet when he asked me if I am okay, I said I am fine. I am fine cuz I can handle the pain. I am fine because I can still smile. I am fine because I can still hold myself from stopping him in going away. I am fine…but it doesn't mean it didn't hurt me.
After that, I didn't hear any news about him and the girl. Every time I am walking past to the hospital, a lot of things came flashing in my mind. I want to go, I want to go see him and visit her. My heart is saying that I should go and see them yet my mind says no. Every afternoon after class, I stopped for a while and gaze the whole building guessing in which room they are from the windows. It was summer again yet it is still raining. People around me are running and looking for shed and here I am standing in the middle and didn't even bother to look a place that can cover my head. I can feel every drop of water that touches my skin and flowing in my face still looking at the building.
In a blink, I heard someone called me from the back.
Even I am drenched, I don't feel cold yet when I heard the voice that I have been longing to hear. I stood there like I am frozen. Together with the sound of the drop of the rain on ground is his footsteps coming to me.
My breath drops and his touch feels through my veins.
I slowly turn to him who is very close to me holding the umbrella on his right hand and his left hand is holding a plastic bag, I guess it is a food from the convenience store nearby.
"What are you doing here getting yourself wet?"
He has the same emotion in his eyes when I last saw him.
Is he worried about me getting drench?
No…please don't be like that. I'm weak…and fragile. I might fall for him again. Well, I still had feelings for him anyway. I hate how weak I am when it comes to him.
"Ah…"
I can't find words to say, I am losing in his gaze. My mind is blocking out.
He is saying something but I don't get it. I just stare that lips of his that even I never feel or touch those when we are together, I am still longing to feel it, to touch mine.
I just came to my senses when he mentioned my name again.
"Ah…ah…yes…I'm…just passing by"
"You don't change a bit. Your mind is still flying and you still don't bring an umbrella with you"
That reminds me of how he always reminds me to get an umbrella because even it is summer, it still rains. I forgot that he no longer provides an umbrella for me, no one will get an umbrella for me now so I have to bring my own. It is summer and hot yet it still rains.
"You might get a cold. You should warm up before you go home and you might get sick"
What is this? Is he calling me to come with him?
He starts walking first, I didn't follow him and just watch his back.
After two steps forward, he looked back at me.
"Are you not coming?"
"Ah…no thanks. I will warm myself when I go home"
He stretched his arm holding the umbrella.
"Here, use this so that you won't get wet"
"No thanks, I will just run till to the bus station"
"Hmm…get it. No one might want to sit with you in the bus if you are wet or the driver won't let you in"
I slowly stretched my arms to get the umbrella. In second, our hands touched again. It is still warm as ever, the same hand I loved holding all the time.
"How about you"
"I can run; the hospital is near"
I flashed a weak smile and start walking away.
After a few steps, I looked back and he is not there already, like always even the time I want him to run to me, he is always walking away.
I can still smell his scent in this umbrella when I am folding it. I was already in a bus on the way home. I am starting to feel cold, I think I might catch a fever again.
How will I going to return this umbrella? Do I have to go there again?
Every day my mind is fighting especially every after class again. I want to return his umbrella so that I have reason to see him again yet on the other hand, I want to keep this umbrella as a remembrance from him. Every day I am standing in front of the hospital moving back and forth, holding his umbrella. Every time I think about seeing him again, my heart is racing and lots of things are flashing in my mind.
"Are you still mad at me? Are you going to avoid me forever?" Jacob asked when he sit in front of me holding his tray in the cafeteria and I avoided him.
I didn't answer his question, instead I eat without looking at him. Even I want to go to another table, there were no already vacant table left.
Is this a disadvantage of having no friend?
It doesn't matter anymore; I am planning to go back to my old habit when I still not meeting him.
I was once living in the dark and meeting him leads me to the light that makes me forget how to live the way I used to. And now he is not with me anymore, I have to get used to survive on this battlefield by living the way I used to before.
This is the life I had before, the life being alone all these years at school. When another people hang out with their friends going on a cafes or theme parks during breaks and weekends. While introvert like me stays on the library to kill time by reading books. I don't know how many books I already finished from my first step going in at the library of this school, this is how I spend my lunch time, breaks or even weekends that I borrow books in the library and bring them home.
This is the life I have in the dark before I went out of the tunnel.
While everyone is in the cafeteria or wherever having their lunch, I am in the library finishing the book I chose to read for the first time in a while.
Suddenly, an ice cream popped out in front of me that makes me stopped from reading. When I looked who's holding it, it was Jacob.
"What are you doing? It is prohibited to eat in the library"
I am angry yet I am whispering.
I looked at the librarian to make sure he won't notice us.
He didn't answer and still giving me the ice cream.
"If you are not going to get it and eat it. It will melt and flow on the book. The librarian will get angry at you"
I angrily get the ice cream and lick it.
He sat in front of me wearing his foolish smile.
"So… are you still mad at me?"
I glared at him still licking the ice cream.
"You really know how to get me" I said still glaring at him.
He knows that ice cream is my weakness when I am angry at someone.
My angry mood easily fades away when I was given an ice cream but it depends of the fault of the person because not all the time, ice cream is the solution.
