Zach's POV
Violet has been quiet for days mostly reading through what we can do with Matthew.
Things have changed in the years since the children we had lost with Rose meaning we have a few options for burial rather than the hospital just rid of the baby however they did that.
The cemetery Ivee was buried in has a baby garden for lost babies now. They consider a baby a lost baby if there born before 24 weeks gestation, unfortunately before it used to just be called a miscarriage.
We finally had to admit to her how many children we should have. The hardest one to talk about is Ivee though because she lived long enough to be in the NICU and to be classed as an actual person. She had a proper burial meaning she was registered with a name.
We held her for weeks bonding with her. In fact, we still have her tiny feet and hand prints in her memory box in our closet.
That was a hard conversation to have and unfortunately, Tyler had to be there for that even though I couldn't care less, it would have been rude to pretend he didn't exist when we spoke about our past.
I've tried to avoid him like the plague since that day I gave him a hickey.
He knew how I felt about Sophie, it was less than a few months ago we had had that little blip. The blip about her.
I swallow the anger building in me as I look over Violet sleeping on the hospital bed.
The more time we spend apart the angrier I seem to be getting.
How did we get here again?
Things have become so complicated.
Violet was dead. Her heart had stopped. How do I even process that?
How did we completely misjudge the extent Henry was abusing her?
I suppose if we had talked or pushed Violet more this would never have happened at all and if Callum had done his job properly we wouldn't be here either.
There are a lot of mistakes that all three of us are guilty of.
Then there's the problem of Callum's feelings.
He told her he was falling in love with her, yes I know he asked for a few minutes alone with her but I couldn't give him that. I'm a selfish bastard so I stood outside the door long enough to hear him say that.
If Dr Greene's right Violet most likely heard him too, not that she's mentioned it at all.
I wanted to talk it over with Tyler but he's started to avoid me more so now I guess it's just up to me.
Can I accept him, will he even want to try?
He's definitely wanting to try with her.
Then there's that side to me that makes me think maybe they would be better off with each other, a plain relationship. Hell, she probably never wants to step foot in the playroom again.
And I've tried life without that and I sucked majorly at it.
Could I give up all that for her?
I don't know but I would try.
Could Callum try it my way if that's what she wanted?
I don't know the answer to that either.
He keeps telling me he's not the sharing type and he's probably as straight as a pole. Not that that is a huge problem but it's what I'm used to.
I can't believe I'm even thinking about letting Callum in our relationship. I frown at the realisation of what I'm entertaining.
Violet starts moving in her sleep catching my attention and dragging it all on her, it's another nightmare again.
She hasn't mentioned anything of that night, but Callum and Dante painted a bad enough picture. He was still inside her when he was killing her.
How sick is that?
I can't imagine what she must be remembering. This time I don't wait for her to start screaming, I move so that as much of me is pressing against her as possible.
This is a tiny bed but she sleeps on one side and I lay on the other.
Her body tenses as I touch her then she calms.
I've learnt that for some moronic reason, whatever that may be, I chase away her demons away.
I'd like to say that makes me feel good but it doesn't because I'm not a saint, I like to hurt people because it turns me on.
I'm no better than anyone else but when I'm with her she makes that guilt disappears.
She makes me love myself because I'm what she wants. She loves me for the whole of me. The funny thing is only one other person has ever loved me like that, and he's currently is shit street with me.
It's sad really.
I get comfortable holding her in my arms, I guess I should get some sleep too. She has another appointment with the shrink tomorrow. They haven't been going very well and she's always jumpy after them. It's a shame they won't let me stay with her, she might talk if I were there.
I rub circles on her back calming us both before sleep succumbs me.
"Good morning Violet" I peak through my eyes at the shrink Dr Carmen.
"Morning Carmen" I close my eyes hoping that if I seem like I'm asleep that the good shrink doesn't get rid of me.
"Shall we wake him and ask him to take his leave" Violet's hand rubs my stomach where it lays.
"No leave him, he hasn't been sleeping well."
"I don't normally have people sit in my sessions."
"Please don't make me wake him" Violet begs.
I take reassurance in the fact she's fighting my case but I also feel guilty that I'm lying here pretending to be asleep.
I don't want to leave her, I don't want her to fight this battle on her own even though the shrink thinks it's best that way.
"Okay, if he wakes I'll ask him to leave" well that sets it then I won't wake up.
Violet pats my stomach lightly as if she knows I'm already awake. It's as if she's asking me not to wake up. If I could I would smile at her but I can't, that would give me away.
"So what shall we talk about today Violet?"
Violet doesn't answer she only moves her shoulders slightly in what I presume is a shrug.
