"Life is like a journey into the mystery. You never know the effect of the next step that you will make, and where it will lead you at the end of the day. Walking through a mystery is not and will never be easy. However, it's very unfortunate that you are not allowed to give up on this mystery. No matter how tired, drained, or worn out you feel, giving up is not an option. As long as you keep waking up every day it's a must that you have to move. Despite how many times you fall, or how tough the journey gets. You are expected to get up, dust yourself, and keep pushing."
(Sunk in thoughts) These words are from an audio that I always listen to online. It has become my favorite because it sounds as if someone is reminding me to live each day no matter what. Another thing, the audio helps me with my sleeping disorders (sometimes), I cannot sleep without listening to something or without earphones plugged into my ears. However, it doesn't mean that I get to sleep as early as expected but it's better than spending the whole night staring at the ceiling or twisting and tossing on the bed. As much as I should be taking medication that helps insomnia, the doctor discouraged and dismissed the idea because the medication will be too much since I am on antidepressants. Another thing sleeping tablets are kind of addictive and have quite several side effects. Moreover, the doctor also suggested my treatment be done step by step since I have minor and major problems to be treated. Therefore, I am left to face my demons on my own with a very sober mind, how I wish antidepressants would get me high a bit instead of fatigue and drowsiness. I am not allowed to smoke or drink alcohol because as they always say, 'not good for health' and, it is also easy for someone like me to turn into a drunkard quickly. I have been warned not to even try it, otherwise, worse will turn to worst. That is, I will be in a very bad situation as that will slow down my healing process and the doctor added that it will be inevitable for me to die an untimely death once that happens, I always feel like my doctor is mean whenever she reminds me about this trash. If only she was in my shoes I bet she should have even prescribed me a glass of alcohol 3 times per day and some numbing tablets. Unlucky me, facing hell with a sober mind each day is the most difficult task I have ever done.
Hahahahahaha, this thing called life is so much capable when it comes to pulling jokes on people, after all, I have been through, I still have to suffer to get better. I wonder what kind of a life this is, every time worse turns into worst it's never good or better. I don't know who is fighting me and why I am fighting, if only I knew I would ask for a truce. If I didn't make promises in the past, I would have…
(Cell phone ringing) Again, I couldn't sleep, and little did I notice that it was morning already, I could tell by the light from the breaking dawn that was coming into my room through the window. I was so much drowned in thoughts and the audio wasn't helping at all.
(Thinking out loud), I wonder who is so bored with life to an extent of calling me so early on a weekend.
(Picks phone from under the pillow, sigh) Thank goodness this person didn't hear my thoughts otherwise she was going to curse at me for the whole weekend
(Presses the answer button), "Tasha you promised to do as your doctors told you and never miss your sessions!!!"
(Thinking) 'Oh boy, I am so screwed, I thought I carefully covered my trail whenever I skipped those sessions. But wait a minute, how did she know about this?'
"What's wrong, are you wondering how I managed to find out or cat got your tongue, now you can't explain your actions? I even wonder why your stupid doctor leaves you to do whatever you like. I told you that I am watching you, yet you thought I was bluffing. If you don't take this seriously by the end of this week, I will book a ticket and come there, I guess you know what that means!!"
(Thinking) 'Crap, is she this smart, or am I missing something? Oh yeah, of course, it does make sense now, how did that skip my mind. That chatterbox Lisa should be the only one who reported to her. What a pain, now I need to find a way to convince this angry bird that I wasn't missing those sessions on purpose and also calm her down.'
(Rolling my eyes) "Anne, it's been so long since we last called each other, how about we begin with a proper greeting?" I said trying to change the subject.
(Annoyed and pissed) "Do not try that with me, stop wasting my time and yours, go ahead, give me a very good reason why you are no longer attending your counseling and therapy sessions right now!!"
"I am so sorry, but those sessions and work are weighing me down. I cannot do both of them simultaneously, so I had to choose one…"
"Tasha if you want to be like a wheelbarrow in this life there is no problem, I have a lot of energy to push you around until we arrive at our most valued destination. Enough of your lies, stop fooling around, and attend your sessions or else…!!"
(Sitting up straight adjusting the pillows to support my back, annoyed and feeling tired) "Okay, okay, there is no need to threaten me I have heard you; I will stop skipping my sessions anymore. Are you happy now?"
"THERE IS NO NEED TO BE ANNOYED MY FRIEND, AS MUCH AS THOSE SESSIONS BENEFIT PEOPLE AROUND YOU, THEY BENEFIT YOU THE MOST. THIS IS MY LAST WARNING; YOU BETTER TAKE ME SERIOUS!!"
I could tell she was fuming, and breathing fire out, I wonder why her cell phone didn't even burn and where she gets all that energy to shout early morning like that. However, I also couldn't avoid my rage to increase too, she wasn't listening and also taking me as an irresponsible person, I hate it when people look down on me.
(Lost in thoughts)
"TASHA…!!"
(Taken aback by Anne's shouting and losing it) "Enough!! I am not a child stop shouting okay. Have you been listening to what I even said earlier? I am trying to share my feelings with you and you seem not to care. Have you ever asked what I feel each time I step into those hospital buildings? Have you done your homework properly before you come to attack me huh? Well, let me save you the effort here is news for you, I feel like I will not come back home again, just the thought of how many times I have visited there makes me go crazy. The smell of meds and the cries of patients in other ward rooms and the thought that I was once admitted severally haunt me every night. The worst part is that those stupid sessions always remind me of the past that I want to forget about in the name of me opening up blah blah. I AM DOING FINE WITH MEDS ONLY AND I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK THERE, YOUR STUPID THREATS NO LONGER WORK BETTER THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE. STOP CALLING IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY!!" I shouted at the very top of my voice, fortunately, I do not have many neighbors close otherwise I would have been involved in another argument for being noisy early morning.
I was tired of trying to explain myself without anyone listening and considering my feelings. After my words she hung up the call, I guess she finally realized that the conversation wasn't going anywhere and I wasn't going to change my mind also, she was angry and so was I. I didn't want to call her back again because I was no longer in any mood to keep arguing with her. (Angst rising, thinking out loud) 'However, I was not going to let this issue go just like that, I was going to settle this with Lisa…'
CHAPTER TWO LOADING...…