In the end, we make it up to each other and I can see how happy he was that I forgave him that he almost pinches my cheeks then apologize after laughing.
I didn't feel so empty even he is not here because Jacob was there to make sure that I won't feel that way. yet even how much he entertains me, make me happy and laugh, there is still a hole in my heart because of the fact that the person I wished to be right now is not here. The person I ever wanted in the future.
I spent my remaining high school life with him. Yes, we are together for ears yet I didn't fall for him even he shows me how special I am by courting me every day. He is a good guy, I can't wish anything about him because he already gave me enough, the love, the care that I deserve yet what can I do. I can't teach my heart to like this guy just because he is the one who is with me.
After graduating from high school, we went on a different universities and lost contact to each other. While I already don't have a news to him and the girl. I also never get a chance to return his umbrella because every time I will attempt, I am starting to get weak just thinking of seeing him again.
I promised to forget everything from high school. All the memories I had from there, the painful things, the fun and the people I met. I want to start a new in a university I am going.
On the first day of my college life, I thought I saw him at my new school. I rubbed my eyes and blink twice and I guess I was wrong; it is just a man with the same body shape as his. I slowly slapped myself and tell to forget him, forget that man already. It's been years since he was gone, just get over him.
I met a new people and had a crush on some of the cute guys in the campus that I found attractive at first yet in the end of the day, he is still the one I am looking for, he is still the one who is in there, in my heart. There are a lot of guys passed through me, I mean I didn't get in a relationship again after him. These guys just caught my attention and admire. Yet even how many men walked in to my life, there is still no one like him, in the end it is still him all along…it is still him all these times and all these years.
I still ask myself how he is. Did he already eat? Is he already sleeping at this time? Where is he right now? And any other questions before I sleep and after I wake up. I am still curious about his whereabouts and the things happening to him. I hate that it is been years yet I can't still replace him.
I excused myself in the class when I received a message that my mother got hospitalized. I immediately get a cab after I get out of the school and went to the hospital. While inside of the car, I can't stop shaking and praying. When I get to the place, I asked the doctor who just went out of her room how she is.
He said that no need to worry about her because she's not in critical condition.
I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard the good news.
I went to her room and she's sleeping. My brother will get here soon.
I first went to her room and she's sleeping. My brother will get here soon.
I first went to get a drink in a vending machine of a hospital. I got tired from running and worrying so much.
The moment I insert my coin on the machine, I heard a familiar voice from the back. The voice I still know who owns even how many years passed by.
I immediately look back but the person I am expecting in not in there, maybe I am imagining things up.
When I was on my way going back to mom, there were a lot of nurses and doctors panicking going in to one of the rooms in the hospital. I got curious so I take a peek. I almost let go of the canned juice I was holding when I saw who the patient that was in critical condition. And what makes my heart beat faster when I heard my name called by the man looking at me standing beside me.
"What are you doing here?"
He didn't change a bit all these years, he is still handsome as ever that I fall for him again even I am already all this time.
I am not prepared for this moment. I keep on imagining things, what will I say when we are going to meet again. Like while passing on the green light, strolling in the park, sitting next to each other in a cinema or in a public transportation.
However, I didn't expect this soon. I am not prepared. I am not yet beautiful. I want him to see a different me when we meet again yet all those plan fades. Now I believe in expect the unexpected.
"Uh… uhm… I am just passing by. My mother was hospitalized here also so…"
"Aunt? Is she okay?"
"Hmm" I answered while nodding.
"She's not in critical condition" I answered.
"Good for her"
"Ahhh… how is she?"
"As you can see. She's not getting any better"
"Sorry"
"It's okay"
After that, we went on separate ways but before that, he gets my new phone number. I am not expecting him to text or call me anyways.
After a week or so, my mom got discharged in the hospital and we never met again after that. It was raining that time even summer is just around the corner.
After a month, I received a text message that shocked me.
It was already summer yet it is still raining. I am standing in front of their grave holding the umbrella he lent me years ago.
An old lady came and ask me if I know this person.
A millions of memories flashed in my mind.
"I used to" I answer.
"After she died, after three days his heart also stop beating"
"Maybe because it was beating for her"
When I went home, I view again for a million times our pictures together saved in my desktop again and again and again.
I didn't notice that my eyes are already wet.
He might really love her a lot that he follows her till to death.
There is a man I never expected that I will fall into in one in a million times that will happen to me. Who knows, I am just an introvert bookworm used to be alone in all my life that in who will like a man this much in just a glance. I already imagine my life at school doing the same routine yet meeting him is not in the plan. Because of him a lot of things had changed. I get to know more myself that I never expected that I will be. I explore things that are not written on books, and I fell an emotion that I never felt before. Even he is not for me, I know it since from the start yet I still expect, I'm stupid don't be like me.
My high school life turns around in a second.
Every time I saw raindrops during summer, I remember him. The guy I met once, the guy who turned my life around. The guy who left a scar on my heart and yet still have a room there.
Rest in peace my dear. May the rain on summer washed all my pains and feelings away. You will be forever in my heart. The man I met unexpectedly and fall unconditionally.
-end