"What about talking about why are you in here."
"You know why I'm in here" Violet whispers. I wish my hand had been in hers before the good old shrink come in. She needs reassurance.
"You need to talk. Bottling this up will mean it will eventually manifest at a later date. You're young. If your process this now it will give you a better future" Violet's whole body tenses.
"He raped me, he killed me what else do I need to process?" That bastard, I still can't bear hearing what he did.
"That's a good start, how does it make you feel that he did both of those things."
"I expected the first, the second one took me by surprise but I've seen him choke someone before. Sick things turn him on" I hate that I can't move but Violet fists my shirt taking what she needs from me anyway. I hate that she's been through so much.
I promised to leave his fate to the police but I sure as hell won't stop myself if I see him in the street.
"Can you tell me some of the other things he has done to you?"
"I told you the other day. Most of the time he made me sit and watch him do things to other girls. Why don't you believe me?"
"He was raping you when your security details found you. It's hard to believe that was the first time"
"Well, technically the second but I would consider that the first time" Violet places her small delicate hand in my open palm. She definitely knows I'm awake. Did I tense or something?
"Tell me about the first time."
"I safe worded."
"And what does that mean?"
"I said the word red and he stopped."
"This is to do with the BDSM you've described."
"Mhm," I will myself not to still at their conversation.
"Why do you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Touch him" I'd like to know the answer to that too…
"He stops the memories."
"Describe that to me."
"When I remember something. It can be so ... real."
"Yes."
"I can smell him or hear him. When I touch Zach it all goes, just disappears."
"Right that's interesting" I try not to but I can't help the little quirk my lips do. So that's why she always touches me. I chase away her nightmares, for real.
"So Zach is your grounding mechanism."
"My what?"
"Something that you can feel or touch or smell that keeps your mind in the present. Do you have anything else that does this for you?" Violet doesn't answer, instead, the bed shakes. I presume that means she shook her head.
"You're speaking more freely today."
"I am?"
"Yes. Let's talk about something different shall we Violet?" Violet tenses again squeezing my hand. I give it the slightest squeeze back hoping the doctor doesn't notice. If she did, she doesn't comment.
"How did you two come to meet?"
"Who?"
"You and Zach"
"He was a mutual friend of Henry's. We liked each other"
"Yes, you said that last time. I'm finding it hard to understand why Henry let you leave to live with Zach. The police are finding it hard to believe that someone who is nearly double your age would just fall in love with you" Violet doesn't have an answer for that. She should have just stuck with the truth.
"Does Zach hurt you, Violet?" I tense at that question. Panic rises in my chest. The police have been on our backs asking us the same questions because they presume our playroom is a torture chamber rather than a room of pleasure.
"What?"
"The room you were found in is very peculiar."
"It's our playroom" she shouldn't have to explain our sex life.
"Explain that to me, Violet."
"We play when we have sex."
"With the canes, whips, crops and ropes and the few other things that were found in that room."
"Yes," Violet's full-on in panic mode. Even if I squeezed back her hand now the shrink wouldn't notice. I'm sure my fingertips are probably blueing.
"Do you consent to him doing that?"
"You know I do."
"Why do you?"
"What do you want the answer to be to that?" Violet almost spits at the shrink. I so desperately want to smirk at the good doctor. She's angered Violet and I know what Violet can do with that temper.
"The truth."
"Fine, I like Zach using those toys because they turn me on because they make me orgasm rather enthusiastically and hard. That's why I agree to him using them."
"You're angry."
"What do expect, your prying into my private life."
"I don't want to release you from this hospital if I'm going to send you home to be abused by a different man."
"Zach wouldn't hurt a damn fly."
"I guess I'll have to trust you on that one."
"What does that mean."
"He has a criminal record for hurting people" shit! I've never gotten around to telling her that, I tense in preparation to jump off the bed. Violet's already riled up meaning she could react any damn way.
Instead, she draws circles on the top of my hand.
"I know, he's made some mistakes in his life" she knows?
How does she know? I didn't tell her. Oh, I bet it was pretty boy, fucking Callum.
"Very well. You can stop pretending you're asleep now. I know you're not" fuck, busted.
I open my eyes immediately looking up at Violet. Her face is tear-stained and wet.
Fuck I hate that she has to see the shrink, wiping her face I make sure she's okay before I turn to the damned shrink.
"I'm not sure whether I trust you."
I clear my throat before I answer, I best pretend I wasn't awake the whole damn time.
"You don't have to. She does" I move up the bed as though I'm just stretching my legs out after a long sleep.
"And luckily for you, she does. If I suspected otherwise I wouldn't be considering an outpatient programme for her."