Zax and Phul reached the restaurant. It was a cozy little place, with candles lit and a band playing live music. People were chatting, eating food that looked and smelled delicious, paired with fine wine and other drinks. The environment was warm, and Phul kinda felt happy she came there. She was going to make the most out of this evening, after all, Zax carefully planned it for her. She was grateful. She always was.
They sat down, and ordered a few dishes, and a few drinks. Zax didn't drink though, he was going to have to drive Phul back home. He was very responsible, at least when it came to Phul. They talked about many things, many things except specifically TARA and Vega and Zax's new job. He was trying to find the right time to break the news to her, but didn't seem to find it. Or perhaps he was too distracted at how pretty Phul looked under the soft orange lights, swaying her head softly at the music the band played, bursting into little giggles when Zax told him about his university shenanigans, if only this moment could last forever!
"So how's work?" Zax asked, breaking the silence.
"I've got to write a soft song for the 'Gemini' boys again, you know the only duo group at our company currently?" Phul replied, somewhat enthusiastically.
"Ah, they're pretty good, still a bit new, but they got the energy. I'm sure the song you write will be a hit for them."
Phul gave a playful eye roll. "You always say that. The deadline's coming up but I haven't been all that inspired lately."
"Take your time, you can't rush masterpieces." Zax said, as he gave Phul a headpat.
Phul smiled. Zax always believed in her, and she loved getting headpats. "Thank you" she said sincerely. That's all it took to send a chill down Zax's spine, his whole face turned red. He was like a little boy in front of his first crush, every single time he was with Phul. Ah, what a sweet feeling young love is.
At that moment the current band playing finished their performance. Next, it was supposed to be an emerging artist that played country music, but the stage was empty for quite some time. They assumed she was running late perhaps, and murmurs could be heard from the diners now that the cozy little place which was supposed to have atmospheric music had gone silent.
"Where is the next musician?", "I was looking forward to hearing her" and other complaints could be heard in the now tense air. Zax and Phul tried to ignore it, but it was really difficult as the staffs and the customers were flustered, not knowing what to do next. It really is difficult handling many people at once, and anyone could tell that the situation was overwhelming for the young waiters and waitresses in the restaurant.
At that moment of chaos, Zax received a call from his university friend. He excused himself, and went out the restaurant to talk to him. Phul sat there, now alone, trying to ignore the awkward environment. The manager of the restaurant now came to handle the situation, although there really wasn't much he could do. Phul turned around to look at this newly introduced character, and she turned pale as soon as she did.
The manager of that restaurant turned out to be the sound staff at the underground music pub she and TARA used to perform at. He had left the job before TARA switched to being an idol group, so he probably had no idea about Phul's condition, but surely had heard that TARA would be debuting without Phul.
Phul hated being pitied, and she quickly turned back around, trying to hide her face so he wouldn't recognize her. But that didn't work at all. Phul could hear his footsteps coming right towards her. Ah, what bad luck. She didn't want to confront or converse with him. If only she'd known that conversing would be the least of her problems there.
"Phul? Is that you?" The manager said, sliding directly in front of her.
She tried to pretend she didn't hear him, and turned to the side, but he looked directly at her face again and said, "Ah, it really is you! What a coincidence meeting you here. I heard TARA was debu-"
There it is again, Phul thought. He talked again about how TARA was debuting without her, adding salt to her wounds. Every single person she met, had said and would say the same exact thing, as if she didn't know already. The manager kept talking, but Phul didn't listen to any of it. She just kept her head down, staring at her glass that was now almost empty, and so she didn't even notice when the manager raised his glass and when had everyone's attention, said, "There's been a change of plans. The singer who was scheduled to perform now is running late, but we have another very talented singer whom I personally have had the pleasure to listen in the past. You're sure to love her. Please give it up for Phul!"
Applause.
Phul froze. What had just happened? The manager looked at her, "You must not have had any gigs after you were fired, I could at least do this much. You'll be paid, now go." He smiled.
"Wh-what, why did you do this? I didn't agree to this!" Phul said, panicking.
At this point everyone's eyes were on Phul, expecting her to sing, wondering what was wrong.
The manager looked at the other people, and said, "Please give her a little time, it's been a while since she last performed."
Then he turned to Phul and said, "Just go. You used to sing everywhere and anywhere before, can't you help a colleague in need? Stop being so selfish." And he nudged Phul to stand up and walk towards the stage. He also encouraged the other customers to cheer for her. "Phul! Phul! Phul! Phul!" everyone was saying.
Phul still couldn't process what was happening. There she stood, completely frozen, but everyone's cheers and chants made her mind completely blank out, yet a million thoughts ran through her head. Maybe this was all a dream. Maybe she could sing there after all. Maybe her stage fright had just magically gone away. Everyone was cheering for her, she couldn't let them down. Yes, she should stop being selfish and just sing.
Before she knew it, she was up on the stage. She suddenly snapped out of it and saw that she was now infront of everyone's tables, on the little stage at the center of the restaurant. A cold shiver ran through her spine, she closed her eyes and paced her breath. Breathe in, breathe out, everything will be fine. You can sing. You love singing. Just sing!
She opened her eyes. Just sing. It's as simple as that. Just sing. She moved closer to the microphone and took a breath in again, just sing.
If only she could. She could feel everyone's eyes on her. Scary mean eyes looking to judge her every move, looking to throw hate at her every time she made a mistake. They'd boo at her too, after all, the others boo'ed her before too. She was not good enough. She could not dance good, she was not pretty enough to be on the stage. Everyone would just be disappointed in her. She couldn't just sing.
And that's when she knew her stage fright wasn't some dream or a phase. It was real. She could fear a sharp pain in her heart, her knees suddenly felt loose and they started trembling. Her voice seemed to be stuck on her chest, she started having trouble breathing. Everyone was looking at her, their eyes seemed like monsters staring at her soul, her heart was heavy and her head ached, her vision grew blurry. Fuck, fuck, fuck-She was sweating, her breath, her heartbeat growing faster by every second. Go away, go away, you're not good enough, you don't deserve to be on stage, it's not that you can't sing, you're choosing not to, it's not trauma, it's just that you're selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish- her own head was telling her these hurtful things, until it was too much for her to handle.
She ran away from the stage, while doing so, the mic fell down, a sharp sound echoed in the silent restaurant, everyone closed their ears.
Phul ran, straight to the bathroom. She threw up again. What was supposed to be a fine evening, turned out to be the worst day for her. Her tummy hurt really bad, and her head was heavy as if it was made of iron. She stayed there, alone, crying.
But what was worse is, it all happened so quick, Zax didn't have any idea about it. He returned after being done with his call, and immediately noticed the now worse atmosphere in the restaurant. He searched for Phul, but she was nowhere around. He was confused as hell. He looked around, and saw the manager standing there. He recognized him as one of the staffs at the previous place, and went to him.
He learned what had happened. He tried to calm himself, but he couldn't. He was enraged. He grabbed the manager by the collar, "Who the fuck do you think you are? Doing her a favor by giving her a gig? Your fucking sorry ass, how dare you-" he wanted to say many things, but he remembered that was not important right now. He rushed towards the washroom, and called out from infront the ladies' room, "Phul!"
Another lady came out and told him no one was there.
Zax panicked. He ran outside. He was very worried, just why did he go take the call at that very moment, why did he choose this restaurant, just why- he couldn't help but blame himself. It was supposed to a fine date evening, but it must have been the most traumatic day for Phul in a while. Fuck. Nobody wants to hurt someone they love. Zax ran, with rushed shouts, "Phul, Phul, where are you?"
But she was nowhere to be found. Perhaps, she already left.